I may have gotten a girl pregnant, and i'm acting immature about it

[ChampionSound]

A girl called me this week to tell me that she thinks she is pregnant, and that I am the only person who could be the father. She took a test which came out negative, but it is too early to be accurate. However, she says she feels changes in her body that she has never felt before. She is going to a clinic for a definitive test on thursday.

 

My relationship to this girl was about sex and convenience. For her it became more than that, when a year ago we were hooking up occasionally, and she developed feelings for me. I pushed her away, because I couldn't see myself being with her. A few weeks ago, she convinced me that she was now only interested in sex, and that the love thing would no longer be an issue. So I slept with her again.

 

When she told me she thinks she is pregnant, I freaked out on the phone. I told her that it would ruin my life. I told her I have enough trouble taking care of myself right now. I told her I needed to hang up so I could go cry. I know that was totally selfish and immature. But for all the joy it could bring, it would also be the most expensive, complicated, long term ball and chain I have ever faced.

 

I am so frightened by the idea of being a father at this point in my life. I'm not ready. I know that a lot of kids are born in unideal conditions and turn out just fine. But the girl is 19 years old, living with her family and with only a high school education. I am 29, and have some education but nowhere near enough financial resources to even think about having a kid right now.

 

She sent me a text after our phone conversation, saying that I had a big ego, and that the baby would be hers. But I can see this so clearly - child support payments, making time to spend with the child, difficult conversations with new girlfriends. It is a huge liability.

 

I feel like an ass for the way I responded to her. I know that in time I could take the responsibility for a child. But GOD I don't want to. Not now. Not with her. In my head, I kind of thought that if I was very clear in my dissinterest in being a father, she might reconsider going through with the pregnancy. An abortion would be a horrific choice to have to make, but I wouldn't know other solution there could be.

 

I am scared and don't want any of this to be happening. I don't know what to do. Maybe a good time to start praying?

[Loserdude]

Okay my friend, do you feel better now venting your spleen about all that? Feels good to get it off you chest. So you've said it, you've had your cry, and you're saying your prayers. Are you done yet?

 

Now stop being a baby, be a man and do the right thing. If she choses to keep the baby, you ARE going to make time for it, you ARE going to support it and her, and you AREN'T going to further make an ass out of yourself. Do this so that when this child is 20 years old and you finally figure out that it was the right thing to do you won't still be looking back saying, "Why didn't I do the right thing?" Give this child the best opportunity any child will ever have and you will be proud of yourself and him or her. For every bad situation that you are in, there is someone else with a 10 times worse situation who figure it out.

 

Get it?

[SoleMate]

I sympathize deeply with your anxiety. You probably need to go through all the stages of grief, starting with shock and denial and moving on through bargaining and finally to acceptance. Acceptance of whatever happens...be it a termination, a birth, a tolerable relationship with the mother, an intolerable one, child support. The fact is, you don't have a wide range of options here. Maybe if you had a good, close, honest r/s with the mother, you both could work out a solution that you both could live with. But you're off on the wrong foot as far as talking together goes.

 

It's true that future girlfriends may be slowed down by the idea of a child. But I can assure you that decent women will be more than slowed down, they will be disgusted by learning that you fathered a child and then abandoned it - whether emotionally or financially. So there are lots of reasons to be a man.

 

The two of you may benefit from talking with a neutral third party, like maybe a marriage and family counselor. Ask her to come with you, schedule the appointment, and pay. Put all your questions out on the table. And also get legal advice.

 

Good luck, I'm very sorry for everyone trapped in this unwanted situation.

[tikigods]

If she does keep it you should get a DNA test ASAP that way you can be sure its yours. That being said, if she does keep it (if she is preggers at all) then you need to make sure you get a good lawyer and figure out what your right are. If she isn't then I would say its time to move on the greener pastures. You will have to take responsablity for it, but that doesn't mean you need to stay with her, Sole is right a woman might be turned off that you ahve a kid, but will be even more disgusted to learn that you ran out on it.

[Noos]

If it's yours, you will step up. You should've used a condom but I gues you don't need to hear that now. If you weren't taking precautions, why wasn't she? And also, just because she has a baby, doesn't mean she should stay home until it turns 18 capisce? You should contribute your share of financial support but she has to do the right thing by you also. If th result is positive, go see a family law solicitor for advice on setting up an agreement about shared parenting, visitation and child support. Make sure ground rules are in place early - there will be less pain all around if you do that.

[bluechocolate]

...she says she feels changes in her body that she has never felt before.

 

Hardly conclusive evidence of a pregnancy.

 

She had one test, which was negative & is

 

....going to a clinic for a definitive test on thursday.

 

So calm down & wait for the results.

