Another trial separation chapter 2

[PWSX3]

Sounds like fun...

 

I have the boys this weekend..taking up to my mothers. The boys always had a ood time up there... and my mother loves to see them. So its a 'mini vacation...

 

Plus my mother is a retired chief... so the food is always...AWSOME..

 

Have fun

Did I mention I do except care packages?!?!?!?!?

Oh wait I'm trying to lose weight:D

[ilmw]

Did I mention I do except care packages?!?!?!?!?

Oh wait I'm trying to lose weight:D

 

:lmao:

 

Had Roast Beef and potatoes... veg...

 

It was awsome as always... nice to have restuarant level food from...mommy

 

but alas... no left overs.. for a care package...

[PWSX3]

:lmao:

 

Had Roast Beef and potatoes... veg...

 

It was awsome as always... nice to have restuarant level food from...mommy

 

but alas... no left overs.. for a care package...

As long as you enjoyed it for me then that is good enough! There is nothing like mom's cooking that's for sure.

[Gunny376]

For 20 years I had my 'privs" (privates) complain about the chow at the messhall. I always thought that the Marine cooks always did a bang-up job with the chow. It was hot, it was well prepared, it taste good, and there were a lot of choices. My favorite was Syrian Beef Stew on Rice. And Corned Beef and potatoes. And, Brats and saurekraut, and ............

 

Anyway, the reason they were complaining wasn't becase the chow was bad, but because they were use to "Mom's" homecooking!

[PWSX3]

Today I saw my counselor and it was very good. We went over some things that have been bothering me, some things that hurt me when T & went a couple weeks ago. She said she could tell I was paying more attention when she talked and she also said she was proud of what I have been working on.

 

This afternoon T called me and said we needed to get together and talk about our son, so I was a little nervous about that. We met at my dad's shop because we couldn't think of a good public place to meet. It went really well, we talked about his grades, what things I do at my house such as him eating breakfast, etc. and things she does at her house. Sounds like she is having a little trouble with him doing some things but I didn't want to say; he is doing them for me because that isn't cool.

I cancelled our appointment in two weeks with our counselor because I just can't afford going by myself and joint sessions and right now I need to do it for me so I told T what I had done that I was sorry I didn't discuss it with her first but I wanted to discuss it with our counselor before telling her & then I explained why I did it and she was fine with it and understood why I had done it.

Then we talked about some dishes I was thinking of buying to add to the ones we have and instead now I'm thinking of sell the ones I have because I guess they are antique and I can sell them and buy a new set for the money I make. When I told T about it she said she didn't like those plates and if I wanted I could sell them.

She had been to the store and bought apples and gave me 4 of them and gave me back three blankets that she had taken when she moved out. Said she didn't need them and I might want them.

 

I think I handled myself very well, I listened to what she had to say, I didn't take charge of what was said.

 

Gunny, Dgiirl, a4a, ilmw, recordproducer, Lor, and everyone else that has helped me out I think you would have been proud of me and I thank you all for the help and support that you have given me.

 

I look at it like this, I have gathered all my tools, now it's time to rebuild this antique hotrod into a new and improved modern hotrod!!!! (V-8 of course)

[Gunny376]

Oh ! Trust me! We're proud of you! Espesically me! I'm proud that you didn't step on a land mine! That "Charlie" or "Hajii" didn't take you out the game!

[Gunny376]

Oh ! Trust me! We're proud of you! Espesically me! I'm proud that you didn't step on a land mine! That "Charlie" or "Hajii" didn't take you out the game!

 

Excuse me ~ I have those moments of insanity! I'm screwed up, I'm ****ed up, ~ I know it!

[PWSX3]

Gunny you aren't hitting the sauce again are you???

[dgiirl]

PW, sounds like you did an awesome job. I think the thing you need to remember, and one that I need to work on myself, is not to worry over every single decision to the point that you become paralyzed. It's good to make decisions and even better to take ownership over them. Of course you need to consider others when those decisions concern them, and when talking to others you need to consider their feelings and when possible make compromises, but when you are in a situation where you need to make a decision, own it. You did a great job here. You decided for yourself that you could not afford joint counselling and you explained that to your wife by taking ownership of that decision.

