whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I was wondering if that was you in your avatar Lovestruck? If so, you're looking quite hot there young lady!! Ha, if I were a man................hehehe..
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 So what are you saying? I'm saying that I don't want to break up with him cos I don't know what I want....ugh, this so isn't making sense. I'm not ready to go out on my own. I need him there for a while longer. It scares me to think that I would be just pushed out of the car if things didn't work out between us. Just left there, stranded. I have become SO dependent on him, that if things ended, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. That's what I'm saying, I guess. I don't know what to do with my life AT THE MOMENT. I am still kinda lost in being treated as an adult and a kid. I'm just a girl who like surfing and motorbike riding....there's no LIFE as such behind that. I want to figure out what I want with this life I got given. I guess in a way, like I said, I need him there with me, I want him there with me.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I was wondering if that was you in your avatar Lovestruck? If so, you're looking quite hot there young lady!! Ha, if I were a man................hehehe.. Lol, yeah it's me. One of the latest "shoots" I have done.... Lol, I kinda think I look kinda dicky! I look out of proportion!! Meh...
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I'm not ready to go out on my own. I need him there for a while longer. It scares me to think that I would be just pushed out of the car if things didn't work out between us. Just left there, stranded. I have become SO dependent on him, that if things ended, I wouldn't know what to do with myself. Not if you were the one who broke up with him. I still believe that you will not be as upset as you think you may be if you two DO break up. (boy that was alot of "you's" in there! LOL!) I guess in a way, like I said, I need him there with me, I want him there with me. Yeah but one can only take so much crap for breakfast, lunch and dinner before one realizes it's time to change the menu..........
Sparky Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Lovestruck, as much as I love drooling over your new pic, and want to tell you how sexy you look, I don't wanna get off track... I think you think you need him. I can see that you're really confused right now. If you don't feel right "breaking up" with him, just go on a "relationship break". Right now, all this anger, frustration, and confusion is getting you nowhere. FAST.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I'd love to be a fly on the wall so I could see is face if you ever told him, "Hey Rhys, I think we need some time apart, go on a break." That's not a bad idea actually. One week. Just to see how you do without him. Sparky is right - you think you 'need' him, but I really believe that you'll be fine...
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Not if you were the one who broke up with him. I still believe that you will not be as upset as you think you may be if you two DO break up. (boy that was alot of "you's" in there! LOL!) Yeah but one can only take so much crap for breakfast, lunch and dinner before one realizes it's time to change the menu.......... But I would never be the one breaking up with him, if anything, he would be the one breaking up with me. My mum was saying that he's got me believing that he doesn't need me....but really, he does. I don't think that's true.. I don't think he needs me as much as I need him. And that hurts.... Lol, it was alot of "you's"....I don't know. The times that we have semi-broken up I have literally thrown up cos I get that upset. Seriously, I went home and THREW UP. I feel like I can't go on, my whole world stops and I can feel myself getting hot flushes. Seriously, I feel like I am breaking down, physically...it's the most horrible feeling. I hate it. I hate when he says "This is it"....ugh, writng this is making me all emotional and sick. I do believe someone can only take so much. Right now, I feel as though I can't take anymore, yet I still cop it cos I don't want to move on from him....what's the deal with that?
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Lovestruck, as much as I love drooling over your new pic, and want to tell you how sexy you look, I don't wanna get off track... I think you think you need him. I can see that you're really confused right now. If you don't feel right "breaking up" with him, just go on a "relationship break". Right now, all this anger, frustration, and confusion is getting you nowhere. FAST. People, I can't go ONE day without seeing him....the weekend he went away to see his brother....I went mental!!!!!! Do you honestly believe I go ONE WHOLE WEEK without him? Ha, glad some of you have some faith in me, cos I certainly don't believe I could. I'd be thinking over and over "Wonder what he's doing? What if he's cheating on me? Where is he? He would have rang by now, right? I should call him. No, just leave it. No, I'll call him. He'll think I'm ignoring him..." Seriously.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I'd love to be a fly on the wall so I could see is face if you ever told him, "Hey Rhys, I think we need some time apart, go on a break." That's not a bad idea actually. One week. Just to see how you do without him. Sparky is right - you think you 'need' him, but I really believe that you'll be fine... Nup. No way. I just couldn't do it....I couldn't.
johan Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Please be careful with the Dane situation, I would hate to see this situation go to sh*t and you be made out to be the bad guy. I completely agree.
