WhiteRabbit Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Hi all, My husband and I have been seperated for about a year now, though we're still living together for now. We have a duplex, but it's in need of a lot of repairs before we can sell it. Not sure where to begin. I really feel like a lost soul. I'm the one seeking the divorce. I've been married nearly 22 years. This marriage should have ended 15 or more years ago, but I kept hanging on, hoping things would change, doing everything I could to make my marriage work. My husband never changed. He cheated on me the first 10 years of our marriage. I should have left him the first time he did it, but I was terrified of having to take care of myself, and I had 2 young children at the time. I also loved him very much and wanted him to love me too. He eventually stopped cheating, but nothing else really changed. He still lies to me constantly and sneaks around behind my back. He is very selfish and self absorbed. He lives in his own world and just does whatever pleases him, regardless of who he hurts. I guess I've been somewhat numb, trying not to think too much about it, as it scares me to death! I have never lived on my own, and never had to support myself. I have no real job or survival skills, so don't really have too many options for making a decent living. Also, I totally isolated myself in this marriage, so I don't really have any close friends, just a handful of aquaintences and a few friends I email periodically. It really sunk in yesterday just how utterly alone and on my own I really am. I cried myself to sleep last night. The utter lonliness and fear just felt so agonizing. I can't do this alone! I really need support, but not sure what to do. I'm hoping to find a local support group, but haven't found one yet. I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I had 1 or 2 close friends, but I don't. Anyway, anyone have any tips on how to survive this and move on? I'm so lost it's not even funny. I feel like I sold my soul to my husband, and now I don't even know who I am or what I want out of life. I'm 43 years old, and have to start from scratch. I really don't know what to do at this point. I don't even have a job right now, and with no real skills, I can't find a job that pays enough to support me. The utter lonliness hurts so bad. What do I do? Where do I begin?
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 No real skills? Do you know how to cook, how to clean, how to do laundry, how to take care of children? Being a mother is one of the hardest jobs out there. Funny you mention this cuz when I wasn't working and went to the unemployment office they told me that if I didn't put my college education I would have a better chance of getting a job. Walmart wasn't gonna hire me....and no offense intended whatsoever (a job is a job) but Walmart would hire you. It may be minimum wage but its a start and its work experience. Go to your local unemployment office and see what they have to say. don't get so down on yourself or be so pessimistic....this is the start of a new life for yourself, one that you can create to be what you want it to be. 43 isn't that old--I'm 35 and have 3 kids (4 if you include the stray that showed up on my doorstep ) and had to walk away with virtually nothing myself--twice. start looking at the positives instead of the negatives--you're getting out of an unhappy marriage--FINALLY! welcome to the world! Open the door and come on in.....
dgiirl Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Let me reassure you that the fear of being alone is not nearly as bad as you think it was. I was petrified of living on my own. I never paid a bill in my life. I did not know how to cook. I moved 600km away from my closest family and friends, and isolated myself too. My life revolved around my exh and then he just left. I was devesated. Thankfully, I did not have any kids, and I did have a job, but I was still petrified and lonely. Then an amazing thing happened. I learned all of these things. And even tho I thought I had isolated myself, I really didnt. I remember one night, it was a snowy winter night, and I was at the shopping mall. After shopping and returning to my car, I opened the door and sat in the car. I then looked in my rear view mirror and noticed there was snow all over the back window. I asked myself "Should i get out and clean it, or sit here and let it melt?" Then all of a sudden, the snow starts getting removed off the car. I look out my window and I see this older lady cleaning the back of my car. I rolled down the window to thank her and she replied "I was a little nervous and wanted to look out for you". Anyways, she tells me that she was a reverend and visiting my city for a local woman's convention. That single act of kindness flabergasted me. Here I thought I was utterly alone, having my husband tell me that all I do is take and take from the world, and if I dont change my ways the universe will get back to me, this lady out of nowhere shows me a single act of kindness. From that night on, I knew I was never really alone. That there were nice people all around that wanted to do nice things for people. There are kind hearts everywhere. After that, I started to see more acts of kindness. My coworkers found out about my situation and told me that any time I wanted to hang out, give them a call. My initial thought was they were being polite and really didnt mean it, but then I decided to take them up on their offer. They opened up their lives and welcomed me in. I allowed my coworkers to become a really close support system for me. All these people helped me so much. When I needed help the most, they were like a gift from God. Dont ever feel you are completely alone. Just the smallest act of kindness had a tremendous affect on me. And people want to do good deeds. It makes them feel good in return. So do not be too shy or too proud to ask for some help. And give in return. I'm on this forum because I want to give back what I received. Some people might not like my advice, but my heart is always in the right place. Right now, you need to create a plan of action. Lor gave you execellent advice on job experience. There's a lot of tools out there for you to find a job, and get an education. Start with your local government programs.
