Going through hell....

[Dad_of_3]

Hi Dad hope your doing okay..Donald

 

Thanks for the well wishes Don, I think as everyone has seen and read.

 

Doing ok, surviving and now moving on with my life.

[Dad_of_3]

Week has been really tough. Up, down, sideways and I'm sure it will be for some time.

 

I have in a sense need to find my feet still. I know its a long long road ahead of me.

I do still feel so close to her, but yet so distant. You know the saying so close yet so far. Thats how it is now.

 

I know I do need to have some space to work things out for myself, as does she. Whether she does or doesnt, its not in my scope to know.

 

Flyinghigh, I've got to say, your advice has been really helpful and insightful. It has really made things clearer. Not to blow smoke or anything, but friends and family have said the same thing as you have, but it seems clearer what I need to do as I re-read through all the posts by everyone.

 

I've had minimal contact with stbxw this week, even though I have the urge to call, or sms, to hear her voice.

I know I cant, unless its a kids matter, but I will not use that as an excuse to speak to her.

 

Friday, I went around to help out with the car registration as she does not know what to do. I went and got the inspection done and then brough the car back to her. After that, cause of the early morning, I asked if I could get a cup of tea before I headed off to work.

I had my cup of tea and she came out to discuss more matters in regards to the kids.

She wanted some concrete plans for them till the end of the year.

As the conversation went on, it drifted to us.

Following everyones advice, I just shut up and listened.

All I asked of her was complete honesty and truth. Ironic coming from me, I know.

I let her know this would help us build something in regards to being stronger co-parents.

She admitted to being in 'fear' of upsetting me and wanting to do things to make me happy. Part of her people pleasing issue.

I calmly stated that, that would not be beneficial to either of us as co-parents or for the kids.

It moved on that we are now moving on with our lives and that she wished me all the best in the future, saying how when I meet someone that she wishes me all the happiness in the world. She wanted me to give her my well wishes for her future. I want nothing more than for her to be happy. Hurts that it maybe with someone else, but that is not a factor in which I want to consider anymore. I let her know, that as long as she is happy, I'm content in that knowledge.

I guess for me, the conversation was in some ways of letting go in my mind. You are right Flyinghigh, my sense of closure is no where near to what I thought it was. Its still not there.

When it was time to leave, we shook hands, which I was not content with.

I looked at her and simply stated, " We are past that point of just shaking hands, can I have a hug?"

She was reluctant at first, saying she didnt want to give me the wrong idea, but then hugged me. She nestled into my neck.

God, it felt so good to have her in my arms again, but in my mind it was a goodbye hug on certain levels.

I motioned to kiss her, a goodbye kiss. She moved away at first, then kissed me.

She broke off and said she had to go. I guess she was startled at what happened.

I left there and headed to work, in my mind, I let go in some regard. I know with the kids, we will always play a role in each others lives.

When I got to work, I recieved a phone call from her.

She was calling about registration of the car and then proceeded to say she was not happy with what happened and she was not ok with it.

I calmly stated that it was a goodbye that I was trying to say.

She said as long as that was what is was, not in some way trying to get back with her.

In any case, the conversation didnt last long, I said for her to Take Care of herself, and well she knew where I was if she wanted me for anything.

 

Still hurting over it, but yup, I gotta walk the talk.

 

Looking at moving out of here as soon as the new year rolls around.

As I will be looking after the kids for 3 weeks in December at my old house.

In this case, I am wondering if this is a bad choice?

She wont be there as she will be travelling but maybe its a bad choice for myself.

I look at it as a opportunity to save some money till the New Year rolls around so I can then confidently move out with as little help as possible. Or I should bite the bullet and do it now, with a bit of bank financing ...

I guess I am a little stuck at which way to turn

[Dad_of_3]

Was rough yesterday as well.

 

She seems to be in such a rush to fast track everything in regards to finances and what not.

To be honest when it boils down to it, I really dont want anything from our old life. Whether it be furniture and what not. I dont want any of it. I am content that it all go to charity or to sell it and split the money.

My brother went around to help her with her tax return, now the crappy thing as when he was finished, her 'new man' dropped by while he was there.

This brother I am not really close too, he has not said boo to me for almost my whole life, he has issues he needs to work out.

With this vrother, its very business like with him.

Anyway I had the kids for Saturday and was just settling in for a night of watching Monster House with them

He comes home and proceeds to be an absolute dick about things. Asking what is going on etc etc.

My stbxw has asked me to keep things quiet with the other guy.

That she doesnt want people to know as yet, I really dont know how to approach this.

Should I just say, you need to go speak to her about that?

When it came down to it, I was angry at my brother cause he brought me back down to a level where I was hurting again. It was not good especially with the kids in the next room starting to watch a movie. I respectfully told him, that he knows nothing of the situation, and that I was not comfortable talking to him about this situation.

I then proceeded to go back to the kids and watch the movie with them, put a smile on my face and make the most of the time I had with them.

I tried to be strong dad and just focus on time with them.

After the movie, I was sooooo glad to just go to bed.

I'm sick, got a cold, and this was the last thing I needed.

In any case, I am ok today.

She arrived Sunday morning to pick up my oldest for a swimming carnival. I was pleasant and cheerful.

This afternoon, will be the afternoon we have the talk to the kids about what is going on, its to make it formal I guess.

I'm not scared, it will be tough but its got to be done, for the kids benefit.

 

Will post how I go

[LakesideDream]

Dad of 3, update me a little. How long have you and your wife actually been seperated?

 

Looking at your early post it looks like February, correct? It seems like a pretty short time for a woman with kids and "responsibilities" to have a new man... especially without a fresh set of divorce papers.

 

Are you absolutely positive that there wasn't something going on BEFORE you're screw ups? It's beginning to smell a little like your wife had a "back up" in place before hand.

 

IF so it's nothing new. But it is something you should think about as your situation continues to mature.

[FlyingHigh]

Dadof3,

 

You're doing great by how you have handled yourself with your wife. Here's the cofusion part with regards to your wife's behavior:

 

Friday, I went around to help out with the car registration as she does not know what to do. I went and got the inspection done and then brough the car back to her.

What happened to Mr. Other Guy (OG)? Why didn't she ask him to help her out instead? Why you? She's giving you mixed signal. Here's my take on it.

 

If she wanted nothing to do with you, she would have asked OG to help her. The fact that she asked you to help her instead says a lot about how she is not ready to completely let go. OG didn't have to be there to do what you did. She could've done it herself after she asked OG what she needed to do.

 

My stbxw has asked me to keep things quiet with the other guy.

That she doesnt want people to know as yet, I really dont know how to approach this.

Should I just say, you need to go speak to her about that?

It's NOT your job to keep her relationship with the OG a secret!! The fact that she has asked you means that she is not totally into the OG. If she is supposedly be happily "in love" with him as she claims to be, I'd be bragging about him to the whole world! The fact that she isn't, the guy is most likely a rebound and not long-term potential. OR she simply doesn't want to make people "think" that she's doing the "dishonorable" thing. Question it what was her excuse for NOT wanting people to know?

 

The way to approach this is tell her truth that while you "understand" her motive, you would prefer that you not take a part in it and hope SHE understands. If the brother or anyone asks, then approach it with a response, "It's not my place to say. You'll have to ask her". By doing this, you have taken the burden off your shoulders AND revert that responsibility back on her where it belongs. Just because you may have been the one who screwed up (affairs, that is) that doesn't give her the right ask you to lie for her. Personally, this is down right childish! If she wants to play like an adult, she'll have to take responsibility for her own decisions and actions!!

