Guest Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I got involved with a MM about a year ago, we're still "together" and by that I mean we are still having sex, cause that's all we do: we meet up, have sex and then go our separate ways; we don't speak about our personal lifes, we don't call each other (cause we don't even have each other's numbers), he doesn't come to my place, we never go out, we don't know a lot of things about each other's lives or at least he doesn't about me cause trust me I know every single thing about his and it's because I love him. I don't feel guilty even though I know his wife and kids, and obviously he doesn't feel guilty at all, as sometimes he jokes about his wife being so naive!...He thinks I'm in it because of the great sex, and I was at first, but what he doesn't know is that I've fallen for him BIG TIME!!! If there's something worst than loving a MM, is loving him and pretend like you don't. It hurts like hell not being able to tell him...I don't even think I want what every other OW wants: the promises he will leave his wife to be with me, I just want to be able to tell him how I feel and get it out of my system!!! but I'm afraid that if I do it I might lose him. Don't bash me...This IS the OW/OM forum! I guess I came here looking for someone to encourage me to go ahead and tell him...or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I have no one to turn to.
BUTAFLY Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Your situation is unique and it sounds like its very difficult for you. I can identify with loving someone and pretending as you don't. You want to do all the things and say all the things that people in love would, but you can't, its torture. In your situation I wouldn't tell him. By your discription of this man he has no conscience or remorse. He likes the fact that he sleeps with you with no strings attached. That was the rules at the beginning and its not fair to change the rules now. More than likely he will run. But if your bursting at the seams to tell him then be prepared to let him go.
Joelle Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 With all due respect, my question is: How could you fall in love with a man when all you two do is have sex and go your separate ways? According to you, you two don't call each other, speak about your personal lives, or go out together. To me, you have a physical relationship only. So are you sure you're in love? Are you translating physical intimacy into emotional intimacy? If I were you, I wouldn't profess love to him. There's a good chance you would scare him off. More than likely, he doesn't feel that way towards you. Many men could have sex without love. They can compartmentalize that way.
sassiex Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 hello , you sound just like me!!! been with my mm just over a year now, love him to bits he has no clue!! my situation however is a little different to yours! phones me and texts me all through day, even at weekends !! he does take me out and spoiled me rotten on my birthday! everything else is the same !! want to tell him i love him....just too scared of his reaction !!! he has told me he loves me , still cant say it!! its tearing me up inside !! sometimes when we are making love , i feel so much love for him that i just want to spurt it out....but i dont !! guess its best not to hide your feelings.....got to be honest with yourself!! has your mm told you he loves you?? how often do you see him ??? maybe we can help each other , i hope x:D
Adunaphel Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 When MM perceived/understood that I was developing feelings for him (this happened before I told him - I am quite unable to hide what I feel) he became colder towards me and started to treat me in a quite unpleasant way (even if I suspect that he might have done it anyway). He was not scared away - he backed off in a noticeable way, though. Meaning that he was still interested in having sex with me but he started to *really* act like a jerk. I actually am not sure yet whether it was to make me detach emotionally or just because it was an ego boost to him -and he knew I'd allow him to speak to me in a certain way. If your MM is like mine, he will not stop seeing you but he might start treating you and speaking to you in a way that you would not like. In which case you would go through quite a lot of pain. Yet, I advise that you let him know how you feel. Because if you tell him, whatever the outcome is, you will learn more about what kind of guy he is in 10 minutes than you did through the whole year you have been seeing each other.
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I got involved with a MM about a year ago, we're still "together" and by that I mean we are still having sex, cause that's all we do: we meet up, have sex and then go our separate ways; we don't speak about our personal lifes, we don't call each other (cause we don't even have each other's numbers), he doesn't come to my place, we never go out, we don't know a lot of things about each other's lives or at least he doesn't about me He only wants you for sex, his actions make that abundantly clear. He has no interest in a relationship with you. If you tell him he'll probably ethier get an ego boost from it or be disgusted but ethier way he's likely to run like hell, because he's not looking for love. To be perfectly honest he sounds like a creep anyway if he makes fun of his wife for trusting him. You can do better.
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 With all due respect, my question is: How could you fall in love with a man when all you two do is have sex and go your separate ways? According to you, you two don't call each other, speak about your personal lives, or go out together. To me, you have a physical relationship only. So are you sure you're in love? Are you translating physical intimacy into emotional intimacy? If I were you, I wouldn't profess love to him. There's a good chance you would scare him off. More than likely, he doesn't feel that way towards you. Many men could have sex without love. They can compartmentalize that way. Trust me I love him: the fact that we don't speak much doesn't mean I don't know what type of man he is. Except for the fact that he is a cheater, he has all the qualities you could want in a man, loving, caring, hard worker...That's why I can say I love him because I know who he is! One can't just fall in love through sex! There has to be something that is going to make you fall in love with someone and that something, for me, was discovering that he has pretty much all the qualities of a perfect man. As I said the fact that he lies is probably the only part of his life that can't be admired, but besides that, he is one of the nicest guys I'd ever met...So, that's why I say I love him.
BUTAFLY Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 he became colder towards me and started to treat me in a quite unpleasant way (even if I suspect that he might have done it anyway). He was not scared away - he backed off in a noticeable way, though. Meaning that he was still interested in having sex with me but he started to *really* act like a jerk. I actually am not sure yet whether it was to make me detach emotionally or just because it was an ego boost to him -and he knew I'd allow him to speak to me in a certain way. I had the same experience. MY "BF" started acting like a jerk... I could't understand why and kept asking him what was wrong. Well the problem was he was getting married in a week. I think they do that to get the women to let go emotionally and also for themselves to detach emotionally. Thats why the usually talk bad about the ow after NC...if they say it enough they will eventually believe it.
Adunaphel Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I had the same experience. MY "BF" started acting like a jerk... I could't understand why and kept asking him what was wrong. Well the problem was he was getting married in a week. I think they do that to get the women to let go emotionally and also for themselves to detach emotionally. Thats why the usually talk bad about the ow after NC...if they say it enough they will eventually believe it. Funnily enough I think he never really talked badly about me in front of other people. I've heard (and people that hang out in the same kind of environment as us have heard too) him making quite un-gentlemanly comments about some girls he knows (I think he slept with one or two of them, anyway he has more or less jokingly hit on them) but -for all I know- he never said ugly or offensive things about me in front of other people. Not that it's really related... but it was weird that he'd tell me some very bad/offensive things (included the most disgusting thing I've ever heard in my life) but he'd talk to other people about me in a nice, or relatively nice, or at least kind of respectful way.
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