Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Tess. What's the worst that can happen if you two break up? What is it that you're so afraid of? The pain? Crying? Being without Rhys, thinking you'll never fall inlove again? Remember, time heals all wounds. As cliche as that is, it's true. What is it that you're so afraid of? All of the above. Oh man, the pain. The pain would just...I honestly wouldn't be able to go on. See, even know writing this I get all choked up... I won't find someone the same. No-one can replace him... And if I ever saw him with someone else....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Just ebing without him, mainly. It would tear me apart. It would break my very very fragile heart, that's for sure.
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I haven't looked in the mirror and seen anything I like for about....all my life. I'm not critical of myself or anything like that, but I just don't see anything...."beautiful" or "attractive" about myself....*shrugs*... Do me a list right now about 5 things you love about yourself.
norajane Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 NOT ONE GUY has ever told me to shut up or anything like that. And certainly not anything where he's cursed at me or called me f*cking stupid. My father has a temper and yells - we're an emotional ethnic family - but even he has never said anything that derogatory to me or my mother or my sister ever, even during a rant. Those guys are everywhere, sweets. It's not normal for a guy to say sh*t like that to his girlfriend. And that's 20 years of dating American guys, Irish guys, English guys, a Bolivian guy, a Welsh guy, and Aussies from Canberra and Perth - the Aussies were actually very well mannered!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 All of the above. Oh man, the pain. The pain would just...I honestly wouldn't be able to go on. See, even know writing this I get all choked up... Hey, everybody thinks this way when in so deep...Somehow, I've survived, so has everybody else. You can't let those fears rule you, or let you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. I won't find someone the same. No-one can replace him... You say that now - But someday, when the time is right, you WILL meet someone else who will bring so much love and happiness into your life. No, noone can replace Rhys, because noone is the same..But, you will find someone else with better qualities, someone who has the same outlook on love and relationships, family values. And if I ever saw him with someone else....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! You feel that now, ofcourse rightfully so - But one day it won't even phase you. You just won't care, period! Just ebing without him, mainly. It would tear me apart. It would break my very very fragile heart, that's for sure. Yes, it will hurt, and you will cry...And cry...And cry. BUT, you will work through it with the help of your parents, your friends and us. Then one day you won't be crying as much, you'll feel lighter. You'll smile and realize that it doesn't hurt as much as it did...And each day will get better and better. This is how we go on, not only with broken hearts from relationships, but with everything! To losing a great job, to losing a parent to death. It's in us all to somehow get it together and survive. IT just happens.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Do me a list right now about 5 things you love about yourself. -My eyes? -How I can surf pretty well Pfft hahahaha, I feel so stupid. I don't know..... -My big heart -My ability to forgive easily -I think I'm KINDA funny sometimes, most of the time I'm just lame! Lol
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 And that's 20 years of dating American guys, Irish guys, English guys, a Bolivian guy, a Welsh guy, and Aussies from Canberra and Perth - the Aussies were actually very well mannered!!! I'm just going to go by my mum's rule that guys mature when they get to 30.... I CAN'T WAIT TILL RHYS IS 30!!!! You've just got dealt the lucky cards, that's all. Some people (like me) get an average deck....lol
johan Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I think of it another way: if you met yourself would you be someone you'd like to hang out with? Not trying to be surreal, but you probably really do like yourself. You just have to look from a different perspective to see what's so great.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Hey, everybody thinks this way when in so deep...Somehow, I've survived, so has everybody else. You can't let those fears rule you, or let you stay in a relationship that is unhealthy. You say that now - But someday, when the time is right, you WILL meet someone else who will bring so much love and happiness into your life. No, noone can replace Rhys, because noone is the same..But, you will find someone else with better qualities, someone who has the same outlook on love and relationships, family values. You feel that now, ofcourse rightfully so - But one day it won't even phase you. You just won't care, period! Yes, it will hurt, and you will cry...And cry...And cry. BUT, you will work through it with the help of your parents, your friends and us. Then one day you won't be crying as much, you'll feel lighter. You'll smile and realize that it doesn't hurt as much as it did...And each day will get better and better. This is how we go on, not only with broken hearts from relationships, but with everything! To losing a great job, to losing a parent to death. It's in us all to somehow get it together and survive. IT just happens. Just reading all of this made me get butterflies in my tummy, thinking about losing Rhys. It's such a scary thought, WWIU. I get so scared. So scared...
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 I think of it another way: if you met yourself would you be someone you'd like to hang out with? Not trying to be surreal, but you probably really do like yourself. You just have to look from a different perspective to see what's so great. Would I? Yeah, I would give myself a go....lol I don't know, probably? I would definitely go surfing with me though!!
