whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Let the kids hang out and just STOP going away with them as a couple. Let your husband be more involved, and you distance yourself. Keep busier, do things OUTSIDE of your neighbourhood so you're not tempted as much. Make yourself accountable and just know you've got little eyes to look at everynight...Imagine their pain if they knew...That in itself should be enough for you to start listening to your head and not your heart/body parts...
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 Well I talked to MM today he called and we talked for a while. I wanted to see where we were going and he told me to leave my h and he would follow. I told hm do not leave W because of me and I am not leaving H because of you. We should both leave our marriages because we are unhappy. He told me he loved me and did not want to end anything (of course not). I said I needed NC for as long as it took to get over him. He did not agree and I hung up phone before he could reply. He said before I hung up he wanted to talk to me face to face and then i clicked. I know I did the right thing , but now I am left with a lot of sadness and also said i hurt him because he is my BF. Because we are neighbors this is not going to be easy. Any suggestions?
stillhere Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Of course it's not an option to move!! Everlong, since you are so for it, i'm sure you can fund the move for her. H*ll, buy her the house she needs to get far, far away. Money must be no option for you. You weren't giving her advice, you were telling her what to do and then trying to ram it down her throat! FF, you did the right thing for you. If you left your H, i'm almost 100% positive he would not follow suit. Men rarely leave. It's the unknown that they are afraid of. This is quite the predicament. It's hard enough working with my MM, let alone living next door. It would be heaven while you're together, but living h*ll when you aren't. You're going to have to avoid him completely, until friendship is possible. Or at least i think. Can you 2 be only friends. Does he respect your boundaries you set in place. I'm not sure what to tell you. I wish you much luck, i'm afraid you may need it.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Are you still going to end your marriage anyway? With or without him? You just seem more concerned about hurting him than your own husband and children... The only way you can make this alot easier is to move.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Well I talked to MM today he called and we talked for a while. I wanted to see where we were going and he told me to leave my h and he would follow. I told hm do not leave W because of me and I am not leaving H because of you. We should both leave our marriages because we are unhappy. He told me he loved me and did not want to end anything (of course not). I said I needed NC for as long as it took to get over him. He did not agree and I hung up phone before he could reply. He said before I hung up he wanted to talk to me face to face and then i clicked. I was not going to reply to your thread - it is a little bit too close to home. I also have something for my H's bestfriend. But we - yes, both of use - are working to preserve the friendship and the families we have so we are on NC forever. Even when he visits, I do not talk to him other than something very short and platonic. AND we do not allow ourselves to be alone together. You do not have to move. It's impractical. But you do need to keep your distance - both physically and emotionally. Be very plain with him. Keep your emotions inside you. And don't look at him in the eyes (well, at least, I can't look at my MM's eyes.) It is not easy. There are good and bad days. But overall, I guarantee you that you will feel FREE when you don't have to constantly have to think about him. It is draining to have to feel for someone you can't have. Realize that you are living in a fantasy right now. THere is no way in the world that your MM will leave his W for YOU. You wanna know how I can be so sure? Hint: He is scared of his W. (Need I say more?) That's a BIG, glaring, red flag waving in front of your eyes every day! What works for me? Meditation. Focus your energy onto your children's future. Redirect all your love to your children. Overflow them with attention and cheers. Love them like you would want to be loved. I have 3 kids and a devoted H of 10 years. They are my anchor. Every time one of my kids kisses me on the cheeks... I can't be more thankful of what I do have. Give your H a chance to express his love for you. You'd be ... delighted to find that there's something there. I don't know if this is going to be relevant, but I'm going to tell you the story anyway. When my MM and I were still in our blissful states, I suggested that we leave our spouses for each other. His first reaction was, concern that he'd never see me again. He knew then (even before I did) that my H would not divorce me even if he discoved the A. He knew that we would work on our M and he (MM) would be left out of the picture.... I don't know about you, but love that deep just melts my heart. My point is, I think how you MM reacted to the idea of being discovered is very telling of the kind of person he is. He is a closet guy. You can say anything you want to your H, and he would deny it all. AND he'll pretend to be working on his M to apease his W while wooing you all over again. That's what I see from what you've posted. I'm sorry if I've assumed more than I should have.
whichwayisup Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 KnowHowLoveFeels, that was excellent advice! Though, it will only work if FF really wants it to be over.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Also, I think it's vey sneaky of him to suggest that YOU leave your H FIRST and then he follows. WTF????? Does he know how long a divorce procedure takes?? It totally shows ME that he doesn't trust you, and that he wants to put you on a disavantage. This guy is scum and he is LUCKY that his W is still with him! (I'll bet you are not his first OW either!) Brush him off completely. A guy like that - one who serves himself first - wouldn't even get a second look from me. I'm sure you are busy as is. (WWIU, thanks! )
Meaplus3 Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 KnowHowLoveFeels, that was excellent advice! Though, it will only work if FF really wants it to be over. Knowhowlovefeels, I so AGREE with whichwayisup! GREAT advice:) ! I love what you said about keeping your distance emotionally and physically. I am in a pretty much the same situation as above and this does seem to work! I also NEVER look MM in the eye's anymore because that alone can suck me right back in! AP:)
stillafool Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 my husband is friends with him via me and they are both very ego driven men and they will probably have some sort of physical altercation and second my husband will definately leave me if he even thought I was attracted to him. Third maybe I should tell mm I will tell his wife if he contacts me -maybe too harsh what do you think? I don't understand why you are worrying about your H leaving you when you said you felt no guilt from sleeping with this guy because of how unhappy you are in your Marriage. If you are unhappy leave your h, get a divorce and get the man you want (who is unattached).