 

See, the end result doesnt matter so much as how and why you do things. If you cancelled counselling because you didnt get the expected results from her, then by cancelling counselling, you would be "punishing" her and that would be controlling. In this case, you shifted the focus onto you and took ownership of it by saying you simply could not afford both and you appologized to her. You even acknowledged to her that you should have spoken to her sooner, but you wanted to talk to the therapist first. She was able to understand your reasons and know it wasnt an attack onto her. Her defenses came down and she acted in kind. You showed respect towards her by briefly explaining the reasons behind your actions.

 

Good job

[PWSX3]

The guys at work are not the best of help since they just set around and talk about all the girls they banged when they were in high school and that I should be out getting as much as I can, but it has made me think about things.

 

Yesterday they wanted to know how things went with T & me when we met and talked and if I got any? I said; no and didn't plan on getting any so my question is this; If T would ask me to be sexual would it be wrong that I tell her "NO"?

 

I feel at this point in my life and what I am learning about myself that I don't want sex with her at this time. I still want to grow and see the changes I am making then once that happens then I need to start learning to love who T is again and if that is what I want...

I don't want the physical part of what we have cloud my thoughts so if she would ask I would have to say no. I have read on here where people do have sex and it just confuses things and I don't want that.

 

I am learning that I just need to grow up (even in my 40's), I have always had my mom do things for me when I was young and then when we were married T did a lot of the things for me such as cleaning, cooking, etc. and so I never learned to be my own person or be responsible for who I am.

I guess having that talk with her and the trouble she is having with our son showed me that and maybe I'm moving on and she is still just in nuetral at this time.

I sent her an email last night and just gave her some suggestions that she might try with our son. In the email I made sure that she understood that she needs to tell them to him in such a way that they are for him not for her or me and that he needs to be responsible as much as we are.

 

I am in no hurry to get back together at this time, sure I still get those moments when I miss her and I look at those as good signs that means I still have feelings for her but I don't need her or any other woman in my life right now.

I am starting to see when I meet someone and I smile that they can see the kindness in my smile and that I am a good person, at the gym it's nice just to visit with someone just to visit. At work I have people tell me they can tell just by my voice that I'm doing better and seem to be a lot happer.

 

T asked me if this separation has helped me and I told her; it has helped me 100% and I even went as far as to tell her I'm glad it has happened.

 

Tomorrow I go out with my friend to a country bar (which I don't listen to much country) to meet some of her friends and watch them dance. I don't dance but if someone askes me I won't say no. She has really helped me to not be narrow minded and if new things come along to give them a try because you never know you might like it.

 

Our counselor did tell me she was hurt because I am trying all these new things and I told her it all started 5 years ago when we first started seeing her and I had to plan dates so I would plan dates that I did't really like such as dinner theaters or different shows but I thought maybe T would like them and then I started to enjoy them.

The reason she is hurt is because she wishes that T & I would have been doing this growing and trying new things together instead of me doing them now on my own.

[ilmw]

Hi there,

 

Realy sounds like you are doing good... getting out doing different things.. awsome...

 

Getting grounded... getting to know you .... fantastic....

 

Just remember... take it one day at a time.... worry about you... and all else will fall into place...

 

At some point in time... you will know what you will won't to do... and do it.. You will have created a foundation ... that is solid... and will not crack.. and will weather all storms... so lifes little storms.. will just run off your sides..

 

Yah get the picture...

 

Once again.... all sounds great.

ilmw

[dgiirl]

Our counselor did tell me she was hurt because I am trying all these new things and I told her it all started 5 years ago when we first started seeing her and I had to plan dates so I would plan dates that I did't really like such as dinner theaters or different shows but I thought maybe T would like them and then I started to enjoy them.

The reason she is hurt is because she wishes that T & I would have been doing this growing and trying new things together instead of me doing them now on my own.

 

PW, I would ask the counsellor what she thinks you should do?

 

The way I see it is you needed this wake up call to see how you were living. And now that you have this wakeup call, you're going to live life again. You would love to share that with your wife, and if she is willing, you could plan something for the two of you to do together? I would ask the counsellor if this is something you think could work? 99.9% chance your wife will flat out refuse. But by simply asking, with absolutely no pressure at all, it might soften her just a little bit. Perhaps she needs to know that yes, you are trying new things, you are changing, and you will continue to change, but you would like to change with her. And that if you two did get back together, you will not revert back to old ways.

