does he mean he doesn't love me because he wants to be non-exclusive?

[Tinkerbelle1]

Please help. I met this guy (36) and I'm 25.... We were friends for about 2 months then we started to be intimate. Last month we had a talk and I sort of asked if we're exclusive and he said non-exclusive. He basically said he wants us to date other people.

 

I was very confused and shocked when he said that to me. I thought things were somewhat going well that there's no reason to see other people but I guess I was wrong.

 

I take care of myself...exercise and eat healthy. I don't sleep around and prefer a monogomous relationship.

 

Well, I don't know what to call the guy. A bf or a friend? We call each other hon but what does it really mean.

 

Anyway, We both got tested for STDs to make sure we're free from any diseases. He said to me that we can date other people but we are to oblige to an agreement that we disclose to each other when we sleep with someone...after the fact. I'm so confused! ?????

 

My question is...if I sleep with another man, I am oblige to disclose that to him. At that point, what happens? Are we no longer together?

 

And what is the term 'FWbs' mean? Call me old fashion but I read some stuff ... I think I know what it means but not sure. Please clarify.

 

What shall I tell this guy? Part of me likes him.. we really enjoy each other's company that's why I'm shocked when he said we're non-exclusive.

 

Is he using the old trick .... reverse posychology ****?

 

Actually this is what I told him when he had the discussion last month about non-exclusivity. I said it's fine ..we can date other people but I can't continue to sleep with you. We can still go out to dinner, do same activities we normal do but I can't continue to have sex with you. He said that's a 'tough' request.

 

Please help!!!!

[Tony T]

This is the craziest arrangement I've heard of in a few hours. Tell this dude to take a long walk off a short pier. If you really like this guy, why would you want to wait around for him to tell you about the girls he's screwed? And if he REALLY cared about you he wouldn't want to do that anyway. He's playing you big time! Also, can you imagine him having to get tested everytime he beds a gal...and you'd have to wait over four months to get with him again because that's how long the AIDs incubation time is?

 

This is a horrible situation and I urge you to be strong and just end it. You will get no satisfaction out of having an intimate relationship with a guy who is content to sleep around. It's very obvious that your feelings are way, way far different from his. Why would you want to hurt yourself more?

 

And, no, this isn't a game or a test. This guy's simply a horney toad and likes variety. He's not a guy you'll want to settle down with anytime soon.

[konfuzd]

I take care of myself...exercise and eat healthy. I don't sleep around and prefer a monogomous relationship.

 

You know you're too good for him. Find someone who respects you, and doesn't treat you like his blow-up doll.

[everlong]

one of you wants a relationship and one wants a f-ckbuddy...that's really all freindswithebenefits is. someone you can call up when horny and get laid. if that is yer cup o tea, go fer it - if you can have sex with someone with becoming attached emotionally, then that is yer bag...most people can't. raises hand!

[SoleMate]

I say the same as everyone above, plus I'm disgusted by his arrogance in his announcing the non-negotiable terms of YOUR SHARED "relationship".

 

It's "tough" for him to not have a free pass to screw around as he pleases? Poor guy.

 

One bright spot...at least he's honest about his plans. So to say thank you, you can kiss him goodbye instead of kick him out the door.

[justagirliegirl]

His request is ridiculous! Next!!!!

[Road Rage]

It doesn`t seem this guy did anything wrong. The mistake is made when someone assumed that intimate means committed and monogamous.

 

You should have had this talk with him before becoming intimate. He would have probably told you the same thing then. But it is true that he could have lied to get the booty call and then move on. Life can be a b*tch.

[Cheshire Cat]

My guess is that if you agreed to being in a FWB relationship with him on his terms (which I strongly advise you don't),

you would be up for a double standard.

 

He sleeps with as many girls he wants to, it's fine because he warned you (he might not even tell you about it).

You sleep with one guy, you are a slut and he is either going to dump you on the spot or feel legitimated in not wanting to be exclusive with you.

 

Always use condoms when having sex with him!(if you keep having sex with him, which I hope you won't)

[BlueEyedGirl]

does he mean he doesn't love me because he wants to be non-exclusive?

 

Yes.......

[Loserdude]

My question is...if I sleep with another man, I am oblige to disclose that to him. At that point, what happens? Are we no longer together?

 

And what is the term 'FWbs' mean? Call me old fashion but I read some stuff ... I think I know what it means but not sure. Please clarify.

 

Really, I mean this guy is a jerk and is treating you like a door mat. I think everyone who has responded is on the same page with this (which is nice). Bottom line, establish your OWN standards by which you can live and if this is a "tough request" for this feller, then him being able to ask you out should be viewed as a tough request. Forget what he says are the rules, are YOU okay with that? If so, then go for it, if not, tell him this is the way it is and if it's too tough, then tell him to hit the pike.

 

(this is a bit of a rant here but I am continuously amazed at how many woman compromise themselves by buttheads like Tinkerbell's guy. Somewhere in my head I think, if women would just band together and raise the bar and keep it there, guys would eventually come around. But alas...)