 

She was calling about registration of the car and then proceeded to say she was not happy with what happened and she was not ok with it.

I calmly stated that it was a goodbye that I was trying to say.

She said as long as that was what is was, not in some way trying to get back with her.

In any case, the conversation didnt last long, I said for her to Take Care of herself, and well she knew where I was if she wanted me for anything.

You handled it superbly and calmly! Even if it hurts like heck. And I'm sure you may be starting to get a grip of what you may need to do for yourself when you are ready.

 

I looked at her and simply stated, " We are past that point of just shaking hands, can I have a hug?"

She was reluctant at first, saying she didnt want to give me the wrong idea, but then hugged me. She nestled into my neck.

God, it felt so good to have her in my arms again, but in my mind it was a goodbye hug on certain levels.

I motioned to kiss her, a goodbye kiss. She moved away at first, then kissed me.

She broke off and said she had to go. I guess she was startled at what happened.

You did the right thing as far as asking her for a hug? This may sounds korny and funny, but I just happened to listen to Shania Twain's song "If you Wanna Touch Her, Ask!" and it really rings true to how so many women feel. There's a part which she sings, "if you wanna get close, you need to hear her heart". Paraphrasing here, but you get the jest.

 

In any case, if she feels strongly against getting back together, she probably would've just given you a quick hug or stood there like a wet noodle and then led you out the door. If what you described happened, there's a possibility that she still cares and feels something just a tad more than what she is willingly and openly admit. And admitting to anything remotely close to still be emotionally on to you will not happen by a long shot. What she said "could" be her fear of not wanting to get hurt simply because she doesn't trust you. It's a defense mechanism. This is undestandable. Accept that she will continue to feel this way for awhile even if what she told you is right.

 

I let her know, that as long as she is happy, I'm content in that knowledge.

I know that was tough, but you said the right thing. How did she react?

 

Looking at moving out of here as soon as the new year rolls around.

As I will be looking after the kids for 3 weeks in December at my old house.

In this case, I am wondering if this is a bad choice?

She wont be there as she will be travelling but maybe its a bad choice for myself.

I look at it as a opportunity to save some money till the New Year rolls around so

There are NO bad choices when it comes to your kids unless their lives and safety are at risk. If you've already made a committment to have the kids, don't reneg on this agreement. In your kids eyes, you will be looked upon negatively - unreliable! Don't take the risk of losing their trust and respect. After apologizing and telling them you'll be there for them, don't even think about cancelling out! Period!!! Be consistent!! In the future, if you're not sure because of schedule conflicts, tell STBX that you'd call her.

 

You are finally starting to walk the talk, slowly. Most importantly, you are doing exactly the opposite of what she ordinarily expects you would do which is to get upset. Sometimes, using reverse psychology can lead to answers to the real truth that people would otherwise won't or afraid to say.

 

The fact that you've managed to set aside whatever feelings you were going through every moment you've been with her, however difficult, that is your best recourse for now. As long as you continue to do this, you will be a better person, father and future partner because of it regardless of the outcome. You are finally learning the life lesson you were meant to learn. Don't stop here.

 

Commend yourself for aknowledging the need to change and improve yourself. For many, they continue to look the other way and refuse to take responsibilities for the choices they make simply because it's "easier". But what they don't realize is that this is just a detour from having to learn life's lessons. Eventually, we all have to face whatever life lesson we need to learn one way or the other. If we don't, we will look back with regrets and realize it's too late to do anything about it.

 

So for now, live your life for you and your kids so that you won't look back with regrets. When and IF your wife should decide to give her heart to you, it may be too late for her. You've already sailed.....

[Dad_of_3]

Dad of 3, update me a little. How long have you and your wife actually been seperated?

 

Looking at your early post it looks like February, correct? It seems like a pretty short time for a woman with kids and "responsibilities" to have a new man... especially without a fresh set of divorce papers.

 

Are you absolutely positive that there wasn't something going on BEFORE you're screw ups? It's beginning to smell a little like your wife had a "back up" in place before hand.

 

IF so it's nothing new. But it is something you should think about as your situation continues to mature.

 

Hi Lakeside,

 

Just got back from the talk with the kids. It was killer, I just want to cry now.

 

I moved out in Feburary, She says she gave up in May.

As for the OG. They have apparently been friends for awhile now.

Hurts a little, as from what she was trying to describe was that he replaced me in some way in that way.

I onyl found out about it in August so its still fresh I guess.

I dont think anything was going on before hand, I dont think I ever will know.

We talked a little about that while the kids where playing.

She told me there are rumors around the school and friends now that they know something is going on. She is going to tell them (kids) about him.

All I am concerned about is how hurt the kids are going to be.

All I know is I can only be here for the kids if the sh*t hits the fans.

 

I feel she is making a mistake by jumping into this relationship. This OG, recently lost his wife as well. She passed away with Cancer and he has 2 children.

I feel in myself that both of them are jumping into this way to early. They are 2 people hurting and looking for some comfort.

Its not my concern and I choose to no longer think about them.

She has alot of issues, and even she has admitted this feels good, and she feels entitled to it. In other words, I've been put in my place.

 

As times goes on, even now, I survived it, I havent died over it.

I'm ok and look forward now.

 

Thanks for the heads up Lakeside

 

Hmmmmmm actually, come to think about it, during us trying to work things out, she was spending a lot of time down at swimming (where she met him).

 

I dont want to think about it, done and dusted ...

[Dad_of_3]

Thanks for another brillant post Flyinghigh.

 

As I said, just got back from having the talk with the kids. What started out as spending time with them at the park, she wanted to have the talk to the kids. I simply stated when you are ready to.

I guess I made the decision to tell the kids as she was still up in the air about the whole thing. Was really tough. Its a post in itself.

 

What happened to Mr. Other Guy (OG)? Why didn't she ask him to help her out instead? Why you? She's giving you mixed signal. Here's my take on it.

 

If she wanted nothing to do with you, she would have asked OG to help her. The fact that she asked you to help her instead says a lot about how she is not ready to completely let go. OG didn't have to be there to do what you did. She could've done it herself after she asked OG what she needed to do.

 

I guess in some way she still relies on me to help her out. That I know the mechanic that can help us out. That I am able to make the necessary calls to get it done. Whether she could have asked OG for his help. Well he did paint the house, but apparently that was before anything started between them.

I used to help out so much during the time I was looking after the kids at my old home while she worked. I would wash up, do laundry, tidy up, vaccum etc etc. In some way of helping her out, that she would have more time to spend with the kids. I'm taking a step back from that now, well I have to since I cant even go near the house unless invited.

 

It's NOT your job to keep her relationship with the OG a secret!! The fact that she has asked you means that she is not totally into the OG. If she is supposedly be happily "in love" with him as she claims to be, I'd be bragging about him to the whole world! The fact that she isn't, the guy is most likely a rebound and not long-term potential. OR she simply doesn't want to make people "think" that she's doing the "dishonorable" thing. Question it what was her excuse for NOT wanting people to know?

