Another trial separation chapter 2

October 25, 2006

My son just called me and said his mom's car broke down and he was trying to figure out what it was. I helped him over the phone check the atifreeze because he could smell it and he also said it was smoking when they shut it off. I told him sorry son but your mom is going to have to figure it out herself. He said; I think she hit a crisis because she was telling him she has spent to much money already on the car (oil change) and didn't have money to fix her car. Only thing I can say is;
it's not my problem. (that's hard to do)
Tomorrow will be the first time since Aug. 31st that we have seen each other. Going to the counselors tomorrow with a positive attitude!!!

Hay,

Like I said before.... keep your course... steady as she goes...

Looks like and sounds like your doing good... keep it up...

..ilmw

October 25, 2006

sounds like a hose blew (hopefully that is all), so if she asks you to fix it what is your plan of action?

October 25, 2006

sounds like a hose blew (hopefully that is all), so if she asks you to fix it what is your plan of action?

I thought about that last night and I just couldn't put the words in a nice way.

I guess I would just say; I am sorry but at this time I wouldn't be able to help her, I don't think it would be fair to her or to me at this time in our relationship for me to help her out.

I know Mr. evil is still cruising around in my head and it would be really easy to say; you got yourself into this miss now figure it out but it's not just her getting herself into this miss is was both of us and we both need to learn our listens from the obsticles that are going to be thrown at us wether it is one at her or one at me we are both going to get them to test our strenths and weeknesses.

October 26, 2006

Today was the BIG DAY, first time seeing T in almost two months and only talking to her once on the phone.

When we get there she hands the counselor two pages of handwritten stuff and I'm thinking oh no what is all that about because T didn't look in a really good mood.

The counselor said; very good looks like you are leading the meeting and then said will at least half of it. Asked me if I had anything I wanted to talk about and I just told her I was there to listen.

She started in on the money she has spent on our son buying new cloths so he didn't have to carry his cloths in a suitcase each week, then on his doctor, etc. etc. and she felt I should pay for half of the doctor.

Then she said when she figured out her side of the bills she didn't figure in her pills she takes and something else so she didn't have any extra money to help me with the money she first told me she would.

Then she asked if I was getting help because she heard I got an Ipod and I told her; the way I got the Ipod was by not spending so much money on food that I had aloud myself and that is how I bought it.

She also asked me why I had gone over and talked to her folks about a month after she moved out. I told her it was just to tell them that there are things I see I need to work on that I was working on making myself a better person and that I just wanted to let them know I still see them as family.

She just said; she thought I was checking up on her by talking to them.

She also talked about our son needs to find a job and start paying for his insurance and gas in his vehicle and I agreed and then she brought some junk mail that I thought was hers and she said; I don't need mail that says resident. I explained I wasn't sure if it was something she might need since it was something she is interested in so she might go to the post office and have anything with her name delivered to her new address.

Then she said her car broke down and that she was going to have to get it fixed that she had called the mechanic next to my dads shop to have him look at it. I asked if I could say something and I explained when my boy called and asked me what he should do the first thing I thought was to go help, the second was to say sorry you want to be on your own then you deal with it.

I thought about it (got some good advice) and if that was a friend that needed help I would go help so I told her if she wanted my help then she could call me. She said thanks and she would think about it but at least I left it up to her and she thank me for not coming over last night. (controlling situation I'm working on)

My mom called this evening and said my dad and the mechanic went over and towed her car to his shop so I guess I won't have to work on it.

She showed the counselor pictures of her new apartment and I gave her a couple things I had printed off the internet and that was it. We set up an appointment for in a month and T did tell the counselor that she isn't ready to work on our relationship just yet and the counselor said that was fine that just wanting to come and talk is good enough for now. I also let T know I am not ready to work on it that I need to make myself a better person first. We went outside talked and laughed a little and I even gave her a small hug. ( I hug everyone)

The no contact is off and we can call or email each other but she didn't want me calling every 10 minutes but at this time I don't plan on calling just for the chit chat stuff I still want to keep my distance.

