Michael Waldon Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I've made somewhat of a timeline to make this easier to read and understand. 1. I date girl before, somewhat briefly. She goes back to her BF. There is much drama. 2. a one-year gap. I don't see or talk to her. 3. They break up. She expresses interest in me, and we begin kinda seeing eachother. 4. I find myself still a little bitter about what happened in event #1. I am also concerned with going too fast (as she is very interested in being together). Thus, I try to take things slowly. In reality, I end up being aloof and coming off as an ******* to her. She is hurt quite a bit, thinking that I'm not interested. 5. Because of the events of #4, we agree to see other people. It should be noted that I protested the whole time. But I agreed, in the end. 6. I realize that I ****ed up, and I take serious steps to remedy it. Things go pretty well for about over a week. However, she is unwilling to stop seeing other people. 7. Now. After several "talks," it's the same thing over and over again. I don't want her to see other people, and she does. But, simultaneously, she really cares for me and wants to see me. Similarly, I don't want to see other people either. My desire is to return to the days of but THREE WEEKS AGO (in event 3), before I'd hurt her. Additional information: -The relationship that she just left was several years in length. -She's stated that she is extremely into me. To the point of considering me a very good candidate for marriage (though we both agree that we're nowhere near that). -Pained as I am, (and I definitely am when we talk about this) I sometimes get angry. She still wants to see me. She insists that she is not "using me," but that she needs to be single for a while. She follows this by explaining that she's incredibly into me, but cannot be with me right now. Similarly, she (and my other female friend) explained to me that women go on dates for reasons other than sex or intimate interest. As a guy, this makes absolutely no sense to me at all. If I ask someone out on a date, it's because i'm either interested in having sex with them or having a relationship with them. Note: this is very different from asking someone to hang out. It doesn't make sense (to me) to be incredibly interested in someone, have them wrapped around your finger, and then still want to see other people. To me, that's clear evidence that they aren't as interested as they claim. - She doesn't know when she'll be ready. Given the circumstances, this is an understandable thing. however, by the same token, I feel like this ALSO points to her not being as interested as she claims. She's willing to see other people and to let me see other people as well. Certainly, if she were as interested as she claims, she would be adverse to me meeting some other girl. - On the reproductive health front, Her and I still have sex. I've made it abundantly clear that I will not have sex with her if she's having sex with others. She claims that she's not interested in it. and I believe her. HOWEVER, we're in college at one of the biggest universities in the US. Guys are wanting to get laid, and sometimes she goes places where they drink (she was at a frat party last night). I'm very, very worried about her getting taken advantage of. She's admitted to me that she's basically had to beat guys off with a stick (not literally). -This just will not go away. My feelings remain the same, and every time I hear about her going on another date, I get very hurt. Her feelings remain the same as well. I really don't know what to do to make this livable other than to cut off all contact until she's ready to see me again. However, this seems like a knee-jerk move that won't really even work at all. I think it'd make things worse, in terms of someday being together. Sorry about the length.
fishtaco Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 It doesn't make sense (to me) to be incredibly interested in someone, have them wrapped around your finger, and then still want to see other people. To me, that's clear evidence that they aren't as interested as they claim. You've just answered your own question. She knows she's got you by the balls, so she's keeping you in the back pocket meanwhile scoping out if she could land someone better. If not, she still has you for a backup plan. I don't mind being a girl's backup plan, especially if she's having sex with me, but I will consider her my backup plan in return. Fair is fair. My advice, throw her game right back at her. Start going on dates with other women. You won't have to worry about not hooking up because you can alway get sex from this girl. As soon as you find someone better than her and is really into you, the choice is obvious. Remember, she's the one that insisted on seeing other people, if she wanted to keep you for herself, then she shouldn't have suggested that. A bonus side affect is that once she finds out you're dating other women, she just might upgrade you to #1. As for becoming "distant", don't do that. Enjoy your time with her, it's about "maintaining your backup". Consider her your temporary girlfriend. As soon as you part, you are no longer together -- kinda like a girlfriend for rent, except it's free -- outta sight, outta mind. As soon as the date with her is over, switch over to single mode, and start scoping out other women, do it mechanically even if you don't feel like it. Eventually you'll get into the right mindset. And most importantly, you won't lose out on opportunities while waiting for her. The truth is one day she could just tell you, oh well, I like this other guys now, sowwy, buh-bye. I hate games, unfortunately the choices are play games or lose.
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