 

The way to approach this is tell her truth that while you "understand" her motive, you would prefer that you not take a part in it and hope SHE understands. If the brother or anyone asks, then approach it with a response, "It's not my place to say. You'll have to ask her". By doing this, you have taken the burden off your shoulders AND revert that responsibility back on her where it belongs. Just because you may have been the one who screwed up (affairs, that is) that doesn't give her the right ask you to lie for her. Personally, this is down right childish! If she wants to play like an adult, she'll have to take responsibility for her own decisions and actions!!

 

Its like you are inside my head !

We spoke about this before we spoke to the kids and I let her know that while she says it was to protect the children, that I can longer do take it.

In future, if people ask, I will be directing them to her.

Whether family and friends or hell even complete strangers want to know, it will be to her direction.

She has stated that she has been pretty pissed off at the whole situation. That everyone has been 'Oh your poor partner' 'poor H' 'I feel so sorry for him' She hates that everyone pities me and there is no sympathy for her. I guess in this situation and the choices she has made, she is answerable to them. I've told her that if it was the other way around, that if I left for OW, it would be the reverse. She says I made the decision by doing nothing about the relationship, by not making the necessary life changes, or fighting for what I had.

She told me she will telling the children, and it hurts like hell.

I have to be tough if the kids need me when they hear it.

As for keeping it a secret, well, I think as much as she says for the children, it was for her own reasons of not wanting to know what she was doing.

In any case, kids, kids kids, need there dad to be as strong as an oak for them !

 

Oh one other thing she said, I told her about my brother and how he was a dick about things to me. She said she hates how choices she is making are still hurting me and causing me pain. I dont get that ... if its so clear ... you know what I mean ?

 

I know that was tough, but you said the right thing. How did she react?

 

I dont think she truly believed me. It was stated in regards to her and her happiness, not with this OG. If she is happy in herself and her path and so be it. I am content. She wished me the same, but dont think she quite got what I was telling her.

 

 

I think you got the wrong message about the kids and looking after them for 3 weeks. I wont be going back on that for sure ! I am looking forward to it sooooo much !

I was wondering if I should get a place before then, and look after them there rather than back at my old home. To even say that, cuts.

Should I take the time to look after them there and still save money so I can be independent come next year. Or make the choice and move in somewhere now.

I think if I took the next 6 weeks to save as much money as possible, I can get somewhere decent.and close to the kids.

 

So for now, live your life for you and your kids so that you won't look back with regrets. When and IF your wife should decide to give her heart to you, it may be too late for her. You've already sailed.....

 

This has put the biggest smile on my face for a long time. I look forward to when it happens. Not when as that implies that it may not. It is going to happen.

No regrets.

 

Thank you FlyingHigh

[LakesideDream]

Do3, I suppose you are doing most of the right things, and ... (big and) I am beginning to feel for you in your travail.

 

I was harder on you than I should of been early in your thread. You "coping mechanisms" were not very realistic or mature. Now it's becoming obvious to me that you are having some of the same experiances I did after the break up of a 25 year marriage. Thank goodness my kids were grown and raised when it happened.

 

Your wife seems to be playing the guilt card with you when it pleases her. It's very easy to fall for that stuff. I know I did, even AFTER my divorce was final. Many times I drove 20 miles to shovel snow, or pick her up when her car pranged. She even conned me into helping her with medical bills incurred after the divorce. She just had to call and I was there. Her BF only came into town to shack up on weekends at that point. Finally after getting yelled at for not coming fast enough, I said "that's it", don't call me for help anymore. When she did, I referred her to the new man in her life.

 

Often our ex, or soon to be ex SO's call on us to do what we do well without regard for our feelings. They enjoy the power they still have over us. Rather than "doing it on their own" as they profess.. they need help. Who is there to help you? They don't realize the pain they inflict when asking for help, and getting it. Or.. they don't care (my case).

 

Yours is a hard road, especially with three youngsters involved. You will have to aquire a tough outer skin to deal with all this stuff, something you don't have even the beginnings of now. You will also need to think with your head instead of your heart.

 

When I told a dear older friend and mentor of mine that my then wife had asked for "space" and "time to find out if she could do it on her own",... he told me something that hurt at the time. He said: Is she sleeping with someone else yet? If she is... it's already over, and nothing you do will change anything". This was a couple of days after here proclaimation. I unknowingly replied "I don't think so". That wasn't true, I though she was seeing someone, but couldn't face or admit it. At least in my instance, my friend was right on. I didn't find out she had a very long term boyfriend for a couple of weeks.

 

Beware, the emotional vampire. Often nothing you can do is enough. Keep your distance if you can. Remember "NO" is a word you can use too. I realize you are in a real mess... know that there may be nothing you can do about it. It will hurt until enough time has passed that you don't feel it anymore.

 

Remember .. "NO" is a word you can and should know how and when to use. Don't be afraid of saying "NO" when it's appropriate.

 

Good Luck,

[Lor]

Lor,

 

Affairs will either break a marriage OR make it stronger. No offense, but it's easy to tell someone to let go when you've been there and found happiness on the other side. As a betrayed spouse, I'd be siding with you. But people make mistakes.

 

Yes, Dof3 has a lot to learn. He's admitted it. Sometimes, it takes longer for people to realize their mistakes while others are jolted on their first goof. Nevertheless, you learn from it.

 

While it is up to his wife to decide whether to stay or not, Dadof3 remains hopeful that he can change the course of his relationship with his wife by changing and improving himself. You can't knock him for trying. And it's that glimmer of "hope" that triggers the human spirit to keep "trying".

 

If his attempts to win back his wife's heart doesn't work, he can at least know in his heart that he gave it his all. This alone serves a lesson and will allow him to look at his next relationship with better perspectives. It may even help him and his wife develop a "friendship" especially for the kids, which most often lacks in marriages from the get go.

 

I agree with you with respect to him walking the talk. He needs to follow through with what he says.

 

Unless I missed it on one of his posts where his wife told him to go "pound salt", then, the message is clear for him to "move on". Meanwhile, he needs to get to the point where he feels he has given it his all without regrets before giving up. He's not quite there yet.

 

I'm not knocking him for trying, what I'm saying is that, while I understand he realizes his mistakes and is trying to rectify them, maybe she honestly and sincerely does not want to get back with him. Have you guys thought of that? So he gave her a hug.....so he turned it into a kiss.....and she kissed him back......then called to say please don't do that again. I know what she's like, and I know why she did it. its her pleasing others....hard to tell someone no even though you want to. She was not comfortable with the hug but thought what could it hurt. Then she didn't really want the kiss but it was already there. After she left, she was mad at herself for allowing it, and mad at Do3 for initiating it. She called to say please don't do it again.....NO means NO. Don't do that to her again.

 

You wanna try, try.....no one here can stop you. but if she says she doesn't want to go down that road again, then respect her enough to leave her alone. Do you honestly think that some pretty words and flowery sentiments are gonna erase 2 episodes of betrayal? I would think it would take a lot longer than 6 months to erase that kind of betrayal. You've wounded her deeply.

 

You are a good guy...I think. Don't get me wrong but in a way I get the feeling that you talk a good game but aren't honestly sincere, that you're trying to sell us on all the great wonderful things you're doing and the strides you're making. You want what you want and aren't happy unless you get your way, and are now trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do, trying to rekindly something she would rather let go of.

 

maybe it won't work out with the other guy but that is not your call and its up to her. And you have no say in the matter and need to stay out of it completely, whether you think they are jumping in too fast or not.

 

don't mean to jump on you, and don't mean to be mean about any of this. I'm not gonna post on your thread anymore cuz, sorry, I don't believe you. Just a feeling I get.

