jrosie684 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 hello, all. this is going to be long...so please bear with me. my bf and i began dating last december and everything was so wonderful. he told me the first time he saw me, he knew we would be together and be in love. we did...and consequently expressed our love for one another ... things were wonderful...neither of us have ever, ever felt this way before. he makes me laugh, he challenges me with his brilliance and honesty...he supports me with his love and makes me melt with his eyes and smile. we are both seniors in college now and after a summer of living in the same town (which was so so fun, btw) things started getting rocky. my bestest friend graduated in may and moved to boston... so i supposed when school rolled around in sept i was nervous about the whole social scene and turned to him to be my boyfriend and my bestest girlfriend..simultaneously. this put an insane amount of pressure on him and overwhelmed him (he also takes on sports and other activities in school) after a few weeks of tension (i felt him pushing away bc of my pressure, therefore, i held on tighter and we ended up fighting and ignoring the huge elephant in the middle of the room) we had a blow out (which was completely unlike either of us....never any major fights before this) and he told me that our relationship was overwhelming...he needsto find himself again and needs space. i was distraught, but quickly realized how much pressure i was putting on him and decided that space would be fantastic for both of us and our relationship. you know, time to take a step back and breathe after a month of tension and fear. it didnt last long. the very next night, i went out with my friends and got too drunk and he got worried about me (calling, texting) not knowing where i was and if i was okay (thankfully, i was safely asleep in my girlfriend's bed) i went over to his house early the next morning and crawled into bed with him and was greeted with kisses and hugs. we started laughing and talking and having fun. it felt good. that night we went our separate ways and both stayed in with our friends and talked before going to sleep...again, fun and light and felt fresh. saturday, went out with my friends and ended up seeing him at a bar and he says to me, "i knew you were going to be here, so i came to find you" we locked eyes and began flirting like old times, he bought me a drink and we sat at the bar gazing and laughing and feeling wonderful. we ended up going home together (no sex, bc, pardon me...it was my woman time) but just had such fun together! our relationship was revived....it felt great. i realized what we were missing during our month of tension and how great we are together. this week...we have talked every day and hung out twice and things were progressing nicely. i was happy that this space didnt end us...but was working out. then last night we start talking again and i am confused with what he wants. he said that he didnt feel like he got the space that he needed (which, upon reflection, is true....we've either seen or talked to each other every day since our space time) and believes there is a serious future with him and i. we've discussed the possibility of marriage and children and are madly in love. he is not interested in dating or seeing anyone else, he says he loves me too much to even think of anyone. but now, he wants to take a step further back...saying that half-assing our relationship is not justifying it (he thinks we are way too good together to not give it our all) and needs more time to work on himself so that we can then work on our relationship. i am crushed. i cant bear the thought of life without him. i am scared that this is the end....even though i have hope faith and love for him and us. my mom said that he is becoming a man and having grown up thoughts about himself and thinking in the long term about his life and our life together. i want to give him space and am leaving town for the weekend..... do we just need time? please shed your light on my situation. meeting the love of your life when you both are only 22 is hard and confusing. i know that our intense feelings for each other scare us at times, but i dont want to lose him forever. thank you for anything and everything!
Ripples Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Don't be scared. I think you shouldn't read too much into what he's saying. Take it at face value. He wants some time to get himself together again. Full stop. Try to put him off from seeing you, keep your distance. Doesn't mean you can't be friendly, but keep the distance - and that means no sex, too! It'll work out, and it'll be better than before once he's allowed to pull away a little.
Island Girl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Don't be scared. I think you shouldn't read too much into what he's saying. Take it at face value. He wants some time to get himself together again. Full stop. Try to put him off from seeing you, keep your distance. Doesn't mean you can't be friendly, but keep the distance - and that means no sex, too! It'll work out, and it'll be better than before once he's allowed to pull away a little. Ditto -- he just wants to be ready so when you move forward to more of a commitment he can do that 100% without any doubts about himself. Give him the space he needs - completely as he requests and he'll be back in no time!
silentcharon Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Yep, pull back big time. Let him have his time, let him MISS you. I know you're scared, that is perfectly normal- but let him go. Keep your distance, and if he truly loves you, he would be telling you the truth, he just wants to figure out his life without the relationship aspect in it. this kinda happened with my ex and I (im 22 and he's 23), we were together for 7 years and we broke up back in february. I tried to remain friends with him, but he kept confusing me- he said that he didn't want to be with me but his actions told me other wise, like how he'd try to cuddle with me or ask me if i was coming to bed whenever i was over at his house, only to have me tell him that I'd just sleep on the couch. It got too confusing for me and I couldn't stand trying to be friends with him while he was making up his mind. So I dumped him as a friend, and went into NC. Ever since, he's texted me, called me, inquired my friends about me, complained how he misses me, etc, hell, he even sent me flowers. I think he is in denial about his feelings, about what he wants, the thing is that I refuse to be around to let him mess with my head and my heart. I don't need that, and neither do you. No one deserves to be dragged through the mud like I was, so don't let him do it to you! If he wants to be with you, he'd be with you! But, he's not, so why be there for him! He wants the friendship, with all the couples benefits MINUS the commitment. That was what my ex wanted, and I wouldn't do it. You should not settle for that, you deserve better than that! Give him his space, I agree with your mom- she gave very good advice. Your ex is growing up, and becoming a man. When that happens, men take in account more factors that they normally ignore in their earlier years, ie: the future, the wife, his feelings towards college issues, what he wants in a relationship, etc, etc. They also face more emotions, life has just gotten more complicated for them, they say, WHOA! What is this??? they need to step back and figure things out. He will come back when he is ready, if he is telling you the truth that he doesn't want to date anyone else. Hang in there, this shall pass.
Guest Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Sounds like you should reevaluate the whole "love of my life" moniker for this person. Sure, giving him space may work, but I'll only anecdotally say (not scientifically verified, mind you) that no couple friends of mine have ever survived the whole "needing space" talk. Bigger issues surface as motivations for this need. What they are, I don't know, but I don't buy into the idea that the "love of your life" would need space from you to improve his relationship with you or to see if your relationship is for real. The nice thing of this situation is, giving him space may work, but it may also help you see more clearly what it is you want out of the relationship and to make you less dependent on it for your happiness. Because that begins within yourself.
Island Girl Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 The nice thing of this situation is, giving him space may work, but it may also help you see more clearly what it is you want out of the relationship and to make you less dependent on it for your happiness. Because that begins within yourself. So true. Gaining a sense of independence where you have a life outside of the relationship, value yourself, and are a happy person with or without it will only serve to make this relationship or another stronger and healthier.
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