bchlvr Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Thank you in advance for reading my post. I know it's long. This is my first thread telling my story and because it's somewhat complicated, I can't seem to shorten it. I dated my ex for only 5 months. We are in our late 40's early 50's. Although it was a short period of time that we were together, there was every indication that we were moving toward a long term committed relationship. She told me that being with me felt like "finding home," she had never been happier, never felt like this before. Even up to the last week before she dumped me, she wrote me a note saying that she was in such a good place in her life, in part because of our relationship. She affectionately referred to my son as our son. Her decision to end the relationship was a complete shock as was the way she went about it. The reason she gave was that there was a lot of tension between me and my 9 year old son. I adopted a child who has special needs and serious psychiatric issues. For years I've been getting professional help and therapeutic intervention both for him and for me. My challenges coping are formidable but I've made progress albeit slowly. Because of the nature of these difficulties and my own problems managing my son's behavior, my coping skills are not what they should be. I would get overwhelmed, frustrated and angry with him, trying to manage his behavior when he would get out of control. I would also have trouble bouncing back, to be nurturing and affectionate again. She was aware of all the issues soon after we got together. But, I'm sure experiencing them was another story. At the very end, she said that this tension was a trigger for her, she identified with my son ( a child who has a lot of pent up sadness and rage)and saw in me, her mother. What's that all about??? I was invested in this relationship. I felt I loved her and that there was so much good between the two of us and with the three of us, even with the bad times. I wanted so much to work things out, to discuss her concerns and explore options. I suggested seeking help together if necessary, to make things more harmonious at home. She expressed absolutely no interest in discussing anything. She just said that she didn't see us continuing this relationship but wanted to be friends. I was shocked to learn of her decision to end things over e-mail. She started to talk in a way I had not experienced before. She started to say cruel things to me, asserted that I was jealous, possessive, and had other traits that have no basis in reality. Then she admitted that for the last month of the relationship she was having contact with her most recent ex ( a women she dated long distance for a few months) via e-mail. She talked about how good her ex looks and how much progress she has made because of therapy and how happier she is. She said that she wasn't over her and her heart was pulled in two directions. She was planning on seeing her ex and if things went well, then she'd make future plans. I could hardly believe what I was hearing. I could understand having some residual feelings for an ex, but to stir the pot of an old love interest felt like a total betrayal. I had no idea that she and her ex were re-kindling a "friendship" over e-mail. I realize that there are a number of factors probably contributing to why she dumped me. But I cannot let go of the idea that I destroyed what was otherwise a loving relationship on the path toward commitment. If only I was able to be a better parent and better at managing my son's behavior, this would not have happened. And I am worried that my issues are so formidable it will be very difficult to find a partner willing to put up with tension that to some degree is inevitable given my circumstances. This is where I'm stuck. And in addition, she ended things so suddenly and swiftly, I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Even after 4 months since the break up, I still feel this way. I thought I would be over it by now. I have been in NC since the break up and have been doing all the right things to move on: keeping busy, re-invigorating my interests, going out and being social. I cannot seem to get her off my mind. Even when I'm concentrating on other things, when it's over, thoughts of my ex creep back into my mind. I'm in therapy and god knows I talk about this every week. So, I'm interested to hear your perspective. I also wonder if others who have been dumped following a short relationship, find that they are still preoccupied with the person and the relationship for a long time afterward. What has helped you shake it?
SurvivingHB Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 You are doing great. Do you feel that you think about her less and less? If that's true, you are heading to the right direction. I am also seeing my psychologist every week and it helps. I don't really think I can completely forget about him, but I am getting better slowly. I guess that's the only thing we can do. Keep up the good work. We will reach there someday.
riobikini Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Through my own experiences, I can tell you that five months isn't really enough time for most people to make heads or tails of whether someone should be a permanent addition to your family, or not. And especially with your special circumstances involving your son. It sounds to me like you were "primed and ready" for someone -anyone, nearly- to come into your life and be "the one". It just happened to be someone who -according to the detail I'm reading from your post- was, perhaps, dealing with as many issues that needed therapy as much as you did. Except maybe she *wasn't* (or had ever been) dealing with her issues, as you have been. So her presence was a little like fireworks on the Fourth of July: she lit up your not-so-bright world for a few "moments" -and then she was gone, just as quickly as she came. Who knows what was in her mind when she appeared; it could have been any one's guess. But I have a few thoughts about what could possibly cause someone to behave as she did. Keep in mind that no one (except her) truly *knows*. Rebounding from her previous affair could have been one answer. And yet, she might just be one of those people who roam in and out of brief relationships, staying only long enough to be "thrilled" for a time, and never really forming stable, long-term, meaningful relationships with anyone. There are far too many of those types of people out there, ready and more than willing to enter into other people's lives just long enough to make a mess, cause a lot of pain, and jump to the next relationship without batting an eyelash, and leaving you in the wake, wondering what the heck went wrong. Then there's the sub-type of this category who are much more intoxicated by the drama of an "unusual" relationship with someone. Unlucky you -you qualified for that by having a child with a special need for therapy, something that seems to enhance the opportunity for these types of people to feed off of to feel "alive", attract attention, and impress others with 'their' "sacrifice" in helping you deal with your son. Thirdly -and giving her the farthest-reaching benefit of the doubt I can muster- she might have actually begun to care for both of you, but found it beyond what she believed she was capable of handling, in regards to being the "mom" of a child with psychological problems, and a dad (her prospective husband-to-be) who was having difficulty himself in handling that particular responsibility. We could go on and on with dreaming up possible answers, but -as you know- the only real answer should (must) come from *her*, if you really want to know. As far as my own experiences with letting someone go? I believe it's a process -whether we want to admit it, or not. It is. Some, for one reason or another, we can let go of sooner than others, -and some, we just have to hang onto a little longer until the scab falls away, the new skin forms underneath, and we wait a little breathlessly to see if there's gonna be a scar or not- and evaluate the chances of the degrees it might fade. (Smile) And there's only one or two really major things that are immediately important with all of this: it's whether or not you gained a little more wisdom after having experienced it, -and didn't close the book on the possibilities of true love ever happening. You'll heal on the outside -just make sure you let yourself heal on the inside, too. And don't ever close the book on love. Take care. -Rio
fireflywy Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I wanted to thank you Rio. In reading that response, I also found something valuable. Thank you once again.
