JN322 Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Hello, I wrote an introductory post a few months ago stating basically that I was your average love-shy 25 year old, trying to turn himself around. I finally worked up the courage to engage a friend-of-a-friend in a few conversations, which eventually worked into getting her number. I did my best not to seem over eager, and tried to keep things casual as to not frighten her off, which worked. We went out with groups of friends a few times, and eventually by ourselves for drinks and coffee on a couple of occasions. Eventually I asked her out to a jazz club in chicago, which she agreed. I thought things were going pretty well. Over the intermissions we talked and she kept bringing up relationships. She eventually asked me about prior relationships (who and how long, etc). I hadn't prepared for that question, and didn't know exactly what to say, since I had no prior girlfriends, so I just answered honestly. I think that was a mistake, as she became visually uncomfortable for a few minutes. Since that night she stopped calling me, and hasn't answered/returned my calls. We used to speak on the phone almost daily (and about half of the calls were initiated by her), and now she's aparently done with me. I didn't do anything else differently that night, and I really think it was my lack of history. Maybe it makes me appear as damaged goods. What should I have done differently, if anything? Link to post Share on other sites
sexy_T-Bear_ny83 Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I think you should have told her that the past is the past! And that you dont like talking about it. Also i think you should call her, or better yet find her somewhere go up to her and tell her that you think it is really f***ed up that she stoped talking to you soly on the fact that you dont have history, Let her know she missed out and never speak to her again. definatly put her down some how. with a chilled comment something True yet Halarius, you'll feel better. [teller her something like " I noticed that you have more hair on your back than i do on my chest lol jk but something halarius} if you cant think of anything ask your friend's to help you. Link to post Share on other sites
Matt L Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 Hrm, I'm no expert (love-shy, like yourself), but I do have a gut... and it works sometimes. My feeling on this is that she's had some bad experiences with relationships in the past and was hoping to perhaps bounce some horror stories off of you to see your reactions and also help you two to relate better. I would also imagine she could have been fishing for some ideas from you as well. Perhaps she was looking for insight about your past relationships to discover things that worked and things that didn't work so she could avoid the same pitfalls that became previous girlfriends... ... anyway, this plan was ruined by your not having any previous girlfriends... and you know, I have a profound belief that women obsess over a lot of silly things, and these obsessions vary from woman to woman. More than likely she's a bit weirded out at the prospect of being your "first," since everyone remembers their first <blank>, regardless of what <blank> is... and that could make her feel pressured to live up to a certain standard. ... On the other hand she might have gone home wondering if there's something about you that's been deterring other women that she can't see... Afterall, most people begin dating in highschool/college, and here you are at 25 just beginning to get into it. Anyway, that's all I can think of... Oh, wait, no... If you haven't called her yet, do it. Don't leap into this right of way in the conversation, but bring it up and ask her if that's why she hasn't been talking to you... Link to post Share on other sites
dgiirl Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 You told her the truth and I dont think you should have done anything different. If you were a perfect gentleman in everything else, and this was your only "red flag" she should not have just jumped ship. I definitely would not, and it just shows her immaturity at this moment. The only thing you could have done differently is to be confident about your past. I'm not sure how you told her about having no experience. If you told it to her in a meek insecure ashamed way, or confidently told her you've been busy with other things in your life that you've never had the opportunity to focus on relationships yet, but you are now. Dont hide who you are. It's what makes you you. I'm a recently separated woman. It's a "mark" on me. People could say i'm "damaged" goods. But anyone who thinks that way can stay out of my life. I wouldnt want anyone in my life like that in the first place. It shows a lack of compassion and understanding for what i've gone through, they dont understand where I've been and they wouldnt be good relationship material. Same with this woman for you. If she doesnt understand where you've come from, she's not going to be good relationship material for you. I would not recommend calling her and telling her off. What purpose will that make? It'd make you look like an ass. If you feel like confronting her, then just ask her directly "What's up? Ever since our date, you have stopped calling.". And leave the ball in her court. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted October 16, 2006 Share Posted October 16, 2006 Thanks for the replies everyone. I don't know if I really want to call her, she's made it pretty clear that she's done with me, and I don't want to appear to be whiney or anything like that. Its just confusing. Its like trying to get a job for the first time out of college. Can't get a job without experience, can't get experience without a job. Unfortunately for me available women come very infrequently into my circle. But on the plus side it'll give me some more time to figure out how to answer that question if it should come up again. Trying to "leave it in the past" may come back to bite me since it sounds like I'm tying to hide something (which I guess I am...) Link to post Share on other sites
Author JN322 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Share Posted October 16, 2006 ERP...Forgot to log in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Thrawn Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 I relate totally with the ideas in this thread, and have the following suggestions to make. If any girl asks point blank about previous relationships, remain ambigious about it, and tell her that's priviledged information you dont divulge to anyone until you know them better, and make a rule of divulging such information THREE dates later. And in turn - you keep the relationships stuff a quiet point until you determine there is chemistry enough to keep the date going. All that's important is the girl understand that you are currently looking for a girlfriend. If the girl thinks you are hiding something, then, she'll likely stick along to find out what you are hiding, rather than remain indefinately in suspence. The less information divulged the better because she'll just have to end up guessing what's going on unless she follows your rules. That will keep the mystery and suspence - that you only divulge special information to people you really know and not to anyone - now she's 'anyone'. You would tell her, you are more concerned whether or not she is compatable with you then discussing that info. No dicussions about relationships or any nonsence UNTIL the third date, or UNTIL you've kissed the girl on her lips and at least gone some action before trashing it. Link to post Share on other sites
gfto Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Over the intermissions we talked and she kept bringing up relationships. She eventually asked me about prior relationships (who and how long, etc). Any time a woman starts asking heavy questions like that, you must resort to humor. Go into Jim Carey mode with questions like that. You should've said, "well, my first four marriages didn't pan out, and I'm getting ready to dump my fifth wife, so I figured that I should start dating again!" Then, flash a smile. I suspect you got nervous when she hit you with that question. She picked up on your nervousness, and it could've turned her off. Also, don't take this the wrong way, but it's quite possible that this girl wasn't very interested in you to begin with. Since that night she stopped calling me, and hasn't answered/returned my calls. This means she has low interest in you. Simple as that. Flush her number, forget her, and get some new numbers! We used to speak on the phone almost daily Big mistake. Men need to learn that the telephone is strictly for making dates; not chit-chat. Link to post Share on other sites
SmoochieFace Posted October 26, 2006 Share Posted October 26, 2006 Dont hide who you are. It's what makes you you. I'm a recently separated woman. It's a "mark" on me. People could say i'm "damaged" goods. But anyone who thinks that way can stay out of my life. I wouldnt want anyone in my life like that in the first place. It shows a lack of compassion and understanding for what i've gone through, they dont understand where I've been and they wouldnt be good relationship material. Same with this woman for you. If she doesnt understand where you've come from, she's not going to be good relationship material for you. I cannot stand people who 'label' others like that... as if their lives are oh so perfect. Link to post Share on other sites
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