Ugh....it's him again.....

[lovestruck234]

Tess, great job. You handled it like a strong woman. And it's easy to be strong around a weak man. He has a lot of growing up to do. I hope he learns to deal with all the anger and crap he always has. He could be a good guy if he tried.

 

Thanks johan....

 

I think I did a pertty good job. Seeing as I had this vision in my head of the day we break up me on the ground in a sobbing mess....lol

 

Does everyone think I did the right thing and give him a second chance? My mum and dad are kinda angry at me that I got back with him...does everyone think I should have just.....let it be? Cos I don't know what to think now....

[Kittiecat]

Does everyone think I did the right thing and give him a second chance? My mum and dad are kinda angry at me that I got back with him...does everyone think I should have just.....let it be? Cos I don't know what to think now....

 

I would have preferred a clean break, but this is definitely a nice stride. You're very close to waking up completely. Bravo!

 

PS - stay away from the figure 8s, they'll cloud your judgment.

[johan]

Thanks johan....

 

I think I did a pertty good job. Seeing as I had this vision in my head of the day we break up me on the ground in a sobbing mess....lol

 

Does everyone think I did the right thing and give him a second chance? My mum and dad are kinda angry at me that I got back with him...does everyone think I should have just.....let it be? Cos I don't know what to think now....

 

Tess, don't second-guess yourself. If a second chance is a bad idea, then it just won't work out. So just do your thing.

 

One thing though: it's great you can confide in your family and rely on them for guidance. But I'm sure you realize now that letting them know all the details has biased them and is going to make it hard for you to have Rhys around with them. I think it's better to keep your private relationships private.

 

It's pretty true that no matter who you're with you're going to get hurt and/or mistreated occasionally. If you tell that stuff to your family, then they instantly take your side and the person you care about will never be viewed fairly by them. Especially because the only time you really need to confide in them is when something is going wrong. When things are going well, you probably don't also tell them about that.

 

This will be more important to you later.

[lovestruck234]

I would have preferred a clean break, but this is definitely a nice stride. You're very close to waking up completely. Bravo!

 

PS - stay away from the figure 8s, they'll cloud your judgment.

 

Lol, those damn figure 8's....you're right!!

 

Well like I sid, I am going away this weekend. Won't be back till Sunday afternoon...so, I think this is a great time for him to think about things....hey, and a great time for me to think too!

 

I had told him that I needed to take 10 steps back and not get so consumed...I think I'm doing the righ thing by going away this weekend.

 

It's funny though, because when I had told him these things last night. Like I said, "Well, this is just what I think. I think, SUB-conciously we do get a little fed up with each other from time to time. But see, I could see you every day, every minute of it and it wouldn't bother me, but deep down I think we both need breathers from time to time. I know that if I don't, that's when I'm going to start to get consumed in you again...and that's not what I'm planning on doing...I am saving my own emotions here, you know....from that dreaded day that it does happen....I know I will be a little stronger, that's all..."

 

And he's like "But I still want to see you on weekends and all of that!!"

 

And I said "Yeah, I know, so do I. I'm just tlaking about everynow and then. When we think were due for a weekend away with the boys motorbike riding or I'm craving to do some shopping with the girls. I think this whole set-up will work out alot healthier that way."

 

I think he was a little scared that I was kinda finally stepping back and going "Well, no! This is going to happen, and this is going to change, and I want this, and I don't want that..." he was sort gob-smacked that i was throwing around all these ideas, and my thoughts that I had kept bottled up for so long...

 

I don't think he even realised....!!

[lovestruck234]

.

 

One thing though: it's great you can confide in your family and rely on them for guidance. But I'm sure you realize now that letting them know all the details has biased them and is going to make it hard for you to have Rhys around with them. I think it's better to keep your private relationships private.

 

This will be more important to you later.

 

I know what you're saying. Just, this is something kinda big (what he had said) and it's hard to keep big things like that bottled up...

