Sonitas Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 In advance, thank you to all who read and respond to my post. I have been married for over 10 years and together for about 15 (since I was 15). We have two wonderful children 8 & 10. I recently asked my husband for a trial separation and I will be moving out this weekend. Over the years our relationship has been wonderful, heartbreaking and full of both good and bad memories. He is a good man, loves me to the ends of the earth and would do anything for his children. Maybe that is why I feel so horrible. Since we were first together he had a problem with binge drinking, he could not just enjoy one or two, but always went overboard to the point of no return. It never failed to happen on any special occassion or event we attended. I expressed my concern when I was younger even before we were married (his parents responded as he deserves to have fun, let him be). After we were married the same cycles continued, I expressed my un-happiness and there were promisses of change. He changed for a while and things would just slide back to the way they were. I am at fault as well, I tend to keep things to myself instead of being the "nag". He never really helped around the house much, I took care of mostly everything and there were times where I felt controlled. A few years back I had enough of the drinking, I asked for a separation, we ended up going to one councelling session, and I decided to stay. He had written me this beautiful letter pouring his heart out and promissing me that he had seen the light and understood where we were going wrong. Things were great...then we began to fall into the same patterns. It was my 30th b-day this year and he took me to this beutiful place, we had a cabin on the lake, it was picture perfect..until the wine was openend. He drank too much, fell a few times on the way back from dinner and passed out...I get so disapointed when he is like that. We went on our first holiday to somewhere hot this year...and there were a few episodes like that as well. The morning afters are always the same, he feels embarrased and hungover, I am pretty quiet. He is a big boy, I am not going to tell him how to live his life. I had had enough a few months ago when we had arranged to meet after I got off work to take our children shopping for some gear for summer camp (they were so excited), needless to say my husband showed up completely wasted and 11/2 late. Few weeks after that, I asked for a trial separation. What do I intend to get out of this separationn? I don't know...for the sake of our children, I would like things to work out. But I don't know if I have it in me to give this relationship another go. I let him read that letter he wrote to me a few years back and he was really upset, I think he understands why I feel the way I do. I feel like I have given him my heart time and time again and he is careless with it. I am moving this weekend, we told the children this week, that was the worst thing I have ever gone through! We all cried, they have been wonderful, asking questions and knowing that they will always be loved. My husband gets extremely agry when he hears anything about the house I am moving to, which I try to sympathise with and explained to the children to make sure that they let dad know how much they appreciate all the nice things we have and their home. He has been daily reminding me of how I am breaking his heart and tearing the family apart, and now I will not have a family. I am just asking for some space, maybe I will walk away from this appreciating him even more and breaking this vicious cycle that has had me in its grasp for so long. My husband also lets me know everyday that there are so many other people out there that stay in worse relationship and work things out and why can't we. I just feel like a horrible person for not being able to return his love. Is it wrong to ask for space, I do not know anything else, this does not mean that I want to go find another man, I just would like some freedom and spend some quality time with my children. Phewww that felt good!
LakesideDream Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Does your husband drink everyday? Clearly your H has a drinking problem. If he wants to save your marriage, he needs to stop drinking. It's really not rocket science. If "binging" is more important to him than his wife, kids, and home... then you are sunk. Good Luck, hopefully he will come to his senses before it's to late.
