Ugh....it's him again.....

[This_Too_Shall_Pass]

Tess...I don't know what to say. I'm worried about you.

 

Still, I'll try to sum up -

 

1. Do what WWIU suggests. She is absolutely right.

 

2. You have to outgrow the fear of Rhys leaving you. You have stop being scared of being alone. You won't be alone, you have people around.

 

3. If Rhys acts like a jerk, just get away from him. None of his post-tantrum apologies mean anything, if he takes out his own frustrations on you every time.

 

4. Make very clear ground rules for this. No Rhys-rage, no apologies, and no weakening from your side. Tell him you want a mature adult, not a 6 year old.

 

5. About Dane....somehow, it really doesn't strike me as a good idea. What if he turns out to be just as temperamental as Rhys - or even worse? Everyone is nice in the beginning, you know.

 

6. Somehow, I just don't think he should've been whining about his GF to you. You don't complain about Rhys to him, do you? Then why does he have to come to you with his sob story? Maybe I'm being too cynical...but I smell opportunistic behavior on his part.

 

7. Lastly, please don't do anything that will burden you with guilt, later down the line. Relationships are delicate stuff, and often you gain better judgement at the cost of losing someone dear.

 

So, if I were you I would ask Dane to lay off. Be firm with Dane and with Rhys. Don't jump into anything without clearing up your current situation. If anything, you'll have a clear conscience, even if neither Rhys nor Dane work out relationship-wise.

[everlong]

we here at drama tv have decided to conceal the real names of these people and replace with fake names to protect those who may have the same name and these real people and thus painted and tarred with the same brush. it is our expressed desire here at drama tv to maintain a strict code of quality drama tv while adhering to the principles and policy according to sub section 12 of the innocent until proven guilty manual. anything expressed here in is no way associated with Fred, and Barney and is soley the property of john and lovestruck and any attempt to reproduce and sell will result in 'stiff' [wink] fines or penalties - we thank you for tuning in and watching this weeks show and we hope u look forward to monday's episode of Drama Tv. classic series "All My Children - As The World Lets Go.'

Allister Sims

[whichwayisup]

(cos he never lets me drink)

 

Is he your father? He has some serious control issues Tess.

 

I am glad you stood up to him, now you just need to do that more and not back down.

 

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I JUST WANT TO DIE. I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK. I WANT MY LIFE TO BE SO SIMPLE. LIFE FOR EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE SIMPLER WHEN I'M GONE. I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I don't care. I just don't.

 

I care and so do many others here on LS. Remember that!!

 

You're having a rough one right now and I hope tomorrow you feel better.

[Island Girl]

See, as stupid as this sounds, I felt so...well, I felt so damn good on Saturday night when I just told him to get ripped when he went off at me in the McDonalds car park...

 

I am glad I was drinking that night (cos he never lets me drink) and I am so f*cking glad that I told him where to go. I felt so....lol, well I felt so empowered! I think he probably didn't take it too seriously seeing as I was drinking but he apologised first, and you know why? Cos I wasn't the one to go running to him, he came running to me after I think he realised "Whoa, hang on....maybe I stuffed up here..."

 

But I wish I was like that when I'm sober. Lol...cos he said to me when we were on the grand stand "I don't care anymore....I'm over it...."

 

And usually I'm the one to be like "Awww, don't say that, you DO care..." but you know what I said back? "Yeah, neither do I. I don't give a f*ck anymore...."

 

TREAT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED PEOPLE. Don't put up with bullsh*t....I know I sound so hypocritical saying this but f*ck, I am just so OVER FEELING LIKE A PIECE OF SH*T. I WANT SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME FOR WHO I AM, RESPECTS ME FOR WHO I AM, LISTENS TO ME WHEN I'M UPSET WITHOUT TELLING ME TO "GET OVER IT", MAYBE EVEN CRIES WITH ME SOMETIMES, CARES ABOUT WHAT I THINK, WANTS TO KNOW WHAT I THINK ABOUT CERTAIN THINGS, WANTS TO TAKE ME OUT TO DINNER, WANTS TO RUN ME A BATH, WANTS TO BUY ME FLOWERS, TELLS ME THEY LOVE ME, GIVES ME CUDDLES WITHOUT REASON, BUYS ME GIFTS WITHOUT REASON, KISSES ME WITHOUT REASON, TELLS ME THAT "TONIGHT, I WANNA MAKE LOVE TO YOU" INSTEAD OF "TONIGHT, I WANNA F*CK YOU", I WANT SOME GOD DAMN RESPECT!!! I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, I DON'T. I AM SO F*CKING OVER IT.

