Guest Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Hello everyone, new here. Here is my situation. I just recently found out I'm pregnant. Due near the beginning of May. I have mixed feelings on the whole thing. My husband and I have been married for 12 years, and we already have 2 boys. One 10 and the other one 7 years of age. My husband and I have not gotten along the past few years. He can be quite controling, selfish and hurting in his words and actions. I have told him several times before I didn't want to have anymore kids. For lots of reasons. One we don't have the extra money or space for another. I have my hands full with the 2 we have. Don't get me wrong, they are wonderful boys but can be a handful as most boys can be, lol. We had agreed awhile back that 2 kids is all we wanted, and we were blessed with 2 great boys. The other reason I don't care to have another one is, I didn't get alot of help with either of the boys when they were born. THe things my husband did do for me he acted as if he was doing me a favor. Because he can be emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, and things have bewen rocky is one of the main reasons I don't want anymore kids. Why bring up a child in a situation thats already not that great. He has mentioned to me before over the past few months he wouldn't mind having another child. I kind of laughed it off and said I didn't want anymore. He changes like night and day. One day he can be ugly to me, telling me to go to hell and he can't stand me and I'm stupid, he is done with the marriage etc, then the next day says he wants another baby? I don't get it. I have told him that having another baby is not gojng to make things better if this is his thinking. He says he knows that. So why he would want another one I'm not sure, until now. I think this is what has happened. He knew I didn't want another baby and has known this. I really think our marriage was/has been in trouble for awhile, (and yes we have been to counseling and he wont go back) I'm wondering if he felt that since our marriage was in trouble, if he thought he would do this to keep me here? I know, no one is keeping me here but myself really. I don't work, or have any money of my own so to speak. He knows that if I were to leave I really don't have a place to go, or money to provide for me and the boys. He knows this. He knows I'm sick of the way he treats me, but yet he sees me do nothing about it. He probably feels that me having another baby will keep me here. I would be busy with the new baby and the boys while he once again does whatever he wants while I sit at home taking care of the kids. I think he felt the marraige was about to crumble, so in his mind he thinks a baby will make me stay, and prevent me from leaving him. I think he purposly got me pregnant. He knew I didn't want anymore and I remember a particular night we had sex, he seemed rather happy afterwards. Like he knew that he left a little in. Sorry not trying to be gross. I didn't like him to leave it in, he usually pulls out. I think he was so hoping that what he did would result in a pregnancy. And it did. He got his way, even if it meant being sly about it. An abortion is not in the question so that is out. I'll love the baby no doubt. I do think its going to be hard though becasue its not something I wanted. Its something HE wanted but I think for the wrong reasons. Does this sound like he purposly did this? I'm pregnant and theres nothing that can be done about it now, since abortion is not an option. I do beleive things happen for a reason but sometimes I have to wonder if they are for the wrong reasons?
JackJack Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Like he knew that he left a little in. Sorry not trying to be gross. I didn't like him to leave it in, he usually pulls out. I think he was so hoping that what he did would result in a pregnancy. I have one question for you. I didn't see anywhere in your post where you mentioned the fact that you tried to prevent further pregancies with any form of birth control. Are you on the pill? Did you use condoms? Are you on any other form of birth control? I understand you not wanting another child, because of finaical reasons and the way you feel your husband is acting, but if you were that adament about not getting pregnant again you might would have tried to prevent it better. Now if by chance you are or birth control or used condoms and you still ended up pregnant for whatever reason, thats one thing, at least you tried to take precautions, but if you used nothing but the pull out method, thats pretty much playing with fire right there. I wouldn't put off all the blame on your husband for getting you pregnant. Wheather he purposly did it or not we don't know for sure, but the fact that you didn't try to prevent it either,says you had to have known the risk involved.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Guest, I just don't understand one thing: if you didn't want to get pregnant, why are you relying on HIM as your birthcontrol method???????????????????????????? Really, you need to see a counselor again. I am not trying to put you down, but it is hard to empathize with someone who willingly put themselves in a crappy situation and then BLAME it on someone else. You see, YOU are the person who intentionally got yourself pregnant. (Your H is just being the 'selfish, hurtful guy that he's always been.') Good luck with your new baby. You will need alot of it.
Guest Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Like he knew that he left a little in. Sorry not trying to be gross. I didn't like him to leave it in, he usually pulls out. I think he was so hoping that what he did would result in a pregnancy. I have one question for you. I didn't see anywhere in your post where you mentioned the fact that you tried to prevent further pregancies with any form of birth control. Are you on the pill? Did you use condoms? Are you on any other form of birth control? I understand you not wanting another child, because of finaical reasons and the way you feel your husband is acting, but if you were that adament about not getting pregnant again you might would have tried to prevent it better. Now if by chance you are or birth control or used condoms and you still ended up pregnant for whatever reason, thats one thing, at least you tried to take precautions, but if you used nothing but the pull out method, thats pretty much playing with fire right there. I wouldn't put off all the blame on your husband for getting you pregnant. Wheather he purposly did it or not we don't know for sure, but the fact that you didn't try to prevent it either,says you had to have known the risk involved. No, I'm not on any form of birth control. I can't take the pill causes alot of problems for me, and condoms rub me raw. The with drawal method has worked many times before but I guess not this time. I know I was at risk for getting pregnant without using anything but I guess I figured it would work out like all the times before and not get pregnant.