dgiirl Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Sonitas, on behalf of your children, I want to thank you. I grew up with an alcoholic father, and although I love him dearly, and would defend him any day of the week, as a child I was privy to some things a child should never see. It was a huge emotional strain on me, seeing my father drink every weekend, every holiday, talking to himself to late hours at night, and once in a while seeing my father pass out on the dining room floor. As a child, there is not one single holiday I can remember that my father was not drinking. Christmas eve was spent opening presents for an hour, and then my dad starting to drink and the kids going to our own rooms hiding for the rest of the night. I spent many NYE's hiding in my own room, crying, and depressed that this is how my NYE was spent. Watching my dad drunk and could barely walk straight, leaving the house to get more beer. Having to call the cops to report my dad drinking and driving to get more beer. And this was the tame stuff. This was the stuff my mom was able to endure. But there was a point where my mom had to make a decision on whether to leave or not, and I remember as a child, supporting my mom to leave my dad. You need to let your kids know that it really is not their fault. Like me, I'm sure they have a lot of anger towards their father right now. They are probably asking why their father wont quit drinking. If he loved them, he'd quit. And they probably feel very scared and confused. There's no stability in their lives right now. And they need to know that no matter what happens, you will protect them, not the other way around. Very often, I felt i was put into the parent role. I had to be strong for my mother, I had to take care of her, and sometimes I even had to get my dad away from my mother. It wasnt fair as a child and until very recently I never really dealt with the pain from my childhood. Like me to my dad, I'm sure you love your husband when he's sober. You just do not love the alcohol and it's starting to take a toll on you. I dont know how one breaks their addiction to alcohol. My dad finally quit when the kids moved away and he retired with just my mom. When he no longer had the stress from work, and no longer had the reminders of the weekends because that was his trigger. I've vowed to myself to leave any man who turned out to be like my father. There is absolutely no way I will ever live that again. And so i can completely empathize with you and your situation. I hate to promote divorce without trying, but this is one thing I would have zero tolerance with. However, have you tried alanon? I think that's the support group for families of alcholocis. My mother attended many sessions and it seemed to give her some strength. But at the same time, my father never quit until many years later. I think it's very important for you to get some help for both you and your kids. It's not easy what you are dealing with, and I'm sure you feel a lot of guilt. You dont want to break up your childrens home. But let me tell you, if your life is anything remotely similar to my own, I would have rathered my mother leave and show me a stable loving home than to live like that. As an adult, I do NOT know what a functional relationship is like. I've learned to become emotionally distant to protect myself from my father's drinking, and I've learned to yell and be angry from my mother's way of reacting to problems. And although we all have issues, no child is ever brought up in a perfect functional home, you need to figure out if the alternative will be better for them.
Author Sonitas Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Dgiirl & Lakesidedream thank you for your replies. It has been about two months since I told him I wanted a trial separation and he has not drank since except for a couple of times where he only had a small amount. When we have gone through this before, it was the same thing, the promisses to change forever soon turned sour. He would stop drinking for a while and then tnigs slowly return to the way they were. I am afraid of trusting his intentions although I know in his heart he means well and is trying very hard, but I am finding it difficult to view him in a new light. I am just as much at fault because I don't voice my concerns. I am always trying to be the "good" wife and not nag or complain about things I don't like. That has changed recently too. I am a firm beleiver of if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. But I realize that if I don't let him know what I don't like, nothing will change and only I will suffer in the end. I tried using an example of if you were friends with someone and they constantly treated you un-respectful, you soon would not want to be friends with this person, I am finding it hard to want to be married to this man for the rest of my life. I did grow up with my father drinking alot every weekend and I too did not want that for my children. I am surprised on how the kids have been taking this, they came and saw my new rental house and had positive things to say about it. I should be finished moving by the end of the week. I am having ALOT of mix emotions about this move, I am excited but cannot voice that as I do not want to hurt my husband even more. Yet I am upset & very sad to be leaving my home.
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Sonitas, the time apart will do you good to help you become a stronger person when you have to deal with life and your children alone. It can be scary and enjoyable at the same time. In that light, I wouldn't do anything too rash until he shows which way he will go. If he would get into an AA program or such and stick to it for 6 months or so, would you be willing to try again? You already are a strong woman to have put up with this for so long, and you yourself have said that other than this, he is a wonderful father and husband. My father too was an alcoholic ~ for years. Its what finally killed him; he had a stroke at age 60, then another 2 weeks later and was gone. There were many things he missed out on, many things he couldn't remember, and he was an emotionally abusive man. Does that mean we didn't love him? Heaven's no! He was a driven, hardworking, highly intelligent man with a great sense of humor, and a wonderful cook. But it did cause a lot of heartache and now my son had to grow up not knowing his Grandpa who loved him so much, all he hears are stories. Alcoholics react differently; some like my father were still steady, hard workers, some are abusive, some are clingy and whiny, some just pass out without a whimper. You need to look at the man you married, underneath the alcohol, and make up your mind whether you are willing to try once more or not if he can hold to his word. It may have taken you walking away to prove to him how serious of a problem he's got.