Anyway onward and forward or however they say that.

October 26, 2006

Well sounds like you had a good first meeting. At least you both know where you stand right now and I think that it was good that you told her that you wanted to make yourself a better person. This way she can see that you want are willing to make a change.

October 26, 2006

Sounds good...

Keep up the growing... self reflection... and learning...

Keep reading and re reading... make the positive changes a habit... makes them stick... makes them actual changes... not just "hot air"

You'll know... when something changes.... it is like a "Pop!" inside..

I find it happens at the strangist times.... I was driveing over to the Dw's house today... and "Pop!" I felt this strength surge inside.... Its weird stuff... but it is real:)

Kinda cool... Kinda like getting an 'A' in math class.... umm actually that never ever happened:lmao: :lmao:

Take care...

ilmw

October 26, 2006

Kinda cool... Kinda like getting an 'A' in math class.... umm actually that never ever happened:lmao: :lmao:

Funny, I never had that feeling either. :laugh: but you are correct I really felt good about myself and I know T had to notice the change just in how I look (down 30 pounds) and as she was leaving I said; I hope to show you I'm changing and not by talking!!!

Tonight I really feel good about myself and what I have learned. It really does make you proud.

I do have to say when I walked into the hall and T was setting there in the chair and I said hi and we starting talking about a wreck that was on the road it felt more like I was talking to a friend or stranger and not my wife. She did tell me when she saw the wreck she was a little worried for me because she knew I would be there before she was.

October 26, 2006

I'm sixteen years the otherside of where you're at.

Its all about you, your life, about becoming and being a better person. I hope, I really do hope that you and Terri come out the otherside of this as a married couple. But, its about learning and growing. Its about getting "real" about yourself and your life. The time to get "real" is here and now!

October 26, 2006

Great lesson here I think.

You can work on yourself without slamming the door in the face of your SO.

I believe if you continue to treat her with respect and kindness that your r will be better with Teri. I think eventually she will believe and see the changes in you. Time, lots of time. And regardless if the M is dissolved or not it is very important that you both communicate with one another for the sake of your son, and to set good role models for him.

Anger and spite do not serve well.

October 26, 2006

I'm sixteen years the otherside of where you're at.

Its all about you, your life, about becoming and being a better person. I hope, I really do hope that you and Terri come out the otherside of this as a married couple. But, its about learning and growing. Its about getting "real" about yourself and your life. The time to get "real" is here and now!

Gunny you are so right, I think right now the stuggle I am having is finding myself. I want to make sure I know who and what I want and being with someone isn't that important right now.

I have had thoughts in my past that I wondered if we should be married and if we were married just because it was comfortable and that is what we were just used to. Now that we are separated I need to really take a "GOOD LOOK" at who I am, what I want. Sure she was the one that moved out but now I have a choice if I want her back or not.

As I look back at our relationship we needed help a long time ago, I wish I know what I do now about 20-25 years ago because then we could have been working together on a better marriage.

I feel because of her being passive made me more controlling and I could just do what I wanted to so I never grew up like a married couple should. My friend that has dated a lot of woman told me he thought it was wierd that I could do some of the things I did and T never got mad at me when she should have put her foot down and said something. I just thought she was different then most woman in reality she was hurting inside and never said anything.

PS(while taking my shower)

I thought of what I wrote and I do need to remind myself that T is also supose to be working on herself and making herself a better person and even though it didn't show yesterday much she could be. The counselor did say something to T as she was looking at the pictures of her apartment that it looked really clean and kept up, which is a positive.

October 26, 2006

Ahhh...

That sounded better... you are talking in positives..

You are repeating the need to find yourself... and become a better person... The need not to rush into things...

Recognising our own faults... and making the conscious decision to make changes ... by creating a game plan... is what it is all about.

Excellent...