 

Oh, I don't think anyone answered this, FWB: Friends With Benefits. It means that you are 'just friends' but you also have unattached sex when either wants or needs, etc. I don't know the origin but it was certainly popularized by Allanis in one of her songs...

[Tinkerbelle1]

Thanks everybody who responded to my question. You certainly clarified alot of ambiguities. I'm putting my foot down.... actually both of them! I'm going to give him the boot...ASAP. Sayonara :-)

[fishtaco]

I'm in agreement with Road Rage, he didn't do anything wrong. The whole disclose who you slept with is about STD risks. You are now both free and clear, but if he goes and bangs some girl at a bar, or you do something with some guy, guess what, now you don't know if you'll be passing something to each other. In fact, I'd call that a responsible FWB arrangement.

 

The problem here isn't that the guy is a jerk, or whatever, he's not. First, how can you love someone in two months? That's a crush, an infatuation, not love. Second, the true problem -- you two are in it for different reasons.

 

If you want a sex only relationship, this is as good as it'll get -- he's aware AND responsible about not transmitting STD's, and he's not lying about his status and what he wants. Compare to some guy that want the same thing, except he'd pretend he wants a relationship just to rope you along. Not to mention that would increase your STD exposure because if he's playing games to keep you, he won't be telling you his other women. The world will be a better place if every guy can be honest like him. That puts very clear decision making information right in your hands.

 

Now you are doing the right thing in ending this with him. Not because he did anything wrong, but because you want something different. As simple as that. So yes, downgrade to friends with no benefits, or maybe even cut off all contact. It's up to you, but give him credit for being straight forward.

 

Also don't feel like there's something wrong with you. There isn't. Attraction has no logic or reason to it. He didn't feel the chemistry, that's it. I'm sure there have been guys you turned down in the past that were fine people, but you just didn't feel the connection.

[Walk]

I'm in agreement with Road Rage, he didn't do anything wrong.

The problem here isn't that the guy is a jerk, or whatever, he's not. First, how can you love someone in two months? That's a crush, an infatuation, not love. Second, the true problem -- you two are in it for different reasons.

 

I would be in total agreement if it weren't for the fact that SHE had to ask HIM what the "status of the relationship" was.

 

Only after she asked, did he suggest this pretty little arrangement that you are touting as "honesty" and straight forward truth.

 

At least he answered the question with honesty. But he sure wasn't very forth coming about his intentions. So I give him half kudo's for telling the truth after being questioned... but he doesn't get the pat on the back, nor the hooray for being upfront about it first.

 

Tinkerbelle1, Glad you decided to set this guy on the single road again.

[fishtaco]

I would be in total agreement if it weren't for the fact that SHE had to ask HIM what the "status of the relationship" was.

 

Only after she asked, did he suggest this pretty little arrangement that you are touting as "honesty" and straight forward truth.

 

Oops, my bad, I missed that. Yes you are right Walk, he was being lame that he should have brought it up first.

[fishtaco]

Walk, actually on a second thought, although he's not the outstanding citizen that I thought he was, he did tell the truth after he was asked. Wouldn't you say that's the norm?

 

Sorry Tinkerbelle1, this is a thread jack, but I think everyone is already in agreement that you did the right thing by ending this with him. And he's not very nice.

 

So back to my thread jack... the good guys would preemptively talk about the FWB status just in case, and risk losing the benefit portion. That's me, happened to me last month. Because I fell back on my Nice Guy way... unsurprisingly didn't get any. But shouldn't women be more cautious and don't expect anything until after "the talk"? I mean sex is supposed to be fun for both parties, not like it's a special favor for the guy.

 

The truth is, men and women use each other all the time. Usually, men use women for sex, and women use men for goods and services. These things are done consentually, but sometimes with one side expecting something more. I have a friend that's a lap dog to this woman he likes. He went as far as telling his boss he had an emergency and left work just to help her move. He gets nothing in return, maybe scraps of attention from time to time just to keep the illusion going. Yes she's a user. A lot of women are users, I have a ton of these examples I can throw out. But doesn't the responsibility fall on him to protect himself? I think you understand what I'm getting at.

 

From my perspective, I've been stomped and seen my friends get stomped by women all the time. And I have women that play the stupid games just to get drinks out of me or whatever; basically dangling the carrot in front of me to get me to do what they want. While I'm not going to lie and cheat, I do feel it's difficult holding myself up to a higher standard than what's going on around me. Getting off on technicalities in the grey area isn't good, but it's not evil either, and people do it all the time, and that's something that I've been considering venturing into but haven't done so. Women do that to me, why can't I do it back? And if I do it to a woman that doesn't play the technicalitie game, then it's a free lesson from me just like how I received my free lessons in the past, right?

 

Anyway, Walk, I've read many of your posts, and you have informative posts. So I'd like to hear what your thoughts on this are. Of course everyone else feel free to chime in too.

