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Posted
Yes it has crossed my mind many of times but I do feel there are things she is going thru right now that she needs to deal with first.

 

Last night we sat down & had a very good talk. She shared her feelings with me about her friend that just passed away a month ago & I feel she still needs to deal with that first.

 

I also feel the meds she is on has a lot to do with her moods & our MC is going to talk to her about that on Monday.

 

We have a CHL hockey team & they are playing this next weekend so I bought some 1/2 priced tickets for a family outing since it's pre-season. The W & our son both really like hockey so it should be a good time.

 

Hmmm... yeah Pw... it sounds like there is a lot going on in your DW's head... plus the meds.. geezzz.

 

I know you will figure this out... taking your time to ensure... you have exhausted all your options. You will not "exit" until you are the last man on the Titanic!

 

The Hockey game sounds awesome...always good to "play together":)

 

Remember that word.... what is it... you mentioned it to me, not that long ago... hmmmmm ... oh yes... 'patience' ;):p

 

Take care of you, and yours.

 

ilmw

  • 4 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Hello everyone, I am still around & on the right side of the dirt so all is well. :D

 

Just a quick update, the W is working on the loss of her best friend & it feels like she has put our marriage on hold for a little while.

 

She has been seeing our MC & after her last meeting the MC told her she needs to start working on our relationship because she feels it is in danger.

 

I told the W I have never had a close friend pass away so I have no idea what she is going threw, but I am there if she needs someone to talk to & we have done that a few times. I can tell she has told me things I know she would have never done before our separation so maybe she does believe I've changed & that I do want to be there for her.

 

They changed my hours around a little so now I can get to the gym & that is a good thing specially with the weather getting cooler & the days are getting shorter it is harder to get any bike riding in.

 

It is kind of funny, strange, not sure what you would call it, but one of the things she complained about was I was controlling in our finances, yet she doesn't seem to excited to help out.

We took some money out of savings to pay off some bills & most of them were ones she had so I was waiting for her to see which ones would be better to pay, etc. but she never did it. I even asked her a couple times & she said; oh I was waiting for you so one weekend I just did it. Figured out which ones we could pay with the highest interest rate & got them paid. When I told her she was surprised but not mad that I went ahead & did it.

 

There are a few other things that I have done, I opened a new checking account for a few reasons & I sat down & talked to her about why I did it & what the reasons were I did it & she was O.K. with that.

 

I know I have to be supportive but I can't just let things fall apart while I'm waiting.

I am also saving money (overtime money) in order to buy a new bike this spring. I want to get a road bike so I can go farther & a co-worker wants me to do a century (100 miles) ride with him the first of June & I can't do that with the bike I have now. ;)

 

Just as you said a4a, I have to decide how long I want to wait for the W to pull her head out of her arse & maybe she never will I don't know.

 

I just know I am living my life different then I did a year ago & I don't plan on going back to that old life & to me it seems like the W is still happy with that old life, the only difference is I don't tell her what to do.

 

I still lurk around & I don't plan on going away for a while, but I still get that feeling we are just roommates with me being the queen of the house. ;)

Posted

Hmmm..

 

Hey PW... just read your latest post. Sounds like your DW is really taking the loss of her friend pretty hard.

 

Its also true though... what your MC said... she has to look at your relationship too.

 

You said that she did not like you being so controlling... but she seems she wants you to be in control...?? Now is that down to how it was in the past... and she was just used to it?? I can only imagine... the new improved PW.5 must be confusing for her...?

 

I guess there is a difference between being controlling and being in control and taking charge. (that is something I learned...:laugh:)

 

Well my friend... I certainly hope your DW.... snaps out of her state of mind... and gets with the programme...

 

Keep us posted bud... and feel free to PM me any time... PS.. no more pics? Get out and take some more pics! I like pretty ones with snow capped mountains... and chrismasy looking trees... and stuff...you have some of those around you where you live don't yah?? ;):D

 

Take care bud

 

ilmw

Posted

I apolgize if I've GAVE you the impression that "Billy" was a just a friend, a good friend, a passing friend ~ Billy is my best friend!