 

Just a thought. Not sure if it would even work. Hence, ask the therapist

[PWSX3]

There is this show coming to a town close to us called Barrage and we saw something like it last year so I thought I would ask T if she wanted to go. I sent her an email and just asked if she wanted to check it out, didn't have the date or anything like that in my email.

I got a reply that said; I'm not ready to date but maybe we could go as a family, let me think about it.

I called her later in the day about our son and asked her if she had decided because I needed to get tickets this weekend if she wanted to go and she said; she didn't feel she was ready and that maybe we could do something next month so I told her that was fine and maybe my and Patrick could just go ourselves.

Right now we are having some issues with our boy and school so that has been hard trying to email, talk on the phone and make sure we are on the same page with everything.

I am still looking at it as if we might get back together and maybe I should just keep working on myself and let her be the one to start planning when we will see each other.

 

Last night I went and met my friend (works at another brach of ours) at the country bar and she introduced me to all (most) of her friends. It was really fun watching her dance with different guys and to see her having so much fun. She went thru a divorce 5 yrs ago and for her it was the best thing she could have done.

I don't dance but I told her if they did a slower song that I would dance with her but they never did so I got out of dancing.

I told her now that she took me dancing I'm going to take her 4-wheeling this spring, which she wasn't to excited about (scared of heigths I think) but she tells me to get out and try new things so I told her I would take her on an easy trip because I don't want to scare her and she would never want to go again.

She has been a lot of help and support for me and to look at things diffrently.

[PWSX3]

WOW I just read a post that riobikini put in Chadnickole's thread and that is what I'm doing. I'm trying to get us back together by planning things we can do together and I think I need to slow down just a notch or two.

 

I still need to sort out things for myself, I keep forgetting. I need to just set back and let T make some of the first moves as far as getting back together, let her chase me for a change. So far the only time we have got together to talk is for questions on money or about our son and none of it has been about us on her part.

 

I know everyone says to take it slow and I haven't been doing that.

 

Thank you riobikini

[PWSX3]

The W called me today and we talked about our son and what he needs to do in school etc. then she said we need to do that every Monday so we can keep on top of things, he isn't getting very good grades right now.

 

I don't think it is because of the separation because he didn't get the best of grades last year and even in grade school we had to really work with him.

 

Since she doesn't ever ask how I'm doing or say anything about "us" is this maybe just a way she can kind of keep in touch without really saying she is??

 

I know keep it slow but I guess I would like to know if she is trying to find the things she might be able to change to make our marriage work again, I know in my eyes there are things but there's nothing I can do about it.

 

Got my carpet fixed yesterday and cleaned and it really looks nice, now I have to move everything back in. My cousin said something yesterday when they were cleaning the carpets that my place looked pretty clean and I was proud of that because it hasn't always been that way if you know what I mean?????

 

Hey Lor, if you happen to read this I got an oven toaster and I was wondering if it is more effeciant then using the big oven for things like pizza, heating things up, etc. The stove is 220 and the oven toaster is 120 but that doesn't always mean the 120V is cheaper to run then 240V. Just thought you might know or know someone you could ask because I was just wondering.

[PWSX3]

Last night me & my son went and watched the local collage womans volleyball game and afterwards he said; that was a lot of fun. We shared a nacho & dip & dots and just had a good time even though our team lost in 5 games.

 

Before we left we sat down and planned our Christmas for this year, since money is tight I asked him what he thought if we (him & I) just go eat at a restaurant that we don't get to go to very often instead of buying gifts and he thought that was a good idea.

We have two to choice from, one is chinese which both of us like & the other is Italian which we both like, but the Italian is all you can eat and I wouldn't get my money's worth because I wouldn't eat until I hurt so bad I can't hardly walk like I used to do but when it gets closer we will decide.

 

In the past I haven't enjoyed Christmas like you should because I feel it's just to commercial anymore but then I thought to myself; self why do you let it get to you, you are the one in control of how you celabrate Christmans so that is why we are going to just do something simple just the two of us that we can enjoy our time as our little family.

I know it's a month a way and things might change but that is the plan for now.

 

Time to hit the health club and get that out of the way for the day.

 

Hope everyone has a great weekend and can get outside and enjoy some sunshine!!!!!

