Island Girl Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 It has nothing NOTHING to do with beauty (remember, I've never seen this girl). I'm not saying this woman is a good deal - I for sure am saying she's got problems but people like that can be 'fixed' for sure. I got fixed! There is hope! I wish I could tell those guys to call me on my actions. Girls like these are ripe for an abuser too. I see now that I was begging to be treated badly. Like somehow that would validate that I really was nothing or undeserving or something. Thankfully that didn't happen to me but I know it does to some women.
Confuggled_one Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Hey, Thanks for your response.. i also dont wanna high jack this thread.. would it be okay if i started a thread called "ISLAND GIRL'S SUGGETION THREAD" or something of the sort? What if my ex keeps msging me.. tellin me about things and stuff. shoudl i care about her? should i even respond to her? she sends me some stuff through msn like songs.. do you have MSN or AIM? if you do, would you care to share?
Author budd98 Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 I really appreciate all of the advice and everyones thoughts. They are helping me a great deal. I do have another question though. She still has ALL of my clothes and bathroom stuff at her place, but I refuse to talk to her. I have gone 1.5 days without calling her and I don't want to be the one that does. I have'nt even texted her until tonight, but that was a reply to her text. She told me that she hoped I had a good day in the morning and I said thank u. And then she wrote me again tonight asking how work went and I told her good. Finally she wrote "sorry to bother you gnite". And I said u did'nt bother me and that was it. What does everyone think of her messages? Is it a good sign? What do u think I should do about my stuff at her place?
Confuggled_one Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I really appreciate all of the advice and everyones thoughts. They are helping me a great deal. I do have another question though. She still has ALL of my clothes and bathroom stuff at her place, but I refuse to talk to her. I have gone 1.5 days without calling her and I don't want to be the one that does. I have'nt even texted her until tonight, but that was a reply to her text. She told me that she hoped I had a good day in the morning and I said thank u. And then she wrote me again tonight asking how work went and I told her good. Finally she wrote "sorry to bother you gnite". And I said u did'nt bother me and that was it. What does everyone think of her messages? Is it a good sign? What do u think I should do about my stuff at her place? she will keep your stuff.. i say let it go. those are just a few excuses for her to contact you later on. as for the msgs... she is just keepin you there.. keepin you as a back burner.. she doesnt wanna be with you but she wants you there for her.. i hope this helpss! and i hope im right. that's just my PoV.. cause that's what happened to me
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I think you should show up at her door when you know she is home and pick up ALL of your stuff. -- She will notice you took everything. If she asks how you are be really pleasant. If she wants to talk about the relationship - disregard what she wants and say exactly what is true - bluntly - "I need to figure some things out". Don't say anything else about it. No matter how much she begs or pleads or tries to fight. No matter what she says - just say either "I told you I need to figure some things out" - or - "whatever". So you get your stuff back and then she will be scared of losing you - see she knows she has all your stuff. You going to have to see or talk to her so she is sitting pretty so to speak. She isn't worried it's over because she'll get to talk to you again. And she knows if she talks to you, no matter how angry you are, or how hurt, she can get you to come around to wanting to be with her again. She just plays the trump card -- the "I care about you so much and you are just treating me like this! Walking away from me and hurting me!" Usually accompanied by tears. Then if you walk away you're a jerk. You're stomping on her heat and walking out. You're probably not the guy that would ever REALLY do that so if she puts that spin on it -- you aren't goin' anywhere. Don't fall into the traps. Get space boy howdy and make her do the work to come to you. It can't be at her house. It can't be because of your clothes. It has to be her coming to you for no other reason than "I want to talk about being back together" in some form or fashion. Hopefully you have been reading about the boundaries, etc. And don't let her cross those lines and set them for yourself too - don't cross them.
Loserdude Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Hey, Thanks for your response.. i also dont wanna high jack this thread.. would it be okay if i started a thread called "ISLAND GIRL'S SUGGETION THREAD" or something of the sort? What if my ex keeps msging me.. tellin me about things and stuff. shoudl i care about her? should i even respond to her? she sends me some stuff through msn like songs.. do you have MSN or AIM? if you do, would you care to share? Read my post that says "Yikes" It contains a very helpful e-mail from a friend of mine who helped me deal with a kooky girl...
Loserdude Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I really appreciate all of the advice and everyones thoughts. They are helping me a great deal. I do have another question though. She still has ALL of my clothes and bathroom stuff at her place, but I refuse to talk to her. I have gone 1.5 days without calling her and I don't want to be the one that does. I have'nt even texted her until tonight, but that was a reply to her text. She told me that she hoped I had a good day in the morning and I said thank u. And then she wrote me again tonight asking how work went and I told her good. Finally she wrote "sorry to bother you gnite". And I said u did'nt bother me and that was it. What does everyone think of her messages? Is it a good sign? What do u think I should do about my stuff at her place? Budd - as for your stuff, can you deal only with her parents? Didn't you say she lived with them? Just make a mature and calm call and just say you need your stuff. As for the texts, all part of the sick game she's sucking you into. She's a black hole right now, but there is hope - read and re-read Island Girl...