 

He's still alive ~ but in a vegative state? The MD's give him until Thanksgiving.

 

He's at home with loved ones. He can't speak.

 

He's gone from the guy that I knew in just four to five weeks ago!

 

Life is too freaking short!

 

The time to get real about your life is right HERE and NOW! :mad:

 

Get your Happy~azz to living ~ OR ~ GET YOUR HAPPY~AZZ TO DYING!

 

JUST THAT PLAIN!

 

JUST THAT SIMPLE!

  • 2 weeks later...
  • Author
Posted

Today I'm headed to the mountains for a attitude adjustment...;)

I need to get away & do some thinking & I feel a 5 mile hike with a 1,000' elevation change should do the trick. :D

 

Last night I started reading the book, "Don't sweat the small stuff" & so far I only read a few pages but it's getting me back on track.

 

At work me & another guy do receiving & a gal helps us when she can. There is a dispatch area that if they aren't busy they are supposes to come help us but they never seem to have the time, but when I'm done with my work I go help them & they talk about how slow or boring it is so I wonder why they don't help us in the morning?

 

Anyway the guy & gal that I work with will stand around & complain because we don't get help & we complain because certain people don't work as hard as others & I realize I don't need to worry about that stuff & I don't want to talk about that stuff anymore. I need to be thankful for when they do come help & don't sweat it if they don't help because we will get it done sooner or later, it would just me nice to have the help.

It might not be a big deal but like the book said; it is taking away energy that you don't need to be using up. I know most of you already know these little things or have learned them but I'm a little slow. ;)

 

I remember when it was only me here at home I was a lot less stressed then I am now (part of that is because of the wife) but I need to get back to how I was because I liked that feeling so I'll do my hike today & when I get to the top of the mountain I will yell as loud as I can & then on my way down I'll start thinking of ways to make work & life positive again. ;)

 

I do plan on setting down Monday & talking with my two co-workers & see if they can help me. When I start saying negative things maybe they can just say; don't sweat the small stuff or something & maybe it will also help them as well.

 

Gunny you are right, life is to short to be worried about why others do what they do, I need to spend that time working on me because I still have a few issues to work out & I believe that will take me until I die to get figured out. :eek:

 

The W has been working all month on selling these little angles she makes out of pasta & today is the craft show. She set her alarm for 6:15 & just like most days she slept right thru it.

I got up & was on the computer & thought to myself; self should I be nice & wake her up or just let her sleep & miss her show? She had to be there at 8:30 to set up & it was now 7:45.

I decided to be a nice husband & so I went in a woke her up. She said; thank you for waking her up & I haven't seen her move that fast in a long time. :D

What I don't understand is before our separation she said I was controlling, & waking her up was something that bothered her (she can sleep until 11:00 on the weekends easily) but I just couldn't see someone wasting there day, but I have learned this is her choice. I grew up in the country so we were always up by 5:00-6:00 & I still do that to this day.

It was hard today because I wanted to just let her sleep & miss her craft show just to prove to "myself" that she isn't responsible, but I decided that wasn't a good reason & she needed to be woken up.

 

I hope she will appreciate that I woke her up, because I feel good about helping her out. :love: I even carried out some of her angles to her car for her.

 

I understand she still has issues & some of the ones she accused me of I feel are hers, but she will have to deal with them herself. ;)

 

I feel even though she was the one that wanted the separation & she was the one that moved out, I am the one that learned the most from it & I'm still learning.

 

Last night we talked some in bed & I asked her how she felt our relationship is going right now & she said; rocky, rocky, rocky.....

I also asked her what things I could do for her to make things better?

She said more hugs, which is something I can do. :love:

 

Hope everyone has a great day & yes things might not be going as good as we want them to go, but like someone said; we are on the right side of the dirt today so lets make the best of it. ;)

Posted

PW... your attitude is simply awesome.

 

As for sweating the small stuff... Yeah.. that is they way I have become. I guess I learned this through.. you can only control you... so make your self happy... and improve your own attitude.

 

Works for me..:D

 

Have a great hike... and post PICTURES! ;)

  • Author
Posted

Had a great time, it was perfect weather & there are three loops to this area. Two of them are new & one is for bikes & hiking & the other is horses & hiking.

