No Explanation

[StrongWill]

I pretty much read the entire thread on "getting your ex back." I really liked the responses by thekhris and D-lish. They seem to have been through a lot and know how to put it down in words. Anyways, here's hoping there's more good advice to go around:

 

I was dumped by my girlfriend of 1 year. The relationship started off great for the first month, then she came out with all these very serious issues (ie-depression, no parents). I really liked her, thought she was a genuinely good person, and since I'm not one to abandon her based on her unfortunate life experiences, I stayed with her and helped her through her ups and downs and helped her figure out her emotions. In the process, I fell for her, flaws and all. Although the relationship remained rocky, it was slowly improving. I connected really well with her in terms of emotions which is why this is so hard. She was my girlfriend and best friend this past year and I lost both of those two weeks ago. She walked into my apartment, kissed me, we had sex, and in the middle, she got up and said, "it's not the same." Then she said, "I think this is over." And that was that. I was furious for a while wondering why the hell she had to do it while we were having sex. But the worst part about it is that she gave me no explanation. It ended in the blink of an eye, and I haven't called her since. She was crying when she broke up with me which makes it even harder. I want to call her, if anything, to see if she's ok. But I think, in the least, I deserve an explanation. So I also want to call for closure as well. I'm really stuck. I don't know what to do. It's taking so much energy to refrain from calling her. I love her and miss her despite what she did to me. I appreciate any advice you guys can give. Thanks.

[Road Rage]

The greatest probability is she is interested in another man or if she jumped the fence another woman. Don`t immediately discount the possibility. Man, them things can slip up on ya.

[Amour77]

Yep, another guy might be on the cards, if I believe my experience....

 

DO NOT CONTACT HER. Leave her be!

[StrongWill]

Mabye so. But it really is a load of c***. I think, in the very least, we all deserve an explanation. Anything like, "I want to date other people," "I can't be in a relationship right now," "I need space," etc. Not silence. It is such a cop out thing to do. Yeah, we all have to be strong and move on, and I can. But it makes it that much more difficult when it is abrupt and there is no explanation. It's like that person just died.

[alphamale]

I don't know what to do. .

make up your own "explanation" and then start dating other girls...

[Island Girl]

She walked into my apartment, kissed me, we had sex, and in the middle, she got up and said, "it's not the same." Then she said, "I think this is over." And that was that. I was furious for a while wondering why the hell she had to do it while we were having sex. But the worst part about it is that she gave me no explanation.

 

Heartless. Absolutely cold and heartless. She knew this would hurt you immensely and yet she did it anyway. Cruella the Harpy. B*atch to a "T".

 

She was crying when she broke up with me which makes it even harder. I want to call her, if anything, to see if she's ok.

 

How does she feel? How any heartless person feels after something like this -- "poor ME. I am in so much pain. Nobody understands how much I hurt." Screw your pain or what she did to you. Here you were, the guy she sucked in to support her anytime she needed you (I'm guessing you tried to be understanding of her mood swings, etc.). So you make her feel better and she gets to treat you like crap - she has done THE NUMBER on you too, so that you wonder how SHE is doing instead of having the reaction you should have which is f**k HER!!!

 

 

But I think, in the least, I deserve an explanation. So I also want to call for closure as well. I'm really stuck. I don't know what to do. It's taking so much energy to refrain from calling her. I love her and miss her despite what she did to me. I appreciate any advice you guys can give. Thanks.

 

Of course you want closure. You did so much for her and were considerate of whatever mental problems she had. Then she repays you by completely immasculating you, ripping your heart out, and throwing it down on the way out.

 

I did some pretty cruel things but I never hit a guy that low - immasculated him sexually. ANY girl knows this is a devastating blow.

 

I will tell you this. You won't get closure. There will be no reason, that when you hear it, that you say to yourself, "ah, I understand why now".

 

You'll get some excuse about how she is feeling or what she is thinking and it will not necessarily be the truth anyway.

 

She should have had enough compassion for you, caring for you, even on a very basic level of just common courtesy to not have done what she did. There is no excuse for it.

 

It's like you have been taking care of a plant -- you nurture it, water it, pay attention to it and give it what it needs. Sometimes it is just there, green, and sometimes it has bloomed in front of you and you think, "pretty! I did that and I love that!" But the plant doesn't love you back.

 

She is a messed up girl for sure. But that isn't a pass to be able to treat you that way and still have you be around waiting to see if she'll come back and do more of the same, is it?

 

Your closure is moving on and finding a girl without all of these issues who is as capable of loving and respecting you as you are.