[Walk]

Walk, actually on a second thought, although he's not the outstanding citizen that I thought he was, he did tell the truth after he was asked. Wouldn't you say that's the norm?

 

... While I'm not going to lie and cheat, I do feel it's difficult holding myself up to a higher standard than what's going on around me. Getting off on technicalities in the grey area isn't good, but it's not evil either, and people do it all the time, and that's something that I've been considering venturing into but haven't done so. Women do that to me, why can't I do it back? And if I do it to a woman that doesn't play the technicalitie game, then it's a free lesson from me just like how I received my free lessons in the past, right?

 

I'm probably not the best person to discuss morally loaded questions with.

 

Interesting question though.. There was a study done regading people using blinkers while driving. And the majority of respondants said they didn't feel they had to use their blinkers because "no one else did".

 

Which is fine.. but honestly, if you want to cause major confusion and potentially scarring injuries.. Go with the majority vote.

 

Me.. I use my blinker. I know I'm never going to be 100% capable of seeing every potenital outcome of a situation, so I like to give people a heads up on what my intentions are. That way they can take measures to protect themselves if I get careless. I don't mean to hurt people, but sometimes I'm just not thinking clearly.

 

So that's kind of a bad analogy... but that's how I see the early stages of dating. I feel I have a responsibility to give people at least a "heads up" on what my intentions are. My desire is not to hurt someone just because others have "taught" me some painful lessons in the past.

 

When i first started dating my bf, I was still going out with other guys at the time. I never flat out told him I was. We never discussed it. But I didn't hide the fact from him. I'd comment that I went out with John to go see a cool hockey game. Or that I met Ken at the bar the night before and couldn't believe how crowded it was on a Tuesday night..

 

I also think the rules drastically change once sex is involved. Then you're playing deadly games. And since I do enjoy sex with a partner I feel comfortable with, inevitably I'd like to have sex at some point. When it gets to that point, I believe there has to be a discussion. Real communication regaring my views, his views, and what each of us wants from the other. Then attempt to see if there's areas to comprimise on, or we part ways. But it shouldn't come as an "out of the blue", complete shock and total surprise as to what my intentions are as far as exclusivity go.

 

Did that make any sense at all?? I feel like I'm all muddled in the head today. Sorry...

[fishtaco]

I'm probably not the best person to discuss morally loaded questions with.

 

Nah, it's cool, just want to hear what you (or other people) think. I don't automatically believe everything that drops out of the internet tubes. It'll go through my own mind filter before I'll adapt it for myself.

 

I also think the rules drastically change once sex is involved. Then you're playing deadly games. And since I do enjoy sex with a partner I feel comfortable with, inevitably I'd like to have sex at some point. When it gets to that point, I believe there has to be a discussion.

 

Exactly. So you would make sure you find out more about the person before engaging in sex. Just like I'm cautious with women too, I want to find out if they're for real before I take them out to that expensive opera. That's just being realistic and cautious... you never know what their motives are until after they've earned your trust.

 

I was putting things in a harsh way when I said that women did it to me, so I can too thing. But really I guess what I meant was that is it my responsibility when the woman isn't being careful? If a woman decides to jump in bed with me without having the talk first, is it my responsibility to stop her? Or her responsibility to protect herself?

 

Using an analogy from my perspective, if I just go ahead and spend $400 on fancy dinner and opera for a second date, then she stops returning my calls after, who's fault is it? My fault for jumping the gun, or her fault because she knew she wasn't into me, and should have refused such an expensive date, and suggested McDonalds and miniature golf?

 

I understand your post about not causing injuries. But can these situations be classified as people causing themselves injuries? And from the view point of the less interested party, we COULD go out of our way to protect them from themselves, but it's optional?

 

And apologies to Tinkerbelle1, your situation sparked a question I've had for awhile, please don't take this personally.

[Walk]

But really I guess what I meant was that is it my responsibility when the woman isn't being careful? If a woman decides to jump in bed with me without having the talk first, is it my responsibility to stop her? Or her responsibility to protect herself?

 

Using an analogy from my perspective, if I just go ahead and spend $400 on fancy dinner and opera for a second date, then she stops returning my calls after, who's fault is it? My fault for jumping the gun, or her fault because she knew she wasn't into me, and should have refused such an expensive date, and suggested McDonalds and miniature golf?

 

I understand your post about not causing injuries. But can these situations be classified as people causing themselves injuries? And from the view point of the less interested party, we COULD go out of our way to protect them from themselves, but it's optional?

 

I think basically we're on the same train of thought, from what you described. You're not looking to pull a fast one on anyone, yet you aren't going to be a martyr for someone else's stupidity.

 

I guess really all I'm saying is that I believe we owe others at least a small attempt at considering their feelings in the matter. It's ultimately their responsibility to take care of themselves. I think giving people a heads up on where you're going is at least the respectful thing to do.

 

GDamn, my bf won't text me back! What is up with you men?!?!?! Aarrrggh..

 

I'm all frazzled right now... I'm gonna stop now.

[fishtaco]

Thanks for your time Walk.