Is it a "break" or are we through? When and if to give up?

[uncertainofwhoiam]

Warning – this is a long post – I just needed to let it out!

 

So – it has now been 9 days since our “break” up – not sure if he just needs time to grow up? Or if it is over forever? He left because he said he felt like he was not good enough for me – and he was not smart – that he needed to grow up a little and figure things out – that he can’t give me what I deserve (meaning marriage and a baby) right now and it is not fair to me – so he needed to walk away.

 

I called him 3 days into the break up to let him know that I had scheduled for us to see a couples counselor and gave him time and location – but I also said if he chose not to go – I understood – wanted it to be his choice and told him I respected the fact that he needs space/time. He called Thursday to say he could not attend the appointment (swamped at work and not enough guys to cover for him) but asked if he could call later that night to talk.

 

He did call – and said he was angry about a ticket he had gotten and asked if we could just speak the next night – I said yes – of course. The next day he called in the afternoon and wondered if he could stop by to pick up “some” of his stuff. I said yes and that I would not be there – so he would have his space while doing it. I returned home that night only to find almost everything gone – all his clothes, shoes, cologne – but he did not take any of the pictures of us – gifts I had given him – or any of his mail/paperwork – or extra car keys etc.

I of course fell apart when I saw the shelves and drawers empty – I thought he would only take “some” things – you know 6 shirts – a few jeans etc.

 

A neighbor saw him taking trips to the car with stuff and said he sobbed and cried the whole time. What does that mean?

 

I had also missed a call from him that night at 8:30 – but he left no voicemail and I decided he would call me back if he wanted to talk.

 

I have been respecting the NC (no contact) things – but it is killing me. I want him to know I am here for him – that I love him (he knows that) When we hung up a few days ago – I told him I loved him and he said “I love you to.” The last morning we were together – he called into work and said he would be a few hours late – he just held me in bed. I know he loves me – we have talked repeatedly about spending the rest of our life together

 

He is my best friend – my partner – my lover – EVERYTHING. And I am lonely without him and feel like I have nobody to turn to.

 

The fact of the matter is – it is killing me – I honestly feel like I am dying inside. I am having a hard time sleeping – can’t eat – and barely stop crying.

 

I read all of these posts on here – and everyone says it gets easier with time – well each doy for me is harder and harder. I could understand if there was another woman – or if we fought all the time – or if we had been having trouble at home – but none of that applies. We love one another – both cried through the break up – all the while saying we love one another.

 

A few of his sisters have also called this week to check in on me (I feel like the are my family too) – they all tell me to hang in there – just to give it time and take it one day at a time – that if it is meant to be it will be. Not sure if this is positive or just them being nice – but they know something else (since of course he has talked to them about us).

 

Our 5 year anniversary is on Thursday – I want to do NC until then – but then feel like I should call or something – to let him know I love him, miss him etc.

 

OTHER HISTORY: We had been together for 5 years and lived together for the full 5 years – and there is a 5-year age difference. I am older.

 

The last few months have been hard for him – I think he is depressed (used to be treated for it). We had been talking about moving into a new place – something we both like – since our current place is equivalent to a Cracker Jack box. Every time I showed him a place he seemed indifferent and I was struggling with making all the decisions and I thought some of what has been going on is that he is growing up and wanting to be the man in the relationship – He will be 24 in January.

 

He has 5 sisters (he is the only boy) and ALL of them are going through big life changes right now – two are pregnant – one is engaged – one just got married – one just lost a baby – and another has asked her husband to move out – because he was not contributing to their life – emotionally or financially – and had been abusing her.

 

The ticket with his car is a big deal – he has to take all of the after-market stuff off of it and have if smogged by the Highway Patrol – basically it was a $5000 oopps and loosing his car the way it was (all tricked out) was part of his identity and hard for him to cope with.

 

I think other things that weigh into this – is, because I am older – all of my friends are getting married, pregnant and buying houses – we are not there – but he assumes that is what I want. To be honest of course I am ready – but I am not in a rush and think a few more years would be great. The peer pressure is tough though – people always ask “when are you two getting married?” or “Are you pregnant yet?”