[Dad_of_3]

Do3, I suppose you are doing most of the right things, and ... (big and) I am beginning to feel for you in your travail.

 

I was harder on you than I should of been early in your thread. You "coping mechanisms" were not very realistic or mature. Now it's becoming obvious to me that you are having some of the same experiances I did after the break up of a 25 year marriage. Thank goodness my kids were grown and raised when it happened.

 

Your wife seems to be playing the guilt card with you when it pleases her. It's very easy to fall for that stuff. I know I did, even AFTER my divorce was final. Many times I drove 20 miles to shovel snow, or pick her up when her car pranged. She even conned me into helping her with medical bills incurred after the divorce. She just had to call and I was there. Her BF only came into town to shack up on weekends at that point. Finally after getting yelled at for not coming fast enough, I said "that's it", don't call me for help anymore. When she did, I referred her to the new man in her life.

 

Often our ex, or soon to be ex SO's call on us to do what we do well without regard for our feelings. They enjoy the power they still have over us. Rather than "doing it on their own" as they profess.. they need help. Who is there to help you? They don't realize the pain they inflict when asking for help, and getting it. Or.. they don't care (my case).

 

Yours is a hard road, especially with three youngsters involved. You will have to aquire a tough outer skin to deal with all this stuff, something you don't have even the beginnings of now. You will also need to think with your head instead of your heart.

 

When I told a dear older friend and mentor of mine that my then wife had asked for "space" and "time to find out if she could do it on her own",... he told me something that hurt at the time. He said: Is she sleeping with someone else yet? If she is... it's already over, and nothing you do will change anything". This was a couple of days after here proclaimation. I unknowingly replied "I don't think so". That wasn't true, I though she was seeing someone, but couldn't face or admit it. At least in my instance, my friend was right on. I didn't find out she had a very long term boyfriend for a couple of weeks.

 

Beware, the emotional vampire. Often nothing you can do is enough. Keep your distance if you can. Remember "NO" is a word you can use too. I realize you are in a real mess... know that there may be nothing you can do about it. It will hurt until enough time has passed that you don't feel it anymore.

 

Remember .. "NO" is a word you can and should know how and when to use. Don't be afraid of saying "NO" when it's appropriate.

 

Good Luck,

 

Thank you Lakeside.

 

I know the road ahead is going to be hard, bumpy, down right painful. Its not just me on this trip. I have 3 most special cargo going with me, I cant turn back. Not on them, I never will. They will always come first.

 

As for the guilt thing, i dont know about it. whether its there or not, I cant or dont see it. You're right though, I am only going by whats in my heart. She has asked me to fix her PC, as it played up pretty bad. She has stated previously that she wants a relationship between us where she can ask for my help if needed in regards to her PC or what not. Part of me is definitely ... always. I think at this stage she knows she can always count on me to help otu where needed, and i dont mind that. I guess I am still trying to work out how to best interact with her, as a co-parent and maybe in the future a friend.

 

I hear you about the emotional vampire, it causes such havoc at times, at the most strange of times. I still am trying to best keep it under control, and that definitely includes keeping my distance. I'm trying to strictly stick to the kids issues as topic of conversations, and try not to get drawn into old relationship talk. If in the future we are both in a different place, maybe we can talk about it then. As it stands between us in the here and now. Its final and the grave has been dug.

 

I want to thank you for the right 'hard' push in the right direction . Everyone has made that clear on whats needed. Everyone has played a role in whats always been under fog in my mind.

 

I also want to thank you for pointing out the fact that I have gone back to 'mums' home. Even for my own pride and self-esteem, its a hard blow. The best thing that has come from that though is my desire and need to get on my own. It will be a real turning point in my life, acknowledging it and definietly doing it. I'm actually looking forward to it.

 

Cheers mate.

[Dad_of_3]

I'm not knocking him for trying, what I'm saying is that, while I understand he realizes his mistakes and is trying to rectify them, maybe she honestly and sincerely does not want to get back with him. Have you guys thought of that? So he gave her a hug.....so he turned it into a kiss.....and she kissed him back......then called to say please don't do that again. I know what she's like, and I know why she did it. its her pleasing others....hard to tell someone no even though you want to. She was not comfortable with the hug but thought what could it hurt. Then she didn't really want the kiss but it was already there. After she left, she was mad at herself for allowing it, and mad at Do3 for initiating it. She called to say please don't do it again.....NO means NO. Don't do that to her again.

 

You wanna try, try.....no one here can stop you. but if she says she doesn't want to go down that road again, then respect her enough to leave her alone. Do you honestly think that some pretty words and flowery sentiments are gonna erase 2 episodes of betrayal? I would think it would take a lot longer than 6 months to erase that kind of betrayal. You've wounded her deeply.

 

You are a good guy...I think. Don't get me wrong but in a way I get the feeling that you talk a good game but aren't honestly sincere, that you're trying to sell us on all the great wonderful things you're doing and the strides you're making. You want what you want and aren't happy unless you get your way, and are now trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do, trying to rekindly something she would rather let go of.

 

maybe it won't work out with the other guy but that is not your call and its up to her. And you have no say in the matter and need to stay out of it completely, whether you think they are jumping in too fast or not.

 

don't mean to jump on you, and don't mean to be mean about any of this. I'm not gonna post on your thread anymore cuz, sorry, I don't believe you. Just a feeling I get.

 

Lor, I pretty much know its final. I will agree that I have hung on to something that may or wasnt ever there when she made her decision. I have made a hell of alot of mistakes and choices, I cant take those back.

Yesterday, during sunday afternoon when we had our talk with the kids, she said some things that hurt and still do sting a little.

stbxw said to the kids "mummy and daddy can't be together" to which my daughter replied "For now" As that was what we told her when I moved out. stbxw replied back "No, we will be getting a divorce" Awkward silence, I say "doesnt mean mummy or daddy love you guys any less. We both will be here for you guys and always love you guys so much"

 

My daughter did say something to me that puzzled and surprised me. I dont know if i handled it the best.

she didnt want to say it in front of the family, so i took her aside to hear her. she said "I know why mummy is so angry. You did some things with another woman"

I was taken back, I was stunned, my 7 yr daughter ...

I said to her "Daddy made a mistake. A mistake he cant take back. Doesnt mean he doesnt love you guys very much." I kept the facts out of it.

Just reassurance, and it will have to be continued that way. I've lost 1 loved one by my actions, I dont want to loose 3 more.

I've never told her what happened, it is alarming to me how she knew.

She needs to see that her dad is fallible, but thats not all there is to him.

I hope and pray I can turn this around and have her see a man that respects and cares for the women in his life. To show her how she would want to be treated.

 

I know there are still issues in regards to how I see myself. Your aim was on the dot. My self-esteem, my self image.

I really dont like myself. Hell I tolerate myself at times.

coming to terms and grips with what has happened and making the change I want for myself, my future and my kids is something I will not run away.

 

You said it before, I dont need the approval of anyone, but myself. That I see nothing but truth in. I will continue to work on it.

 

As for stbxw, my thoughts are still with her, regardless of how I think or want. I accept that I cant change things. Its not in my scope, its not in my best interests.

The things I can control, my life, my living situation, my visitation with the kids, my time with them, my future, my self improvement, learning the life lessons as everyone has stated. I want to focus and look forward to these things.