AtAGlance Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Hi bchlvr - I'm in a similar situation myself. I knew my ex vaguely for a year before we got together. We were together for 4 months. On the day I thought he was coming round to help me move into his house he dumped me. He wasn't unkind, he just wasn't ready to get serious and wanted the relationship to stop before I got in too deep. Too late ! I was in up to my neck and getting deeper by the day !!!! Anyway that was 11 months ago. Once we had sorted things out there was a period of NC, then a few texts, then NC for 6 weeks, then a few emails, then NC for a couple of months and so it went on. At the moment it is about 2 months of NC. We are always gentle with each other and there has never been a cross word between us. Rightly or wrongly we have been there for each other in our darkest moments - although we know the relationship will never restart. So where am I now ? well some days I manage not to think about him but on others my head is so full of him I want to scream out loud. Mostly my head is full of him. Why ? 4 months is no time at all. I should be well past him now. The only explanation I can give (and maybe this is the same for you) is that after 4 months it was still a new shiny relationship with no arguments and us both still on our best behaviour. It was a very intense relationship, and there were no bad times. So I remember a glorious relationship where everything was perfect. When I think of him I think of my perfect man who would have made my life perfect - no wonder I won't give up the dream. the only thing I can say bchlvr is stick at it - learn to distract your mind (songs are good) - it's exhausting but some days I get home from work and realise I haven't thought about him for hours - it's very liberating. GOOD LUCK
Author bchlvr Posted October 19, 2006 Author Posted October 19, 2006 Thank you all so much for taking time to offer very thoughtful responses. As far as letting go, "At A Glance," I liked what you said about the "new shiny" relationship, where everyone is on their best behavior, makes it hard to give up that dream. How true. We miss the idealized relationship and that too is a loss along with the actual relationship. Surviving HB, thank you for your encouragement. It helps to remember that healing is a slow process, like Rio's analogy. Rio, thank you for your insights. They were very helpful and you have given me a lot to think about. One of the things I've learned from this experience is how important it is to take time to become comfortable on my own again (not rebound) so that in the future I am better able to seek out a relationship for healthy reasons and make better choices. I don't want the motivation to be trying to avoid the sometimes scary, lonely, anxious experience of not being in a relationship. I agree Rio, that I was primed and ready for "the one" to come into my life. When you shared your impression that I was primed for someone, nearly anyone, I had to really think about that. I always thought of myself as fairly discriminating and patient even when it's challenging. But perhaps, not. One of my fears is that my feelings of longing and being lonesome for a love relationship comes off as desperate. So, I was wondering if something in my post that indicated that. Again, thank you all.
riobikini Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 re: bchlvr: "One of my fears is that my feelings of longing and being lonesome for a love relationship comes off as desperate. So, I was wondering if something in my post that indicated that." B, it wasn't in any particular thing you said, but anyone who is bright enough -and may have a pattern of not staying very long in a relationship- may view your situation with your son as one that sets you farther apart from the mainstream than most men, in regards to (perhaps) attracting only a limited number of women available who might be receptive to the situation. That doesn't mean that *you* are *unattractive* to women -it's just that because of your special circumstances with your son, you will have to develop better screening methods to choose only those who can deal better with the situation (e.g. more psychologically and socially mature, more understanding, more compassionate, and more apt to meet all the "criteria" you need for *yourself* and your son.) In the long run, you're more likely to be better off, if you develop screening methods that are more *timely*, and *deliberately* look for the *long-term potential* of your prospective partner. I think there's a couple more things, too, that might help with lessening the chances of latching onto the "fly-by-night" type, or those who are immature, or unstable, or someone who learns she is really not "cut out" to be the "mom" of a special-needs child, and can't handle the added responsibility. One suggestion that might work for you is having some really good female friends to help you with "feedback" in discussion about your dates -plus, you'll probably wind up learning more in their company about women and relationships, in general, than you would ever expect. So listen -and learn. It helps to have someone watching your back. Another thing is to learn how -and when- to bring up the subject about your son. Look for the *right approach* to use when introducing the concerns you have with your son, and learn how to evaluate response. (This will take thought, effort, and practice). Don't expect that you'll just *know* the right lady when she shows up -give the information plenty of time to sink in, and keep the outside pressure low on the outcome. Try not to be too hasty in any decision. These are just a few things I think might help you -I think the main problem may be that you are just so aware of your situation and in your gut you know it's going to take a really special lady to fill the bill -for you (and your son). I also think it's pretty normal to have a bit of anxiety over it -and, maybe you feel -at times- as if life might just be passing you by -but I don't think it will. (Smile). I just think you haven't met the person who's as special as you and your son. Yet. -Rio
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