BUTAFLY Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 I don't understand why you are worrying about your H leaving you when you said you felt no guilt from sleeping with this guy because of how unhappy you are in your Marriage. If you are unhappy leave your h, get a divorce and get the man you want (who is unattached). I was going to point that out too. * If this man loved you, he wouldn't say 'you go first' he would say 'What must I do to prove to you', and he'll go first. * If this is love you wouldn't be concerned with your husband leaving you. *If this were love he would respect you wish for NC. * If this were love you both would be excited for your futher together. Not terrified to leave UR unsatisfying lives. * He is not going to leave his wife because he already told you he wanted to work on his M. * He may have said is wife treats him ,but did he say he does not love her? * he goes MIA for a few days & then calls wisphering sweet nothings in your hear, and just like, that your back in bed. Its a trick they all use! I know how this story ends..like so many others. You will both stay in your "miserable" marriages and wait until you die to be happy. You will go through the motions like a good wife all the while wondering what could have been. Not what it could have been like to be with MM, but to be happy. If you are so unhappy in ur M then you need to do some serious soul searching and make the right decision for you. MM should not be a factor. But something tells me you decided you're unhappy when this A started. I could be wrong. Only you can answer that.
PoshPrincess Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 FF, you did the right thing for you. If you left your H, i'm almost 100% positive he would not follow suit. Men rarely leave. It's the unknown that they are afraid of. I have to say I agree with StillHere on this one! It was my first thought when I read that comment too. It doesn't seem that men have the strength to take the risk Don't do anything rash. Avoid contact with your MM and take a long hard look at your own marriage to see whether you think that's worth saving. If not, end that first before starting a relationship with ANYONE else. That's when I knew my R with my son's father was beyond saving - when I cheated and didn't feel guilty about it - as I have always had such a guilty conscience that I would feel bad if I even talked to another guy on a night out, yet all of a sudden here I was having a full-blown PA and trying to justifying it by the fact that I was miserable at home. What I should have done was faced up to issues at home and left before it ever got that far. Luckily for me my ex is a great man and good father and we have a brilliant relationship for the sake of our son. I don't think it would have been quite that simple if he ever found out I had an A! Be warned.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 I love all your advice is is so true. The hard part is he is like a addiction that I need to kick and every hour I got through is one hour closer to healing myself and my family. I will try to work on my H , but if that is not going to work out I will end it. As far as MM my friend thinks he will do anything to get back in the door because that is how selfish he is!! I love the quote if he was ready to leave why would he want me to go first why would he not say what do I have to do to prove I am serious. I
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Well they were right and i am so mad at MM. he came over today breaking NC using his kids as a way to get over to play with mine. i told him to leave and he said me no and then just started joking saying he does not want to give me time to get over him. He said he needed me emotionally and physically. I told him i could not. I asked him what he wanted and he told me to wait for him. To do what i have no idea. Then he said okay fine I will give your time to get over me . He ended it by telling me he would call me tomorrow. Was this a power play because I broke it off first ? Why is he playing mind games it is driving me crazy? What does he want from me and what do I want from him. Unfortunately neither of us know. I was doing so good with NC and he could not stand that I was moving on without him so he had to come over to f with my head. What should I tell him next. The problem is i still love him in the biggest way and I know he loves me he just is not ready to give up his comfortable life and neither am I. Pretty pathetic but we are not sure where we are going.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 What should I tell him next. Uhmm, maybe tell him to F OFF! He is disrespecting your wishes, which is to leave you alone and get over him. He has you on a string, and when he feels he needs/wants the ego feed, he pulls on it and gets a reaction out of you. Send him ONE email explaining that it is OVER and he cannot contact you again. Let him know that if he does contact you, you WILL call the police and charge him with harrassment...(Just an option.) If you let him push you around this is going to go on for a long time...Could you see yourself in another year still alone, and him with his wife? You deserve better than this...
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 I wish I could send him a email he has fed me some line of bull that his wife has his password so nothing is safe. Why is he playing so many games why wont he let me go and then he will.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 p.s. i am not alone I am still married.
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 I wish I could send him a email he has fed me some line of bull that his wife has his password so nothing is safe. Why is he playing so many games why wont he let me go and then he will. Why are you even bothering with this man? What is it that you LOVE about him? Forget how he makes you feel - Step back abit and look at the full picture here...Is he worth all this energy? p.s. i am not alone I am still married. Do you still plan on leaving your husband anyway? Or are you going to work on your marriage? What does this MM provide for you that your husband doesn't. Other than 'crush feelings' and sex, what is it that has drawn you away from your husband to this MM?