 

Though nothing like a good scare to get ones priorities in order.

[justagirliegirl]

You're 29 years old and should know better but I guess you figured that out now after the maybe fact.

 

Use a condom. They are much much cheaper than 18 years of child support.

 

She sounds a little vindictive to me.

[Ross_K]

I don't think you were being immature mate, the way you responded was pretty damn understandable.

 

I'm 30 years old myself, I'm young for my age, and if something like this happened I would totally freak out.

[einahpets]

Ok, going to try and put this nicely....

Well she should have waited until she knew for sure before she said anything. But... You are right about being immature. From your post you sound like you are still in high school. First of all you shouldn't have slept with her again. It is obvious she was in love with you, missed you and wanted to get close to you again. That is why she said she only wanted sex. Those feeling don't just go away. You are scared? Can you imagine how a 19 year old feels? If anything you fork over a little money and see the child "when you make time". For the rest of her life (and she hasn't gotten to live as much of hers as you have), 24 hrs a day she will be taking care of that child. Her chances of education will shrink. Reread all of the complaints in your post and then think of how much harder it will be for her. You tell new women you have a child across town vs her telling new men about the child sleeping in the other room. Maybe you aren't a bad person, but you need to grow up and take reponsibilty for your part in the situation. I am sure she told you before she got the results because she is scared and wants your support before she goes into the clinic. And I think you should give it to her.

[Road Rage]

I think there is a pretty good chance she is jerking your chain but you have to hang in there until you know for sure.

[blind_otter]

I think there is a pretty good chance she is jerking your chain but you have to hang in there until you know for sure.

 

I agree actually. It disgusts me but it seems that some women find joy in freaking out ex's with pregnancy scares. Wait until the formal test and let this be a lesson. Sex for convenience can be dangerous in more ways that one.

[magda]

Maybe she had bad clams. Before a period is missed there aren't even noticeable symptoms.

[ChampionSound]

I know that if she does have my baby, I will have to grow up, and be there for him or her both financially and as a father. That may mean a lot of changes in my lifestyle, and I agree that one of the first things I'll do after finding out for sure is to ask her to visit a counsellor with me to talk about how we can do this in a way that works for us both.

 

Part of me thinks that she subconciously just wants to create a big stir, something to talk to her friends about me, etc. I googled the thing about not having symptoms before the first missed period, and was relieved to see that you're right. I don't even know if she missed her period, so I'll be asking her right away. Of course, a woman knows her body better than anyone else, and I can't get inside her head.

 

Statistically, she doesn't have a good chance of being able to provide for the child, but my sister had a child from an ex boyfriend around that age, and though it is a lot of work, she does it well. So it can be done.

 

If it's only a scare, consider me scared. Things will change after this incident, regardless of how it pans out.

[alphamale]

dude you've fallen for the oldest trick in the book. this chick wants to have you and your money lock-stock-and-barrel. if she's pregnant you are screwed. you have made a grave mistake. just hope she isn't pregnant and next time remember that many women are con artists when it comes to these types of things.

 

i almost got duped 3 or 4 times like this by certain women.

[SixthSt.Girl]

Sorry, but you shouldn't have opened your legs if you didn't want a baby. That's why sex isn't a good thing if you're not ready. I learned that the hard way when I went through a time when I thought I was pregnant. I had symptoms and thought for sure I was. My boyfriend had talked all this talk about not minding having a baby, maybe it would be a good thing, UNTIL I told him I thought I was pregnant. He said he wouldn't do anything, he wasn't ready, etc. This is a financially stable adult, not a teenager. So, I got rid of him and plan to never be with anyone in that way again until I'm married or dayum sure that the man will do the right thing. For one, premarital sex is a sin, and I believe we pay for our sins. I felt guilty, but wanted the man to love me, thought it would help me keep him - I was pretty naive and weak at the time. This is how your girlfriend is probably feeling. If you're not there to support her, whether she's pregnant or not, hopefully she'll dump your sorry butt. I'm sorry, but I feel NO sympathy for you. You play, you pay.

[tikigods]

I still stand by the statement that if she IS preggers that you need to be sure to get a DNA test ASAP after its born and make sure that she isn't just tring to trap you the best way she knows how.

[alphamale]

I still stand by the statement that if she IS preggers that you need to be sure to get a DNA test ASAP after its born and make sure that she isn't just tring to trap you the best way she knows how.

very very important TIKIGODS

[lovelorcet]

So, I got rid of him and plan to never be with anyone in that way again until I'm married or dayum sure that the man will do the right thing. For one, premarital sex is a sin, and I believe we pay for our sins. I felt guilty, but wanted the man to love me, thought it would help me keep him - I was pretty naive and weak at the time. This is how your girlfriend is probably feeling. If you're not there to support her, whether she's pregnant or not, hopefully she'll dump your sorry butt. I'm sorry, but I feel NO sympathy for you. You play, you pay.