What you believe...you can achieve... ... I think this is another AMWAY quote.. :lmao:

Not knocking AMWAY... allot of good self help and positive thinking..material stuff from that bunch:)

BTW...would you like to place an order for dish soap;) ... :lmao:

Kidding:D

October 27, 2006

I had a couple pleasent surprises today. This morning I emailed T and asked her if she wanted to take over our land line because I'm getting rid of it. I need to cut back on bills to make it each month and that is one I can do since I own a cell phone. She replied and said no she didn't want it but thanks for asking, you have to remember this is a phone number we have had for over 20 years, it's going to be sad to finally get rid of it but I have no choice.

Anyway in her reply she talked about a couple things and we emailed about 4 times back and forth and in the last one I asked one more question and said that would be all I would bother her. She also told me she was picking up my dog and getting his teeth cleaned and see why he has trouble moving after I walk him. (my son would go in and get Kobi since she doesn't come into my house as of now)

Her response was; that's ok all the emails we had done were fine with her.

When I get home this evening there is a sack of chips and a container of salsa from our favorite mexican restaurant on the counter. When my son came home he said mom brought them from work for me. Since she was still out in the vehicle I went out and told her; thank you very much for the chips and salsa that it was very nice that she thought of me. She told me they were at her work and no one was going to take them home so she took one for me and one for her.

You would never think something that small would make someone feel so good, it brought tears to my eyes thinking of what she did.

October 27, 2006

You would never think something that small would make someone feel so good, it brought tears to my eyes thinking of what she did.

I know how you feel...

But as time goes by... you learn to not read into it.... (not being negative because it was I nice thing for her to do:) )

But... I used to cling to small bits of kindess.. my DW would dish out...

I still get excited now... when she does something nice.. or says something positive... but that feeling quickly disappears... reality quickly sets in...and I am back to what is real.... we are not together.

I am always positive and upbeat when I speak with her... but then again... I tend to be that way with everyone now... so it is in fact not a front or a put on mask.... but a real change:)

Keep on doing the things for you... and take notice if she does the same...for you...

Play safe...

Be good.. but most of all be the best you.. you can be:D

ilmw

October 27, 2006

I know how you feel...

But as time goes by... you learn to not read into it.... (not being negative because it was I nice thing for her to do:) )

But... I used to cling to small bits of kindess.. my DW would dish out...

I still get excited now... when she does something nice.. or says something positive... but that feeling quickly disappears... reality quickly sets in...and I am back to what is real.... we are not together.

I am always positive and upbeat when I speak with her... but then again... I tend to be that way with everyone now... so it is in fact not a front or a put on mask.... but a real change:)

Keep on doing the things for you... and take notice if she does the same...for you...

Play safe...
Be good.. but most of all be the best you.. you can be:D

ilmw

Thanks ilmw I know it was just one thing but at least I have a feeling she still thinks of me.

I know I have to keep doing what is best for me and if I do that like you said others will notice. I will keep working on what I need and I do know even with all the work I will have put in there is a chance we won't get back together but at least then I will know why & I can say I have done everything I can and we were just not met to be.

October 27, 2006

Just because you may not end up residing in the same household does not mean that you cannot be kind to eachother for the rest of your life.

Some people feel the need to hold onto bitterness and hatred if rejected/hurt. That only causes more bitterness/hurt in the long run.

October 27, 2006

I heard a good quote on Ophra yesterday. Rejection is direction.

October 27, 2006

I heard a good quote on Ophra yesterday. Rejection is direction.

Dag I thought it was "point your erection in my direction"

I cannot keep quotes straight.

anywho: your perception of rejection may give you positive direction?

October 27, 2006

Dag I thought it was "point your erection in my direction"

I cannot keep quotes straight.

anywho: your perception of rejection may give you positive direction?

:lmao: omg, ruin the quote for me Now i'm going to be thinking of yours instead of ophra's

October 27, 2006

Dag I thought it was "point your erection in my direction"

I cannot keep quotes straight.

