LuckyCharm Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 so Danny and I have been together a year and just yesterday i found out he slept with 4 girls befor me....thats not what really bothers me, his past is his past. so to make a long story short, i'm a virgin and when we got together i asked him how many girls he slept with, he said 2, a few months ago it changed and he said 3, and that he slept with 1 girl with out a condom and regreted not using protection. now yesterday i found out he slept with 4 girls and with 2 of his gf's he slept with out a condom (how wise...)! it's not that i don't trust him but i would ask him every now and then how many he slept with, and his story always seemed to change... like he wanted me to go down on him and i didn't want to so he said no girl has ever gone down on him, he went down on a girl once, so i was like "she didn't go down on you in return??'' so then he was like "oh yes now i remember she did..." (sounded pretty fake to me) then a month ago he said his ex's went down on him but he never went down on them, and he said the girl he told me about doesn't count cause he didn't really go down on her, just sort of kissed the area *blah* yesterday i find out he did go down on her, and that he lived with her, and in the past he told me he's never lived with a gf and says a month doesn't count as living together (umm yes it does!!!) basically he's LIED to me and told me story beond story... when i met him i thought he was only with 2 girl and now i find out 4!! don't get me wrong i'm not jealous and i would never try to change his past or get mad at him for sleeping with 4 girls, but why lie to me??! he told me he didn't feel comfortable telling me cause i'm a virgin! and that he thought i wouldn't wanna be with him, so told him we talked about this last month couldn't you have told me then?? so he said he was afraid i might leave him or love him less, which is not true, if he told me from the start it may have bothered me a bit but i would get over it if i really wanted him, if any thing about saying that i'll love him less or brake up with him now he's given me a reason! i feel so hurt, we talked about it and he said he's sorry and feels bad hiding this from me and even when i told him i'll forgive him and we'll drop the issue, i'm still feeling hurt he would lie to me. i woldn't mind being his 3rd or 4th if i really had to but 5th??! i DON'T wanna be his 5th! what should i do? i'm trying to get over this since yesterday but CAN'T get over the fact he lied to get his way!! Help!
Walk Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 i woldn't mind being his 3rd or 4th if i really had to but 5th??! i DON'T wanna be his 5th! I know you said you aren't jealous about past girls he had, but your comment says that a bit of you is really unhappy with the thought. Is there a chance he picked up on this without you saying it directly? Does he have a tendency to lie about stuff in other areas? Like.. have you noticed that he lies to friends, or family about stuff? Or other areas he's lied to you in the past about? I think if this is the ONLY area he's falsified, then he probably was concerned you would think less of him, or feel hurt, or not want to be with him because of it. Whether that's true or not doesn't really matter. What matters is his perception of how you would have reacted. I guess, if I were in your shoes then I'd try to really see things from his perspective. If I felt he honestly was concerned that I would be hurt or upset greatly, then I think I would forgive the past mistruths, and have a deep discussion about what I expected from now on. Which is full disclosure, or as close as humanly possible. If after really trying to place myself in his shoes, I still couldn't understand why he would lie... I'd probably ask him to be flat out honest right then. Have a one chance, free pass, to get out of trouble if he was up front about his past (as much as he could remember). Then take it from there. If I found out he intentionally lied again (not just forgot to mention) then I'd end it. A man who can't be honest isn't someone you really want to attach your life to. But honestly... you are saying you don't care he had past women, but you're last comment really seemed to say the opposite. I think you need to give him the benefit of the doubt about how he thought you may have reacted to the news. You may have unintentionally sent several messages that you didn't like men who had had more than one or two sexual partners. Which would tell him that you wouldn't like him if you knew. If you really don't care about the numbers game, then give him one chance to come clean and start fresh. (assuming this is the only area he's lied about) Talk to him about it, let him know why you're upset (the lying) and reassure him you won't leave him even if you find out you're number 20. But you want to have trust and honesty in your relationship.
everlong Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 sounds like he is making the cardinal mistake most guys do - instead of just being up front, they over-think and worry how you would react. that's why the number keeps changing. sounds like the # doesn't matter to him but he knows it does to you so he is flipping and flopping all over the place. frankly i wouldn't care how many people someone slept with - when i am with someone the only thing that is important is the person you are with. plus, like any good accountant doing the books at end-of-year - sometimes numbers can mean more than one thing. is someone who has had 20 lovers any better or worse than someone that has had 1? nope. everyone is unique. just focus on the 'now' and relax [easier said than done sometimes - i know].
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