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Posted

You know, to expect something in return for showing affection to your SO isn't a downright bad thing. As long as you look at what they do for you in conjunction with what you do for them. If you change the oil in my SUV, should I get on bended knee and thank thee with all my heart? cuz when I wash your dirty underwear I should get the same.:lmao: Besides, I can change my own oil, thank you very much. :cool:

 

Instead of keeping score, people need to give and should expect, at least in my opinion, the same consideration in return, in one form or another. And I'm not talking about keeping the lawn mowed or the dishes washed. I'm talking about the little stuff; getting the other ice cream (not just cuz you're getting your own), helping to make the bed, making their favorite supper, seeing something they might like, renting a movie they want to watch--even if it is Sound Of Music (one of my personal favs).

 

Another one of my favorite reminders is one year when I went to my Mother's during the holidays. There on the end table stood these two plastic dolls; Santa and Mrs. Claus, about 18" high each, dressed in their matching red knitted yarn outfits. I asked my Mom where she got them, did the cursory "uh, yeah, they're cute, Mom. I thought you didn't like things like that." Her reply? "I don't; your Dad bought them for me because he thought I might like them." Moral of the story: she didn't care for them, wouldn't have bought them, but made it point to put them out because HE bought them for her, thinking she would.

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Posted
Who would want to date you right now? I think you'd be surprised. But, before you start tackling that mountain you need to finish strapping on the gear and climbing the hills. and I know, you aren't seriously thinking of it--just a thought that crossed your mind, right? For every step forward you take you're gonna get pushed back several times. don't get down on yourself for backtracking; its all in the learning. You're doin' fine.

No it was just a thought, after ready some of the material in here I don't need that extra pressure and confusion I got plenty of that now. I got the gear on & climbing but it's a frickin mountain not no hill.

 

Another one of my favorite reminders is one year when I went to my Mother's during the holidays. There on the end table stood these two plastic dolls; Santa and Mrs. Claus, about 18" high each, dressed in their matching red knitted yarn outfits. I asked my Mom where she got them, did the cursory "uh, yeah, they're cute, Mom. I thought you didn't like things like that." Her reply? "I don't; your Dad bought them for me because he thought I might like them." Moral of the story: she didn't care for them, wouldn't have bought them, but made it point to put them out because HE bought them for her, thinking she would.

I'm not sure how I want to say this because I might get that 2x4 over the head, but isn't that kind of being dishonest by acting like you are happy you recieved something that you really didn't want?

Yes I understand the reason your dad gave it to your mom so I guess if your mom said she didn't like it then it would have made your dad feel bad.

(ok hit me with the 2x4 I'm ready) :D

Posted

P, you kill me! :lmao: I'm taking aim...

 

The deal isn't so much that she was dishonest in not telling him she didn't like them, it was the idea that even though she didn't like them she put them out because he was so proud of himself for getting her something he thought she would like. So, in essence, because he wanted to make her happy, she put them out for display so everyone could see that he bought them for her. And to display them because it was something he did for her and her alone. Does this make sense??

 

If she'd been dishonest, trust me, they would have been in the trash a long time ago and he never would have been the wiser. My Dad is not the most astute person in the world and he probably never would have noticed if they "disappeared."

 

.....whack! How's your head, hon?:laugh:

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Posted
P, you kill me! :lmao: I'm taking aim...

 

The deal isn't so much that she was dishonest in not telling him she didn't like them, it was the idea that even though she didn't like them she put them out because he was so proud of himself for getting her something he thought she would like. So, in essence, because he wanted to make her happy, she put them out for display so everyone could see that he bought them for her. And to display them because it was something he did for her and her alone. Does this make sense??

Yes it does make since. By her putting them out is how she is showing her love back to him, it doesn't matter if she liked them or not that wasn't her point. ;)

Posted

There's this discussuion of Perry doing this, and doing that, and of learning this and of learning that ~ of his changing this and changing that ~ when there's a simpler truth.

 

Perhaps the two of you have simply grown apart and in different directions, with different interests. In that you're simply not the same people that you were when you intially got married all those many years ago.

 

Marriage, and staying married to celerbrate one's Golden anniversary is a good and noble cocept, but simply doesn't hold up in the light of reality for most of us.

 

The reality of the situation is that "seiral monogomy" has become the norm. The reality is that the divorce rate for first time marriages is 50% and for second marriages is 62%. The reality is that if you want an active sex life ~ don't get married. The best form of birth control is a wedding cake.

 

Get married, and put a jar on the bedside table, and each time you make love to your new wife put a penny in it for the first year. Then after the first year, each time you make love, take a penny out. The jar will never empty itself.

 

Only 25% of couples that are still married in their sixties still have sex. That leaves what? Compaionship? By that age your typical man can't, and your typical woman isn't interested.