Author Sonitas Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Lor Thank you, it is amazing when you begin searching for similar situations that it makes you feel a little normal knowing that others have gone through this too. I am scared, I have been with him since I was 15, I don't know anything else. I know I will be fine, I mean I have run our household all this time, and I have a great job and good friends. We have a trip planned to go see my sister in Arizona in April of next year and I have told my husband that no matter what happens between us I would love for him to come, you only get to see your children experience their first "trip" once and I would want him to be there. I am sure our children would want him there too. I have been thinking I should wait until then before I make any solid decision. When we went to councilling before the councillor told him that he would be clingy and needy to me to make himself feel better that it was ok to drink. Ever since then he became more withdrawn the next morning. He definately is feeling great this past while, he does not miss the hangovers as well. I like seeing him feeling better about himself. I don't think our children realized what was going on, they would just see him sleeping in the chair and not think twice about it. They have noticed that he is not drinking beer anymore, so I am sure they are more tuned in then what I assumed. Our daughter has been watching everything we say, almost playing referee, ensuring that we appreciate each other and are kind to one another.
Lor Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 When we went to councilling before the councillor told him that he would be clingy and needy to me to make himself feel better that it was ok to drink. Ever since then he became more withdrawn the next morning. He definately is feeling great this past while, he does not miss the hangovers as well. I like seeing him feeling better about himself. I don't think our children realized what was going on, they would just see him sleeping in the chair and not think twice about it. They have noticed that he is not drinking beer anymore, so I am sure they are more tuned in then what I assumed. Our daughter has been watching everything we say, almost playing referee, ensuring that we appreciate each other and are kind to one another. They see, don't dilude yourself that they don't. My stbX has a drinking problem and I hear a lot about it, but unless he's in danger of hurting my kids, the only one he's hurting is himself. He used to have a 6 pack, now its a 12 pack. They are appreciating him being around and being lucid while they are there--like you said not being passed out in the chair. My Father also would be a great person when he wasn't drinking ~ there were a few spells in there. He would actually come to our sports games, our activities, call us, spend time. But as soon as he'd hook up with another woman and start drinking again it was excuse after excuse as to why he couldn't make it. 8 kids total and he made it I think 3 of our HS graduations? I loved him dearly when he wasn't drinking because he paid attention to us (they divorced when my Mom was pregnant with me) and didn't like it so much when he was, but he was still my father, faults and all. The time frame you are giving each other will be very helpful and is a good one. Don't try to make too many future plans since you don't know what will happen and they are hard to break and harder to deal with when you are uncomfortable with each other. Is his drinking the main or only reason why you are leaving?
Gunny376 Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 The thing about drinking is that once its starts, you find reasons to drink. Its one damned thing after another. I intially started drinking because of stress ~ which lead to insomia ~ which lead to anxiety ~ which lead to depression ~ which lead to more drinking ~ which lead to more depression and anxiety, It all just feeds upon itself. And becomes a spirial. Soon it becomes its only enity. My solutioin to it was to down-scale my life, to downscale my expectations, to down-scale my aspirations, to down-scale my ambitionis. To stop and smell the roses so to speak. To seek out a quite and simpler life. To take myself out of the "rat-race" No I don't have a 90210 address, and No I don't drive a Lexus, nor a BMW, nor a Mercedes Benz. No, I'm never going to be a General in the Marine Corps, and I'm proablly never going to be a millionaire. But, you know what? I don't want to be.
