Theessence13 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under a year now. The first time this happened was about 3 months into the relationship when we were drunk. She didn't notice it at the time but when we were having sex, she said this guy's name instead of mine. I'm sure you can imagine how much that hurts. It has happened about 8 times so far, only once when she was sober, and only 2 of the times were when we were having sex. I have told her that she's done it and she said she didn't remember doing that. Last night was the first time she actually noticed it right when it happened. I got pretty depressed and ended up sleeping on the couch. I know this may sound naive but i am 99.99999% sure that she has absolutely no sexual attraction to this friend. I have a lot of past experience to back this up. Regardless of wether or not she does, hypothetically why in hell would she say that? When we talked about it she said she has no idea at all why she said that and wasn't thinking about him or anything related to him. If theres absolutely no external stimulus then i don't understand how its possible to just randomly say my ex-friend's name, especially right then. I've never been able to just look at sex as sex. Especially with her, i really love this girl and when i'm feeling that close to her that is probably the worse time for her to say that. This will bother me for awhile but i'm fairly good at getting over things. Its not really the fact that it happened that bothers me, but the question of WHY it happened. If its just naturally possible to have the same accident over and over then i can accept that but if not thats only leaving me with pain of feeling she MUST be lying to me. Please tell me what you think. Thanks so much
Kamille Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 That's happened to me in the past too and really I have no idea what it means! I remember talking to friends about it and they divided into two camps: 1) some people just do slips like that (for instance, my mom has a tendency to call me by my aunt's and sister's names). 2) it's an indication there is something going on at a deeper level in the relationship. Do you feel she is as invested in the relationship as you? If she is, then I wouldn't worry about it. You seem to have told her how much it bothers you, and she finally realised that she does do it. Perhaps she will now try to focus on not doing it so much. Also, maybe her way of experiencing sexuality does not coincide with yours a 100%. Maybe, at a time when you are feeling happy safe and secure with her (ie, not as part of an intense conversation about the name issue) you could have an open conversation about your mutual understanding of sex and share some of your sexual fantasies. Remember that fantasies are just that: imaginary. and they don't play out in every one of your sexual interactions. Who knows, maybe one of hers is having sex with strangers/people she is not intimate with, in which case you could engage in role playing (and experience, on your side, a whole new realm of sexual intimacy.)
dgiirl Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 1) some people just do slips like that (for instance, my mom has a tendency to call me by my aunt's and sister's names). lol both my parents do that to both me and my brother. I get called his name, him my name. They even call us by their dog's name sometimes, even dogs that have passed away lol. Ewww i just had a picture of my parents having sex and wondering if they do it to one another.
Kamille Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Ewww i just had a picture of my parents having sex and wondering if they do it to one another. oooooohhhh this thread could degenerate! lol. And yes, you just reminded me, my mom has called me by her cats' name!!! so Theessence, moral of the story: you just be happy she calls you by a human name!
Author Theessence13 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 I guess i never really thought about it as being the same as if my mom did it to me, which she has. I guess its pretty much the same deal. It just seemed more important i guess; I can be reasonable though. A new problem i just thought of has arisen. She isn't going to be able to get this out of her head. She feels really terrible about it and looking into the future, i know she'll think about it next time we have sex and i really don't want it to ruin the sex for her. It may be awhile until i see her otherwise i'd just wait and see what happens at the time. I don't think avoiding sex would solve the problem at all, rather man it worse and keep it on our minds. Any idea on how to get past it? I'm not sure how to tell her that its "okay". I've told her that i'm over it and that i'm fine with it just being an accident but she still is upset about it. any ideas or experiences? and thanks for the replies :-)
Kamille Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Are you in a LDR? Anyways, you sound like you are feeling better about it so all you can do is show her you are better about it. In situations like these, I always find tasteful humor helpful (yes even during the deed). But also, things need to run their course. You don't need to have sex to get over it, or avoid sex to get over it. You will both know when to have sex. What you could do is plan a fun filled extra romantic evening. Seduce her. (I'm all about seduction today...)
HokeyReligions Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 My girlfriend and I have been dating for just under a year now. The first time this happened was about 3 months into the relationship when we were drunk. She didn't notice it at the time but when we were having sex, she said this guy's name instead of mine. I'm sure you can imagine how much that hurts. It has happened about 8 times so far, only once when she was sober, and only 2 of the times were when we were having sex. I have told her that she's done it and she said she didn't remember doing that. Last night was the first time she actually noticed it right when it happened. I got pretty depressed and ended up sleeping on the couch. I know this may sound naive but i am 99.99999% sure that she has absolutely no sexual attraction to this friend. I have a lot of past experience to back this up. Regardless of wether or not she does, hypothetically why in hell would she say that? When we talked about it she said she has no idea at all why she said that and wasn't thinking about him or anything related to him. If theres absolutely no external stimulus then i don't understand how its possible to just randomly say my ex-friend's name, especially right then. I've never been able to just look at sex as sex. Especially with her, i really love this girl and when i'm feeling that close to her that is probably the worse time for her to say that. This will bother me for awhile but i'm fairly good at getting over things. Its not really the fact that it happened that bothers me, but the question of WHY it happened. If its just naturally possible to have the same accident over and over then i can accept that but if not thats only leaving me with pain of feeling she MUST be lying to me. Please tell me what you think. Thanks so much Stop having sex drunk and the next time you do have sex YOU call out the guy's name.
bella_girl Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I'm going with HokeyReligions on this one.. I think you can start to make a joke out of it... why don't you both just start randomly calling out other people's names - doesn't need to be people you know... (that could be weird). If you both do this and can laugh about it I think it will take the pressure off the whole episode, show her that you're over it and you'll both continue not to dwell on it.
Author Theessence13 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks Kamille I am feeling better about it already and I think you're totally right about when to have sex. I didn't mean that we needed to have sex to get over it, just that the next time we do actually have sex it's almost inevitable that it will be on her mind. Once we're comfortable with the fact that it happened i'm sure it won't be a problem. I'm in no hurry. No its not a LDR but i don't get to spend more than 1 evening a week with her, and this week i won't. We have conflicting school and work schedules to work with so we just do what we can. HokeyReligions, you're a dick, or just really immature. Why would i do that if she didn't do it on purpose and ALREADY feels terrible about it. Avoiding sex while i'm drunk would probably make it worse because then she'd wonder why and i'd probably have to tell her. Would you seriously do that yourself? Thanks again, you're great
dgiirl Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Stop having sex drunk and the next time you do have sex YOU call out the guy's name. HAHAHHAH, if I was his gf, I think that would totally crack me up, and I'd remember not to call him the guy's name ever again. As for avoiding sex while drunk, I think that's a good call. Why are you having so much sex while drunk? Why are you guys not sober?
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