 

 

I DESERVE THE F*CKING MOON FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. I DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!!!

 

Sweetie, OF COURSE YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

#1 - the "he never lets me drink" You do have free choice but you have given it up. This is a simple fix - to get your head on straight and say to yourself - "who are YOU to tell me what to do" and "I make my own decisions THANK YOU!"

 

**** Unfortunately this can be a cycle for some people. They make rules to follow, and instruct their partner about what they can and can't do, but they lose respect for that person just accomodating them and not going telling them to take a flying leap!

 

#2 - you are right about being strong to him. I know you why you say to him "don't say you don't care, you DO care".

You are caught up.

You want him to value you and realize he cares about you. But in order for him to value you, you have to value yourself. That is that you are smart and can make your own 'lifechoices' like whether you want to drink or not. That is just ONE example.

 

Your feeling are valid. Not stupid, not ridiculous. Am I wrong that you are bothered by his actions a lot of the time?

 

 

So you must ask yourself, why do you want him so much? Are you looking for a point of miraculous realization when he will suddenly change and start treating you well, cherishing you, and respecting you?

 

Like, if you do what he says and stick around he is one day going to look at you and say, "you have proved yourself to me and you are my forever"

and then all of the poor treatment will go away?

 

You have nothing to prove to him. He is lucky to have you and if he can't see that - his loss.

 

You are worried about him being with someone else -

.....it seems like you are thinking "he treats me badly,...but at least he is HERE treating ME badly!....He isn't with some other girl treating HER badly!"

 

That is how it is when you really get down to it. That is why I said -- I understand what you are saying. You don't really care that much when he is gone. Because really - you don't even LIKE him. As a person. And how could you? He is controlling, verbally abusive, and a know-it-all.

 

Of course you feel like nothing matters. And especially that you don't matter. That is the way he treats you.

 

IT ISN'T TRUE. You are worthwhile, funny, and smart. You have plenty of people who care about you.

 

WHO IS HE? Why does his opinion mean so much? He is just a guy who is soooo insecure he has to put people down to make himself feel better.

He treats women badly because he has issues. It isn't you, he'll treat any woman he dates badly.

 

You do deserve better. You shouldn't need any convincing of that. What has caused you to think of yourself as "less"? Why don't you feel you deserve to be treated better -- and DEMAND it.

 

There is a flip side to the "treat people as you want to be treated"....

"demand to be treated as you are treating others".

 

You deserve to be treated as valuable because you are valuable.

 

That is something you need to tell yourself over and over again. Because right now it doesn't feel to me like you believe that.

[alphamale]

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING. I JUST WANT TO DIE. I JUST WANT TO RUN AWAY AND NEVER COME BACK. I WANT MY LIFE TO BE SO SIMPLE. LIFE FOR EVERYONE ELSE WILL BE SIMPLER WHEN I'M GONE. I'M NEVER COMING BACK. I don't care. I just don't.

please try not to be so melodramatic L234...

[lovestruck234]

we here at drama tv have decided to conceal the real names of these people and replace with fake names to protect those who may have the same name and these real people and thus painted and tarred with the same brush. it is our expressed desire here at drama tv to maintain a strict code of quality drama tv while adhering to the principles and policy according to sub section 12 of the innocent until proven guilty manual. anything expressed here in is no way associated with Fred, and Barney and is soley the property of john and lovestruck and any attempt to reproduce and sell will result in 'stiff' [wink] fines or penalties - we thank you for tuning in and watching this weeks show and we hope u look forward to monday's episode of Drama Tv. classic series "All My Children - As The World Lets Go.'