Sparky Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 People, I can't go ONE day without seeing him....the weekend he went away to see his brother....I went mental!!!!!! Do you honestly believe I go ONE WHOLE WEEK without him? Ha, glad some of you have some faith in me, cos I certainly don't believe I could. I'd be thinking over and over "Wonder what he's doing? What if he's cheating on me? Where is he? He would have rang by now, right? I should call him. No, just leave it. No, I'll call him. He'll think I'm ignoring him..." Seriously. And I'm being serious too. If you honestly need to question if he's cheating on you, what he's doing, and if you're life's gonna end without him, then you REALLY need to get out of this relationship NOW, because that means you can't trust him. No trust, no love. No love, what's in a relationship? Do you honestly believe I go ONE WHOLE WEEK without him? You'd better, if you really trust him. Ha, glad some of you have some faith in me, cos I certainly don't believe I could. That's the problem right there. You're life doesn't depend on another person, it depends on YOU, and YOU alone.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I completely agree. The thought isn't even in my mind....I would NEVER cheat on Rhys. Or anyone for that matter. Cheating makes me sick.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 And I'm being serious too. If you honestly need to question if he's cheating on you, what he's doing, and if you're life's gonna end without him, then you REALLY need to get out of this relationship NOW, because that means you can't trust him. No trust, no love. No love, what's in a relationship? You'd better, if you really trust him. That's the problem right there. You're life doesn't depend on another person, it depends on YOU, and YOU alone. I know, I wish I could trust him, and there's nothing he's done to make me NOT trust him, so I don't know what my problem is. Probably cos he always seems so keen looking at other girls and makes remarks like "I'd run away with her, for sure" or "Wow, I'd like to see what's under those clothes"...but anyway, it's probably just the way he is.... Uhhh, I just don't know anymore. Like I said, I am so dependent on this guy, I cannot imagine walking away. The thing is, I have been like this in any relationship, including friends. I get real clingy....really dependent.
Sparky Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I know, I wish I could trust him, and there's nothing he's done to make me NOT trust him, so I don't know what my problem is. Probably cos he always seems so keen looking at other girls and makes remarks like "I'd run away with her, for sure" or "Wow, I'd like to see what's under those clothes"...but anyway, it's probably just the way he is... If he's serious about those remarks, he's a misogynistic pig. Well... it's hard to say. Being a guy myself, I feel a little hypocritical saying that, but I'm not in a relationship (*wink* *wink* ) and I'm definately not misogynistic. It's hard to tell if he's being misogynistic, or just being a guy. Even though he's attracted to someone, it doesn't mean he's gonna leave you for them. Heterosexual men will always be attracted to females, and check them out if they're attracted. You can't stop someone from finding another person attractive. It just one thing you have to accept. HOWEVER, if it goes beyond THAT, THEN you could have a problem. Uhhh, I just don't know anymore. Like I said, I am so dependent on this guy, I cannot imagine walking away. The thing is, I have been like this in any relationship, including friends. I get real clingy....really dependent. Look, I know what it's like to be easily attached to someone. I'm like that. I'm the type of person that falls in love easily, and it's a pain in the ass! But you need to realize that he doesn't control your life. Nor should you let him. It's an urge you have to fight, and it's a big fight.
Ripples Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I know, I wish I could trust him, and there's nothing he's done to make me NOT trust him, so I don't know what my problem is. Probably cos he always seems so keen looking at other girls and makes remarks like "I'd run away with her, for sure" or "Wow, I'd like to see what's under those clothes"...but anyway, it's probably just the way he is.... Lovestruck, I haven't read the whole thread, sorry, but this bit made me wince! He seems to be overstating to you that he's independant from you, that he doesn't need you, that he could get another woman etc. etc. etc. It seems like he's overcompensating. In many respects, it could be pretty intimidating for him to be going out with such a beautiful girl (and one that has a lot more about her than just looks). But that's no excuse for his actions. It's also a pretty good way to make you insecure, and consequently, more dependant on him. The breaking up with you is not good either, it's like he finishes it to get a reaction from you that a. reassures him that you want him and b. makes you insecure about where you stand with him, and thus more dependant on him. It's game playing, and that's just nasty. Uhhh, I just don't know anymore. Like I said, I am so dependent on this guy, I cannot imagine walking away. The thing is, I have been like this in any relationship, including friends. I get real clingy....really dependent. Hmmm, seems that with Rhys has really got you in a position where he never has to worry about what you do when he's not with you. He's made you so insecure, you spend all the time when you're apart, worrying about him instead of looking after yourself. I'd seriously want to dump him, if I were you. I honestly believe you're worth more and can do so much better.