ShoeGirl Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 What is it that you're so afraid of? All of the above. Oh man, the pain. The pain would just...I honestly wouldn't be able to go on. See, even know writing this I get all choked up... I won't find someone the same. No-one can replace him... And if I ever saw him with someone else....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!! Just ebing without him, mainly. It would tear me apart. It would break my very very fragile heart, that's for sure. Here are some things to think about... some of the things my friends made me think about a few months ago when I was completely fed up: -What about Rhys do you love? There is something about actually writing it down that makes it real. -Forget about Rhys for a minute. Think about how many guys you have encountered since you have been dating Rhys, how many of them would you have considered getting to know if you were single? There are many guys out there that would date you! -Write a list of what you would want in a relationship, not your current relationship, any future relationship. After you have written that list look at how many of them describe Rhys. You don't have to share your answers with anyone, but if you answer these for yourself you will learn a lot about you, about him and your relationship.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 They are good points to consider, ShoeGirl...thanks. I was trying to think about what I love about Rhys and came up with this list... -His generosity -His love....most of the time -His warmth around me when I'm in need of a cuddle -His sense of humor....very funny boy! And you know that's all I could come up with. How sad. When we were first together I could have written pages and pages of what I love about him....now I've managed to narrow it down to 4 things... But you know what? I bet he wouldn't have written much more if he had to write a list about me.....
ShoeGirl Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Maybe it is worth talking to him about, if you think he will stay calm and actually talk to you about it and not yell. I am all about talking... but then again I am in a LDR so all we do is talk (good and bad I guess). A few months ago I was down to two things I loved about my boyfriend... I can relate to what you are thinking! I just hope I am helping you... even if it is just a little.
Sparky Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Gee, thanks, Sparky. On top of the tears that are rolling down my cheeks while writing this, I get this from you. That's awesome. Thanks for your support. I've been trying to help, but you're not listening to me. You keep telling me that you're SO helpless, SO lost, and you don't have faith in yourself EVERY TIME I try to give you advice. Obviously you don't understand. You say you do, you don't. You don't understand how hard this is for me, cos your sitting there blurbing out stuff like that. If I didn't understand what you were going through, do you think I would've spent all this time giving you adivce? Did you not read my previous post when I told you how other people would pull pranks on me and then tell me that they were sorry? Tell me that's NOT similar to what you're going through. I could've EASILY ignored your plea for help and let someone else deal with it. I've been patient, now I'm pissed! All this time, I've been relying to your posts thinking I could talk some sense into you and give you a little self-esteem, and in return, you keep on complaining about how impossible it is to stand up to him and for yourself. You can't expect me to NOT be offended.
johan Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 You can't expect me to NOT be offended. Has Lovestruck become your project? You sound like one of those "after all I've done for you" people, and you haven't done anything.
magichands Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Has Lovestruck become your project? Porn stars need some substance in their lives.
Sparky Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Has Lovestruck become your project? She's not my project. I'm trying to help because I've been treated the same way and I know how much it hurts, she just doesn't want to believe it. You sound like one of those "after all I've done for you" people, and you haven't done anything. And I suppose what you and everyone else is doing is different? We're all trying to help her by discussing this topic on this forum, aren't we?
Sparky Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Porn stars need some substance in their lives. And how does this have to do with all of this?
Walk Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 So I read your threads Walk....so you did end up leaving him? Weren't you hurt? See, I would leave him this afternoon IF I was strong enough, but I'm not... Walk, my mum has said to me what you wrote about him in your last post there. About how surprised I would be that he actually DOES need me just as much as I need him. But I am so scared that if I stand up to him, or walk away during an argument, that he WON'T come running back... Just wanted to say, no, I didn't leave him. And although my bf's said some harsh crap, he's never called me names, or the derogatory stuff you said that Rhy's calls you. He's never told me to shut up. Or I'm a 'bitch' or 'stupid'. My bf would just twist stuff to suit his needs. He's a lot more... subtle, I guess. Or maybe a better way to state it is, he's more refined in