 

Cos most of the time I do...I just talk to mum every now and then about what's going on with me and Rhys. I very rarely go into detail.

 

I just happened to yesterday because a) I was p*ssed off at him and b) this is my family you're talking about. NO-one will ever talk to my family or about my family in that way. That's when things get ugly.

[whichwayisup]

Don't EVER be afraid of speaking your mind...Don't you feel alot better? I mean, the things Rhys said about your family is disgusting! I AM glad you stood your ground on that.

 

The thing is, now he's being all nicey nice to you - He KNOWS he crossed the line, (though doesn't really care as he'll say the same stuff again at some point) so now he's covering his ass. He can't see the damage he's done, even if you didn't tell your folks, what he said he can't take back. I mean, wtf possessed him to say those things?? where is all his anger coming from?

 

TO be honest, I wonder if he's abit "off" mentally. No joke, Tess. He is showing signs of abuse, he's rude, he is manipulative and down right CRUEL as well. Honestly, I don't see what you love about him. Sorry honeybunny, for saying that, but I just don't see it. Even if he makes you feel so happy for like an hour, the rest of the 9 hours you feel like sheeyt...

[Sparky]

Tess, I'm very proud of you. You finally stood up to him.

 

"Well, look at it this way, atleast you won't have to worry about me picking you up or looking at my face again. Now you can go and have fun with your friends. Cya xo"

 

He left that message to make you feel bad, because he was too self-centered to think that this was all his fault. I mean, it's not like doing this to you is anything new at all.

 

Personally, I would find it very hard to give someone a second chance. That just goes to show you how incredible you really are Tess.

 

But I have to admit, under the circumstances you're in, I think that giving him a second chance was not such a good idea. He hates your family, your family hates him, and you just said that you expect to break up with him. If you have any doubts about a relationship working, then it was a bad idea.

 

At the same time, I'm proud of you for giving him another chance. Who knows? Maybe he'll become a better person. And maybe your family and him will start to like each other. IMO, I wouldn't hold your breath, but if YOU think giving him a second chance was right, that's all that matters.

 

But if he blows it this time, he not worthy of any more chances. Again, it's good you're giving him a second chance, but you need to know once you hit a dead end.

[lovestruck234]

TO be honest, I wonder if he's abit "off" mentally. No joke, Tess. He is showing signs of abuse, he's rude, he is manipulative and down right CRUEL as well. Honestly, I don't see what you love about him.

 

My mum was saying the exact same thing. I think so too. He has sort of, weird issues....some of the things that come out of his mouth make me think "What the f*ck?"....

 

I don't know....

 

He sent me a message today and it says this...

 

"I don't want this to get weird....I'm feeling kind of funny about all of this.. love u xoxox"

 

then I wrote back...

 

"What do you mean? Look, like I said, you know full well that this is what I want. And I can't force you to love me or want to be with me. Wish I could....xoxox love u 2"

 

then he wrote back..

 

"Just with your parents. Things are just going to get harder is all I'm saying...I love u xoxo"

 

then I wrote back...

 

"Of course I love you too. I guess you just gotta ask yourself the question do you wanna be with me or not? Because I don't to be taking you down a path you don't even want to be on. I'm not going to force you to do anything. Of course I want to be with you, but it's got to work both ways. If you don't want to be with me...well, there's not much I can do about it. But just know that I'll always love you no matter what. So God damn much!! xoxox"

 

then he wrote back...

 

"I wanna be with you, f*ck breaking up, I don't want that. I will work at it, I will. I promise. We will get through it...I love you 2 xoxo"

 

then I wrote back...

 

"I am glad to hear that but you have got to make sure that this is what you want for sure. Not half hearted. It won't work otherwise. You either want all or nothing. If you want time to think, I'll give you time. I love you lots and lots xoxoxoxoxoxox"

 

and he hasn't written back. He's probably busy at work. He also offered to pick me up this afternoon too. Lol, after saying that he was fed up with picking me up, he's now offering....I told him it's ok and dad is going to pick me up...

