I used to feel so powerful, what happened????

[budd98]

I have been dating a girl for 2 years now. She is 24 and I am 26. The past 6 months have been a struggle together. I don't like to fight at all and I usually just take the blame to move on and work things out, even if I am in the right. I try to be sweet to her and do nice things. Anyways, when we first met she started to be very controlling. Always wanting me to be with her and for me to not be with my friends. I would always tell her to go out and have fun with her friends. She would start wars about my ex's and I would tell her the past does'nt matter. It was overwhelming for me at the time and I did'nt show I cared for her as much as I did because she was stressing me out. She always would call me when I was out and cause a huge fight. So I eventually stopped going out and stopped hanging out with my friends. Then we would go out together and she would always try to pick a fight with me about some girl there. I would just ignore it and try to have fun. So now within the past 6 months she has started to go out a lot. She is now accusing me of controlling her. She says that I call too many times in a day (3 times) and I only call to either ask her something or say that I missed her. I do love this girl, but why has she started treating me like sh@#? She keeps telling me that we need to break up or have space for awhile. She says that she has always wanted to have kids and be married until she met me. Why would someone say that? She thinks I should pay for everything and that she should'nt have to pay for anything. She has broken me down so bad and I used to be so much fun. I tell her I luv her and she says "no you don't". She uses things from 2 years ago as leverage to win her arguments. I have never cheated on her, called her a name, or hurt her in anyway. I just don't understand why she would do this to me. She tells me she deserves better. I run my own business that I started and she has never helped with it. She tells me its not her problem if I need help. Does anyone have any advice to why someone might start acting this way? Her dad is an alcohalic and divorced and her mom parties with her all the time. Her mom is 53. Any advice on helping me figure out how to react to her would be great. All I want to do is tell her how I feel all the time and i think it drives her away. 4 days ago she asked me to move in with her in her apartment to help pay rent for the 2 months I have to be out of my house for business reasons. Well I packed my stuff up and on the drive there she told me not to move in. Anyways, what do I do now? She has all of my clothes and I am living with my parents I guess. She wants a break, but what can I do to make her fall back in love again? Please help!

[everlong]

jebus! i think she is banging you over the head to tell you to 'piss off' - love does blind ya. step back, take a look at what is is trying to tell ya....she's trying every which way to get you to see.....she doesn't want ya - not trying to sound harsh but...come on

[Guest]

Like too many men, you have fallen for - what - her boobs? Her hot body? Certainly you can't have fallen for her kindness or loving behaviour. You accept all this rotten treatment because you 'love' her when you shouldn't. You don't love her at all. Love is good, it's growth, it's big and healthy. What you have with her is small and pinched and nasty. But you'll persist because you're addicted to whatever drew you to her.

 

Face it. Nothing you have done is wrong. You aren't 'too nice'. You just picked a total loser and refuse to admit that you can't pick a decent woman.

 

And until you understand that pining for her to 'love you again' is as bad as sticking your own hand in a vise and cranking it shut full speed, you will be destined to repeat the same dumb mistake.

 

Number one lesson: do NOT 'fall in love' with anyone who treats you like garbage.

 

Now go get your things and turn your back on her and understand that there is nothing about her worth having. She's mean. And a life with her would be torture.

[Loveslacker]

Bud my friend, you have a real situation - but it is a good one for you. You have maturity and wisdom and above all, love for this girl. She has issues man, and it is not your fault and you will not be able to help her. She needs to figure out what is eating away at her - but whatever it is, it is causing her to destroy a good relationship and destroy YOU!

 

I am not a professional but I think what she has is "borderline personality disorder" Google that and you will find some - but not all - the answers.

 

You also must understand that, through no fault of your own, you too are contributing to the situation. I went out with a very beautiful but troubled female. We had many great times but also many very scary times. I finally learned how not to feed into the sickness and things went better. I drew hard lines but them I did not cross. It's hard but a better road to follow. Look past the moment and see yourself and her in the big picture. Focus on that, it will not happen in a day but over time.