his insults and attacks. I actually think it's far worse what my bf did, but only because I could never just say "you can't call me a stupid idiot." Because he never did... but his meaning came through loud and clear anyway. He used to have a strangle hold on me (figuratively) that he would just up and walk out if I ever said the slightest thing to upset him. I was so scared of it, that I wouldn't even say I was hurt by stuff. I wouldn't even talk about me, or my thoughts. I'd just steer any conversation on to him, so he could talk. I was scared I'd lose him. I felt like he didn't care if i was there or not... felt like i was replaceable in a heart beat, and that I was such a horrible person, that I was lucky he bothered with me. Actually, I'd jump between feeling like that, to being pissed as hell.. to feeling like everythign was my fault, to being pissed again.. confused, unhappy, mad, extremely desperate to have the good times again. No amount of holding my tongue stopped it though. And when I'd reached my threshold, the next "argument" we got into, I told him I was done. that I couldn't take it anymore. He wasn't helping me to make the relationship better, and yet nothing I did was good enough. But that was a little over 2 years into the relationship. Two long years of constantly being scared he'd up and dissappear, tip-toeing around so as not to "upset" him, vigilantly watching every word I said or thing I did so as not to start another tirade about how I was "wrong". He once blew up at me becaues I forgot to pick up milk one night. Gave me the silent treatment for almost 5 days over it. Tess, look at how many times he's implied, or said he was leaving. Has he? You begging him not to didn't make him stay. He had no intention of leaving. If he had, then he would've left and no amount of begging would have changed that. He's got your head so screwed around that you don't realize what's in front of your face. All I can say really, is that you do hold an immense amount of power to change your relationship. But you have to start really looking into what you want it to change it into. Look at how you two argue, how you resolve problems. Start there. I've spent countless arguments in the past, just explaining to my bf HOW to argue effectively. Every time he said somethign that would cause me to react strongly, I would stop the arguement, detail out how I was reacting, and how it had completely stopped any effective communication. If he wouldn't listen, I would use whatever he'd done back on him. Either sarcasm, or the mocking tone, or the harsh words, and the second he got upset, I'd tell him "see, you are reacting exactly as I did to it when you said it. Can we please not use X anymore if you really wish to resolve this." 6 straight months of this. Constantly restating how and what was wrong with his communication skills. Over and over and over. Continually stating that I wasn't going to accept it. That he either adjust and comprimise, or we ended. I always gave him the option. If he wanted to work with me, we'd stay together... if he refused, then I would leave. I also started doing the cognitive behavior stuff. Where you repeat only positives over and over in your head. It really helped me. I read that by the time you're 20, 80% of everythign you've ever heard in your life has been negative. Don't buy into it. It's not true, or even accurate. YOU have to change how you think about yourself though, before you can change your environment. I never did the stuff full bore, but the half-azzed attempt I made at it really did wonders for me. Maybe it could help you too? p.s. Forgot to say.. Our "arguments" are 100 times better now. The last 6 months have really improved greatly. He is bringing up problems in constructive ways, and also, if I give even the hint that I am upset by his "jokes" or sarcasm, he's immediately stopped the behavior, and we work to find a way to channel his frustration or bad day into something more constructive than "pick on walk" days.
allina Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 I found it pretty upsetting that you were shocked that some women on this site have never been told to shut up or f*ck off by men they have dated. Do you consider it normal for a man to talk to his gf/wife like that? It isn't! And there are many wonderful men out there who don't speak to women like that. Also, you keep saying that this is a maturity issue, and that you can't wait till Rhys is 30. This has nothing to do with maturity, he's an abuseive a-hole who will only grow in to an older, bigger abusive a-hole, unless HE chooses to work on himself and change. Are his parents still together? Does his father talk to his mok like this? Last, you say you love him so much and can't live without him. How?!?! Why?!?!? How is it that you feel any warmth for him?? If someone spoke to me like he does to you all I would feel was anger and rage towards them. Please quit telling yourself that you can't live without him, this is not true and telling yourself such things only makes you feel weaker. I promise you, you will make it without him. Almost everyone past a certain age has gone through a breakup and all the hurt that comes with it, it happens to EVERYONE and EVERYONE lives to tell about it, learn from it, and post about it on LS
Touche Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Great post Allina. Totally agree with what you said. Tess, you still have a long way to go until you're a goddess but I have faith in you!
