sjsav3 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I am new to this forum, really any kind of forum and I am unsure of what to do. So here go's it! I am at a crossroads in my life and I could really use some advice, words of encouragement or any words period. I have been married for 9 years and I don't know if I want to be married anymore. We have 2 children, 11 and 6. The 11 y/o is my stepchild and I have been in his life for over 9 years. I really love him but he is becoming part of the problem. My wife had a relationship with a guy who was not the most qualified to be a husband, father or man. That's where I come in, we met, fell in love and were married 6 months later. During our first year of marriage, it was great but slowly it seemed that I was losing me. She gradually took over my life with mistrust, jealousy and bitterness. I did everything that I could to make her happy but it seemed that it was never enough. I couldn't leave my home with out the constant accusations of infidelity and I would backdown and stay home. Now understand, I was not going to a bar or a night club, this was about going to the neighbors garage to watch a football game. I have never, I repeat never, have had an extramarital affair and have never given her reason to think so. It was not until our 4th year together that I started to try to regain a sense of self and you can guess what happened. We bumped heads constantly, talking gave way to yelling, yelling gave way to screaming and screaming gave way to not talking at all. To this day nothing gets resolved, only forgotten over time. This is where my stepson comes in. My stepson is a very bright, receptive, outgoing child with a great personality and a hairpin temper like his father. At an early age he has been able to manipulate his mom and continues to do so very well. This is the cause of another problem. He can do no wrong in her eyes and uses this to his advantage. When he does something wrong and I say something about it, I am met with, "He is my child, not yours!" Recently he was suspended from school for fighting and my wife was with the counselor trying to find ways to blame the staff for the fight. He has started to openly disrespect me and knows that he will be under his mother's "umbrella of protection." If anyone has any thoughts or any words at all, I thankyou in advance.
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 welcome to the joys of blended families. hey, no-one said it was gonna be easy but sounds like yer troubles can be solved thru simple communication and remembering that if you both don't give each other the 'space' to be committed and independant at the same time, then things will snowball [ie: the kids]. its up to both of u to put what is important back on the table. my suggestion would be, send the kids to gramps house for the weekend and take a trip away somewhere just the two of u can be and refocus on the good stuff - you both obviously had it going on in the past so its not like this will be rocket science for either of you. remember what is important to him/her should be important to you - and done so without feeling compromised. you can do it!
YellowLioness Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Really, it just depends on what you want. If you want to make it work, there are ways to go about fixing it. No marriage is ever too far gone, IMO, unless there is abuse, or a drug/ alcohol dependency problem, or the like. If you want to make it work, let her know, and see counseling together. There is no shame in it, and it can really help you to learn to communicate with eachother. If you don't want to make it work, make absolutely sure that you are done with her and the situation. Don't live with regrets, and don't be angry. Since there is a child involved, it is in both partie's best interest to keep the divorce as "clean" as possible. This is regardless of how you feel about the child. Also, do not play games with your spouse. Threatening to leave, or to cheat, or whatever to get her attention will only cause harm. Even if you don't really mean it... Before you bring this topic up with her, have a decision made in your mind so that you can have a specific approach. Example: "Baby, I know we've been fighting alot, but I love you, and I think we can make "us" better if both of us try. There's this great marraige counselor I've heard of..." OR "(Name), we've both worked really hard at this. I feel like I've given it all I have, and I want a divorce. I've already gotten myself an apartment, and I'm moving out this weekend." Make sure you have clear goals in mind, such as, "If she decides not to do marriage counseling, I will leave." OR "No matter what she says, I will stay to make this work." If there is no focus to the discussion, likely it will disolve into an argument. It is best to try to keep things as civil as possible. She probably won't take either decision well. However, she may not realize how bad it's gotten, and may want a chance to work things out. You have to prepare yourself also for the worst, that she will want you to leave, anyway. Just know that you will make it through this hard time, and you will be ok. Do what is best for you, as it will be what is best for everyone in the long run. Staying in a relationship out of guilt our obligation breeds unhappiness. *hugs* Keep us posted.
everlong Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 i agree with most of what yellowsssssss has said...but would simply add... "Really, it just depends on what you want. If you want to make it work, there are ways to go about fixing it. No marriage is ever too far gone, IMO, unless there is abuse, or a drug/ alcohol dependency problem, or the like." abuse and substance problems can also be 'fixed' thru understanding and therapy....depends on the situation...if this person had these issues at the start, then chances are, no amount of work will fix them...if they, occured for other reasons and you know the person is not that way, then putting the buggy before the horse makes no sense...yes, there are some things that are simply unacceptable, but i believe if you got involved with someone because you believed in that person and the 'fickle finger of fate' makes a otherwise good person stumble and you choose to neglect that fact, that is totally up to each person. i would not kick someone when they are down. my only other comment relates to 'bringing your own expectations and goals' to the table...yes, it is important that each person have their own points but when you are in a relationship you must be flexible...its give and take...and if its 'your way or the highway' chances are you both will be on separate stage coaches heading our of town in the opposite direction....that approach works great when you are in singledom... just my opinion of course
anna13 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I think that she may have taken you for granted. . I should know , I took my husband for granted. I have an older son from a previous relationship too. my husband gave up alot of his hobbies ect to be there for me. I didnt ask him to but he did.the last few months we just been arguing about my son and arguing about arguing About this or that , i didnt give him room to breath , I was always on him about something..and then he seperated from me, because he couldnt take it no more. . we are currently slowly trying to rebuild our relationship while seperated. when he left it was a real wake up call to me . I don't want to lose him , I never thought he could hear what i was saying but he did , I didnt think he was there for me enough but he was. I just took him for granted and got into the habit of nagging him . now i can see what i need to change. my husband deserves his own time , he deserves a life outside of me and the kids, he needs down time . So i know where you are coming from . I think that if you told your wife in a letter or in a sit down with her how exactly you feel it might open her eyes. she may respond in anger because she is used to responding that way . tell her that you Love her and you listen to her but she has to listen to what you have to say. I think that may have opened my eyes sooner. i think it is worth a try . resolve the issues between you and her and then deal with the issues with your stepson . maybe have him in more outdoor activities like a soccer team to keep him more busy. or maybe have his stay with relatives or friends for a few days while you discuss things with your wife. I hope this helps .
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