Walk Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Wow Love, The more you tell about this guy the more I have to question what you really need from him? He doesn't give you emotional support. Doesn't bolster your confidence. Doesn't validate your feelings. Doesn't make you feel better about your world. Doesn't even give respect to you or your family. What do you need that you actually get from him? What does he give you that you "need" in order to live? Everything you get is all because of your work and your actions. He's not giving you much of anything. ALso just wanted to say.. and I'm not sure how to explain this... I've had guys I thougth I couldn't live without dump me, and I was devestated. But when I took the power away from them, by being the dumpee, it wasn't so bad. I was heartbroken, but not devestated. This isn't coming out right. Basically what I'm saying is that I think a portion of the reason you are so upset when Rhy's threatens to end it is because it's not your decision. I'm not saying your trying to control things, but Rhys is using the power to place the ultimate power play in action (breaking up). At that point you have NO control over what happens to your life. But when you stand up for yourself you regain a bit of that power in teh relationship. The ability to control and influence your own life. If I had to guess.. I would say some of the feeling of "need" is really based on the factor of control over your own life. An ability to direct and control your path without someone ripping that power from you. And since he's always been the one in control, then staying with him allows you at least some security in how your life is headed. It's known. You know what to expect. And the fear comes from not knowing what to expect, and not trusting that you have as much power as Rhy's over your own life. You feel he is sailing the ship, and if he left the wheel you'd be rudderless... but really all that's happened is he's taken control of the wheel and won't let you even close to touching it. nevermnid. that made no sense.. ahahha Last thought.. You might be hurt and upset if Rhy's ever found someone new. But ultimately, if you love him, then you would want him to be happy. If you two are causing each other so much misery that you can't be happy together, then why would you want him to be miserable and unhappy the rest of his life? I see a lot of control issues going on in your relationship. Struggle for equality in power from you, and Rhy's trying to stay "in" power.
nicki Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 You sound like me when I was your age. I dated a guy just like Rhys. Married him, too. Divorced him many years later. The years in between were sheer emotional hell. So I will tell you to leave him. I know you can't yet, but you need to keep hearing it. One day you will get fed up and leave on your own. That day will come sooner if you consider all the wisdom coming from everyone posting. I wish I had heard what they had to say. They are looking around a corner for you that you can't see for yourself. For now, just take a baby step to equalize the power in your relationship. Power is everything. In a relationship, you must share it with each other. Right now, Rhys has it ALL and he knows it. So, based on my years of experience with a Rhys clone, I suggest that you: 1. When he is disrespectful in behavior or speech, STOP whatever you are doing. (You will know something has just happened because your heart will sink and you will feel small.) 2. Say, "Whoa, back up there. You can't talk to me that way." (Or "do that to me.") 3. Then, you must physically walk away from him. This is VERY important. You must LEAVE. It is the only way you can show him with YOUR actions that you mean business. If you are out with friends, then leave the bar with them, not HIM. If you are in the car with him, as soon as you get to your destination, LEAVE him. Call a friend to pick you up, whatever. Just LEAVE. It will make you feel more powerful. Over time, it will increase your self-esteem. 4. Don't let him turn things around so you are consoling him. It's about YOU, not him. If he cries, then he makes it about him, get it? So, calmly ignore his tears and restate what's making you so upset. It's a cheap trick on his part to make you off-balance. He may not even be aware of doing this, it doesn't matter, though. He's not healthy emotionally. I have no empathy for someone who has no empathy for me. 5. Remember that he does not deserve your best effort until he is meeting your needs. No reciprocity or going out of your way until he is being CONSISTENTLY nice. No more running over there when he is upset. That's just what you want him to do for YOU. Make him come to YOU. Anyway, please stand up for yourself when the moments arise that you need to. Keep your friends and family close. Don't let him isolate you from them. You need them. And keep posting here so you can have new thoughts to put in your head, and not the warped ones he has planted there.
allina Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Hey Sweetie, I think a time will come (and soon) when you realize that you in fact don't need him, because guess what? You don't! You are more important, your family is more important, your future, self respect and dignity are more important than some little sh*t head of a little boy that doesn't realize what he has You say you need to find yourself, butfinding yourself and growing up with an abusive relatonship will only make it harder for you to change things later and be with someone who will treat you right. Whatever happens, I honestly wish you the best of luck, I just wish you would see that you deserve better.
Pyro Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Hey Sweetie, I think a time will come (and soon) when you realize that you in fact don't need him, because guess what? You don't! You are more important, your family is more important, your future, self respect and dignity are more important than some little sh*t head of a little boy that doesn't realize what he has You say you need to find yourself, butfinding yourself and growing up with an abusive relatonship will only make it harder for you to change things later and be with someone who will treat you right. Whatever happens, I honestly wish you the best of luck, I just wish you would see that you deserve better. Good advice. I second this.
BenThereDunThat Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I also second everyone's advice on realizing that you don't need him. But I think you should be more concerned with why you're so co-dependent on him. And from what you've said you're this way with all relationships. Maybe it's time to do some soul searching in that area to try and figure out why and what you can do to fix it. Because that is no way to live.