 

I'm really excited at the prospect of moving out on my own. To be independent of anyone, that all fault and successes will lie with me. Its something I am striving for, I've been overly dependent on the people in my life to provide me with the life answers. I look forward to making the right ones and minimise the wrong ones. I can only be who i am when i am true to myself.

 

I'm sure I will still think and be emotional about the whole situation for a long time yet. Like I said a small part or hell even a big part of me is still in love with her.

In the meantime I will choose to keep my emotion and thoughts about our old relationship under wraps as best as possible. For both our sakes. I do think in time, things will get better.

 

I do hope you continue to post Lor, as much as everyone has.

You've provided a lot of input in bringing things back to me, why I did things the way i did, living with my choices, and providing focus on looking ahead.

[ilmw]

Lor, I pretty much know its final. I will agree that I have hung on to something that may or wasnt ever there when she made her decision. I have made a hell of alot of mistakes and choices, I cant take those back.

Yesterday, during sunday afternoon when we had our talk with the kids, she said some things that hurt and still do sting a little.

stbxw said to the kids "mummy and daddy can't be together" to which my daughter replied "For now" As that was what we told her when I moved out. stbxw replied back "No, we will be getting a divorce" Awkward silence, I say "doesnt mean mummy or daddy love you guys any less. We both will be here for you guys and always love you guys so much"

 

My daughter did say something to me that puzzled and surprised me. I dont know if i handled it the best.

she didnt want to say it in front of the family, so i took her aside to hear her. she said "I know why mummy is so angry. You did some things with another woman"

I was taken back, I was stunned, my 7 yr daughter ...

I said to her "Daddy made a mistake. A mistake he cant take back. Doesnt mean he doesnt love you guys very much." I kept the facts out of it.

Just reassurance, and it will have to be continued that way. I've lost 1 loved one by my actions, I dont want to loose 3 more.

I've never told her what happened, it is alarming to me how she knew.

She needs to see that her dad is fallible, but thats not all there is to him.

I hope and pray I can turn this around and have her see a man that respects and cares for the women in his life. To show her how she would want to be treated.

 

I know there are still issues in regards to how I see myself. Your aim was on the dot. My self-esteem, my self image.

I really dont like myself. Hell I tolerate myself at times.

coming to terms and grips with what has happened and making the change I want for myself, my future and my kids is something I will not run away.

 

You said it before, I dont need the approval of anyone, but myself. That I see nothing but truth in. I will continue to work on it.

 

As for stbxw, my thoughts are still with her, regardless of how I think or want. I accept that I cant change things. Its not in my scope, its not in my best interests.

The things I can control, my life, my living situation, my visitation with the kids, my time with them, my future, my self improvement, learning the life lessons as everyone has stated. I want to focus and look forward to these things.

 

I'm really excited at the prospect of moving out on my own. To be independent of anyone, that all fault and successes will lie with me. Its something I am striving for, I've been overly dependent on the people in my life to provide me with the life answers. I look forward to making the right ones and minimise the wrong ones. I can only be who i am when i am true to myself.

 

I'm sure I will still think and be emotional about the whole situation for a long time yet. Like I said a small part or hell even a big part of me is still in love with her.

In the meantime I will choose to keep my emotion and thoughts about our old relationship under wraps as best as possible. For both our sakes. I do think in time, things will get better.

 

I do hope you continue to post Lor, as much as everyone has.

You've provided a lot of input in bringing things back to me, why I did things the way i did, living with my choices, and providing focus on looking ahead.

 

That post was very humble... that is a good start...

 

Recognising mistakes... and proactivly seeking knowledge to correct the reasons one makes the mistakes is another good step...

 

Making the changes.. is another big step....

 

You can't change the past... only the future... cause it hasn't happened yet.. right?

 

Finding a person inside yourself you can like.. love.. is in my opinion is the most important step you can take...

 

Call it a foundation for all the changes you want to make... If you can't do this.... change will be hard to come by...

 

Atleast you are recognising that you made some (BAD) choices.. Some people can't.. or wont even do that...

 

So... find they person you want to be... and become that person... get your sh&t together...

 

If you are making the changes... other things will change in your life too...

 

Only good can come from positive change..

 

ilmw

[Sup]

Sounds like your ex-wife told her about what happened, I dunno.

[FlyingHigh]

I'm not knocking him for trying, what I'm saying is that, while I understand he realizes his mistakes and is trying to rectify them, maybe she honestly and sincerely does not want to get back with him. Have you guys thought of that? So he gave her a hug.....so he turned it into a kiss.....and she kissed him back......then called to say please don't do that again. I know what she's like, and I know why she did it. its her pleasing others....hard to tell someone no even though you want to. She was not comfortable with the hug but thought what could it hurt. Then she didn't really want the kiss but it was already there. After she left, she was mad at herself for allowing it, and mad at Do3 for initiating it. She called to say please don't do it again.....NO means NO. Don't do that to her again.

 

You wanna try, try.....no one here can stop you. but if she says she doesn't want to go down that road again, then respect her enough to leave her alone. Do you honestly think that some pretty words and flowery sentiments are gonna erase 2 episodes of betrayal? I would think it would take a lot longer than 6 months to erase that kind of betrayal. You've wounded her deeply.

 

You are a good guy...I think. Don't get me wrong but in a way I get the feeling that you talk a good game but aren't honestly sincere, that you're trying to sell us on all the great wonderful things you're doing and the strides you're making. You want what you want and aren't happy unless you get your way, and are now trying to force her to do something she doesn't want to do, trying to rekindly something she would rather let go of.

 

maybe it won't work out with the other guy but that is not your call and its up to her. And you have no say in the matter and need to stay out of it completely, whether you think they are jumping in too fast or not.

 

don't mean to jump on you, and don't mean to be mean about any of this. I'm not gonna post on your thread anymore cuz, sorry, I don't believe you. Just a feeling I get.

Lor,

 

I'm a little surprised by your defensive position especially having read your post and your experience with your X.

 

Like everyone who have gone through similar road, Dof3 had to go through it AT his own pace. Only he can determine WHEN it's time. He knew it in heart it was over even though he remained "hopeful". But like everyone, while we're hopeful, certain events or incidents must happen in order to provide that "closure" to help them accept its finality and move on. You found yours. I found mine. Believe me, it took awhile, but I found the closure I needed. Dof3 is no exception.

 

It's easy for us to sit, read, make judgement and even become frustrated at people's posts because we've been through similar experience and can't imagine how and why they do what they do when it seems so obvious what the answer is and what they need to do. It's easy because we're emotionally detached from their situation.

 

Every one is diffierent. Even if the outcome is obvious, each individual will approach the situation differently. Kinda like a marathon. Eventually, almost everyone will get to the finish line at their own pace. Me? Run in a marathon? Heck no!!!

 

The events within the last few days that included our honest inputs and feedbacks helped him come to realize the end of his marriage. Sounds like he finally found his closure so that he can finally move on.

 

I hope you continue to read his post.

 

By the way, I learned how to replace the spool to my electric weed trimmer! And I didn't even call my X for help!!! It took me 3 flippin hours!!! Checked the website, BobVilla and even my next door neighbor and they couldn't figure it out!! Nada!! None were helpful! I thought about you and almost got online to SOS you! LOL!

[FlyingHigh]

Dof3,

 

Seems like you have finally found your closure.

 

My daughter did say something to me that puzzled and surprised me. I dont know if i handled it the best.

she didnt want to say it in front of the family, so i took her aside to hear her. she said "I know why mummy is so angry. You did some things with another woman"

I was taken back, I was stunned, my 7 yr daughter ...