 

I started up & met a group of kids then a couple other people, but once I hit the loop that was only for horses & hikers I didn't meet anyone until I was heading back down. It was a gal by herself & it was also her first time in that area. Once I got back to the lower loop I met 4 horses, bikes & a few hikers.

 

There is something about nature that is good for the spirit. I ended up walking around 5-6 miles & have a few sore muscles to prove it. You would think after all the bike riding & elliptical riding I do would help, but it is all new muscle groups so I feel it tonight. ;):D

 

The lower loop looks like fun for a mountain bike so tomorrow I'm headed back up again to give it a try. I have never ridden my bike off road like this before so it will be interesting. It only takes me 25 minutes to get to the trail head so it is fairly close.

 

The weather supposes to be nicer tomorrow so I won't have to have so much stuff in my back pack so that will help.

 

Ilmw, I'll send you pictures after tomorrow if I take anymore, there wasn't much to take pictures of except for in 2000 there was a forest fire up there so a lot of the trees are burnt & things are starting to grow back. There is also a cabin that they are restoring.

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted

WOW I haven't posted a update since last year....:eek:;):D

 

Not much new I guess, I still feel that since we got back together that we are more like roommates then a married couple so I guess I need to do something about that.

 

I have learned that we are complete opposites so I need to learn how to live with my opposite spouse & what I learned so far is; it can be done, that I find her qualities & find mine & we work off of each others good qualities.

 

Just like you hear everyone say & I've read it in many books, you have to be positive about anything you do & specially in your marriage. I was still looking at the W's downfalls & what I thought she needs to change, but I need to start looking at what she does well even if I don't feel there are many......;)

 

2008 is a new year so I'm trying some new things that I can do different. Just little things like giving her a hug & kiss in the morning, tell her "I love you" when we call each other, etc. etc.

 

I know if we have another 6 months like the last six months one of us will be serving the other divorce papers.

I know I love my W & I just need to show her & myself that I do, but I'm still doing things for myself & I have excepted that there are things I like to do that she doesn't or can't do.

 

Hope everyone has a great 2008 & like so many have said; it might not turn out like you wanted it to turn out, but in the end it was for the best.

Posted
WOW I haven't posted a update since last year....:eek:;):D

 

Not much new I guess, I still feel that since we got back together that we are more like roommates then a married couple so I guess I need to do something about that.

 

I have learned that we are complete opposites so I need to learn how to live with my opposite spouse & what I learned so far is; it can be done, that I find her qualities & find mine & we work off of each others good qualities.

 

Just like you hear everyone say & I've read it in many books, you have to be positive about anything you do & specially in your marriage. I was still looking at the W's downfalls & what I thought she needs to change, but I need to start looking at what she does well even if I don't feel there are many......;)

 

2008 is a new year so I'm trying some new things that I can do different. Just little things like giving her a hug & kiss in the morning, tell her "I love you" when we call each other, etc. etc.

 

I know if we have another 6 months like the last six months one of us will be serving the other divorce papers.

I know I love my W & I just need to show her & myself that I do, but I'm still doing things for myself & I have excepted that there are things I like to do that she doesn't or can't do.

 

Hope everyone has a great 2008 & like so many have said; it might not turn out like you wanted it to turn out, but in the end it was for the best.

 

Wow... its been a year all ready...:confused::laugh:

 

Good to hear you are keeping a positive attitude with all of what you are living. Other people can be frustrating at times... espeacially when you live with them... but from your post above... you sound like you have or are getting a handle of it...:)

 

Later dude...;)

 

ilmw

  • 1 month later...
  • Author
Posted

It's been a while but I thought I would post a quick update.

 

Not much new so I guess that is a good thing. Me & the W are doing well, our son is a junior in high school & goes to a private boarding school (boys & girls but they live in different dorms) so Christmas time he asked if he could move into the dorm since that is were his friends were? He is paying the difference with his part time job so since Christmas it has just been the two of us.