 

He's a weird one, this one....

[Walk]

I know you realized he was trying to shift the blame on to you by saying you have to "gain his trust". But don't buy into that line of crap, ok?

 

Also... WAY TO GO!!!!!!!!!!!!! You did good. Not so sure I would've given him a second chance. He'll be on his absolute best behavior for a while now. Trying to re-secure you. I'd give him a month before he's back to the old Rhy's who cussed your family name. maybe three weeks.

 

Anyway... wanted to add that you do hold a heck of a lot of power over your own life. Just look at Rhy's reaction when you told him you didn't care. But honestly, don't even give him an inch. You don't owe him anything, let alone a second chance. You're doing him a HUGE favor by even offering this to him. If he steps out of line again, and doesn't immediately realize he F'ed up big time, then drop him for good. You've already given a million and one times to treat you with respect and love.

 

And be on guard that you don't drop back into your old habits of accepting his insults, outburts and cruel jokes. Stay on your toes, ok? It's really easy to fall back into old habits... and those aren't healthy for you. They were destroying you.

 

p.s. I like your plan of action as far as the trial period, and the girls weekend away. Its a fairly good comprimise for you... between what you probably really want to do (be with rhys totally) and what you know you need to do (regain personal independence). Baby steps. This will work until your stronger, as long as you keep working at getting stronger.

 

Also, explain to your parents that this is what you need right now. That they can express their concerns but not to nag or attempt to pressure you. I bet they'll respect your wishes if you talk to them. I know I've had to tell my parents this for years, and years, and years...... hahaha They fall back into old roles really easily too.

[lovestruck234]

Thanks Walk...

 

I am definitely staying on my toes....for good. I told him the minute he stuffs up then that's it, I'm out the door...

 

I am also not going to kid myself and say he will change. I know he will go back to his same ways, but I think maybe if I keep my ground he won't be as bad. I mean, like I said, the minute he steps out of line, no excuse or message is going to be good enough. I think he's lucky I forgave im for saying that about his family...

 

Imagine if I said that about HIS family? You would ALL know what his reaction would be like. He'd go off the rails!!

 

You know what? The way i see it, he's lucky to even HAVE me, or for me to even CONSIDER him back after what he said. That sort of sh*t is unforgivable in my books. My family is VERY important to me and I'm pretty bloody protective of them. So, really, I don't even know why I bothered with him.

 

Great, now I feel stupid for responding to that message. If I didn't respond, this wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have to worry about "What if?"...but I still want to be with him....

 

Man, I don't even know what I want anymore....

[Sparky]

Thanks Walk...

 

I am definitely staying on my toes....for good. I told him the minute he stuffs up then that's it, I'm out the door...

 

I am also not going to kid myself and say he will change. I know he will go back to his same ways, but I think maybe if I keep my ground he won't be as bad. I mean, like I said, the minute he steps out of line, no excuse or message is going to be good enough. I think he's lucky I forgave im for saying that about his family...

 

Imagine if I said that about HIS family? You would ALL know what his reaction would be like. He'd go off the rails!!

 

You know what? The way i see it, he's lucky to even HAVE me, or for me to even CONSIDER him back after what he said. That sort of sh*t is unforgivable in my books. My family is VERY important to me and I'm pretty bloody protective of them. So, really, I don't even know why I bothered with him.

 

Great, now I feel stupid for responding to that message. If I didn't respond, this wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't have to worry about "What if?"...but I still want to be with him....

 

Man, I don't even know what I want anymore....

 

Tess, you have no idea how happy I am that you have realized this. You've become so much stronger since you first started this thread. If you don't believe me, go compare your first posts to your most recent.

 

Anyways, the more I think about it, the more I support you giving him a second chance. My opinion has changed, so I'm going to suggest that you finish with what you started. You never know unless you give it a shot, right?

 

But at the same time, if you have a bad feeling about how things will turn out, chances are that it will, but notice the key word "chances". I could be wrong.