 

Lastly, you cannot make someone fall in love. You can show her you're there, and let her take you, but you cannot force it or beg her to see.

 

Bonne chance...

[Island Girl]

Bud my friend, you have a real situation - but it is a good one for you. You have maturity and wisdom and above all, love for this girl. She has issues man, and it is not your fault and you will not be able to help her. She needs to figure out what is eating away at her - but whatever it is, it is causing her to destroy a good relationship and destroy YOU!

 

I feel for you because I WAS this girl. Loveslacker is right about this one! She has serious issues that you can't help her with.

 

It is not you it is her. I left a destructive wake behind me as I went reeling in relationships. It was bad.

 

You have to draw the hard lines. You'll be better for it and if she comes back around, your relationship will be better too.

[Loveslacker]

Ah, Island Girl again displays the grace of a gazelle and the touch of a dove.

 

My friend, a relationship must bring out the best, not the worst, in us.

[budd98]

I was first attracted to her by her looks. She is very beautiful and gets hit on by everyone, and I mean everyone. Downside is, she isn't that smart, she never went to college, can't get a real job other then look oriented ones, constantly complains that she is fat, sleeps ALL the time, and has a HUGE temper. We could be so happy one second and the next she blows up about something a year ago. Its just crazy! I learned to accept the way she is and love her. I don't know why, I just did. Now I am left weakened and broken. She always gets mad at me for not giving her thousands of dollars to pay off her bills because I have a few dollars cause I work hard when I work. I know its an unhealthy relationship and I have'nt been happy in a long time, but what can I do to make us happy again. I did look into that"borderline personality disorder" and it sounds just like her. What happens to people that have that? Is there any help? I know if I told her about it she would go crazy on me. How do you break an addiction, if thats what I have for her?

[Loserdude]

...Yes, there MAY be help but you CANNOT give it except by backing away. Maybe not far away, but you have to stop adding to the situation. It is like vinegar and baking soda (remember that?) Apart, things are calm on the shelves, but together - kaboom! She has to see the problems herself and fix them. Period. A very gifted, smart and sensitive friend of mine - Licensed therapist, wrote this to me once. I hope it helps. This small e-mail changed my life (part of it, anyway).

 

When it comes to personality disorders, reading and understanding about the diagnosis is very helpful because the person with this diagnosis seems to push every button possible, and we learn we had buttons we didn't know we had! Having someone like this in our lives can be frustrating, heart-wrenching, annoying, and just plain confusing at times. This particular personality disorder is one of the most challenging to work with professionally, and having a romantic/personal relationship with someone with this diagnosis is challenging as well to say the least.

A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is based on "object relations theory", (who we are in relation to others, being separate and our own individual/person) there are issues with attachment and abandonment. The perception of abandonment is not based on rational thinking, but more so on the fear of abandonment, and feeling as though the attachment is severing. In reality, a healthy ego accepts healthy separation. For example, parents and children separate from each other emotionally as children grow and mature into adolescents, teens, etc. Usually it's not a smooth process, letting go of parents protecting us, parents letting go of protecting their kids...you get my point. Awkward as it is, it's a necessary point in the process of growing, maturing, etc. for kids as well as their parents. Someone with a BPD for some reason(s) perhaps did not move through this natural process of separating and becoming their own person very smoothly, or with much ease or success. I apologize if this is coming across as a academic lecture. I want you to understand some of what I think you're friend is experiencing so that you can know how to strategize when talking with her. In some aspects, she is very much like a young adolescent (emotionally), and when saying "no" to her, and removing yourself from her life in the way that you've been in her life will be uncomfortable for you because she doesn't understand, she only feels hurt, abandoned, and alone. You will want to be able to explain things to her so that she understands, that will be such a relief! It's like talking to someone who doesn't like what they hear, and they keep arguing for what they want, and you have to gently, firmly stand your ground...and not offering a hundred different explanations, analogies for why this can't be the way she wants...she won't hear the verbiage, she will only hear what she's afraid of..and she doesn't know how to be with herself.