 

I understand with the reading I've been doing that men & woman think different we do things different but that doesn't make it any easier for me to figure you woman out. The w got mad at me the other day because I wasn't letting her help with supper, yet if I wait she won't get anything cooked so I just cook so I don't go hungry.

 

She got mad the other day because I was doing the laundry, she said; I was going to do that later. DOH!! we have a load that is ready now, why wait until later? I want to do it while I'm checking my email or watching TV, not to wait until the weekend when I want to do something else.

 

I bought myself a new road bicycle so I've been spending time with that. I figure I'll be saving at least $50.00 a month on gas by biking from the W's work to mine. We carpool to her work then I ride from there. Weather needs to get a little warmer but I've been able to ride 3 days since I got the bike.

 

I've kept the weight off that I had lost in the first 6 months of our separation & I hope riding will help me lose a few more this summer.

 

I heard on the radio the other day a guy say; there are only two people that can make a marriage work & that is the two people that are married so I figure I will do my part & hopefully if the w does hers then we will do fine.

 

It will take work & we will still have our problems, but as long as we get them worked out & forget about them & move on we will be fine. I was talking to a gal at work yesterday that said; whenever her & her husband had a disagreement they would get it worked out & settle it then, don't bring it up again once it is settled & I thought that was good advice.

 

I don't know if I was one of the lucky ones or not, being single & being able to do whatever you want whenever you want is also nice, but when I got married I said; tell death do us part & I still believe in those words so I'll put in my 100% to make things work.

Posted (edited)
I was talking to a gal at work yesterday that said; whenever her & her husband had a disagreement they would get it worked out & settle it then, don't bring it up again once it is settled & I thought that was good advice.

 

This is huge in my marriage--we have rules when we disagree.

 

We don't call each other names, and we don't bring up arguments and hurts from the past. We have learned to let these things go, but I also acknowledge that we have also been lucky that we haven't had to deal with some of the issues that the posters on LS have had to deal with.

 

Perhaps I am being presumptuous, but I don't see any real joy in your writings concerning the reconciliation with your wife, more of a resignation. I hope that you will be able to find happiness and contentment with your marriage, because you are and have been working so very hard.

Edited by Kasan
  • Author
Posted

Perhaps I am being presumptuous, but I don't see any real joy in your writings concerning the reconciliation with your wife, more of a resignation. I hope that you will be able to find happiness and contentment with your marriage, because you are and have been working so very hard.

I can only change the things I can & yes there are things I wish she would do different & maybe down the road she will such as her health, the way she eats, etc.

 

When we are getting along we have a great time, it just seems like we don't have the same interests as we used to have & we need to work on finding ones that we can enjoy together.

 

She isn't interested in the bike stuff because it is exercise but last night she went to the local bike shop with me just to spend time together & she helped me pick out a new pair of bike shoes. ;)

 

For those that are thinking of separating if there is anyway of doing it while you are still together I feel that is the way to go. Once you separate even in my situation it is hard to get back on the same page. Life is a lot easier being single & I also feel that has a lot to do with trying to get back together as well, but that is another story.

 

Rode 31 miles on the new bike today, had a great time & even got a little sun on my white legs. :D:laugh: Not bad, ride today in 60 degree weather & they are predicting snow for tomorrow. :mad:

Posted

All that matters?

 

Are you living your life rigeteous?

 

You are! IMHO?

 

With?

 

Integerity?

 

Honor?

 

Honesty?

 

Pride?

 

You would have made a damn good MARINE!

  • Author
Posted

I was talking to a friend I hadn't seen in a while & he was asking how things are going?

 

It was funny because we were talking & I told him I see the W like a cat. :confused: They are glad to see you when you get home, they purr, cuddle, & keep you warm, but they don't get out & do much with you like a dog does;):D:laugh:.

A dog will play catch with you, go for hikes, & keep you company. :cool::laugh:

 

Gunny, thanks!!!! Yes I'm still trying my best but I can't let her not wanting to do anything slow me down.

 

Just like ILMW said; he had an aunt & uncle that were complete opposites but they got a long well & I feel that is kind of how we are.

 

Today she did help me around the house & we cleaned together & it was fun. Then we went grocery shopping & had a good time together.