 

I just love these kind of comments...

 

I'll put out when I want to but everyone else don't forget sex is a sin...

Get off your hypocritical moral horse and give me a break.

 

The way I understood things is that she is not his gf but a F***buddy...

 

 

This guys is flipping out because to some extent he was a bone head as 1. should not being doing a FWB thing with a girl who wants to pin him down and 2. should be wearing a condom!!! I think he has learned his lesson now...

[innocntlisy1981]

i was 9 weeks pregnant before i found out.I know from experience noone can feel changes this early on i think also she is vindictive she must be only like a few weeks if its to early to tell and theres no way u can feel the changes.I think shes pulling your chain too.Good luck.

[Isabella82]

I would just like to say that I am sorry for your situation. I am 24 and I could never imagine having a baby right now. That is why I am on the pill and it works great.

 

My friend just got pregnant by her ex boyfriend..... he thought she was on the pill but she really wasn't. It is surprising but there are a lot of girls out there that will trick a guy into getting her pregnant. Now she has him trapped, he is only 21. But now he wants to marry her..... not the way I would want to someone to propose to me.

 

Just calm down about it, my friend took 4 preganacy test and they all came out positive. At least your friends came out negative. To me it sounds like she is not pregnant after all.

[blind_otter]

my older sister told me yesterday that she was 5 months along with her youngest before she knew she was pregnant. She had a period every month during her first trimester and had no symptoms, but her daughter is fine, very healthy (except her teeth, but IMO that has to do with diet).

[hotgurl]

I knew I was pregnant before I even missed a period. Sorry OP.

 

as an aside I love how a lot of guys think abortions are an undo button.

[einahpets]

I guess this is one of those wait and see situations. But for the sake of arguement do a search in the forums. There have been discussions with women here who knew they were pregnant before they missed a period. On the other hand some don't know until later on. We are all different. I have an aunt who was 5mos along before she knew. She thought she was going through menopause.

[SixthSt.Girl]

I just love these kind of comments...

 

I'll put out when I want to but everyone else don't forget sex is a sin...

Get off your hypocritical moral horse and give me a break.

 

The way I understood things is that she is not his gf but a F***buddy...

 

 

This guys is flipping out because to some extent he was a bone head as 1. should not being doing a FWB thing with a girl who wants to pin him down and 2. should be wearing a condom!!! I think he has learned his lesson now...

 

You missed the point. For your information, I've only slept with one person - I don't "put out when I want to." I'd be doing it a lot more if that were true! Even if you don't believe that premarital sex is a sin, using someone for sex is. He's leading her on, not being clear that he doesn't want a relationship. THAT's vindictive. I don't know how in hell she's being vindictive just by saying she thinks she's pregnant. Why would she want to be pregnant at 19?? Just to hang onto this guy that isn't even financially secure? Get real. She's probably scared - I was convinced that I was pregnant because I got symptoms that I never had before. I truly thought I was despite the negative HPT, and wouldn't have told him if I'd thought otherwise. I was scared and wanted to know I had support.

 

All I'm saying is that I wish I would've been reminded of sin and its consequences. I firmly believe in bad karma and "what goes around comes around." The girl needs to get a blood pregnancy test to make sure. EPTS have a history of false negatives, especially when taken early on. Condoms are not great birth control, either. They rip, slip. My gyno said there needs to another form of birth control added if you really don't want to get pregnant. I should've listened, and have learned from my mistakes. I don't claim to be perfect. No one is - there is that "heat of the moment," and I think everyone understands how accepting our society is of premarital sex. I can understand how it happens, BUT there are too many unplanned pregnancies in the world. It just doesn't affect you and your's, it affects the whole world. You often don't think of these things until it's too late. I hope the OP learns from this experience, whatever the outcome, and I REALLY hope the girlfriend has opened her eyes and leaves the scene.

[Guest]

God have you stopped for a second and thought about what SHE is going through???

 

She's 19.. so I'm guessing still at college/uni or maybe working - probably not earning very much, probably still living at home. You - you are 29 I'm guessing working, more established in your career etc etc..

 

If she is pregnant and decides to keep the child this is going to change her whole LIFE completely, more than just payments and weekend visits... we're talking dirty nappies, crying, think about her future relationships... and she calls up to tell you and you FREAK out... wow very compassionate of you man.

 

Selfish is all i can say. Stand up be a man, be supportive, ask her how the hell she is feeling and get your head out your arse for an instant.

 

Next time - use protection or don't have sex. Simple as that really.