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Hey, Thanks for your response.. i also dont wanna high jack this thread.. would it be okay if i started a thread called "ISLAND GIRL'S SUGGETION THREAD" or something of the sort? What if my ex keeps msging me.. tellin me about things and stuff. shoudl i care about her? should i even respond to her? she sends me some stuff through msn like songs.. do you have MSN or AIM? if you do, would you care to share? I don't care about the thread -- it's as good idea as any I guess or I am going to get a messenger now -- MSN or AIM since that is the suggestion -- I'd share as long as I can figure out how to do this. (My brother helps me with this stuff. Part of the fallout of my past life, I never had to do anything for myself really ) As far as her sending you songs and stuff, I've known 'normal' girls that do that. I never did. I assume the lyrics are supposed to mean something but I never understood that. I figure it is much easier to say whatever I had to say myself instead of finding all these songs that, when you put them together, they say the same thing. Kind of juvenile really. I'd be blocking her if you are in NC mode. Just delete don't answer. But it is different if you had to dump her 'cause she is crazy. Different tactic. So maybe more history is needed. Guess I'll try to do this messenger thing. Unless I see a thread pop up.
Confuggled_one Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 ...Yes, there MAY be help but you CANNOT give it except by backing away. Maybe not far away, but you have to stop adding to the situation. It is like vinegar and baking soda (remember that?) Apart, things are calm on the shelves, but together - kaboom! She has to see the problems herself and fix them. Period. A very gifted, smart and sensitive friend of mine - Licensed therapist, wrote this to me once. I hope it helps. This small e-mail changed my life (part of it, anyway). When it comes to personality disorders, reading and understanding about the diagnosis is very helpful because the person with this diagnosis seems to push every button possible, and we learn we had buttons we didn't know we had! Having someone like this in our lives can be frustrating, heart-wrenching, annoying, and just plain confusing at times. This particular personality disorder is one of the most challenging to work with professionally, and having a romantic/personal relationship with someone with this diagnosis is challenging as well to say the least. A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is based on "object relations theory", (who we are in relation to others, being separate and our own individual/person) there are issues with attachment and abandonment. The perception of abandonment is not based on rational thinking, but more so on the fear of abandonment, and feeling as though the attachment is severing. In reality, a healthy ego accepts healthy separation. For example, parents and children separate from each other emotionally as children grow and mature into adolescents, teens, etc. Usually it's not a smooth process, letting go of parents protecting us, parents letting go of protecting their kids...you get my point. Awkward as it is, it's a necessary point in the process of growing, maturing, etc. for kids as well as their parents. Someone with a BPD for some reason(s) perhaps did not move through this natural process of separating and becoming their own person very smoothly, or with much ease or success. I apologize if this is coming across as a academic lecture. I want you to understand some of what I think you're friend is experiencing so that you can know how to strategize when talking with her. In some aspects, she is very much like a young adolescent (emotionally), and when saying "no" to her, and removing yourself from her life in the way that you've been in her life will be uncomfortable for you because she doesn't understand, she only feels hurt, abandoned, and alone. You will want to be able to explain things to her so that she understands, that will be such a relief! It's like talking to someone who doesn't like what they hear, and they keep arguing for what they want, and you have to gently, firmly stand your ground...and not offering a hundred different explanations, analogies for why this can't be the way she wants...she won't hear the verbiage, she will only hear what she's afraid of..and she doesn't know how to be with herself. Loser dude, i read your post.. some parts i dont understand. my reading comprehension sucks lol. could you explain, more in depth, about the object relations theory please? ty
Island Girl Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Well when I read it I identify with the principle that men were objects more than people to me. I guess that is why I could hurt them and disregard them at a whim. I do have abandonment issues - or did. May be I still have them I have just learned to deal with them differently. I do know it is not going to kill me to be alone. Although I am VERY afraid of people I love dying and having no one left. If that the same thing? Anyway - what I really wanted was more of a father figure I guess. Someone who set rules and boundaries for my behavior and made me respect them because they backed it up. One of the marriage proposals I said "yes" to was from a man like that. I believe I was truly willing to just be with him (although I know now I didn't love him). He was kind of emotionally unavailable. So I guess that kind of kept me in check - I never could get him to say anything I wanted whenever I wanted.