Allister Sims

 

That's not really that funny....if you were trying to be....

[the_alchemyst]

we here at drama tv have decided to conceal the real names of these people and replace with fake names to protect those who may have the same name and these real people and thus painted and tarred with the same brush. it is our expressed desire here at drama tv to maintain a strict code of quality drama tv while adhering to the principles and policy according to sub section 12 of the innocent until proven guilty manual. anything expressed here in is no way associated with Fred, and Barney and is soley the property of john and lovestruck and any attempt to reproduce and sell will result in 'stiff' [wink] fines or penalties - we thank you for tuning in and watching this weeks show and we hope u look forward to monday's episode of Drama Tv. classic series "All My Children - As The World Lets Go.'

Allister Sims

 

This is a really insensitive post. These types of posts aggravate me because not only are they insensitive, but are arrogant and hypocritical, too.

 

Sure, to the "older" poster who has been there (quite possibly a looong time ago), these types of threads/problems may seem immature, melodramatic, and pety, but you have to keep in mind that they are non of the three to the person posting it.

 

And while you may be old enough to look back and think how naive you were for making such a big deal back then, the point is that the big deal WAS made back then because at the time you were going through, it WAS a big deal to you.

 

Sure, now with your "adult" relationship problems, these seem like pure teenage stupidity, but they really are not (at least, to the "teens" going through the problems).

 

I hate how people easily forget when they were young and went through the exact same thing, feeling vast quantities of emotions all at the same time, and not knowing what to do with them, when they are "adults" and look back with this arrogant cynicism.

 

Anyway, Tess--you feeling that way is the result of you reaching a "limit" of sorts. I agree with Kittie who said that you are probably not confused--you know that you deserve better and that you should leave Rhys and try to find (whenever) another guy who does give you better. I honestly think you already know this, but you don't want to believe it, and thus you are torn between two entirely different thoughts and prospectives.

 

I wonder if you are obsessed with Rhys moreso than in love. Hmm.

[lovestruck234]

Hi everyone....

 

 

So, I'd like to apologise about yesterday. It's just the times when I am talking about all this stuff the emtions start to build up and...I guess I kinda let loose....so I'm sorry.

 

When I got home yesterday I went straight for a surf. I felt so much better. That's why I surf. It's so relaxing. I can just forget about everything. I got home from the beach at about 7.00pm and went to the back yard to wax my board...

 

Mum comes out and hands me the phone,...."it's Rhys...."

 

He didn't even say hello all I got was 'How come you didn't ring me to tell me where you were going to be?"

 

I said back to him "Well, I guess I was in a bit of a bad mood. Needed to get away for a while. It's no big deal, I'v only been gone for an hour...."

 

Then he says "Yeah, but you should have told me. I've been trying to ring your phone all this time..."

 

I said "Oh...well, it's in my car...I don't really take it into the surf with me...(laughs)..."

 

He says "Still....you should have let me know...."

 

That's when I just went "nuh uh"...."What? Are you my father or something? Hahaha, I shouldn't have to tell you where I am every second of the day. I just went for a surf, much like I do every morning of my life. Except this time I went in the afternoon, BIG DEAL! I very rarely know where you are for most of my day. I don't hassle you with 101 questions or anything. I'm not the boss of you...just the same as you're not the boss of me...I got to go. I'll call you later on."

 

"Don't bother..."

 

So I didn't. Didn't call him after dinner, didn't call him at all. Then at 11pm last night I was just about to go to bed and my phone rings. Rhys.

 

"Tess. Do you think this is going to work....you know, us?"

 

"Of course I do. I wouldn't be putting in all I've put in if I didn't think we were going to get somewhere. Ha!"

 

"Yeah, I know. I just get so....worn down by all this arguing."

 

"Ok, Rhys. Let's have a think here. Who started the argument tonight?"

 

"...........................me"

 

"Ok, and who started the arguments on Staurday night?"

 

".....................................me"

 

"Ok, so I don't know whether you're seeing a pattern here but I certainly am. You have GOT to stop talking to me like this. I'm sorry, but there's only so much a person can take. I am copping all I can at the moment and frankly, it's getting too much. It has got to stop. I know you know full well what I'm talking about, so I don't think there needs to be any questions or furhter argument on it..."