Will that is my least worries at this time. s at the gym don't even make me take a second look except that one with the nice tush!.... At least that shows me I'm not yet.

October 27, 2006

Will today was wierd, I need to cut back on bills so I cancelled my home phone. It almost brought a tear to my eye after calling the phone company. We have had that number for over 20 years and maybe it's just because it's another change or letting go of something I have had a long time I don't know.

Anyway I do have a cell (opposite of Gunny) phone, I share a family plan with my folks, T, and my son and so it will be affordable.

October 31, 2006

Last week when me & T met with our counselor T told me she didn't have the extra $75.00 a month she was going to give me to help me on my bills because she hadn't figured in her meds that she is on so she has no extra money.

This means the only way I can get extra money is by cutting back so I cancelled my phone, dropped my cable down to the basic channels.

I still want to see our counselor for myself so I have to save the money for that buy watching what I eat and how much gas I buy for the vehicle. We also have a joint meeting in 3 weeks and here is my question.

I can not afford to do both my own counseling and joint so I was planning on telling our counselor on the 6th that I want to cancel our joint appointment. The last time we met together T said she wasn't ready to work on our relationship so I feel it would be in my better interest to keep doing the one on one and just not do any couple counsoling at this time...

What do you think????

The only person I will have to live with after this is all over is myself and I want to make sure I learn who I am so I can do better in another relationship down the road and yes if it was meant to be that could be with T as well.

October 31, 2006

Do what you need to do for yourself, P. You hit the nail on the head with the fact that you need to do for yourself, vs your M.

November 1, 2006

Had plans to go to some friends house tonight so Patrick could hand out candy and scare kids but he forgot to go to his tutor this afternoon so I told him we couldn't go.

I don't know who was hurt worse me not being able to get out with friends or Patrick not getting to scare kids.

We sat at the table and talked about his choices he had made starting last night staying up to late and I have to say even things I'm learning about me & the wife came in handy with my son. I did get after him on the phone earlier in the day, which I should not have done but he stood up and let me know this evening it bothered him so we talked about it and we both felt better afterwards.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween for me...............

Had a run day with that and trying to figure out what will happen next Monday when I see my counselor.

November 3, 2006

Tonight my boy had something planned for me & him so he needed to take out some money from his savings and he had to have his mom there because she is also on the account so we all met at the bank. The place he was taking me is a slot track just a few stores down so we were telling his mom about it and so I just envited her to come check it out if she wanted and she did. We walked around and checked out the cars and how much you can spend on them and talked about maybe having a birthday party there for him, then she got on her phone. When she got off the phone she said she had to go pay her rent and was off.

I told her thanks for coming down with us and checking it out and then she told my boy good-bye and she left.

I don't think she minded checking it out but you could tell she didn't really want to stand to close to me while we walked to the store.

At least we were together and at least she had some contact with me so she won't forget who I am.

We ended up staying and just watching but plan on going down and renting a couple cars tomorrow evening and my son & I will have our own race.

November 3, 2006

Tonight my boy had something planned for me & him so he needed to take out some money from his savings and he had to have his mom there because she is also on the account so we all met at the bank. The place he was taking me is a slot track just a few stores down so we were telling his mom about it and so I just envited her to come check it out if she wanted and she did. We walked around and checked out the cars and how much you can spend on them and talked about maybe having a birthday party there for him, then she got on her phone. When she got off the phone she said she had to go pay her rent and was off.
I told her thanks for coming down with us and checking it out and then she told my boy good-bye and she left.
I don't think she minded checking it out but you could tell she didn't really want to stand to close to me while we walked to the store.
At least we were together and at least she had some contact with me so she won't forget who I am.
We ended up staying and just watching but plan on going down and renting a couple cars tomorrow evening and my son & I will have our own race.

Sounds like fun...

I have the boys this weekend..taking up to my mothers. The boys always had a ood time up there... and my mother loves to see them. So its a 'mini vacation...

Plus my mother is a retired chief... so the food is always...AWSOME..

Have fun

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