forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I am mw with 3 kids and mm is my neighbor. He has 2 kids. It started about 11 months ago as friends . He always leaned on me for advice about his W and told me how horrible she was to him. I didn't believe him until I met her. W is someone who brought her failed past marriage into her second. She is controlling , rude and downright mean to him. However, when she is with me my H or other people she is very nice. Well our kids are bf as well and play all the time. MM and i started going places all time. I know EA, but did not see it coming until I read up on it. Very naive because I have been married 10yrs. When we are together so much fun and laughs, it is like a breath of fresh air since both spouses are very controlling. We have been away on trips with them and the last one was the deal breaker. MM told me he loved me . I was shocked but also said it too and really meant it. Nothing happened until we came back and met somewhere to have a PA. i felt no guilt , but he did and told me he was going to work on M. I felt no guilt because i have been unhappy in m for a long time and i have changed. i told mm to work on his marriage and by by. The next day he called me four times from work in a panic I was ending it. So we settled for friends . That worked for two days and then back to PA. We can't stay away form each other and it does not help we are both weak and conviently close. In the meantime i have lost 15 lbs in 4 weeks and cannot sleep or concentrate. i have been on the rollercoaster with him in his marriage and then in my own. Tried NC but now he does not believe me. i told him if you love someone set them free saying he told me I won't let you go.I gave him ultimatum to leave because his m is horrible or if not i am out. he told me to think of a plan. I need to take drastic measures. This has to end. He told me to call him at work and I did and he told me he is busy to call me back later. He hasn't yet called and my ? is this the way you treat someone you love. Should I NC the entire family to get over him and move on with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 i am not trying to sound harsh or mean but i will never get how people do these things...how someone can be in a relationship, and struggling, and the same for the other, and the 'solution' for both is to have an affair, instead of simply working on the problems...see, i think what this is about is not wanting to do the tough work...hey, its much easier to just not 'fix' things and just go have fun right? and i guess the answer to being able to do that is in what you said...no guilt....when you have no guilt, you have taken no responsiblity for your actions, and, i guess i never thought it possible for someone to never feel guilty...what is the term for someone that can hurt others and not feel any remorse...? anyone know? but hey, to each their own...if that's how you live yer life...how am i to judge ya Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 It is easy to judge when you are not in the situation, but there are a lot of factors working against you trying to work it out like neither spouse agreeing to MC or both in denial of problem, or both are control freaks and don't want to lose control . Not to mention the kids. Not saying it is right but you cannot judge unless you have been in those persons shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 i totally agree forbidden..that's why i included 'who am i to judge the actions of others'...i am not them, i am not in their situation... all i was simply saying is when there is a log in the middle of the road and you want to keep driving, get rid of the log first...instead of travelling around or over the log, just remove it and that way you stay on the road instead of going into the ditch... did that make sense? hmmmmmmm...maybe not...lol Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 I felt no guilt because i have been unhappy in m for a long time and i have changed. MM aside, you need to either fix your own marriage or get a divorce. And he must decide what he needs to do. If by chance you both end up divorcing your spouses, then you two can be together. It will be really hard seeing as they are kids involved..... No good can come of your situation as of now. You both are going to get hurt, let alone hurt your spouses...It's only a matter of time before they clue in, or a nosey neighbour "gossips" and they hear about it through them... If your spouses refuse marriage counselling and don't want to fix the marriage, divorce is the only answer. Why else stay? Consider some one on one therapy to help you cope through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 Not sure I am following I really do need some concrete advice not something general Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 What are you asking then? How to keep going with this affair, or do you want to end it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 I want to end it but he never believes me because i keep going back when he says all the right things and I know better, but so far nc has not worked because i am like the boy who cried wolf , but I really do want to end it because of my kids. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 You need to stand strong and NOT allow yourself to fall into his trap. He knows what control he has over you, so fight it hard! Start focussing on the negative things about him if he pops into your head. Then make a big effort to detach, and push him out of your head completely. You could also tell your husband the truth and see if your own marriage improves. Maybe it is the wakeup call so you two can go to marriage counselling and give it all your best, for the sake of the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 i am sorry you are having so much difficult with this...and the fact, that you say you want to, and have even stated that you want to for your kids...but can't - when you continue to do something even knowing your kids are impacted means that perhaps you should get some professional help regarding this...ususally when children are involved thats enuff to stop everything...i wish you all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 my husband is friends with him via me and they are both very ego driven men and they will probably have some sort of physical altercation and second my husband will definately leave me if he even thought I was attracted to him. Third maybe I should tell mm I will tell his wife if he contacts me -maybe too harsh what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 everlong is right, you do need therapy to help you get stronger. Your kids wellbeing is hanging on a thread. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but the truth of it is, too many innocent people are going to get hurt if you two don't end it 100%. Maybe it's time to move away from the neighbours. IF that is what it will take to end it, then do just that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 everlong i hear what you are saying, but we live next door to each other and see each other at least 10 times a day-should i move? nc is very hard-i agree with you about therapy Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 my husband is friends with him via me and they are both very ego driven men and they will probably have some sort of physical altercation and second my husband will definately leave me if he even thought I was attracted to him. Third maybe I should tell mm I will tell his wife if he contacts me -maybe too harsh what do you think? Deal with your own marriage, I mean, you say you're not happy in your marriage, right? So why are you still there if he's refusing to go to counselling? OFCOURSE your husband would beat the crap out of him if and when he finds out about you two. Just like his wife, she'll go after you as well! Remember, if you tell his wife, he could go to your husband and put just as much heat into your life in a not-so-good way...Be careful, think about the full picture here...The kids. Yours and theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 which way I have tried to end many tmes it worked for three days and he came crawling back .My brain says yes, but my heart says no remeber i would have to end friendship also with everyone right? I am the stronger of the two he would just keep this going I am not sure if he i a classic cake eater or if he truly loves me Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 I would not actually tell his wife, but I would tell him that because he is scared of her and does not want her to know anything. hwever he always wants to have sex in their house in his bedroom -they have separate bedrooms. I have always said no way. Is he trying to get caught so he does not have to do the hard work. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 If you two truely loved eachother, then you'd confess to your spouses, divorce and be together. It would take alot of patience and understanding because of the kids...And ALL of you would have to put aside resentment and anger, and put the kids first. The reality is, (sorry) from what you've told me...I can't see that actually happening. OFcourse living so close IS a problem, it's abit hard to go complete NC, so moving might be best. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 he thinks we can be together, but he wants me to come up with a plan. I thnk he is waiting to see if I leave my husband first. I don't think he will ever leave her because he is scared just as I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 the other problem is we just moved into our house so moving is not a option Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 "OF COURSE your husband would beat the crap out of him if and when he finds out about you two. Just like his wife, she'll go after you as well!" sorry to sound harsh but you are just making using excuses to justify inaction. first of all, if your husband would react by resorting to violence upon knowing then, he doesn't sound that great either. i am going to be blunt and honest - the fact that you live next door is a por excuse and saying u just moved in as a reason for staying means you are placing moving ahead of yer kids...at every turn, when it is inconveint to you, but hurtful to those who should matter to you [kids] you choose yourself. jebus. i would move away in a second. that's a piece of cake. and if you see him ten times a day that means you are making yourslef available to him 10 times a day. you need to do something that will give you some sense of self-esteem back, you are sabotaging your inner self day after day - and for what? do u know how easy it really is to end this misery you keep inflicting on yerself and others? think about it...it takes a couple of days to move...how long has this gone on for... my suggestion to you is to stop listening to yourself because you are tricking yourself and fooling yourself and others, and get in touch with someone that you WILL LISTEN to...believe in. one last note- this thread started in the romantic section - i think that's the wrong place...sounds tragic to me...so much hurt going on for romance i wish you all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 I beleve this post started out in man/ woman not romance. Well moving is definately not a option . So what is your next thought if any .The only saving grace is he away alot because of his job . Why wont he end , when I want to . Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 ok...i really am trying to help here...explain why moving is not an option... and why does him 'not ending' impact your decision to end things. look if you have been clear to him, and he continues, call the cops - he is harrassing you. second, stop focussing on him - you say you are married right? where the heck is he during all this? surely if he lives with you and this guy is next door, and this has gone on forever, he must know something! if not, leaving hubby out of the loop means you really are not doing everything you can do. i really don't see what the problem is with what information u have provided. Link to post Share on other sites
Author forbidden fruit Posted October 14, 2006 Author Share Posted October 14, 2006 thanks for your advice , but the problem is we are all friends and we go out together as couples with children and we go away together so it is not that black and white. Link to post Share on other sites
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 well, i really should stop handing out the advice regarding this. it would appear that u have already justified and created a 'list' of reasons to keep you in the same situation. i am not in your situation and i am not u, so my advice really is meaningless. all i can tell you is that, if i was in your situation, there is nothing [that you have already stated] that would be more important than my kids. see, the funny thing is the more we take the easy why out on things the more harder it gets to do the tough work. you entered into this situation because it suited your situation, and you would rather continue with the status quo, because the desruption it would cause you is more important than [friends, family, kids]. taking responsibility for your actions is a tough thing - i know - been there. i was in a situation where to do the right thing, meant i had to rock the boat and change my life, or continue on a downward trend...i choose change...and it was so much easier than i thought it would be.. i really do wish you much luck but i think my advice is not needed...all the best Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted October 14, 2006 Share Posted October 14, 2006 thanks for your advice , but the problem is we are all friends and we go out together as couples with children and we go away together so it is not that black and white. I am in a VERY similar sitiuation. If you want to end this you need to NOT hang out as couples!!!! You need to decide if you want to work thing's out with H or File for a DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I understand far to well that NC with mm when he lives next door is almost impossible, but if you make a STRONG effort not to look over his way and avoid him as much as possible you will find it get's easier. My A with MM has been going on for almost a year now. Started as an EA, we have had some PA contact but no SEX. It was not until now that I realized that if we don't STOP this we will hurt so many people. I guess my overall advice is figure out what you want and quickly! AP:) Link to post Share on other sites
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