[lovestruck234]

Tess, you have no idea how happy I am that you have realized this. You've become so much stronger since you first started this thread. If you don't believe me, go compare your first posts to your most recent.

 

Anyways, the more I think about it, the more I support you giving him a second chance. My opinion has changed, so I'm going to suggest that you finish with what you started. You never know unless you give it a shot, right?

 

But at the same time, if you have a bad feeling about how things will turn out, chances are that it will, but notice the key word "chances". I could be wrong.

 

I just, like I said, I don't know what I want. I want to be with him, but I, well....no so much DON'T want to be with him, I just guess I am trying to save my emotions by not becoming involved...

 

I don't want to go through what I went through last night. It was horrible. To be honest, I would rather HE break up with ME just simply because of how bad I felt last night for it...

 

Sorry, I'm sinking back down again...

 

I think just taking it one step at a time would be best. Even if just tonight we take it for JUST tonight, then take tomorrow JUST for tomorrow. And not plan things....

 

I have said this before but life was so much easier when boys had cooties...

[Touche]

You shouldn't want to be with someone that you have to "keep in line." It never works out. Yes, continue to be tough and he will be better..that's what bullies do. But he's still the same bully and the minute you get sucked back in with him, and sorry but I think you will be, he'll be RIGHT back to his old and real self.

 

It's clear this isn't over. You're not through with each other. My prediction is that it's going to get really ugly before you walk away for good.

 

Hope I'm wrong though. Good luck.

 

Oh and I'd be REALLY pissed if I were your family too. Where's your loyalty to them? You tell them all of that and then go back to him? I feel so badly for them. Wow. How could you be with someone who said those things about them? I mean you said you love them so much.

 

And again, he's an ABUSER. Abusers NEVER like your friends and family. They try to break you away from everyone you love so they can better control you.

 

I wish you could see all of this.

[allina]

I'm really proud of you for becoming stronger and coming so far in the past couple of weeks.

 

But, I think this "relationship" is over and I don't think there should be a second chance, or any I love you so much. I think that once sh*t gets this deep and the f-yous start flying it's OVER. I just don't think respect/love can ever be regained after saying the things he has said to you. I also cannot fathom how you can even say I love you to a guy who has just insulted your family like this, I seriously can't grasp that one. Calling you three times in a day and texting you doesn't change anything. Really, do yourself a favor and cut this person from your life.

[Touche]

Well said Allina! I didn't get how Tess can say "I love you" to someone who has said those things about her family either. It doesn't jibe with what she said about how no one messes with her family (or something to that effect.) Apparently he CAN. Apparently he can say anything he wants and she'll still love him and run back to him.

 

I too am proud of her strength now but I fear that it's short-lived. I PRAY that I'm wrong.

 

Hey, prove me wrong Tess. PLEASE prove me wrong.

[allina]

Thanks Touche, I also hope that it's not short lived and that if just makes her realize that he's not worth it.

[Sparky]

Hey everyone! This is for everyone else in this thread, because I've already shared this with Tess.

 

Remember when I said that I was in the exact same situation that Tess is in now? Well, here's a letter I wrote to someone who treated me the exact same way, and how I told him he screwed up for good. I'm sharing this with you so that you all know what this person did to me, and how it was exactly what Tess is going through.

 

This letter is rather long, just to give you a heads up. All names are replaced with words in brackets (example). Here it is...

 

Dear (abuser),

 

Do you know why I blocked you in the first place? Or better yet, why I didn't block you earlier?

 

In case you haven't figured it out yet, I'll tell you. It’s because of how you’ve been treating me, and still are treating me, and how you made me feel so worthless.

 

I’ll list all the times…

 

The cybersex incident

 

I told you about me and (the girl involved) because I trusted you. I’m not saying that (another person) was innocent in it because he wasn’t. But it was you who decided to take it overboard.

 

(another person) told me to print off a picture of her to show him, so I did. Once I showed it to him, he said that she was his girlfriend. He said he was so upset that he was going to be sick.