 

I know her weight keeps her from doing things together & things she might want to do but that is her choice.

Posted

30 miles! Awesome! In CO no less! :eek: You'd be "Speedracer" here in Alabama! :p

 

The wife?

 

Just let it go? Your a mechanic ~ with a mechanics mind! An engineer ~ with an engineers mind. For the Love of Pete? You know how to build a transmission! Re-build an engine for a car?

  • Author
Posted
30 miles! Awesome! In CO no less! :eek: You'd be "Speedracer" here in Alabama! :p

Gunny that is just a warm up for what I have planned for June 1st. A buddy at work has talked me into doing a 100 mile ride that day. :eek::eek:

The wife?

 

Just let it go? Your a mechanic ~ with a mechanics mind! An engineer ~ with an engineers mind. For the Love of Pete? You know how to build a transmission! Re-build an engine for a car?

No I don't know how to re-build a tranny, but I'm learning how to get-a-long with the wife & that is more important to me. ;)

 

At least I can joke some & we joke as well & that is a good sign. I read that book you suggested; "Why men don't have a clue & why woman need another pair of shoes" & it had some good stuff in it. In fact the other day I cut out a little heart out of paper & wrote "I LOVE YOU" on it & taped it to her mirror. :love: She really thought that was cute. :love:

Posted

Is the consensus here that a "good marriage" simply means being roomates who basically tolerate each other, never dare to expect something extraordinary from the other, and where each or just one of the partners piles the entire stress of "happiness" on his own shoulders, never thinking that in a marriage the idea of happiness might reasonably have something to do with a healthy emotional and physical interaction between both partners?

 

Is this concept of marriage basically that of singleness with someone to do errands with?

 

I find this thread more and more confusing as it goes on. The big bike rides I read as a sublimation of desire; total frustration.

 

But still glad it keeps you in shape, P :D

  • Author
Posted
Is the consensus here that a "good marriage" simply means being roomates who basically tolerate each other, never dare to expect something extraordinary from the other, and where each or just one of the partners piles the entire stress of "happiness" on his own shoulders, never thinking that in a marriage the idea of happiness might reasonably have something to do with a healthy emotional and physical interaction between both partners?

 

Is this concept of marriage basically that of singleness with someone to do errands with?

 

I find this thread more and more confusing as it goes on. The big bike rides I read as a sublimation of desire; total frustration.

 

But still glad it keeps you in shape, P :D

As for the bike riding that is something I enjoy because most of the time I ride solo & it gives me time to think, but it also keeps me in shape. When we separated I was 260-265 pounds & now I'm 200-205 pounds & I hope to keep it that way or even lose a few more by June (100 mile bike ride).

 

I guess are interests have gone in different directions but that doesn't mean we can't have fun together.

Part of it is a lot of things I do have to do with exercise & the W doesn't do exercise, lets just say she is a little on the chubby size. :eek::D

There are things we will do this summer together such as 4-wheeling, movies, theater shows, which we have done some of those already this year.

 

Just like Friday evening I went bike shoe shopping & the W could care less but she went just to be with me.

 

I wonder if maybe she wasn't sure that the changes I have done were for real, then when I kept doing things such as laundry, cleaning, etc. when she moved back she wasn't sure how to help out.

 

Remember I was the one that always told her what to do & now I don't do that. I do feel there are some things she could work on & I hope when she is ready she will.

 

This evening I got home from the gym & she had cleaned the dishwasher out & had a load of cloths in the washer so she is starting to help around the house.

 

We are opposites & we both do things different so we are learning.

Posted

Checking in.....sounds like you doing wonderful! I understand on how it can be difficult at times when you are both not passionate about the same things...But you are working on things just the same, spending time together, helping one another out, even if it is just the simple things.

 

Keep up the awsome progress!! Loosing over sixty pounds is an accomplishment all in itself, let alone pulling your marriage together at the same time! :D Biking is great for a little self healing, time for deep thoughts and challenging yourself to just go that little bit further. Just like what you have accomplished here, you pushed yourself to keep trying, to make things work, and one day at time things are working.

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