[Loserdude]

I was first attracted to her by her looks. She is very beautiful and gets hit on by everyone, and I mean everyone. ...Is there any help? I know if I told her about it she would go crazy on me. How do you break an addiction, if thats what I have for her?

The fact that she is very beautiful supports the "objects relations theory" (see my previous post) because a beautiful woman sees and defines herself by the many many comments about her looks that she has recieved throughout her life. She views herself as others have: As an object. Although she is very young I am sure she sees herself as getting older and she is freaking out about this (and everything else). You're right, you cannot tell her that she has this for many, many reasons: First, you are not a pro, and just reading a few things here and on other websites does not allow you to render such a diagnosis and second, so what if you say this, she has to get help. She needs a good therapist to get her from point A to point S T U...all the way to Z.

 

I think you need to take a break from her (IMO). Away from you she may see how much she had with you. THe one thing you could do for her is help her talk to "someone" but this suggestion needs time to sink in. YOu may want to get her to do it by example (seek one out yourself and tell her you've been going)

 

(Also please, don't say she isn't smart. If you love her man, that's just wrong. She may not be educated, but don't say that. I don't think you meant it as it sounds but still...)

[everlong]

ok...bud, u have 'listed' many things you 'see' as being wrong with her...and everyone is totally disrespectful...sorry but that's the truth...

how about trying to 'list' all the good things u 'see' in her...if you are so captured by this person why are u focussing on yer 'preceived' negatives of her...and i totally agree with Dude, you may think she has such and such, but unless you are a pro...its guessing...and all that will happen by telling her what you think she needs will get her steaming mad at yah...when people are in 'conflict' the last person they believe [even if it is true] is the person they are in conflict with...i know, speaking from experience, the only thing i could do was 'suggest' avenues to someone i felt trusted and cared about the person i was concerned about but because i had already been 'painted' on a black canvas, that didn't go over too well....lol. and that's basically, all you can do. drop it and work on yer own issues and do so just fer yerself. don't flaunt what you are doing to the other person - they will take it the wrong way. do it for yourself and enjoy the fruits of yer own labour.

[Loserdude]

Yeah, but maybe telling her that he is going to a therapist would be good as an example, not to flaunt it. For sure this woman needs to talk to someone or she'll be a mess forever...

[budd98]

I don't mean anything bad I say about her, she just tells me so many bad things about me that it makes me so mad. She tells me I am not that great, she thinks I am full of my self, she thinks I check myself out in the mirror all day, And she is the first to point out and flaws that may come up in me. It just sucks to love someone and the person you love tries to degrade you. I always hope and pray she will grow out of that phase, but I have been waiting a long time. I have so much love to give, I just wish she would allow it the right way.

[Shovelack]

Well it seems to me that you are ignoring what others have posted here for your benefit. A person does not "grow out of" that type of behavior. She's got problems, dude. She is like a black hole. Sucks all in and destroys all around her. I'd bail out of this one.

[Guest]

How do you break an addiction, if thats what I have for her?

 

That's exactly what you have. Like all addictive substances, she's extremely bad for you but you keep going back for more. You have your own issues to allow yourself to be treated so badly. YOU need to get counselling but the first thing you badly need to do is what you do for any addiction - STAY AWAY.

 

That means no gazing at her photo, no pining about her, no calls, no emails, no texts, NOTHING. You can't give up crack 'a bit at a time'. It has to be all or nothing.

 

Basically, you fell for what so many poor sad men fall for - a pretty face. Because all the fairy tales told you that a beautiful princess was always kind and loving, you wanted one for your very own. But life is not a fairy tale and nothing on the outside tells you what a person is like inside.

 

You want a beautiful princess in your life - but what you have is a toad wearing a princess mask. But you BADLY want her to become a princess to fulfil your dream of having a beautiful creature in your life.

 

Well, a few years'll pass and she won't be pretty on the outside either and then you'll be really stuck.

 

She will never magically turn into the princess you want her to be. Wishing won't make it so. So wake up, understand the truth, and change your life to exclude her right away. Don't waste another minute of your life wishing for the impossible.