 

"I am so sorry. I....I am so sorry."

 

And he didn't say anything else.

 

"I think things need to change, we both need to change. I know I've got some serious adjusting to do, but so do you. You have to learn that a relationship works both ways...k?"

 

"Ok..."

 

"Now, I'm not trying to be mean or b*tchy here, but it's time to stop. No more treating me like sh*t. That's it. And the next time you do, I am not going to be able to cop it. If there is a next time, then....that's it."

 

"Can you come up to my house?"

 

"Of course I can..."

 

So I went up to his to find him crying on his bed. I sat there cuddling him for most of the night. He just cried and cried. Didn't say anything, just cried.

 

And then this morning I got a message saying "Hello beautiful, I miss you heaps. Have a great day. Love you lots xxxxx"

 

So....I guess there's progress now???

[Road Rage]

When he asked you to come up to his house the answer is "definitely not, I need some time to myself" that way you don`t have to spend all night being controlled by his emotional manipulation and set the stage for the next round of mental abuse that is sure to come!

[Island Girl]

So, I'd like to apologise about yesterday. It's just the times when I am talking about all this stuff the emtions start to build up and...I guess I kinda let loose....so I'm sorry.

 

DON'T APOLOGIZE. It obviously helped form the looks of your post.

 

Good for you.

 

And then this morning I got a message saying "Hello beautiful, I miss you heaps. Have a great day. Love you lots xxxxx"

 

So....I guess there's progress now???

 

Yep guess so. And doesn't it feel a lot better that he values you and your relationship to make the effort.

 

Just remember this Tess how this happened and how you felt when you accomplished this.

 

If he slides, remind him the same way - even if it just a slight thing.

 

He seems like most guys. Demand respect and they'll give it to you and they see you as more valuable too. They work harder at the relationship and aren't so quick to make dismissive comments to you or about the relationship.

 

The hardest one is when they say something out of the blue for no reason like, "I don't think we'll work out". But the best reaction is, "I want to be in a relationship with you but if you don't want to be here I don't want you here."

 

Then let them work out how to get out of their foot in their mouths.

[johan]

What was he crying about? He calls you rotten names at will and then starts crying when you point out that he has the problem.

 

It could be progress, Tess, but I think you should play it cool and not really give in so easily. He could be learning his lessons, but until he demonstrates some real understanding of what the problems are, AND offers some real solutions, you don't have anything except his tears to hang your hopes on.

 

And, speaking from my own experiences, I can guarantee you that tears don't mean very much all by themselves.

[the_alchemyst]

*Thinks*

 

You know, I would have done the exact same thing: I would have run to his comfort at the first sign that he "needed me."

 

Yea, I admit I would have. And I would have sat there with him too, trying to comfort him in every which way, and the next day would be great--he'd be all happy and "in love" again, and I would think, "Alright, we're doing better now."

 

And come a few days he acts the same way with the same abuse, same fights, same apologies, same tears, same aggreements, rinse, lather, and repeat.

 

The point is Tess, and I'm sorry to say it, but this isn't an improvement; it's just the "happy part" of the abusive cycle you are enduring with him. He's not going to change his ways just because one night you midly put your foot down; it's going to take much more than that, and frankly, I don't see him doing it.

[burning 4 revenge]

This is a really insensitive post. These types of posts aggravate me because not only are they insensitive, but are arrogant and hypocritical, too.

You have to admit it was funny he signed it Allister Sims

[lovestruck234]

What was he crying about?

 

You know, I am kind of convincing myself that MAYBE it's because he starts to realise how much of a pig he was to me.....

 

 

But when the whole abuse thing comes around again, that convincing thing gets thrown down the toilet.

 

It could be an act, it could be attention seeking....it could be his own share of problems?? I don't know...

 

Maybe he's feeling the same as me....?? But you would think if he's feeling the same way he wouldn't be doing this in the first place??

[lovestruck234]

*Thinks*

 

You know, I would have done the exact same thing: I would have run to his comfort at the first sign that he "needed me."