I said to her "Daddy made a mistake. A mistake he cant take back. Doesnt mean he doesnt love you guys very much." I kept the facts out of it

Accept that this is part of the consequences you are having to deal/learn. Although you can't and shouldn't shield kids from the truth, don't know if 7 years old is an "appropriate" age for your wife to have given too much details.

 

It's now also a double whammie for them because Mommy found a new boyfriend before the divorce is final. I don't know, but personally, while it's a personal decision when to start dating, kids should be left out of the loop with regards to meeting their parents new SO especially in the midst of an impending divorce. It won't take long for divorce to become final. But it will affect kids long-term. They need time to ADJUST through each stage of a divorce.

 

Found this on Dr. Phil's website. Share it with your stbx. Hopefully, you two can set aside your personal emotions differences for your kids' sakes.

 

http://drphil.com/articles/article/157

 

Need to let kids be kids

Children should not be given the job of healing your pain. Too often, children serve either as armor or as saviors for their parents in crisis. They don't need to be dealing with adult issues, and should not know too much about what's going on between you and your ex-spouse.

 

There are two primary rules to follow, especially during times of crisis and instability in your family.

 

1. Do not burden your children with situations they cannot control. Children should not bear such a responsibility. It will promote feelings of helplessness and insecurity, causing them to question their own strengths and abilities.

 

2. Do not ask your children to deal with adult issues. Children are not equipped to understand adult problems. Their focus should be on navigating the various child development stages they go through.

 

Expect and prepare that your kids may need some counseling as you go through divorce. Talk to their mother about it.

 

As far as your stbx needing your technical/mechanical help, I agree with Lakeside, learn to say "no." She'll have to start learning how to do things on her own. Call it tough love.......for you, that is...

 

About moving, yeah, I totally goofed/misunderstood your intent. Sorry mate. MOVE with the kids best interest. Focus on maintaining stability as much as possible especially right now. If it will require some financial sacrifice, you'll figure it out. You can do it. Follow your fatherly instincts.

 

Yes, it's a long road ahead. But, you'll be a better person and father because of it.

[Lor]

Okay, I said I wasn't gonna post but I will.....

 

This is what bothers me; he sounded okay with the separation and all when he first started posting here, then all of sudden he finds out about the BF and he wants her back, he loves her with all his heart. Not that I'm trying to say its too late, or that he can't improve upon himself but I get the impression that he wants what he can't have. And that he doesn't take no for an answer very well. Such as the incident with the phones, and the hug/kiss goodbye.

 

Its playing with her emotions, its like a form of guilty blackmail. See, I'm a nice guy, yeah I screwed up but I'm changing, see? And in its own way its a lack of remorse or respect for what he put her thru to keep trying to integrate himself back into the picture after she's worked on healing and has managed to move on. Not many of us can imagine what she's gone thru. She stuck with him thru the first incident of wandering, only to have him do it again. And yet she sounds like she's still kept her head up, her back straight, and has managed to pick up the pieces of her life that he shattered. To me she's either made of steel and ice or a very strong woman.

 

Do I think it was wrong of him to cheat? Yes. Do I think he's sorry for it and started to work on what brings out those urges? Yes. but I think he's doing it now to try and win her back, not so much to try and fix himself for the future, to fix the weaknesses in himself. maybe I'm way off base here but.....call it women's intuition if you will.

 

I don't think you've found closure yet, I don't think you're ready to move on yet. You're still clinging to the hope that she'll come back around and want you back in her life. That she'll toss off the BF for you ~ but I have to ask what will actually be different if she does? Even at this stage, if she did come back you wouldn't be ready to start a new life yet. You don't even understand why you did the things that got you where you are.

 

As far as what your daughter said, before you start pointing fingers....little pitchers have big ears. Its very possible that she overheard it in a converstion she was not supposed to be privy to. Its good that you admitted to her that you made a mistake but now you do need to let it go at that.

 

I do use my own experiences in what I post to others; everyone does. I usually try to remain objective and to see all sides, and as I'm sure many will say, I play the nice cop to a lot of bad cops on here. Am I using my own experiences to taint my view on Do3? I don't think so, I'm only going on what he's writing and her responses to it. She clearly is not interested in getting back with him and he's trying to read a lot into her actions that aren't real. Cut off the help to her if you want, or remain friendly and continue to help when she asks. Its a lot easier in the future to be civil and helpful, you will be in her life for the rest of her life due to you having 3 kids together. She's asking for help with the PC, not to go to MC. She's talking to you about the kids, not asking how your day went.

 

Its not easy to be on here and post to others; closure is in the mind, and from there it becomes physical. Do I get frustrated that others can't see what they are doing? No, not really....they need to feel their way just like everyone else. Some can come to the realization quickly of how they need to handle things, how to keep their head on straight, keep their focus and their sanity. Others need to be guided by the hand for a while until they can walk the line themselves. Gunny, Becoming, MzP, LJ have all been there, have done the walk, have served their time and now are healers to those that come on here. Some of us, me, Dgiirl, Ilmw, CC ~ we're still learning and will probably never stop doing so. Just because we've gotten to this point and found a measure of closure doesn't mean we know it all or can tell it all. We can help guide but can't lead a horse to water.

 

IMO, Do3, if you ever want to get back with her, it will be a long way down the road, when she would be able to believe the changes in you. What have you done that she can believe in right now?

[Dad_of_3]

tough today ...

 

Met stbxw outside my office and handed over care for the kids for the night. Drove her down to the other car I was driving, which she commented that she appreciated.

Not focusing on her, had the 3 kids for another day and night.

Took them home and had a quiet one with them.

Was great, my younger sister was there that they absolutely adore. We had fun making dinner and then sitting down to eat it.

Put them to bed, made sure they where asleep before I went out for some fresh air and to clear my head.

I do take that sound advice to put a happy face on my face until it becomes real. I felt relieved, different looking after them on a Monday night here rather than back at old home.

I went back inside and was just practicising the guitar when I hear the kids singing along. I was playing Green Day "Wake me up when September ends", well the intro part anyway.

I went in and they has stirred and well where just amusing themselves. stern dad let them know they needed to go to sleep for school tomorrow, this wasnt like normal weekend. errr, not that I let them stay up too late.

Otherwise they dont get up when daddy wants to take them exercising. They are adjusting to it, I'm so surprised with that. Daddy is up at 6am, so are they, they may not enjoy the walk to breakfast, but when they get there ... they sure do enjoy there milkshakes.

Anyway off topic. I gave my 2 oldest a big cuddle and climbed in with them to rest up. didnt take long before they where sound asleep again.

I read up a bit and fell alseep with them.

 

We woke up on time, had a nice breaky, dressed up and left with plenty of time to spare for school.

We had a nice morning talk about how they handled the whole night and other things that came up out of interest.

My princess said to me, "Dad, I miss you so much. We dont get to see you enough"

My response, " I know darling. if it could be another way, I would do it. so when we are together, we make the most it ok? "

I dont know if I handled it the best but she has more than happy with the response I gave her. I'm also aware like ilmw stated earlier, I dont want to be the disneyland dad either. I want the time quality, not just quantity.

 

After I dropped the kids off at school, and walked them in. Not to be too vain, but god I felt like a million dollars. I noticed people looking at me. I'm thinner, in better shape then I have ever been ! Either that or the rumors have gone rife through the school. I choose the former !

