csandov Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I have been married for 15 years with 2 kids. My husband and I both got very verbally abusive, we argued, did not get along. Finally, a week ago my husband moved out. He is very involved with the kids, picks them up everyday. He is very angry towards me, does not speak with me. He is very short with me. I think maybe we just need a break, however I dont see things getting better. I also avoid him and try not to speak with him, since he is so bitter and angry. I would appreciate advise.
Gunny376 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Sounds as though you're caught up in a negative emotional downward spirial that is feeding on itself ~ its become an enitinty of its on. Everyone needs to just pull back, calm down, re-group. That's the short term solution. While doing so, both of your need to re-claim your control of your emotions, if y ou're not in control of your emotions ~ youre emotions are in control of you. Your emotional mind and rational mind are not one and the same. Your emotional mind is very much a spoiled little child. Your rational mind is the adult. (There's a bunch of Freudian pyschological terms I could throw at you ~ but I'm keeping it simple in layman's terms) The longer term solution is get busy learning, reading, growing and find out what works and doesn't work. What you're doing ~ doesn't work. Its not your fault. Its not his fault. The two of you, like most of us didn't have the pre-requistite knowledge nor experience to be married. We just "jumped the broom" as they say down South, and Bam! You're married. Before you know it, (thanks to the easy credit terms of the consumer~credit industry that issues credit cards to dead people and pets) you've got bills, the boss is riding your azz, etc. Say goodbye to the human race ~ Hello rat race! You're going to have to post much more, and be specific if you want our opinions. More is better, its annoynomous so don't hesitate.
anna13 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I have been married for 15 years with 2 kids. My husband and I both got very verbally abusive, we argued, did not get along. Finally, a week ago my husband moved out. He is very involved with the kids, picks them up everyday. He is very angry towards me, does not speak with me. He is very short with me. I think maybe we just need a break, however I dont see things getting better. I also avoid him and try not to speak with him, since he is so bitter and angry. I would appreciate advise. I think just time will help for now , give it a week or so to difuse. My husband I were really rocky before he moved out a few weeks ago. he was so full of anger he wouldnt even speak to me , told me that the sound of my voice irritated him , basically i thought we were done. but recently after i gave him "space" ( i don't care for that word by the way ) It wass soooo hard for me but I managed to leave him alone ... his anger has subsided since then and he seems much more interested in working on things between us. no guarentee but at least his hard anger isnt there any more. I would say from my own experience so far, that just give it some time , give him some time to work out the anger and start to think( i realized recently men need that alone time to think , and whenever he contacts you about the kids or whatnots just be pleasant to him , even if your really angry or sad , just try to stay calm. I read some where that this is like a bad cycle ... maybe he says (A) then you react (B) then he reacts © and so on. but if he acts (A) and you act (M) then he cannot react © ... so being polite when he calls may throw off the angry cycle you guys are in . I hope that makes sense to you . I found that this simple (A,B,C) thing helped me alot. Like if he said something that made me want to react one way I would conciously(spelling?) react a different way and I noticed that his response changed. I don't want you to think that i think that it is that easy or your situation is simple , because I know it isnt , but it is one of the things that helped me and like I said my husband couldnt stand the sight of me when he left. and he is better now. so I wanted to share that. and also give things time to work. definitly keep posting here so you can get the support you need. this place has helped me soo much since my husband left. and I know it will help anyone going through this.
Gunny376 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I think just time will help for now , give it a week or so to difuse. My husband I were really rocky before he moved out a few weeks ago. he was so full of anger he wouldnt even speak to me , told me that the sound of my voice irritated him , basically i thought we were done. but recently after i gave him "space" ( i don't care for that word by the way ) It wass soooo hard for me but I managed to leave him alone ... his anger has subsided since then and he seems much more interested in working on things between us. no guarentee but at least his hard anger isnt there any more. I would say from my own experience so far, that just give it some time , give him some time to work out the anger and start to think( i realized recently men need that alone time to think , and whenever he contacts you about the kids or whatnots just be pleasant to him , even if your really angry or sad , just try to stay calm. I read some where that this is like a bad cycle ... maybe he says (A) then you react (B) then he reacts © and so on. but if he acts (A) and you act (M) then he cannot react © ... so being polite when he calls may throw off the angry cycle you guys are in . I hope that makes sense to you . I found that this simple (A,B,C) thing helped me alot. Like if he said something that made me want to react one way I would conciously(spelling?) react a different way and I noticed that his response changed. I don't want you to think that i think that it is that easy or your situation is simple , because I know it isnt , but it is one of the things that helped me and like I said my husband couldnt stand the sight of me when he left. and he is better now. so I wanted to share that. and also give things time to work. definitly keep posting here so you can get the support you need. this place has helped me soo much since my husband left. and I know it will help anyone going through this. Take the pebble from my hand, Grasshopper! Yes! That's what I was saying, when I was PO'd! Just give me some space, just give me some time! Let me come up for air! Let me go off to my cave and think! Just let me be! Just leave and let me be! Leave me alone to go out and ride and live on the back forty with just an old oil drum fire, a good dog, and a fifth of whiskey. Just let me be with my solitude! I needed that! I wanted that, I had to have that!
Author csandov Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 Thanks so much for the advise. I figured that space would be the best thing. My husband is very proud, I dont see him ever taking the first step to try and work things out. He is a great father, and has to come to the house everyday. I am at work, so I dont see him. He wants to avoid me at all cost. I dont think he is having a affair, we got married young. After 15 years, I believe we just got the arguments and distance due to work and life take its toll. The feedback really helped me.
Recommended Posts