 

Yea, I admit I would have. And I would have sat there with him too, trying to comfort him in every which way, and the next day would be great--he'd be all happy and "in love" again, and I would think, "Alright, we're doing better now."

 

And come a few days he acts the same way with the same abuse, same fights, same apologies, same tears, same aggreements, rinse, lather, and repeat.

 

The point is Tess, and I'm sorry to say it, but this isn't an improvement; it's just the "happy part" of the abusive cycle you are enduring with him. He's not going to change his ways just because one night you midly put your foot down; it's going to take much more than that, and frankly, I don't see him doing it.

 

Yeah I can see what you're saying is right, I wish it wasn't though. Lol

 

 

I had a friend once who had an abusive boyfriend...she put up with the crap for over a year. And all us girls would sit there with her, cry with her, tell her she needs to get rid of him, but she never did...

 

What I'm syaing is, I guess the situation is a WHOLE lot different when they shoes on the other foot.

 

She couldn't see what we were saying to her, well, she could, but she was going about it the exact same way as I'm going about this....

 

 

 

????

[lovestruck234]

You have to admit it was funny he signed it Allister Sims

 

Weird, I didn't laugh once while reading it....

[the_alchemyst]

Yeah I can see what you're saying is right, I wish it wasn't though. Lol

 

 

I had a friend once who had an abusive boyfriend...she put up with the crap for over a year. And all us girls would sit there with her, cry with her, tell her she needs to get rid of him, but she never did...

 

What I'm syaing is, I guess the situation is a WHOLE lot different when they shoes on the other foot.

 

She couldn't see what we were saying to her, well, she could, but she was going about it the exact same way as I'm going about this....

 

 

 

????

 

Oh, I tend to think that that's because we are trying to deceive ourselves into thinking that we love them, therefore we stick with them, and that others "don't understand, anyway" because he's "not always like this," and "when we're okay, I feel like the happiest girl in the world," and not to forget that "I love him so much and I never want to be with anyone else."

 

Sometimes we get angry and we think, "To hell with this! I don't need this! I deserve much better than what this jerk will ever give me because yes, that is what he is: A JERK!!"

 

But when we calm down (read: rationalize), we think, "Oh, how could I say that? I was just exalted. Nevermind that. I love him and he loves me, and we will work this out."

 

Note this also frequently happens when we manage to squeeze an "I'm sorry" from them, because you know they'll never say it on their own.

 

So, what's all this? We just "know" it will work out, that's all; other people don't understand.

 

That's all.

 

Yea. Right. Okay. Next.

 

The problem is that this is how we think feel, and that people on the outside not only see the abuse, but the negative thought patterns that we have as well: they see the bad that he's doing, and the bad that we're doing to ourselves, in the name of "making it work because I love him." But we don't, or if we don't, we pretend we don't, which is worse, anyway.

 

I did that for 2 freaking years and I've got nothing but a dysfunctional heart, in ever which way, to show for it. And it's still lingering over my left shoulder just like the devil.

 

How long will she take the abuse from a man? ...

[burning 4 revenge]

Weird, I didn't laugh once while reading it....

Neither did I, but I thought it was funny.

 

Alaister Sim played Scrooge in the 1951 classic version of A Christmas Carol.

[lovestruck234]

Neither did I, but I thought it was funny.

 

 

Hmmf, I didn't.

[lovestruck234]

Oh, I tend to think that that's because we are trying to deceive ourselves into thinking that we love them, therefore we stick with them, and that others "don't understand, anyway" because he's "not always like this," and "when we're okay, I feel like the happiest girl in the world," and not to forget that "I love him so much and I never want to be with anyone else."

 

Sometimes we get angry and we think, "To hell with this! I don't need this! I deserve much better than what this jerk will ever give me because yes, that is what he is: A JERK!!"

 

But when we calm down (read: rationalize), we think, "Oh, how could I say that? I was just exalted. Nevermind that. I love him and he loves me, and we will work this out."

 

Note this also frequently happens when we manage to squeeze an "I'm sorry" from them, because you know they'll never say it on their own.