 

Now, from knowing (another person), I thought he was joking and thought “he’s full of crap” until you talked to me privately about it and told me how he was so mad and so upset that I shouldn’t talk to him and give him some time to cool off. Then I felt so dreadful for the rest of the night, and was worried about seeing him at school the next day.

 

That day, you come and tell me that you were just joking? Do you have any idea what you put me through? And how awful I felt? I felt like crying. What made it worse was that everybody told me that I brought it upon myself and said “well, you should’ve thought of that before you told him about that.”

 

This is what made me write that nasty blog on MySpace. And whenever I think of this incident, I start to ask myself why I didn’t go to security and file for harassment charges.

 

What’s worse about this is that you keep telling me how funny that was, and say that this is entirely my fault. You’re not even the slightest bit sorry about it. Sure, I could’ve said nothing and it never would’ve happened, but I trusted you. Are you saying that it’s wrong to trust anyone?

 

Me and (girl)

 

When I told you about me and (girl), and told you about Hepatitis B, and how it can be transferred via saliva, you said that I could be at risk. You said that she was a whore, and I should get checked up. When I said I wasn’t sure if I had the vaccine or not, you made me worry. I now know that I had the shot when I was younger.

 

The trip to McDonalds

 

We walked out from Pizza Pizza and headed to your car, locked me out, drove off and teased me several times that you’d let me in. I was angry at first, but once you finally let me in, I was able to forgive you, even though it was too much, because you assured me that you wouldn’t do it again, and that the joke was over.

 

After I was done my snack at McDonalds, I told you that I was going to walk back because it wasn’t very far away, but said to wait for you guys to finish up and we’ll all drive back. The real reason why I wanted to walk was because I didn’t trust you, but then I remembered you saying that the joke was over and you wouldn’t do it again, so I decided to wait.

 

Once you guys were done, what did you do? YOU LOCKED ME OUT OF THE CAR AND WOULDN’T LET ME IN, THE ONE THING YOU ASSURED ME THAT YOU WOULDN’T DO. So I ended up walking.

 

When you were “drunk”

 

This wasn’t too long ago. You remember that joke you told me?

 

Knock knock,

Who’s there?

2nd year?

2nd year who?

NOT YOU!!

 

Do you think I’m going to find that the slightest bit funny? Did you forget what I went through after finding out that even though I tried my hardest, I still failed my year? Or did you even care?

 

Don’t give me this bullsh*t excuse that you were drunk and didn’t mean it. Do you expect me to believe that after everything else you did to me? Even though you’re drunk, you’re still responsible for your own actions.

 

The MSN chat with (another person)

 

Here I was fighting with who appeared to be (another person) but was really you who sign into his account. Here I was wondering what’s going on with him, and what I could’ve done wrong.

 

 

Well, there you have it. All the times you treated me like sh*t. I’ll admit, I don’t have any proof that it was you I was talking to on (another person)’s account, but don’t you think it’s a little bit odd that you just so happen to know his password? And even if it wasn’t you, I should’ve blocked you earlier.

 

After looking back on all of this, the message I’m getting is crystal-clear…

 

“You get a kick out of making me feel miserable.” How can all of this possibly mean anything else? I tried to believe that you were a nice person, and that’s what I thought first. But the only thing you are is just a sadistic jerk. You couldn’t care less about how I feel just as long as you find it funny, and that’s not what friends do.

 

Well, it’s either 1 of 2 things: You don’t care about how I feel or how hurt I am, or you’re just too stupid to figure it out.

 

Now with all this being said, do you think I missed you at all? Do you think I’m going to be happy to see you? Do you think that I’m just going to forget all the things you’ve done? If you really need me to answer these questions for you, then that’s just sad.

 

I’m tired of forgiving, and I’m tired of giving you second chances, (abuser). I just can’t do it anymore.