everlong Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 [COLOR=black]hi sons,[/COLOR] [COLOR=black] [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]i think you are doing the right thing and by the sounds of i don't think you should call it a trail separation..be honest with him...its over...and that house? renting or buying? if you are buying then - it is obviously not a trail separation. i had that one pulled on me - the deal for me was my ex and i agreed that she was 'staying' at her uncles as they were away in germany - she would stay for two months, lots of contact - checking in, you now...what couples do...well, couple of weeks went by and suddenly the 'deal' that was agreed to by both of us..the only reason being for both of us to get better...well, before you can say bob's yer uncle, she tells me that deal has been changed and that it is now a trail separation..and i'm thinking...hmmmm, don't i get a say in this...we are a couple right? nope. none negioatable...and i think...hmmmmmmm, she's never done that before...she was ms. teamwork...a couple workls together...in fact, that's how we did everything, cooking, gardening, etc. together...so, i'm thinking ok..weird....then next time she shows up there's another twist...now the trail separtion is off the table, and i have to prove to her / pass a test, to see if i can be her boyfriend and if we have a future...now u have to remember this has only been three week time since she moved out, we had been together 4 years, living as a family for one in a great home, talks of a house together, u know all that long term stuff, [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]so, i write the exam, and guess what, i failed...saw that one coming right? we says to me 'close but not quite there yet', i ask if i can write a term paper for fer, promising to do a better job in one weeks time [remember i am depressed at this point and have just managed to bet a horrid addiction and living in an empty house - so, she says, well ok...another week passes, then she shows up with a friend to pick up the rest of her stuff, so, i am under the gun for time now, but i did a great job on my paper this time, covered off a ton off stuff...it was a A- grade..guess what..she failed me...i went what! no way! I worked my ass off on that one.. iwas sure I nailed it. So, her friend gives her the ‘lets move’ sign and poof talk about our future is gone. She comes over a couple of days later, looking pretty relaxed and dressed really nice. I am still figuring out, what’s next? We sit on the bench in my backyard and I start telling – jebus, what’s going on? And she says to me…shhhhhhhhh…remember our future is decided on what you do. I’m thinking what the heck? I get to see my gf, if that is what she is at this stage for maybe 3 hours a week, she never calls, when before we blabbed for hours, and just as she getting ready to leave, she tells me she has bought a house! [/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Well, now I really have no idea what the hell is going on…I’m like stunned. She gets in her car and drives away and that’s the end of the story.[/COLOR] [COLOR=black]All that to say, if you are buying a house…what relationship you are in – is OVER MAN![/COLOR] [COLOR=black]Btw, that was like a year ago, who knows, and still haven’t gotten a phone call from her, and have no idea where she lives…and I am in no way gonna try and find out…that would be spooky time..i don’t play that game…besides…she wanted to vanish – so…her wish is granted.[/COLOR] so the subject line 'trail separtion of hope' - made me have a flashback...if u are done just tell the guy...don't string him on fer months - he probably drink more...if u tell him straight up maybe he'll get his act togheter really quick.
Author Sonitas Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 I don't know if his daily life stresses would lead him to drink, I think he just learned from example. His whole family (except his sister) are big drinkers, weekends, holidays, you name it. I remember when I was about 18 he was out drinking & driving (which continued thruout our marriage) and just about ran me down, when I returned home (we both lived with is parents at the time) I was livid, told his parents that I have tried time and time again to ask him to stop and he is going to kill someone. When he returned home nothing was said by anyone and life goes on. A short time later, I was cornered by his family and given the speech that he works hard and can do as he pleases. Is his drinking the only reason I am asking for a trial separation...no...I think it just gave me a good reason to say enough. I have spent countless hours taking care of that man, taking care of the house and day to day things and not having fredom to do as I please. I moved in with him while I was still in High School and I feel at times that he took on a controlling role, letting me know what I should & shouldn't do. Like I said before he is a good man, tells me everday how he loves me, but I wish he had more interest in the things I enjoy in life. I have always worked hard at taking part in his hobbies and interest and I feel like I have been left standing on the sidelines. Along with all the household chores and cooking, I never really had much help, I expressed that I wanted a partner in life, not just a person to take care of. But he is working on changing things and so am I. Am I leading him on...I don't think so, if I thought it was truly over I would tell him. I would much rather see him move on and find someone to return his love then being dragged along by me. I have some feelings to work out, and I am hoping that this individual time will be good for the both of us. When the time comes that I see this man to be who I want to be with or not then he will be the first to know.
Author Sonitas Posted October 18, 2006 Author Posted October 18, 2006 When I came home on Monday evening after painting at the rental house, my husband approaches me with the statement "Dave (his brother) saw you with a guy in the truck"....my reply was no. What the!!? There is no other man, never was....where is this coming from? Last week he had told me he confided in one of his friends about us, which I thought was great. He had told me that his friends response was that I was fu*** someone else...I was upset about this comment...I thought this guy was my friend too...I am good friends with his wife, and that comment came up in conversation and I found out today that he did not say that? Why the deception? When we are trying to improve our communication and relationship boundaries why start lying? Is this normal for a man to automatically assume that there is another man involved?