[dgiirl]

In the past I haven't enjoyed Christmas like you should because I feel it's just to commercial anymore but then I thought to myself; self why do you let it get to you, you are the one in control of how you celabrate Christmans so that is why we are going to just do something simple just the two of us that we can enjoy our time as our little family.

 

I'm pretty impressed pw!! You are realizing that you are in control of your happiness, and by changing the way you look at something, you can change your feelings towards it. Yes, Christmas can be very commerical, but there's no reason to get angry over it, nor not enjoy it. You can celebrate it anyway you wish.

[PWSX3]

Tonight the W called and wanted to make sure we are on the same page with our son. He is suppose to get a job to pay for his gas and insurance on his vehicle by next month and he has had this month to look and the school even found a couple places for him to check out but he didn't/won't check them out so we told him if he can't pay for his insurance by next month he won't be able to drive his Sami.

 

That is all fine but now the W wants us to take him to school if he doesn't find a job and we ground him and I told her I would't do that. If he can't find a job and pay for his insurance then he can find a way to get to school. No they don't have busses, he goes to a private school.

 

I feel if we take him to school then he doesn't learn from taking driving privileges away. Then she said we need to have the same rules for him and I told her I felt what she did at her house is her business and what I do is mine but she thinks we should have the same punishment even though he does different things at each house.

 

It seems like the only time she calls or wants to talk is about Patrick or money and not us, so I'm starting to get a little tired of it.

 

I got my Divorce busting book today along with Getting the Love you want so hopefully they will put another piece in my puzzle.

[PWSX3]

I just want to wish everyone a

 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!!!!

 

 

I want to thank everyone on this board that have helped and supported me and the others that are going thru a tuff time right now, I know for me it has been a blessing meeting everyone on this site.

 

The list would be to long & I know I would miss someone and I don't want to do that.

 

THANK YOU, THANK YOU THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart!!!!

[dgiirl]

Happy Thanksgiving PW psst, you're a month late, but i'll forgive you

[Gunny376]

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Perry! Hope you have a great one! Don't eat too much!

[PWSX3]

Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, Perry! Hope you have a great one! Don't eat too much!

Not me, I've lost 33 pounds and I'm not putting it back on just for Turkey.

Since T has our son this week I'm going to my folks for Mashed potatoes (better then turkey) and whatever else she plans on fixing. I told her don't worry about making a turkey because they don't eat that much meat and I'm not going to eat that much food.

Today was my dad's birthday so I had to have a piece of co-co nut cream pie ever more better then turkey!!!

 

You have a good one to Gunny

[PWSX3]

Tonight the W called and asked me what day me and my son were doing the toys-for-tots run and I said Dec. 2nd.

She said that was the day they were taking her folks out to eat for there anniversary and I said I guess Patrick won't be going with me then.

She said maybe he could do both and I said no just do your thing because you already planned it.

 

After I hung up I felt hurt that she would take Patrick on one of my days I have him so I called her back to let her know that it hurt me that she was taking him on a day I supposes to have him.

 

She explained that when she made that date it was one of her days but since we changed them around a little it did't land on her day anymore so after that I kind of understood.

Anyway we started talking about things about us instead of just Patrick, she thanked me for her Thanksgiving card I gave her and then we talked about some of the books I have been reading. The reason that came up is she asked me what book she had that I have read? I told her I didn't know and she told me it was The 5 love languages. She had talked to the friend I borrowed it from and he told her so I thought since she brought it up I would tell her about the other books I'm reading. I think she was impressed since I don't read that much but it was good to just talk about us for a while.

 

That in itself made for a good evening and a good start to the long weekend. Now if someone wants to help me replace wheel bearings on my Explorer on Sunday that would finish my weekend really well. :D

[Gunny376]

That in itself made for a good evening and a good start to the long weekend. Now if someone wants to help me replace wheel bearings on my Explorer on Sunday that would finish my weekend really well. :D

 

Forget you!

 

Give you marital advice? No problem!

 

Help you change your wheel bearings? I don't know you that well!

[dgiirl]

hmmmmmmm coconut cream pie... my absolute to die for favourite.

 

 

PW, sounds like you had a really good interaction with your wife. I'm glad you expressed your hurt feelings and took the time to explain that to her and listen to her explanation. Sounds like you both are communicating better Good job!