tinktronik Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Oh boy , sweets , Ive been in your spot .I know what it feels like to try and overlook the nasty temper and mean things being said by a person you don't want to think is really that way . It does not get better ;it becomes acceptable instead , but only because you are accepting it . I thought for a long time that your average guy said nasty things when he lost his temper too. They don't , not to the people hey love .It was a hard lesson, I spent a long time learning it . Now that it's no longer acceptable to me , it does not happen , I've chosen someone who would not even consider speaking to me in an inappropriate manner. There are many many men out there who do not speak to women that way , they were raised knowing that you don't do that .That's your average guy. As long as this is acceptable behavior to you you will continue to think of yourself in the terms of what this other person stamps you with instead of what you really are . You need to untangle your own status with this guy and get to know yourself in a more positive frame . Take the advice that's been given and move on.Yes, it will hurt , but all things change and you will eventually be happy again and look back and wonder why you stayed in an unhealthy situation at all. Good luck.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 I've been trying to help, but you're not listening to me. You keep telling me that you're SO helpless, SO lost, and you don't have faith in yourself EVERY TIME I try to give you advice. If I didn't understand what you were going through, do you think I would've spent all this time giving you adivce? Did you not read my previous post when I told you how other people would pull pranks on me and then tell me that they were sorry? Tell me that's NOT similar to what you're going through. I could've EASILY ignored your plea for help and let someone else deal with it. I've been patient, now I'm pissed! All this time, I've been relying to your posts thinking I could talk some sense into you and give you a little self-esteem, and in return, you keep on complaining about how impossible it is to stand up to him and for yourself. You can't expect me to NOT be offended. Sparky, time to calm down, sweetheart. You are doing all you can for me at this point in time, JUST the same as everyone else on here is. You honestly can't think that you've done double the work or something? Things like this take time. I'm not going to snap out of how I am feeling "RIGHT THIS MINUTE" just because you want me to. Sorry. I am taking your advice, I am using it, but that doesn't mean everything is going to change the minute you put down your 2 cents. JUST the same as anyone else. I am trying day by day to make things work, to improve things, and YES ALONG with your help. You're making out like I don't apprciate it. You are pulling the sad story on yourself. The right way to offer advice is give it, hope they use it, then back off. Don't keep going "It's my way or the highway" "You're not listening to what I'm saying" "It's not fair" cos I am reading every word you put down. JUST BECAUSE there is no progress JUST YET, doesn't mean you aren't helping. You are. Everyone is. But like I said, things aren't going to change tomorrow. I HAVE BEEN THIS WAY FOR NEARLY A YEAR NOW. A few days of discussing how I feel isn't going to snap things out of shape. I need time. Patience. And I need you to just back off a little. Stop pushing with everything you say....the more you push it, the less likely I will take your advice... Nobody here is qualified counsellors or anything, YOU just the same as ME offer as much advice as we can and hope that it makes for improvement. If it doesn't....big f*cking deal. Things will right themselves in the long run. Geeeez.
hugznkisses21 Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 lovestruck, If say u called him up and said u need time to think about things, say u said what u have been saying to us - what are u afraid of? - this is suppose to be inturpreted as concerned not attacking hard to tell with just typing... Are u afriad he will leave, r u afaird that u are right - and things may end - and its scary to know u can be so very happy and that wouldnt no include him? do u know what it is?
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 23, 2006 Author Posted October 23, 2006 Just wanted to say, no, I didn't leave him. And although my bf's said some harsh crap, he's never called me names, or the derogatory stuff you said that Rhy's calls you. He's never told me to shut up. Or I'm a 'bitch' or 'stupid'. My bf would just twist stuff to suit his needs. He's a lot more... subtle, I guess. Or maybe a better way to state it is, he's more refined in his insults and attacks. I actually think it's far worse what my bf did, but only because I could never just say "you can't call me a stupid idiot." Because he never did... but his meaning came through loud and clear anyway. I just cut down your post a little, but I still read all of it and I am spun out at how much your situationw as so similar to mine....It's a blow out!! I am sort of developing. Little tiny tiny baby steps, though. Yesterday he rang me while I was coming home on the train and just asked what I was doing...(he was picking me up from the train station) Anyway...conversation went like this... Me "Hey beautiful, how are you??" Him "Good darlin, yourself?" Me "gooooood. How was your day?" Him "yeah, not bad. Where are you?" Me "Oh, about 10 minutes away. Hey I was thinking, with this new job that you are going to be getting. (He is getting a new job) Since it is an appreniship, you won't be getting the same pay as you're getting now. You'll be getting less. Apprenices are on a set wage." him "No they're not. I'll be getting the same wage." Me "nah, I'm pretty sure you'll be on a set wage...less if anything..." Then he hangs up on me. Pfft. I got in the car and I kissed him and I'm like "How come you hung up on me?" And he goes "Cos you were giving me the sh*ts...why didn't you call me back?" I just left it at that. I'm so f*cking over this. So much. WTF? Why would I call you after you hung up on me? So, my plan is NOT to leave him, but I am seriously going to make changes. I am not putting up with this anymore. Like I said, baby steps. So every day I am going to make sure that I do something or pick him out on things that offend me. When I was in the car he was calling me an "idiot" and I sat there glaring at him.... He's like "awww, I'm sorry!!" I know it wasn't a sincere apology but he didn't call me any names for the rest of the night. And usually I'm getting called, on an average night, probably about 5 names a night....not nice ones or anything!! But anyway...
Sparky Posted October 23, 2006 Posted October 23, 2006 Hey Lovestruck, I'm sorry for going off the deep end. And I guess I was pushing too hard, and I'm sorry for that too. I forgot that I used to be like you, and now that I've been through this, it's just so obvious to me now. I had no right to lash out. The reason why I was so offended was because to me, your lack of faith/self-esteem made it look like you didn't care and throught that it's okay to be treated like this. Sorry for pushing so hard. And you're right, it DOES take time. But on the contrary, you can't let this go on. As a matter of fact, I DO see an improvement everytime you reply. You're gradually starting to realize what's really right. This proves that you're a smart girl, and any guy would be lucky to have you (excluding you're d*ck-of-a-bf Rhys).
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