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 20, 2006 Author Posted October 20, 2006 Because before the PA started we weere bf did everything together. He made laugh for the first time in along time. We had tons of fun and I felt like I could be myself around him . We were together almost everyday doing all kinds of things together .
whichwayisup Posted October 20, 2006 Posted October 20, 2006 Do you love your husband still? If the MM was NOT part of your life, would the love for your husband still be there? IF not, you might as well divorce him and let him be with someone who will love him. If you do, then go to marriage counselling and find that friendship again with your husband, instead of having an intimate one with another woman's husband.
stillafool Posted October 21, 2006 Posted October 21, 2006 When you said MM came over..... You let him come into your husband's home?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 26, 2006 Author Posted October 26, 2006 Okay here is the deal we cannot stop doing things together. We keep involving our families and we keep going out as couples. Either one of us has had the strength to follow NC. We go back and forth with let's just be friends to let's be more than friends to me saying I need distance and time to get over you. MM's reply is always the same which is no I cannot let you go. I always say I will be back when I am over you and MM says I do not want you to get over me. We are not being intimate as of right now because we are both so screwed up about our situation. Everytime i intiate NC he comes back with I need you emotionally, physically and mentally. I told him today goodbye and to give me space and I know that is the right thing to do for both of us and especially me. He backpeddled and said he loved me and did not want that and he cannot understand why I am not okay with being friends until he figures what he is going to do with W and life. I personally don't think he is ever going to make a decision and he is worried I am ready to leave my H and he thinks it is because of him, but it isn't. I am not asking to leave his W for me. I am saying to leave because he is so miserable and I know this because I am his BF. We both really love being with each other and care about each other , but because we have kids we are having a tough time trying to come up with any sort of rational that will let us be together. I also think he does not have the courage to leave right now and I feel like space is truly what we both need, but he takes it like you don't want to be my friend . My reply is always the same maybe someday, but not right now. I cannot stand the thought of another NC that turns bad, but hwat else do i have left.
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I was going to point that out too. * If this man loved you, he wouldn't say 'you go first' he would say 'What must I do to prove to you', and he'll go first. * If this is love you wouldn't be concerned with your husband leaving you. *If this were love he would respect you wish for NC. * If this were love you both would be excited for your futher together. Not terrified to leave UR unsatisfying lives. * He is not going to leave his wife because he already told you he wanted to work on his M. * He may have said is wife treats him ,but did he say he does not love her? * he goes MIA for a few days & then calls wisphering sweet nothings in your hear, and just like, that your back in bed. Its a trick they all use! I know how this story ends..like so many others. You will both stay in your "miserable" marriages and wait until you die to be happy. You will go through the motions like a good wife all the while wondering what could have been. Not what it could have been like to be with MM, but to be happy. If you are so unhappy in ur M then you need to do some serious soul searching and make the right decision for you. MM should not be a factor. But something tells me you decided you're unhappy when this A started. I could be wrong. Only you can answer that. JUST WANTED TO ADD SOMETHING IN HERE...HAVEN'T FINISHED READING EVERYTHING YET..BUT YOU TELL THIS HE MUST MAKE A DECISION AND HE THROWS IT BACK AT YOU TELLING U TO MAKE A PLAN! THAT'S WAS NOT FAIR. THEN BECAUSE OF THAT U USE NC AND HE USES HIS OLD TRICKS ON U TO BREAK NC AND SEE HIM AGAIN - HE IS A MANIPULATOR.
Guest Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 i am sorry u are having such a tough time with this. but i am a little confused about everything so i don't know how much advice i can offer u. part of my problem is people use things like MM, PA, EC, WWHHFT, etc. and often the 'path' of the story gets sidetracked. this is what i do to 'examine' and ask for advice. think of this as an essay and do an outline. for example: colums You, BF, MM, MW, and whoever else what you want, what they want situation etc. I just find it easier that way.
stillafool Posted October 26, 2006 Posted October 26, 2006 I'm sorry I don't want to be so judgemental but.....GROW THE F--- UP!!!!!!! What should you do? You should stop getting together with your families and involving your husband and kids and his wife and kids in your filth. That is so disrespectful and this whole thing is going to blow up in your faces! Do you really think you can keep treating innocent people the way the two of you do and get away with it? If you were sincere about NC you wouldn't get together with your families.
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 27, 2006 Author Posted October 27, 2006 I am the mw and my neighbor is the mm. We have gone NC for the last 24 hrs. I know no big deal. I have been mad all day and then i saw him and i just started crying. He did not see me cry. I cannot believe how much hurt and sadness I feel. I now know we are both finally going through with it. he hasn't called me all day like he usually does and I have not called him. However, I was outside with my kids and he screamed something over which I ignored. Was this a ploy to get a reaction out of me? I would prefer stillafool not respond as that response was completely out of line. I already know the things above that is why I am not talking to him. How can he mad at me for holding up my part of the bargain and for what he said he wanted which was to be just friends. I told him I needed time away from him before that could happen so why won't he just let it be.
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