I walked out the school with my youngest with my head help up high.

It felt good to be me. Hehe

Drove around to drop the youngest off at stbxw, before heading to work.

Knocked on door and, she looked like she had just woken up.

Taking your advice Flyinghigh, There I am in new clothes, looking like I just stepped out of Calvin Klein or Eddie Baurer. Best part of the clothes, they came really cheap, but damn they look nice.

I could tell she was looking me up and down. dont worry, I dont take anything from it. Just another female admiring my impeccable male form.

lol ... maybe not.

In any case, she did comment, that I was looking really great. NOT good, BUT great. I knew it anyway in myself. It did feel good for her to say it though.

Reflex, I commented on her as well. Now I dont care, if she has just woken up, had a rough night drinking, going through that time of month. She is always the most beautiful thing I can ever lay my eyes on. I've always told her this.

She commented " No I dont "

All I say is " You know how I think about that " and left it at that.

I had only found out yesterday that she had planned to go away this weekend. she was planning to take the 2 older kids with her and leave me the youngest. At first I was a bit taken back, but taking it in stride. I let her know it would be a great idea that she take the older 2 as they then would not have to worry about my youngest terrorising them or running amok. It would be the perfect time for me to spend some 1 on 1 time with my youngest. To really bond with him just him and myself.

today she lets me know that she cant take the 2 older kids as the place she is going with friends to is full now. So I say, rather than for her come out, cause to be honest, it seemed like she didnt want to ask.

" so you want me to take the other 2 as well? "

Yup she is still going and I am taking the kids. Is there a downside, sure, in that deep dark place in my mind. I think EVERYONE will know what i am getting at with this. But thing is I get all 3 for a full weekend ! From Friday afternoon till sunday night.

I did have plans for friday night, just a quiet night taking money from a few of my naive poker friends ... ROFL.

I've let them know the change in plans, they where fine with it and said i can pop over if anything changes.

Now all I can think about is what is it going to be this saturday.

 

I will admit, there in my deep dark place, some thoughts do come up and hell even scream at me. I've printing off that quote you told me Flyinghigh.

Its forever in my wallet and something I look at when it gets bad.

Only I can change whats in my realm, my scope.

 

When I left this time, there was no questions, no emotional connatation to it. I extended my hand to shake hers and walked out.

My usual comment I make " Take care of yourself and you know where I am "

It felt strange not saying it, was it a conscious thought, not really. It didnt hit me till i had driven off. Then I paniced and desperately wanted to call her or sms her that I forgot to say it.

I didnt though, if she doesnt know it by now, I guess she never will. I guess if it comes out at the time, its meant to come out. I dont need to think back to a point that I might regret not saying it. such a small thing but me in such a tizzy.

 

I get to work, and i'm still feeling like a million dollars.

A few people at work commented when i walked in how good I looked today.

I must be doing something right !

 

guitar tonight, looking forward to a new song and then time to do some budgeting and financing to see where I am at.

Goal is still to get out on my own. Still probably a bit over excited over it !

 

I'm sailing ....

[LakesideDream]

Dad of 3, Congratulations on your discovery.. not about yourself, appearance, guitar, excercise etc, ..... congratulations on learning to vent and share your thought on LS. The more I read your posts the more I have begun to understand that LS is a large part of your support system. The ability to type your thoughts into the "porn portal" and get back positive reinforcment is doing you a lot of good.

 

It's made me wonder how much LS would have helped me six years ago when my ex and I split... I'm sure it's still a help now.

 

Your outlook has changed, night and day. The me-me-me has been replace by much more upbeat words. For that you are to be commended.

[ilmw]

Dad of 3, Congratulations on your discovery.. not about yourself, appearance, guitar, excercise etc, ..... congratulations on learning to vent and share your thought on LS. The more I read your posts the more I have begun to understand that LS is a large part of your support system. The ability to type your thoughts into the "porn portal" and get back positive reinforcment is doing you a lot of good.

 

It's made me wonder how much LS would have helped me six years ago when my ex and I split... I'm sure it's still a help now.

 

Your outlook has changed, night and day. The me-me-me has been replace by much more upbeat words. For that you are to be commended.

 

LSD... you are so right....

 

Its amazing how we can read other peoples posts... and slowly take your eyes off me.. and start to look around...

 

I'm a text book case... "oh poor me".... coming in on LS.. I realy learned to look around... and start to see again.. there was a world outside the confines of my own misery.... and that world was a pretty nice place... It has helped me get back into having a good attitude...

 

You also can see this with many others who come on here.... the way attitudes change... how lost and hopeless people.... change... and start to show strength.... They gained knowledge... took advice.. grew a little..

 

Finding LS was one of the best things... I have ever done... Yeahhhh LS.....

 

Anyway ... good post...

[FlyingHigh]

Dadof3

 

What a difference a few days make! And what a set of new of inexpensive wardrobe can make a person feel renewed, looking like a million bucks that turn heads with the "I'm ready to tackle the world" attitude!!! Good for you!!! Eat your heart out Calvin Klein! With respect to your wife, would love to have been a fly on the wall when she looked at you up and down.

 

Yup she is still going and I am taking the kids. Is there a downside, sure, in that deep dark place in my mind. I think EVERYONE will know what i am getting at with this. But thing is I get all 3 for a full weekend ! From Friday afternoon till sunday night.

I did have plans for friday night, just a quiet night taking money from a few of my naive poker friends ... ROFL.

I've let them know the change in plans, they where fine with it and said i can pop over if anything changes.

Now all I can think about is what is it going to be this saturday.

Why fret over something that hasn't happened yet and especially something that you cannot control? Part of life is learning to improvise when we're confronted with the unexpected. Rather than think about that dreaded deep dark place, DECIDE to NOT allow yourself get in it in the first place. Go back to that qoute and change your approach.

 

Whenever you have these triggers, counter attack it with something that will give you a positive result. Call a friend whom you haven't heard for awhile and reconnect with them. Go out for coffee and watch people. Make an attempt to chit chat with a stranger.

 

In other words, take the focus away from you and the what ifs or unknown. When you take yourself out of that dark element which you fear and become a part of the living world/crowd, you will discover that your life is far better than you ever thought imagined. All you have to do while sipping you coffee, watching the world and take notice of a person who is disabled or homeless. This scene alone will make you much more appreciative of what you already have.

 

When you're with the kids, do something that will have long lasting impact in their lives. Is there an animal shelter near your home? Some shelters (like where I live) need volunteers to help walk the dogs waiting to be adopted. With your talent on the guitar, you could teach a blind child learn how to play. In other words, there are so much more that you can do than to be in that "dark place". Just do it. That's all it takes. Just do it! You will find yourself less and less in that deep dark place called "fear".

 

When I left this time, there was no questions, no emotional connatation to it. I extended my hand to shake hers and walked out.

My usual comment I make " Take care of yourself and you know where I am "

It felt strange not saying it, was it a conscious thought, not really. It didnt hit me till i had driven off. Then I paniced and desperately wanted to call her or sms her that I forgot to say it.

I didnt though, if she doesnt know it by now, I guess she never will. I guess if it comes out at the time, its meant to come out. I dont need to think back to a point that I might regret not saying it. such a small thing but me in such a tizzy.