[Loserdude]

That's exactly what you have. Like all addictive substances, she's extremely bad for you but you keep going back for more. You have your own issues to allow yourself to be treated so badly. YOU need to get counselling but the first thing you badly need to do is what you do for any addiction - STAY AWAY.

 

That means no gazing at her photo, no pining about her, no calls, no emails, no texts, NOTHING. You can't give up crack 'a bit at a time'. It has to be all or nothing.

 

Basically, you fell for what so many poor sad men fall for - a pretty face. Because all the fairy tales told you that a beautiful princess was always kind and loving, you wanted one for your very own. But life is not a fairy tale and nothing on the outside tells you what a person is like inside.

 

You want a beautiful princess in your life - but what you have is a toad wearing a princess mask. But you BADLY want her to become a princess to fulfil your dream of having a beautiful creature in your life.

 

Well, a few years'll pass and she won't be pretty on the outside either and then you'll be really stuck.

 

She will never magically turn into the princess you want her to be. Wishing won't make it so. So wake up, understand the truth, and change your life to exclude her right away. Don't waste another minute of your life wishing for the impossible.

 

SOME of the points that "guest" is making may have some validity, but it also sounds pretty defeatist and cynical. There is definitely hope for your relationship, Budd98, but many things defintiely must change. Guest is boiling you down to a superficial stereotype, and I see much more potential from what you have written.

[gfto]

She keeps telling me that we need to break up or have space for awhile.

This seals it. She is no longer interested in you. Say goodbye to her, disappear, and find a new girlfriend.

[Guest]

and I see much more potential from what you have written.

 

Surely you jest!?!

 

-she started to be very controlling. Always wanting me to be with her and for me to not be with my friends.

-She would start wars about my ex's

-She always would call me when I was out and cause a huge fight. So I eventually stopped going out and stopped hanging out with my friends.

-Then we would go out together and she would always try to pick a fight with me about some girl there.

-She is now accusing me of controlling her.

- She keeps telling me that we need to break up or have space for awhile.

-She says that she has always wanted to have kids and be married until she met me.

-She thinks I should pay for everything and that she should'nt have to pay for anything.

-She has broken me down so bad

I tell her I luv her and she says "no you don't".

-She uses things from 2 years ago as leverage to win her arguments

-She tells me she deserves better.

-I run my own business that I started and she has never helped with it.

-She tells me its not her problem if I need help.

- 4 days ago she asked me to move in with her in her apartment to help pay rent ... on the drive there she told me not to move in.

-She has all of my clothes and I am living with my parents

 

There is nothing even remotely resembling 'potential' here. She's horrible to him and won't be any nicer, ever. If you honestly think this girl's a good deal, then maybe I understand why you'd call yourself 'loserdude' - I'm betting you've been 'in love' with this kind of woman many times and persist in believing that as long as she's 'beautiful', she's worth pursuing no matter how she treats you.

 

That may be your issue to deal with, but don't encourage the OP to stay with such an awful person.

[Loserdude]

Surely you jest!?!

That may be your issue to deal with, but don't encourage the OP to stay with such an awful person.

 

 

Yo guest - Clearly the guy likes her and is willing to do something and make some investments in this woman - that's what I see as potential. If he was just willing to bail, he wouldn't be soliciting opinions on this site. You may see the relationship as futile, and it may be. But people can surely change and improve and adapt. Just from what he said does not mean he should just throw it all away. He may, but there are reasons not to. That's all. It has nothing NOTHING to do with beauty (remember, I've never seen this girl). I'm not saying this woman is a good deal - I for sure am saying she's got problems but people like that can be 'fixed' for sure. Read my point that starts out "yikes"

 

And save your money on your bets - you have no clue about my relationships...

[Island Girl]

Ah, Island Girl again displays the grace of a gazelle and the touch of a dove.

 

???????????????

[Island Girl]

...Yes, there MAY be help but you CANNOT give it except by backing away. Maybe not far away, but you have to stop adding to the situation. It is like vinegar and baking soda (remember that?) Apart, things are calm on the shelves, but together - kaboom! She has to see the problems herself and fix them. Period. A very gifted, smart and sensitive friend of mine - Licensed therapist, wrote this to me once. I hope it helps. This small e-mail changed my life (part of it, anyway).