Guest Posted October 19, 2006 Posted October 19, 2006 In advance, thank you to all who read and respond to my post. I have been married for over 10 years and together for about 15 (since I was 15). We have two wonderful children 8 & 10. I recently asked my husband for a trial separation and I will be moving out this weekend. Over the years our relationship has been wonderful, heartbreaking and full of both good and bad memories. He is a good man, loves me to the ends of the earth and would do anything for his children. Maybe that is why I feel so horrible. Since we were first together he had a problem with binge drinking, he could not just enjoy one or two, but always went overboard to the point of no return. It never failed to happen on any special occassion or event we attended. I expressed my concern when I was younger even before we were married (his parents responded as he deserves to have fun, let him be). After we were married the same cycles continued, I expressed my un-happiness and there were promisses of change. He changed for a while and things would just slide back to the way they were. I am at fault as well, I tend to keep things to myself instead of being the "nag". He never really helped around the house much, I took care of mostly everything and there were times where I felt controlled. A few years back I had enough of the drinking, I asked for a separation, we ended up going to one councelling session, and I decided to stay. He had written me this beautiful letter pouring his heart out and promissing me that he had seen the light and understood where we were going wrong. Things were great...then we began to fall into the same patterns. It was my 30th b-day this year and he took me to this beutiful place, we had a cabin on the lake, it was picture perfect..until the wine was openend. He drank too much, fell a few times on the way back from dinner and passed out...I get so disapointed when he is like that. We went on our first holiday to somewhere hot this year...and there were a few episodes like that as well. The morning afters are always the same, he feels embarrased and hungover, I am pretty quiet. He is a big boy, I am not going to tell him how to live his life. I had had enough a few months ago when we had arranged to meet after I got off work to take our children shopping for some gear for summer camp (they were so excited), needless to say my husband showed up completely wasted and 11/2 late. Few weeks after that, I asked for a trial separation. What do I intend to get out of this separationn? I don't know...for the sake of our children, I would like things to work out. But I don't know if I have it in me to give this relationship another go. I let him read that letter he wrote to me a few years back and he was really upset, I think he understands why I feel the way I do. I feel like I have given him my heart time and time again and he is careless with it. I am moving this weekend, we told the children this week, that was the worst thing I have ever gone through! We all cried, they have been wonderful, asking questions and knowing that they will always be loved. My husband gets extremely agry when he hears anything about the house I am moving to, which I try to sympathise with and explained to the children to make sure that they let dad know how much they appreciate all the nice things we have and their home. He has been daily reminding me of how I am breaking his heart and tearing the family apart, and now I will not have a family. I am just asking for some space, maybe I will walk away from this appreciating him even more and breaking this vicious cycle that has had me in its grasp for so long. My husband also lets me know everyday that there are so many other people out there that stay in worse relationship and work things out and why can't we. I just feel like a horrible person for not being able to return his love. Is it wrong to ask for space, I do not know anything else, this does not mean that I want to go find another man, I just would like some freedom and spend some quality time with my children. Phewww that felt good! I am in a somewhat similar situation only I have been with my soon to be ex-husband for only 4 1/2 years. He also drinks too much and that results in him treating me badly, starting fights etc. I asked for a seperation and to get him out of th ehouse had to file for divorce. In response to being served he immediatley hired and attorney and now we are on the fast track to a no-contest divorce. I love him, he loves me...we agree we are not good married and that things were better when we had less stress and were only dating. He actuallly wants to divorce me, so he has less burden, and date me again...is this crazy? I dont want to get divorced, but all his promises to change have fallen through cracks too. I think this is the only way because if he once again fails to change this time I can simply break up with him, since we will already be divorced. We were oth older when we married he is 10 yrs older than I am, maybe we were both too independant to bend to one another and compromise. I personally think he is a bit selfish since he want less burden taking the easy road out and just divorcing to date again, but I almost agree. I do not want another man, i want him but have been miserable during the entire marriage due to how he treats me.can this work???
Author Sonitas Posted October 24, 2006 Author Posted October 24, 2006 So last night was my first night alone, it was really strange, even stranger in the morning when there was only my footsteps throughout the house. How did you feel after the seperation? When I left last night, I broke down hard, but re-assured myself that I am doing the right thing and whether we get back together or not, I think this will be good for the both of us. When I was laying in bed last night, it ran through my head "you did it!". We spoke on the phone in the evening, he sounded really upset, even more upset that I wasn't. I feel good about the progress that we have been making in our communication lately and I hope that it continues, and I told him that. I am going to be worried about him next week when the kids come to stay with me, I just pray that he does not fall into his old ways, if he does then I know for sure that I made the right decision. When he left after helping me move the last of my things he gave me a hug and said I Love You, how I wish I could return that statement without doubt.
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