Sparky Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Lovestruck, I completely agree with everyone on here. Please do yourself a favour, and consider what we're all saying. The whole reason why you started this thread was to get advice on how to handle this. You've got plenty of advice. If you don't consider what we're all saying, then you have just wasted your's and everyone else's time by starting this thread.
allina Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 If you don't consider what we're all saying, then you have just wasted your's and everyone else's time by starting this thread. Yes, but putting pressure on a poster in this way is not necessary, sometimes people need to vent and saying that a poster is wasting someone's time is sort of rude.
Sparky Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Yes, but putting pressure on a poster in this way is not necessary, sometimes people need to vent and saying that a poster is wasting someone's time is sort of rude. I'm sorry if I came on that way. But I said that IF she doesn't do something about this and listen to us, THEN she's wasting her time and everyone else who's trying to help her through this. I'm sorry if I sounded rude. I didn't mean to.
Author lovestruck234 Posted October 22, 2006 Author Posted October 22, 2006 Hi everyone, WARNING: This post will most likely be long Thanks heaps for everyone's advice. It was all great. Really great... I feel so stupid you know? EVERY single person around me is telling me to get rid of him, yet I still stay there, by his side. I think I mentioned it before but I once had a friend who was in an abusive relationship and we were constantly telling her to get out, but she didn't... Anyway, my weekend was ok. Alright, I guess. It didn't start off on a good note. Friday night Rhys and I went out for dinner. Anyway, there was this blonde girl sitting behind me, I knew she was there and whenever I was talking to him, he wasn't listening, just looking at this girl. I was getting kinda peeved, I mean, looking I dont' care about, but the fact that he wasn't listening to me. So I said "Hey, did you hear what I said?" He says "Sorry, what?" I'm like "Cos geez you haven't taken your eyes off that girl behind me the whole time I was talking to you...(laughs)" He says "F*ckin hell Tess, you p*ss me off. We're not friggen married or anything...." then he mumbles "I really can't see us being together forever"... I said back to him "Ok Rhys, settle down, I was only joking around. Anyway, moving on...." I proceeded to keep talking like nothing had happened and he was being stubborn and just giving me one word answers. I just kept talking etc and eventually he loosened up by the end of the night... Is it just me or should I more than anyone be the one that was p*ssed off, not him?? Anyway, we were ok by the end of the night. Stayed at his house Friday night. Now get this.... I was watchig TV and he came over and put his arma round me...(we were laying in bed)... He kissed me on the cheek and I looked at him and kissed him back. I was cuddling him and I'm like "Do you wanna watch TV? Cos I...." Now I was about to say "Cos I'll turn it off if you wanna get a little frisky..." and he interrupts me by saying "F*ck you, Tess." Then rips the covers and turns his back to me. Yeah, exactly, WTF? I was sitting there, dumbfounded and I'm like "What the hell Rhys? I was just going to ask you..." and he interrupts again...."I don't care Tess. You can go home. You can take my car if you want. Just leave." I know the right thing for me to do would have been to leave but I didn't. I sat there watching TV while he had his back to me. He fell asleep and so I turned the TV off to go to sleep. AS I layed down to go to sleep he comes over and put his arm around me and goes. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you were going to say that..." I was like "Whatever. Good night." We were fine in the morning, no bickering or anything. I left early to go into town to hand out a few of my CV's to a few businesses (as I'm leaving this job at the end of the yr) and he had to unload a truck load of hay.... Came back home and I had forgotten to take my phone with me into town and looked at it and had 7 missed calls. They were all from Rhys. I rang him back and he's like "Oh no, I just didn't know what you were doing, just wanted to see if you wanted to come up..." Anyway...the rest of the weekend was ok. Sunday he went for a motorbike ride and I stayed at home re-arranging my room and cleaning it. And you know that's the problem. I need stuff to fill out my day. I went for a surf then came home and did that and I didn't think of him once. If I'm really busy doing things, like physical things where I'm not thinking about anything else, I am fine. The minute I sit down and do nothing I start to fret and worry about him.... So I need to find heaps of things to fill out the days I don't see him, would you agree? Well, apart from those couple of little hiccups, all went well. Do you think I reacted to the situations well? Oh, and another thing, you know how he's always sarcastic about things? Well, he sometimes takes it too far. He had me in tears on the weekend because of one of his jokes. We were laying in bed and he was kinda half sleeping. I leant over to him and started to kiss him on the chest, neck etc and he pushed me away. he's like "Tess, go to sleep..." I giggled and just kept going, then he's liek "Tess, seriously, dont' you get it? GO TO SLEEP! F*cking hell! Leave me alone!" So I rolled over and started to cry a little. Then he's like "Naaaaah, only kidding around! Awww, what you cryng for? I was only kidding!" I'm like "well, it didn't seem like that!!" He did it a few times over the weekend. It really p*sses me off. Cos then when he IS serious, I'm giggling and joking arouns. Then that's when he gets p*ssed off.... Do you think he does this to see my reaction? I try not to react, bt sometimes it's hard not to!!
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