 

So, what's all this? We just "know" it will work out, that's all; other people don't understand.

 

That's all.

 

That is all so true. You know, the thinking patterns. It's like the same pattern over and over again....

 

I never really realise it and just think it's normal, until it's put in words like that.

 

I have thought about keeping like a diary or something of the patterns and evrything. See where it can be prevented...

 

I don't know, just a thought...

[Walk]

Good job on putting your foot down Lovestruck. I thought you did great.

 

But really, don't think of this as the "start of change". It's like kids.. when they know they can run all over you. One instance of putting your foot down might garner their respect for that moment.. but they'll be testing the limits of that boundary the second you let up. Knowing that yesterday there wasn't a boundary there, and pushing against what you set to see if you really meant it, or if it was a temporary outburst that will die off in the next hour...

 

He'll keep testing. And he'll fight against it harder next time. And he'll change how he reacts. This time crying, next time it'll be anger, the time after that will be silent treatment... etc. etc.. If each time isn't met with the same resolve on your part, then he's going to exploit it. IF he doesn't, great. But expect the unexpected right now. You're attempting to redefine your relationship and how he interacts with you. He's going to react in different ways. At the very least, try to anticipate any potential response and prepare a worst case scenario so you aren't caught off guard in the future. You have to stick with this. If you lapse, then as soon as you realize it, set your boundaries again. And again, and again. Until he either respects them, or you finally get sick of his childish behavior and knock his sorry ass to the curb for good.

[Island Girl]

I have thought about keeping like a diary or something of the patterns and evrything. See where it can be prevented...

 

I don't know, just a thought...

 

Probably would be a good idea if nothing else it will show you how often it happens.

 

My advice would be to at least mark a red dot on the calendar every day he does something or says something that puts you down.

 

Hopefully you don' look at the month that has gone by with lots of little dots staring back at you.

 

Same thing in a diary -- mark the top of the page with an "x" or something so when you flip through the pages it is fairly easy to tell if there are a lot of days like that.

[whichwayisup]

The crying is either from the heart, or a way to manipulate you so you don't leave him, or stay mad at him...Time will tell. So, look for what he does in action...He can tell you 100x over and over, with tears, that he's sorry and won't treat you badly again, but until he actually STOPS for good, I wouldn't trust 100% what he is telling you.

 

He has to learn that you don't treat the ones you love with such resentment and disrespect!

[lovestruck234]

Last night was a start....

 

We were watching a really scary episode of CSI and I was geting really freaked out. Anyway, it was time for me to go home and I had driven up to his house.

 

Anyway, I asked him if he could take me home seeing as I was scared of going home by myself (I know I know, I am big scaredy cat!) anyway, he'e like "No, you'll be right, just go home..."

 

I was like "Pleeeeease, I'm really scared..."

 

Anyway, after about 10 minutes of begging him he's like "Aww, fine!"

 

Then I'm like "It's good to see you're not getting your own way all the time, isn't it?" (Laughs)

 

He's like "What?"

 

I'm like "Well, that sometimes you have to do things you don't always want to do. And sometimes you have to face the fact that I'm not going to give in....hahahaha"

 

He's like "Ohhhh, I see where you're going with this, nup, go home yourself."

 

Then after another 10 minutes of begging he gave in again and took me home.

 

Do you think it's good that he gave in like that? I mean, the situation was no big deal, like, it wasn't something major, but the little things add up right?

 

As in, for once I got MY own way and he didn't?

[the_alchemyst]

All I see is that he got his way again because you had to "beg" him to accompany you home. That's just messed up, Tess. Why did you have to "beg" him to do something for you that was so simple, and, in my opinion, a given.

 

From what I've read before, it's not all that far--why would he not want to go with you?

 

If I had a gf who came up to visit me, at the end of the night I would always take her home, unless she didn't want me to, in which case I'd walk her to her car, at least. WTF.

 

Not even my jerk exbf did that. He would always either take me home or walk me to my car. Unless, of course he was pissed, in which case he wouldn't mind kicking me out of the car and leaving me out in the middle of the road, but you know.

 

Oh, Tess--I just don't see the "improvements."