everlong Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]correct me if i am wrong - but it doesn't sound that difficult[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]the way i understand it is this disorder creates a lose-lose situation for the person that has this. there are two opposing 'issues' that come into conflict - being drawn towards someone who represents the safey and affacetion and comfort that they require [associated with and ususally related to the child / parent bonding and trust issues and whether the separation of that was harmful or not or even actually happened] but then when they feel that comfort they associate that sense of self'worth' as well as the 'need' for it and that it is devired not internally, but externally [hence the need to reasert themseleves as dettached inviduals - for protection and reassurance reasons] and there in lies the problematic nature - in that, they feel they are first comforted by and then 'deemed' not worthy because of the fact that a person gives them this comfort but that the attachment to that person, who on the one hand holds the reason in which they are drawn towards also represents the person the fear will abandon then at any time - so, isolation, and a refusal or enable to stay in long term commited relationships is difficult at best[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]am i close?[/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]
Loserdude Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Loser dude, i read your post.. some parts i dont understand. my reading comprehension sucks lol. could you explain, more in depth, about the object relations theory please? ty I think what this means, or at least how my friend related it to my experience, is that the person with the disorder does not see him/herself as her own person, but rather a mere extension of the other person. Islandgirl says that she knows that she won't die if she were alone, but there was a time when that would not be true. If you hear things like "WHat do you want me to do?!?!?" etc., it may be an indicator. Also what Island girl said is relevant.
Loserdude Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Correct me if i am wrong - but it doesn't sound that difficult the way i understand it is this disorder creates a lose-lose situation for the person that has this. there are two opposing 'issues' that come into conflict - being drawn towards someone who represents the safey and affection and comfort that they require [associated with and usually related to the child/parent bonding and trust issues and whether the separation of that was harmful or not or even actually happened] but then when they feel that comfort they associate that sense of self'worth' as well as the 'need' for it and that it is devired not internally, but externally [hence the need to reasert themseleves as dettached inviduals - for protection and reassurance reasons] and therein lies the problematic nature - in that, they feel they are first comforted by and then 'deemed' not worthy because of the fact that a person gives them this comfort but that the attachment to that person, who on the one hand holds the reason in which they are drawn towards also represents the person the fear will abandon then at any time - so, isolation, and a refusal or enable to stay in long term commited relationships is difficult at best Well, the format issues and runon sentence notwithstanding, I think that's right. I don't think we can boil it down to a few indicators but conflict that you outlined seems to fit. I used to call it a "black hole personality" - nothing escapes, not even light.
Loserdude Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Island girl - to get PMs you must go into profile and turn it on. It's not immediately given out but given your number of posts and length of membership, I would expect that you have the option.
Amour77 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I don't mean anything bad I say about her, she just tells me so many bad things about me that it makes me so mad. She tells me I am not that great, she thinks I am full of my self, she thinks I check myself out in the mirror all day, And she is the first to point out and flaws that may come up in me. It just sucks to love someone and the person you love tries to degrade you. The nicer you become with this kind of girl, the more crap she will give you... She will eventually dump you and break your heart.... I can see that miles away....
Confuggled_one Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 ya..the nicer you treat em the dirtier they treat you.. *sigh*.. what ist he possibilities of them coming back to you? and when they date someone else and they draw hard lines.. do they take them? or just leave em? btw island girl i made the thread.. i really appreciate your help http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t101560/
B-3128 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Borderline Personality Disorder Read this and this And then get the hell out. You will suffer for a few months and it will be the hardest thing ever, but harder. And then you will emerge, stronger and happier than before. Doesn't sound like you have much to miss in the long run. Take a deep breath. B
Confuggled_one Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 wow nice find.. is it true that people with BPD make a facade of themselves (a front of them being nice) and then turning mean afterwards?
Author budd98 Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 I asked her when would be a good time to pick up my things from her place, she lives alone in her apartment, and we agreed to meet there tonight. It was all through text messages. Anyways, we are meeting at 9 and do you think it would be a bad idea if everything goes well to ask her if she wants to go have a drink somewhere? Would it help getting back together, or hurt it?
Confuggled_one Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 i think it would just hurt it......... i think she will use that time when you pick up stuff to do intimate things. i dont know if it would be a good idea to ask her out.. cause im pretty sure it'd end the same way as your last
Shovelack Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 I asked her when would be a good time to pick up my things from her place, she lives alone in her apartment, and we agreed to meet there tonight. It was all through text messages. Anyways, we are meeting at 9 and do you think it would be a bad idea if everything goes well to ask her if she wants to go have a drink somewhere? Would it help getting back together, or hurt it? No f-in way dude!!!! Draw lines lines LINES and then adhere to them. Do NOT cross your own lines. (The plane is crashing into the mountain!)
Island Girl Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 would be a bad idea if everything goes well to ask her if she wants to go have a drink somewhere? Would it help getting back together, or hurt it? Having a drink will hurt it. Don't do it. You want your stuff and a break from the rollercoaster ride. That is it. Your stuff and a break from her up-and-down-can't-make-up-her -mind. Give her some distance so you can get you power back - the title of your thread. Give her some distance to make her get some clarity on her actions. She can't just keep being so wishy-washy about her commitment to you. She has to decide stay or go (I have a good mind she'll pick stay as long as you get your macho self back).
Loveslacker Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Ahh Island girl beauty without AND within...
Island Girl Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Ahh Island girl beauty without AND within... This is the second time you have made a comment like this. Please explain.
Confuggled_one Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 i think he appreciates that you are helpin us out because you were in the same case/situation as the girls before. i would also like to thank you. what you did is forever in my debt yo!
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