Yes, you do fret or get into a tizzy over small things. It's better to not say anything that may be misconstrued by your wife because it's harder to take back what iz said. If appropriate and the opportunity arises, then say what you wanted to say. Unless you forgot or didn't thank her for something she did, then call her back. Otherwise, it will come across desperate and apologetic. This will only validate her previous assumptions of your which is that you have'nt quite moved on.

 

There's a book entitled, "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff", (can't remember author) consider the title as an advice. If you get a chance, get it.

 

I get to work, and i'm still feeling like a million dollars.

A few people at work commented when i walked in how good I looked today.

I must be doing something right !

YOU ARE! You decided to make a change. You started to reinvent yourself. You adjusted your sails.....finally....

[FlyingHigh]

LSD... you are so right....

 

Its amazing how we can read other peoples posts... and slowly take your eyes off me.. and start to look around...

 

I'm a text book case... "oh poor me".... coming in on LS.. I realy learned to look around... and start to see again.. there was a world outside the confines of my own misery.... and that world was a pretty nice place... It has helped me get back into having a good attitude...

 

You also can see this with many others who come on here.... the way attitudes change... how lost and hopeless people.... change... and start to show strength.... They gained knowledge... took advice.. grew a little..

 

Finding LS was one of the best things... I have ever done... Yeahhhh LS.....

 

Anyway ... good post...

 

YEP! LS is definitely cheaper than the several hundreds of dollars in marriage counseling.

 

People's life story is raw and microscopically analyzed by all of us! That's the fun part. Kinda like we're all surgeons and friends trying to figure out how to fix each other's problems.

[ilmw]

YEP! LS is definitely cheaper than the several hundreds of dollars in marriage counseling.

 

People's life story is raw and microscopically analyzed by all of us! That's the fun part. Kinda like we're all surgeons and friends trying to figure out how to fix each other's problems.

 

:lmao: :lmao: .... Very true....

 

I have never gotten so much support... guidance and insight in my entire life...... Yeaah..LS..

 

Plus you get to laugh your butt of once and a while too...

[Dad_of_3]

Thank you for posting again Lor.

I certainly understand your frustration in what you've read about what has been going on in respect to myself and my stbxw.

 

Okay, I said I wasn't gonna post but I will.....

 

This is what bothers me; he sounded okay with the separation and all when he first started posting here, then all of sudden he finds out about the BF and he wants her back, he loves her with all his heart. Not that I'm trying to say its too late, or that he can't improve upon himself but I get the impression that he wants what he can't have. And that he doesn't take no for an answer very well. Such as the incident with the phones, and the hug/kiss goodbye.

I dont know if there was some miss understanding when I posted about our seperation. We did seperate in Feb, while I was so self-absorbed within myself and well not owning up to what I done.

I woke up to myself and was proceeding to make things right in my own eyes, even before i was aware she was seeing or dating anyone.

I was over at my house, spending as much time as possible with the kids and stbxw. I was doing all the necessary things in my own eyes that I should have been doing all along. Keeping my word and following through with what I always said I would do. Cleaning up, helping her out in every way possible.

I guess at the time when I did find out, I scrambled, I paniced.

I will admit, no I wasnt happy that some other guy was invading i guess what was percieved at the time to be my space. Jumping into my role as partner, lover, friend.

I guess I was in the mode of this is my pride, I need to stamp my authority. I need to reclaim it. Me, me, me and me …

I see what every one has been trying to get through my blinkered view. Whether its too late or not, its not for me to determine. That moment is passed, I can continue to be an ass to myself which we have seen I certainly am capable of, or I can pick myself up, fix my sails and work with the wind (Thanks flyinghigh

As for taking no, I got to admit there that no is always a hard word for me to stomach and also a word hard for me to say. I’m still finding the right way to and when to use it.

Especially with respect to stbxw, I have told her that if she does want something or me to do something, that I do need to go and process it first. Its just my nature before to just go with my first impulse or what was immediately on my mind. That needs to change, to take time out and make the right decision, not the immediate pleasing one.

[Dad_of_3]

Its playing with her emotions, its like a form of guilty blackmail. See, I'm a nice guy, yeah I screwed up but I'm changing, see? And in its own way its a lack of remorse or respect for what he put her thru to keep trying to integrate himself back into the picture after she's worked on healing and has managed to move on. Not many of us can imagine what she's gone thru. She stuck with him thru the first incident of wandering, only to have him do it again. And yet she sounds like she's still kept her head up, her back straight, and has managed to pick up the pieces of her life that he shattered. To me she's either made of steel and ice or a very strong woman.

 

 

I feel like I am past trying to patch things up. Certainly in regards to integrating myself back into things, it’s not the best thing to do. Objectively, in no chance is this the right thing, regardless of what I want in my heart.

I’ve said enough, I’ve done enough.

Comes back to square one. I cant change whats not in my control, no matter how much I want it to. I get it, even if just a little of what you, flyinghigh, LakesideDream, everyone really, have all been trying to get into my thick skull.

 

I still have your questions still ringing in my ears, and its something I want to work out for myself. Why was my behaviour the way it was? What was driving it?

I hate admitting the fact that even I don’t know who I am at this stage.

I am relearning what makes me tick.

If even yesterday was a glimpse of what it is like, I welcome it with open arms.

I know it wont be all smooth sailing, I look forward to taking the good with the bad.

Its all part and parcel of this funny cycle of things called life.

Pain and suffering is not all there is in life, I felt a little of it yesterday.

As for how strong she is, you or I or anyone will never really know in regards to what happened and how she has coped.

I feel a little niggle that there is something I never got out as like I said my stbxw and myself have a lot of history. She cheated on me when we had our first child almost 11 years ago now. Why am I bringing this up? I guess part confession and part ownership of what happened after. I held onto this for soooooo many years. The pain and anguish I would put both of us through about this. Why would any sane person do this to themselves and especially there loved ones.

I wish I had dealt with that a long time ago.

This is in line with all the other questions raised about who I truly am. I don’t know but will one day, yesterday gave me the best feeling about myself I haven’t had in a long time.

[Dad_of_3]

As far as what your daughter said, before you start pointing fingers....little pitchers have big ears. Its very possible that she overheard it in a converstion she was not supposed to be privy to. Its good that you admitted to her that you made a mistake but now you do need to let it go at that.

 

It wasnt a matter of pointing fingers at anyone.

All I am concerned about it what my daughter is going toread into it.

Like I said, I dont want the defining moment to be how dad messed things up with another woman that came along, that dad was just having fun.

I more than anything, want her to know how woman are to be respected, cared for and cherished. That they just arent play things or anything like that. even that in itself is a driving force to respect the wishes and space the stbxw needs to heal and get over the relationship.

I want to be the example rather than the exception to my daughter.

That she can see for herself that she is more in her future, she will be respected, cared and loved for.

 

She's asking for help with the PC, not to go to MC. She's talking to you about the kids, not asking how your day went.

 

This is a tough one. In regards to helping with the PC, in the time right now, I have no problems with. In fact my reasonings are not that I am doing it for her but for the children. they love playing games on it, sending daddy special emails at work and at his home address. A email alone from my kids give me the biggest smile for days !

As for asking about how I am? She has always stated that she is still interested in me and whats happening with my life. how my day went, etc etc.

I just find it hard to stomach at times, she is really back and forth on this. I dont read too much into it, I cant control that.

I am stuck sometimes on what to do, she's still interested in my life, asking questions, where I am going, who I was with, yet ... do you guys know what I mean ?