 

I want to give up – can’t imagine living without him – but am trying to have faith we will make it through this time – problem is I don’t know how long to hang on – before I do “move on” if this is really temporary or permanent.

 

I can’t imagine the holidays without him – moving without him etc.

[Kamille]

poor sweetie! I really don't know what to say as obviously you two do care for each other a lot, but the "I'm not good enough for you" sentence is a big red flag. He probably feels he needs to get his life together all on his own right now. And all you can do is understand.

 

 

And heartbreaks do get easier, but I don't think you've accepted that the relationship is over - and until then, the healing doesn't begin. It might take awhile before you can accept it's over because you seem to feel that you can help this man. Just remember that only he can help himself.

 

courage! remember we're here for you!

[silentcharon]

Wow... that mirrors my own situation.. almost.

 

 

I was never in a rush to get married, I was happy simply dating him and he knew this. I dated him for 7 years- we are now 22 and 23. We agreed that we would get married when we felt ready to, and that we'd just take our time. I was completely fine with this.

 

BUT... it was tough having to answer people's questions when we were going to have kids or get married. In some ways, we felt pressured- how society expects people to get married/have kids after a certain number of years of dating. I think it played a factor in our break up- the last year or 2 of our relationship, the questions increased ten fold, I think he probably got scared and left, despite my reassurances that I was in no rush. So now, he needs to "find" himself.

 

I have gone into NC, read my threads if you like. I could not handle being his friend while he made up his mind on whether the break up was "for now" or "forever", and not cross boundaries while being friends with me (ie no kissing, etc). It confused me way too much so I left.

 

I think you should remain in NC, let him go. He'll come back when he's ready to, if he truly means that he just wants to be alone right now. I feel your pain, I've been there and I still feel the pain sometimes. He was my best friend too, so not only I lost someone I loved, I lost my best friend too.

 

He tells me that he still loves me and misses me, but then how come he's not there? That is the question I ask every time I feel like breaking NC.

 

If you want, you can write a letter to him saying that you are still there for him if he ever needed to talk. You can say that you respect the NC rule, and will not be contacting him again after this. Once you give him the letter, leave and give him his space. He'll talk to you when he's ready to.

 

Good luck... it is truly hard.

[uncertainofwhoiam]

I am so glad I found these boards - It is really helping. Our anniversary is on Thursday - NC until then and maybe I will leave him a message saying I love him etc.

 

Today is a big day for him - I know it is the day he has to take care of his car. Once he is over this maybe he will be able to focus on us or begin healing himself.

[D-Lish]

NC will work to your advantage in this particular case.

He obviously needs space to figure things out for himself.

 

Men often feel the pressures of having to take care of things- to have their personal and financial s%$t together- to provide, etc. If he's depressed, he has some things to work through. Him saying he isn't good enough for you says he doesn't feel he is living up to his personal standards.... give him time to straighten that out on his own.

 

The best thing you can do is to let him have this time. I wouldn't even acknowledge your anniversary. I know that sounds harsh- but it is him that has left, it is him that is distancing himself from you. he obviously needs space right now. Everytime you interrupt his space by telling him you love him- you interrupt his process of thinking things through.

 

You have to be absent to be missed.

Not reaching out on your anniversary- which he will expect you to do, will have more of an impact than keeping in touch.

 

He knows you are there for him- but he obviously wants to work through this himself. Turn the tables a bit and stop reaching out. Your absence will make him miss you.

 

When you don't call, he will start to wonder why. He will begin to have thoughts about you moving on, he will start to ponder life without you. That is when the missing you will kick in... it may even panic him a bit.

 

Right now he knows you are still emotionally available to him- so he has no need to make any concrete decisions.

 

You have to let him think that he is making the choice to come back- that is the only way both of you will feel good about the reconciliation.

Good luck...

D

[uncertainofwhoiam]

definitly a different way of thinking about it. Thanks - I will take into consideration. Feels harsh - but maybe that is what he needs - for me to not be there all the time - emotionall available for him. To really miss me and wonder how I am doing.