 

So I can’t help but ask… Why would you miss me? Why would you want me to be in 2nd year with you? Do you have no one to treat like sh*t anymore? Or take advantage of their trust? Why would you want me around? With all this, I start to get second thoughts about coming in to visit.

 

You can’t do these things and expect me to look at them as a joke or take it personally. You screwed up for good (abuser), and I can’t take this abuse and harassment anymore. You’ve got no one to blame on this but yourself.

 

Sorry,

 

Brent Cherry

 

After what he did to me, I have I hard time looking at him, must less talk to him. And what's really weird? To this day, he still acts nice and friendly to me as if none of this ever happened.

 

I should also mention that there were more things he did, but these were the most cruel and stood out in my mind. And he backed up all his actions not by saying "sorry" but "I was just joking".

 

I hope that now you understand why I felt that I needed to help Tess. I know the experience too well to let someone else suffer through this.

[whichwayisup]

Sparky, that's quite a letter. You know, I can relate to what you went through, I had a friend in highschool who used to do things to me, just as a joke - To this day, I still have some insecurities because of her.

 

Can you start a new thread about this? I think it's an interesting topic and I'm sure many have experienced what you've been through recently.

[Touche]

And he's proud of it.

 

I agree that there's no such thing as a "real" man. French horn or rusty trombone - it's all subjective.

 

I'll take the French horn if it's all the same to you.

[magichands]

I'll take the French horn if it's all the same to you.

Me too. Especially if you're playing.

[Touche]

Me too. Especially if you're playing.

 

Oh yes. I'm playing.

[Walk]

Go back and look at the dates Tess.

 

October 16: Rhy's says he understands and is sorry, and PROMISES things are going to change. Balls his eyes out.

 

October 19th: He saying he hates your family and is calling them names.

 

October 22nd, he's calling you a ****ing idiot. Making you feel retarded, unwanted, degraded.

 

October 24th: He's not just insulting your family, he's ranting like a lunatic about what ****ing idiots they are.

 

This is the guy that realized on the 16th that things had to change. That he wasn't right for treating you like dog shyt. That he was going to lose you if it continued. THis is the great revelation he had that he was GOING TO CHANGE!!!

 

Less than 3 days later, he's right back to the same behavior he's always done. Treating you like crap, telling you you're a burden, insulting you, insulting your family...

 

 

If he so much as sneezes wrong Tess, dump him for good. Don't even look back.

[Touche]

Here's my prediction:

 

When Tess comes back from her weekend away from him, he's going to be treating her one of two ways..no in between. Either like GOLD, telling her he missed her, etc...wooing her into bed OR he will make her feel guilty and question every little thing she did when she wasn't with him.

 

Doesn't really matter though. This guy is just bad news. He doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend.

[norajane]

I'm glad you found your strength, Tess. You stood up to Rhys for the sake of your family this time. When you are ready to stand up for your own sake, you will feel even stronger.

 

Man, I don't even know what I want anymore....

 

I know this thread is about your relationship, but I wonder if you've given thought to what you want out of life completely aside from your relationship.

 

Do you want to go to college? Do you have a dream of being an astronaut, a dance teacher, a supermodel, a writer, a surfboard designer, a politician, a zookeeper, a landscaper, a motor-cross bike shop owner...?

 

Do you want to travel all over the world? Do you want to stay in your hometown? Do you want to grow the world's biggest tomato? Do you want a houseful of kids and animals?

 

It might help you to consider your future...and what you need to do to meet your goals...without worrying so much about fixing Rhys. Work on yourself so you get everything that's important to you out of life.

[IpAncA]

Here's my prediction:

 

When Tess comes back from her weekend away from him, he's going to be treating her one of two ways..no in between. Either like GOLD, telling her he missed her, etc...wooing her into bed OR he will make her feel guilty and question every little thing she did when she wasn't with him.

 

Doesn't really matter though. This guy is just bad news. He doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend.

I agree. Hes nothing but trouble and your right, he doesn't deserve a girlfriend at all.