PandorasBox Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I agree with the others. Don't just be mad at your husband, be mad at yourself as well for laying down with him and using no kind of protection at all, if you were not wanting more kids. If you really DO NOT want anymore, then perhaps after this one is born would you consider, having your tubes tied? Or would your husband have a vastecomy? Anyway I'm not sure if I should say congrats or not since this is not something you realy wanted. I'm assuming your kids are in school, so why not take the opportunity to maybe get involved in some kind of part time work while you are pregnant with this one. You can even do some online classes and possibly get certified in something so if things ever did get to the point to where you could no longer live in the situation you are in, you would have some kind of job or background in something so you wouldn't feel like you are so dependent on your husband. Just a thought.
Romeo Must Die Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 When we have babies, us mommies have the weight of the world on our shoulders as it is. We want everything perfect for when the baby arrives. We wouldnt want to bring the baby into an unhappy home. If you were already thinking of leaving him before you found out you were pregnant, this news couldnt possibly come at a worse time for you. This baby is a part of him and also a part of you. If you keep the baby and stay with him, you are making a big commitment. He is willing to make the commitment with you. That means alot. All marriages have their highs and lows. In my opinion, its holding on together through all the hard times that makes your love stronger. Life is full of Guns and Roses. It isn't always perfect. As they say, happiness comes from within, so who knows, you might be just as equally unhappy with somebody else as you are with your husband. However, if you think a greater love is out there for you, that is your belief. Then you make the choice. As for having a baby (or not to have a baby) is ultimately for the woman to decide. It's her body. Her choice.
Guest Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I agree with the others. Don't just be mad at your husband, be mad at yourself as well for laying down with him and using no kind of protection at all, if you were not wanting more kids. If you really DO NOT want anymore, then perhaps after this one is born would you consider, having your tubes tied? Or would your husband have a vastecomy? Anyway I'm not sure if I should say congrats or not since this is not something you realy wanted. I'm assuming your kids are in school, so why not take the opportunity to maybe get involved in some kind of part time work while you are pregnant with this one. You can even do some online classes and possibly get certified in something so if things ever did get to the point to where you could no longer live in the situation you are in, you would have some kind of job or background in something so you wouldn't feel like you are so dependent on your husband. Just a thought. I wasn't trying to put all the blame on him. I know I'm just to blame as he is. I guess I just didn't think it would happen and it did. So we deal with it, nothing I can do now. I have gotten to the point to where I feel that maybe this was meant to happen or meant to be, so I take one day at a time, its all I can do. I guess too I keep hoping things with change with him. I doubt a baby will do that, but right now i have to go with the flow.
JackJack Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 You're right, theres nothing you can do now. Let me ask you this though, after this baby is born, you say you hope it will change him? It wont I'm sorry to say. If he is emotionally, verbally abusive to you this baby wont stop that. I hope you don't look at this situation as, staying in an emotionally and verbally abusive situation is better than not having no where to go at all. Theres always a place and always around things. Emotional and verbal abuse are not good, and it possibly would teach your kids this is acceptable behavior as well. Why do you feel he wont to counseling? If he wont go I suggest you go again. Indivdual counseling might be something you need right now. I think you need to do what someone else suggested as well, develop some independence for yourself by maybe earning you some money even if its something part time right now.
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 If you are going to use the pull-out method, keep track of when you ovulate and your 'safe' times to have sex. After this baby is born, maybe you need to get your tubes tied or get your husband to get a snip. I'm sorry that this has happened, you're BOTH to blame here and this is how life is, unless you two talk about your options...... Marriage counselling will help and if he refuses to go, then your marriage is slowly going down the tubes, especially if he is abusive and rude to you! The kids hear and see this, no matter how great a father is, the kids DO learn this kind of behaviour which is NOT good.
Jazzy Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Sounds like you need to divorce! You're bringing a 3rd child into this DYSFUNCTIONAL craziness? He treats you like crap and YOU'RE staying for this???? Im sorry, but I dont see empathy or sympathy here. Do you know how many women out here in this world are raising their kids w/o a husband, and are doing wonderful, making a life and a living with much happiness. It can be done! Grow up, and stop feeling sorry for yourself and make it better, if not for yourself, for your 2 1/2 children. What You Need To Do Is: Go to your local or state agency, (since you have no finances) and seek assistance from them. Often these agencies CAN PROVIDE, Medical, Housing, Food, Clothing and Financial help. They are also equipped with the means to HELP YOU FIND A JOB!! Honey stop feeling sorry for yourself, You need to learn how to not be so Dependant on your husband or anyone for that matter. Dont You Know By Now, The Only Person You Can Depend On For Sure .......IS YOU??? (oh......maybe not) and get off the "dang it" couch and HELP YOURSELF! Get a Grip, Get it together for yourself and your kids. After all, how can you be the best mom you can be, by allowing all this abuse to continue???
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