 

When it comes to personality disorders, reading and understanding about the diagnosis is very helpful because the person with this diagnosis seems to push every button possible, and we learn we had buttons we didn't know we had! Having someone like this in our lives can be frustrating, heart-wrenching, annoying, and just plain confusing at times. This particular personality disorder is one of the most challenging to work with professionally, and having a romantic/personal relationship with someone with this diagnosis is challenging as well to say the least.

A Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is based on "object relations theory", (who we are in relation to others, being separate and our own individual/person) there are issues with attachment and abandonment.

 

The perception of abandonment is not based on rational thinking, but more so on the fear of abandonment, and feeling as though the attachment is severing. In reality, a healthy ego accepts healthy separation. For example, parents and children separate from each other emotionally as children grow and mature into adolescents, teens, etc. Usually it's not a smooth process, letting go of parents protecting us, parents letting go of protecting their kids...you get my point. Awkward as it is, it's a necessary point in the process of growing, maturing, etc. for kids as well as their parents. Someone with a BPD for some reason(s) perhaps did not move through this natural process of separating and becoming their own person very smoothly, or with much ease or success.

 

I apologize if this is coming across as a academic lecture. I want you to understand some of what I think you're friend is experiencing so that you can know how to strategize when talking with her. In some aspects, she is very much like a young adolescent (emotionally), and when saying "no" to her, and removing yourself from her life in the way that you've been in her life will be uncomfortable for you because she doesn't understand, she only feels hurt, abandoned, and alone. You will want to be able to explain things to her so that she understands, that will be such a relief! It's like talking to someone who doesn't like what they hear, and they keep arguing for what they want, and you have to gently, firmly stand your ground...and not offering a hundred different explanations, analogies for why this can't be the way she wants...she won't hear the verbiage, she will only hear what she's afraid of..and she doesn't know how to be with herself.

 

 

Oh wow. This is the first time I have ever seen my past self in print. Holy crap!

 

As for the very beautiful thing --- yep, have it in spades - and my perception has been that while I was younger I was searching for this "magic key" that would make the emptiness, flight feelings, and animosity (among other things) go away. I thought that entailed finding that special person who would tell me he loved me, supported me, etc.

 

I would go out with a guy and pull it out of them. I would make them desperately in love with me - addicted to me - and then, when I got everything I thought I needed but it didn't "fix" me, those feelings would come out toward that unfortunate man.

 

It s like I'd tame the wild stallion to the point where a toddler could give him voice commands and he would do it - then I'd be angry that it wasn't what I had wanted afterall so I'd try to get him to buck. That is the only illustration I can think of. I don't know if it translates.

 

But inevitably this poor guy would be completely tormented, confused, and stunned when he was instantly replaced. It would start all over again with someone new.

 

I NEVER was without a boyfriend. I had never spent any time alone.

 

I finally made up my mind that I was incapable of love and was through hurting guys so made up all these rules so any guy I dated couldn't get too deep before it was over. I also said no to dates A LOT.

 

I suppose it was that time with myself, by myself, that I learned to value myself and that being alone was okay. I guess. I don't know exactly. What I do know is I identify with other peoples feelings and pain more now.

This has more to do with men's feelings, etc. but people in general too.

 

I was toxic though. I was in therapy at different points while in my late teens and this was never addressed. In fact, one of my therapists hit on me -- so I think it was a very elusive thing.

 

Maybe I can help best by explaining how I was feeling when I would do or say these evil things. And when I would distance myself for no reason. I'd ask for space but when I had it I would feel this need to keep the guy close so it would become this yo-yo game. If I needed self assurance and an ego boost, I'd pull them close for a fix. But they'd think it was a new beginning and instantly start the love and devotion thing going so I'd become viscious and bolt. It was terrible for those men I dated. Horrible. I wouldn't blame them if they hated me forever...sad thing is I don't think they do. They probably still think they did something wrong. I hope not.