ilmw Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 That was a realy great post Dgiirl... it realy made me think. You know you are so right.... I take notice of others kindness... before I would probably never realy take notice.... In my own daze.. After the emotional wake up with all that is going on... I think allot of us... who want to improve ourselves... come to see that kindness to others.. is realy helping ourselves... I always NOW... hold open doors for complete strangers.. Men/Women.. doesn't matter... do it with a smile... You know what.. the smile and thankyou back is all I want:) 99.9% of the time I get it.. for the 1% who dont recipricate... I slam the door in their face....(JUST KIDDING)!! :laugh: I just shrug.. and carry on my merry little way. ilmw
Gunny376 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Coming out of a twenty year carree in the Marine Corps, having been to all kinds of militay schooling, and having gone to college for four years, (business admin ~ finance) actually worked against my finding a job for hundreds of miles around. I know of plenty of college graduates who are working jobs they could have gotten without a college degree ~ and are grateful to have them. Indeed 80% of the jobs out here don't require a college degree, but they do require additional training and education beyond the High School level. My older sister has worked at McDonald's for forty years, starting out behind the counter with "Hi! Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?" And, she's done pretty good for herself, she's bought a house, drive a nice new car, vacationed in Mexico and on cruise ships. Of course she's a district manager now, but she started out flipping hamburgers. There's a guy up in Chicago, who just became the youngest McDonald's franchise owner, (in his twenties). He had some help because he was a minorty. But, Hey? If you got it and it works for you go with it. "Whatever the mind of "man" can coceive of, the mind of "man" can acheive!" 90% of success is persperation ~ and 10% inspiration, It really all comes down to how much you believe in yourself. If you think you can ~ you can. If you've think you can't ~ you can't. Either way you're absolutly correct.
WhiteRabbit Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks for the input and encouragement! Yes, it's true that there are actually many kind souls out there. I've had the priveledge of encountering many in my life, and am actually a very kind, helpful person myself. I believe in the Golden Rule... treating others the way I want to be treated. I'm in the process of looking for a job now, so hopefully something will come through soon. I found a local support group, and they meet every Monday night, so I'm going to the meeting tonight. I think it will be good to get out and meet some new people... people who are going through the same experience as I am. I guess the fear and lonliness is something I'm just going to have to work through, like everyone else does who are going through this. I know things will start to look brighter eventually. Guess I just need to take it one day at a time, on stepo at a time. Thanks again for the insight and encouragement!
FlyingHigh Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 One of the most valuable tool we humans have is our innately inherent instint to survive. Often times we find our greatest stregth when dealt with the most desperate situation or biggest blow in our lives. One of my GF's SIL was faced with the same predicament as you are. With kids to feed, no job prospects or education skills, her first H left her. But she was an excellent mother. She started babysitting neighborhood kids and before you know she a daycare out of her own home. If this is something you can and want to do, you have several advantages. 1) You already own the home you live. 2) You're entitled to lifetime alimony (until you remarry) since you've been married over 10 years. 3) Research on day care and see what you need to do to get certfied. 4) If you want a divorce, and have a fresh start, contact your local Legal Aid office. 5) You and your H can sell the property and split the proceeds. If you live in a "fault" state, you'll come on top if you can prove his affair especially since you quit your job to be a full time mom which the court will see as having aided your H's career. Otherwise everything is 50-50. 6) If you consider D, start getting your finances together. Start making copies of EVERYTHING from your last 2 years tax returns, bank statements, retirement account, your H's W-2, especially his current paystub which will show any direct deposits and bonuses you are not aware of. You'll be fine. And don't ever feel that you are alone. Consider this phase in your life as a "makeover". We all have to go through it. It just so happen that it's now your turn.