[StrongWill]

And the truth comes out. I love this website. Thanks Island Girl. It means a lot that a woman made that post because I thought mabye it was different from a girl's perspective. I just thought to myself, "that is f***ed up." But you just proved how F***ed up that is. Thanks I appreciate the honesty. I don't know why I kept going along in the relationship or why I still want to talk to her if it's so f***ed up. She had some kind of power over me, more so than anyone else I have been in a relationship with. It wasn't physical attraction because that has never been enough to make me feel this way. I'm really trying to keep from rebounding right now (that would just be another f***ed up thing on my list), I bought myself a brand new guitar, I'm going to get my motorcycle license,... Hopefully this feeling will pass soon. Thanks all for your support.

[everlong]

hey, its not all bad news...at last your had breakup sex [half of it anyways]

[StrongWill]

I almost want to print this out and mail it to her (except that sex comment) because she obviously doesn't think it's ****ed up.

[Island Girl]

You kept going because she got in your head - there are certain buttons some girls can push that lead you to twist everything around in your head.

 

Like I said she has you so befuddled that you actually are thinking about how SHE is feeling. That means she is thinking how she is feeling and you are thinking about how she is feeling --- GAWD what about how you're feeling?

 

You are the one who got screwed over and thrown for a loop?!!

 

Stop wasting any effort feeling sorry for her or wondering what she is going through.

 

Do as you plan - play your new guitar (women LOOOVE musicians) get your motorcycle (girls love those too -- but eeeeek I am old enough that I have to add "be careful!") and have a lot of fun getting over the horrifying ride you have just exited -- by the way it's called a "mind F***".

[D-Lish]

SW:

 

Sometimes people have "issues" beyond the sphere of our personal experiences and understanding. If this girl is messed up emotionally- ie: depressed, perhaps unstable- then you did everything you could do by just being there for her when you were.

 

Of course we all deserve closure, but sometimes, if the person we love is unwilling to do that for us, we have to provide our own closure.

 

I have known people who can just simply walk away and never look back. It confuses us because we have fooled ourselves into believing they are capable of more compassion. We remember the intimate times, the good times, we remember the attachment that we felt for one another. However, sometimes the hard reality is that our exes were incapable of creating the same kind of intimacy that we are.

 

That happens alot. Expecially with people who experienced early/traumatic losses in the early stages of their own lives. If they didn't have healthy bonds with adults when they were children, they go through life unable to create anything but "surface" level bonds with their partners later on.

 

So should you take this personally? No- it has nothing to do with you.

Are you doing the right thing by ignoring her right now? Yes, most definetely. Her walking out without explanation was selfish drama mongering. She knew she was leaving you with unanswered questions and a whole heap of confusion and anger to deal with when she left.

 

The closeness you two shared probably freaked her out and she bolted as quick as her feet would take her. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is always poised to run? No matter how much you think you love her- don't go out with women who want you to be their saviour, Date the confident, sensitive ones. All girls will have flaws- and you can love those flaws in someone else too. But there is a difference between someone with flaws and a deep-seeded avoidance to intimacy. They are more than flaws. They are monumental holes in their character fibres that will leave a wake of destruction in the future with everybody they encounter.

 

Those people are toxic to sensitive people like us, and they bring us down with them...but only if we let them.

 

You say there was good and bad moments? Focus on the bad, think long and hard about the bad. During your struggle with NC you will find your way through this by focusing on how much hurt and confusion she left in her wake.

 

NC is key to you getting over this. Don't respond to her, make it a point to avoid the places you might run into her, Become absent and cold.

She may come bolting back if you do this- people with her issues often do once they realize they aren't loved anymore. She craves love- even though she rejects it once she has it. I know that sounds crazy- but be prepared for the reunion she'll orchestrate at some point.

 

You're doing well with NC, keep it up.

Keep posting and let us know if yu need any advice or just want to vent.

we like to listen!

Good luck,

D-Lish

[Confuggled_one]

D-Lish: great post.

 

and i agree with Dlish. do as she said and take what she says to heart

[suchislife]

You got some great advice. I know it's hard, but really, would you want to go through it AGAIN? Life's too short.

 

For what it's worth, it sounds to me like she has issues that have nothing to do with you, and as Alpha said, make your own closure. I completely agree with it being all about her thinking about herself. People do this when they don't/can't trust, are immature, low self worth, etc. She was definitely not thinking about your feelings. wow.