[Island Girl]

I have so much love to give, I just wish she would allow it the right way.

 

Do you tell her she is full of crap when she is saying things that have no basis?

 

Do you tell her she is being evil for no reason and you aren't oing to listen to it?

 

Do you tell her don't treat me like a yo-yo that is going to keep coming back?

 

Have you ever walked out on a fight and made her come to you to fix it?

 

Do you tell her, when she is picking at you, to stop taking her insecurities out on you?

 

What I am saying is you need to set some boundaries of how you are treated. If she is not willing to treat you with respect she doesn't get to talk to you or be with you.

 

You are in a perfect position to do this without making it an all or nothing kind of deal. Thank GAWD you didn't move in with her because the only way you could play these particular cards would be a move out which essentially means a break up.

 

My guess is you show her TOO MUCH love. You are giving it all to her when she doesn't deserve it. When she is being mean or vindictive you try to be understanding of why and how she is feeling. Screw how she is feeling. If she is being mean - she is being me. Don't excuse it and don't put up with it. You giving her the "I'm here for you no matter what and I never want to lose you" vibe in actions and quite possibly in words too.

 

She is losing respect for you because you are putting up with her crap. If it goes on long enough that respect won't come back. And in the meantime you are losing self-respect because you are allowing her to treat you this way.

 

You have to be willing to stand up for yourself and demand basic courtesy or you should expect more of the same.

 

Just think about it - if you lost her right now, what would you lose? A gorgeous girl who makes you feel so unhappy.

 

But if you stand up for yourself and refuse to be treated badly, things could work in your favor and you could have the same girl but a better relationship where you would feel happy a lot of the time.

[Confuggled_one]

Island girl, I have the same situation as he does. I know i should have PMed you.. but i dont know why i don thave that option on LS. is there anyway i could contact you and ask you a few questions on a messanger?

[Loserdude]

Oh wow. This is the first time I have ever seen my past self in print. Holy crap!

 

 

I suppose it was that time with myself, by myself, that I learned to value myself and that being alone was okay. I guess. I don't know exactly. What I do know is I identify with other peoples feelings and pain more now.

This has more to do with men's feelings, etc. but people in general too.

Island girl - you are kind to share your thoughts and experiences. I think that being by yourself was what allowed you to get to a point where you weren't so destrucive. Good job.

[Confuggled_one]

Island girl - you are kind to share your thoughts and experiences. I think that being by yourself was what allowed you to get to a point where you weren't so destrucive. Good job.

 

and i would like to say thank you for sharing your input. now i realize some of the motives behind my gf. thank you for sharing everything. if you dont want to hand anything to me i understand too. it is too blunt of me to ask you.. but thank you for sharing your input!!!

 

sorry for not mentioning it in previous post. i got kinda happy i found someone who went through this before and just wanted to be selfish and have some input ASAP.. sorry for being rude!

[Island Girl]

Confuggled_one:

I don't have PM - I don't know why? Maybe I haven't been posting long enough.

 

I came on here to help guys that may be being treated poorly by a girl out there like me -

And also because I was a cold B*Atch for so long, I dated some very successful prominent men and also regular guys -- a lot of them. Because of the whole self-image/self-esteem thing I valued myself based on my looks and thought the world of myself (same as every guy I've ever met) BUT I thought because I was proud of what I looked like, never slept with men, etc. that I had high self-esteem.

 

I learned a lot about men and relationships. I knew what the girl should do to "get the guy". I just didn't value myself. So no amount of love and whoever from didn't make me feel better or make my life worth living. And because I was missing some kind of connection I felt nothing when I destroyed these poor guys.

 

The same as I think this girl feels - I actually thought I was helping them by trying to give them a backbone or something - and resentful went they would just acquiesce. So I'd get meaner. It was horrible.

 

I have no problem with questions, etc. I don't care how direct. That is what I am hoping to do. Help those men out there who are being hurt and help the girls out there not be treated like dirt (because I know how to be treated well and that it starts with the girl).

 

But I don't want to highjack the thread either.

 

Not sure how to solve this but I guess I can go get a messenger...?