kjl933 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 WR---it will work out. Use LS here for support, go to your group, become active. Do not be sedentary. Volunteer. Something. I am male, but when I divorced I looked at it as a new opportunity. The old door was closing and a new one was opening--I just needed to step through the threshold. Do you have a college education? A woman I dated was a stay at home mom for 15 years. SHe had a degree in accounting and was a CPA. SHe was terrified about going back into the workforce after living the life of luxury (and she really was) for 15 years. Well, within three weeks, she landed a job at a start up company as their controller at 80K a year! Things will turn around for you. Rely on your friends, don't be afraid to ask for help--even if it is virtual. You are a star and will rise!
anna13 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 when I feel like I can't do something I used to watch the movie Erin Brochavich ( spelling?) because the character ( who is based on a true person by the same name) inspires me . a lady who was so alone , with kids, with heavy debt , and her luck was going badly and she looked into herself and found a way to continue and move forward. not to say that a movie will solve your problems but it did help me alot to appreciate what i have. also , writing down problems and solutions on paper helps alot too . i know it sounds too simple but it's true. alot of the problems we as women have is that the emotions take over our nature of being rational. writing can help in many situtaions. from work to personal problems. write a problem on the top of the page. exp : Work options... then write down what hours you are available to work , childcare options , employment options . and then you will see clearly what you need to find and how to get there. when things are on paper, you can see them clearly , better than a million ideas rolloing around in our heads cluttered with emotion. that should help. In fact Keep coming here for support , I too dont have too many close friends but I have found that this place has giving me different perspectives , solutions, and support.
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I too dont have too many close friends hey, I resent that! I've got more close friends on LS than I do in my "real" life.
anna13 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 hey, I resent that! I've got more close friends on LS than I do in my "real" life. LOL.. Lor , I have to say that I have gotten alot of support form LS , even more then I could have gotten from friends because everyone here on this message board is going through or has gone through what I am going through. no matter what happens in my relationship I will be here to help support others going through this.
brokenhearted29 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 You are not alone! When you are feeling lonely and need someone to talk to just come here to the message board. It truly helps! I am going through a seperation also and I have found some really good friends on here that have gave me words of encouragement. Maybe also keeping a journal about how you are feeling would help. you are will make it.
Mimosa Belle Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 You are not alone. I was in your shoes a year ago. I too was isolated, fearful, and had stayed with H way too long....I felt dependent, and my self-esteem and worth as a human being felt totally smushed by H. Making any move to get out of your situation is hard, but as you take each little step, your self confidence WILL return, and give you strength to take another step. You can get out of this situation, you can support yourself, and you will have a better life. Time and distance (esp. no-contact) will help heal you. It's been a year for me, and while I still have an occasional off day, and flashbacks (H got physical with me) As time goes on and I fill my life with my own accomplishments and friends, those days hapen less often. I do encourage you to find a support group. It also helps the healing process if you can talk about it. When I first left my (abusive )relationship, that's all I could think of, and talk about. I couldn't talk it out enough--I'd go back and constantly repeat myself and all my woes, but boy, did it help me get it all out and eventually be able to move past it. Know that leaving him will be the best thing you've done for yourself in a long time, and life will get better. I've been there, I've come thru it. There is life, and a better one, beyond this.
WhiteRabbit Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 Thanks again for all the words of encouragement Well, I finally printed out the papers this morning, and will give them to my husband tonight to read over. I've been having a lot of anxiety the past 2 weeks or so. I was certainly feeling the anxiety this morning when I printed the papers out. Just one step closer to being final. Part of me feels relief, and part of me feels scared to death and sad. I really just needed to get out of the house for a while, so my daughter took me out to breakfast, then we went to a couple of stores. It was really nice to get out of the house for a little while anyway. I felt depressed as soon as I got back home :/ Well, I joined a local support group and went to my first meeting Monday night. I'm really glad I went. It was comforting to know I'm not the only one going through this hell and drowning in a sea of confusion, hurt, anger and fear. I met some very nice women that are going through a very similar situation as me. It seems long term marriages get hit the most. The shortest one there was 15 years, the longest was 35, and the average was around 20 years. I think it will help me tremmendously to get involved with this group and make some new friends. I really need that right now.
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