 

I am starting week 3 of NC with someone that I really cared about. I haven't heard from him, but I did provide my own closure. I still care but I'm moving on. There are a lot of people I haven't met yet, that might be a better fit.

 

If things change, they do. If they don't, they don't. At least I can say I'm willing to try. In the meantime, it's all about me. I am making more friends and working on my life.

 

It helps that I can write here if I'm feeling low.

 

take care.

[KNE10]

Strongwill, stay strong and don't contact her even if you think you are ready to talk to her. My girl had similar issues and did almost the same thing with the sex although she waited until the end to tell me. Don't expect her to remember the good times. Girls like that block the good memories so that they minimise their guilt. You will never get an explanation that will satisfy you or even the truth. Trying to get it will only open more wounds. I am talking from experience!

 

She might even come back if you do complete no contact as the other friends suggest in this thread. If you call her to get closure you will be tempted to call her again after that. Make a clean break and try not to look back! I know it is tough. I hope you will be strong. You will only get through this if you help yourself and REALLY believe it is over. I didn't do that and the "hope" messed me up. It made me "blind" and although i was doing no contact and feeling fine, there were times i was getting obsessed on when the next communication was going to be. Don't do that.

[Amour77]

Do not let her bring you down with her non-sense....

[StrongWill]

Thank you all so much for your support. I'll keep you updated if anything happens. Good luck to all of you.

[StrongWill]

Out of the blue, my ex called after one month on NC. She called me four times and left a message of apology. I didn't pick up. I think I'm just not going to call her back. I think I need to just leave her alone for mine and her own good. What do you guys think?

[D-Lish]

If you don't want them back- that's the best advice ayone could give you.

 

Just move on and let them do the same through no contact.

 

My ex returns none of my attempts at reaching out- and that's the answer I need to freely move on...and to do so without guilt or regret.

 

Good luck with this- I know it's hard not to maintain contact.

Especially when they open the door to do so.

:-)

Dee

[Guest]

"sometimes the hard reality is that our exes were incapable of creating the same kind of intimacy that we are. That happens alot. Expecially with people who experienced early/traumatic losses in the early stages of their own lives. If they didn't have healthy bonds with adults when they were children, they go through life unable to create anything but "surface" level bonds with their partners later on. Do not let her bring you down."

 

I liked this part of the post. Its totally true. Everyone has some sort of early children scar that does something to them. Jebeus don't get me going on he father / son love /hate deal. lol. as for letting someone bring u down - the only person that can do that is yourself. That's a lesson I learnt at school this past year. I used to take the words and behaviours of others personally - like arrows to my heart. well, no more. much stronger - now. i know how to survive that stuff and still make someone who has a cold chicken noodle soup.

 

speaking of no soup for me, i must shower and get ready fer workies! morning all.

[Island Girl]

Ah ha!

 

So she thought you were so stuck that you would still talk to her after pulling that crap. If she got you on hte phone it would immediately turn into how bad she feels, etc. To tug at you even more so you end up comforting her for doing something so completely f***'d up.

 

NC will allow you to heal and get over all of this so you CAN meet the woman who is better for you, more healthy in relationships, etc.

 

You are doing just fine.

[StrongWill]

I think I will be ok, largely due to all your help. I was so confused about why she left the way she did. It was the abruptness that really got to me. It left me anticipating her phone call for weeks. I still haven't gone one day without thinking of her. Your right Dee, it is tough. Everytime I see a cool movie or something funny happens she's the first one that pops into my head. The only thing holding me back is that I know myself too well. And if I agreed to meet with her, I'm pretty sure I would take her back in a heartbeat. And all this would probably start all over again, only it would be even harder to let go. I miss her so much but I'm making it a point not to speak to her until I'm at least 90% over her. I hope all of you feel better soon.

I think more often than not, we meet the right people, but at the wrong time in their, or our own lives. And if it's meant to be, mabye they'll come back. But I'm not waiting on anyone.

[StrongWill]

double posted...

[D-Lish]

Good for you. Living up to your name "Strong Will".

 

It does get better. Especially when you have made the decision in your own head to move forward. There's no sense in getting stuck in the cycle of hope. It does not do you any good.

 

Been there done that myself! And nothing gets resolved until you make up your mind that it's over. No time for games or regression-- you have to respect yourself.

 

Sounds like you do. It's much easier to sit at our computers and hand out logical advice than it is to follow it ourselves. We can pinpoint the faults and mistakes of others but can't always see our own situations as clearly as we see others.

 

Good for you- looks like your taking a stand.

 

Dee