 

The truth of the matter is that the time, effort, energy, worry that you'e expending on getting this one back would net you 10 others. With a fresh start and a fresh history. That's not to say that you're ready for that sort of thing, but it is to say it would be a lot easier.

 

Un-questionably the focus needs to be in identifying your weakness, shortcomings, and over-coming them. We should all strive for that on a daily basis.

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Posted
There's this discussuion of Perry doing this, and doing that, and of learning this and of learning that ~ of his changing this and changing that ~ when there's a simpler truth.

 

Perhaps the two of you have simply grown apart and in different directions, with different interests. In that you're simply not the same people that you were when you intially got married all those many years ago.

 

Marriage, and staying married to celerbrate one's Golden anniversary is a good and noble cocept, but simply doesn't hold up in the light of reality for most of us.

 

The reality of the situation is that "seiral monogomy" has become the norm. The reality is that the divorce rate for first time marriages is 50% and for second marriages is 62%. The reality is that if you want an active sex life ~ don't get married. The best form of birth control is a wedding cake.

 

Get married, and put a jar on the bedside table, and each time you make love to your new wife put a penny in it for the first year. Then after the first year, each time you make love, take a penny out. The jar will never empty itself.

 

Only 25% of couples that are still married in their sixties still have sex. That leaves what? Compaionship? By that age your typical man can't, and your typical woman isn't interested.

 

The truth of the matter is that the time, effort, energy, worry that you'e expending on getting this one back would net you 10 others. With a fresh start and a fresh history. That's not to say that you're ready for that sort of thing, but it is to say it would be a lot easier.

 

Un-questionably the focus needs to be in identifying your weakness, shortcomings, and over-coming them. We should all strive for that on a daily basis.

Gunny this would be the easy way and would probably save me a lot of money in the end and who says maybe in another month I might just say enough is enough but after Sunday hearing her voice and hearing her laugh I did get those feelings that I miss her and I didn't even see her I just heard her.

 

There is also that thought that I am plan "B" since she is just out having a good time and say in a few months she decides it wasn't what she wanted and so she comes back.

O.K. Lor you can hit me over the head with the 2x4 for thinking such thoughts.

 

The biggest thing is I just don't know what I want at this time and I need to figure that out, then the rest will fall into place.

I have wondered if we have just grown apart like you said.

 

I read where a woman when she was young felt she needed the husband to be in control and then when she got older and wanted to make her own decisions it was hard for him to give it up and maybe that is how we are. My W was very shy when we met and would do anything for someone so they would like her. Her brother and sister used to always call her fat and would tell her she was dumb. I know this has a lot to do with her self asteem when we first met.

 

Me and my boy have decided to start making our place look like we want it. We are going to move the living room furniture around so it fits our chairs and I'm going to start boxing up stuff she left behind and put it out in the garage. Maybe not seeing reminders of her around the house will be helpful.

Posted
Been there, done that. So it takes years to figure this out? Hopefully I catch on quick because I'm already getting old and I want to enjoy these fun things everyone is enjoying!!!!

 

It did not take me years to figure it out... came to me in the past 6 months.... I realy have done allot of soul searching.. and found out what I did not like about myself...and what I wanted to change...

 

Having read a few books recommended on here and doing some of my own "research"... I figured out that I truly had no clue what it was/should be to be in a succesful relationship with a woman... :o :o

 

But... with new insight comes a new... better.. more positive attitude!;)

 

Recognising what is the problem.. and flushing out ones own "demons" is also a positive step to change... If anyone on here knew me a year ago... even lets say 8-7 months ago... you would see a change..

 

I have been told that I don't frown anymore... no more permanent scowl... I was told... I look peacful... and I smile more...and this positive change is in the middle of the worst time of my life....??? Go figure..eh?

 

Point being..if you can figure out what is eating you up inside... and have the balls to make the changes in yourself for yourself...and you are not mentally ill...(not making fun of the mentally ill..K) You should be able to do it... Geesh... if I can so should you. Just dig real deep...real real deep.

 

Well thats my humble opinion anyway.

 

Gotta go to bed now... had a long day dealing with the public:rolleyes: ....;):laugh:

ilmw

Posted
The best form of birth control is a wedding cake.

 

.....birth control? try taking my 4 kids on a marathon grocery shopping spree for 3 hours.....

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Posted
It did not take me years to figure it out... came to me in the past 6 months.... I realy have done allot of soul searching.. and found out what I did not like about myself...and what I wanted to change...

This is good to hear, and yes I know different people learn at different speeds and some on here might think I'm a little slow at catching on but if I finally catch on that is what is important.

Having read a few books recommended on here and doing some of my own "research"... I figured out that I truly had no clue what it was/should be to be in a succesful relationship with a woman... :o :o

Do you recommend one book that stood out as a good one to read? I have read His Needs Her Needs, The 5 love languages, and right now I'm working on Boundaries and Compelled to Control. Even though the last two are from different authors they both say you need boundaries and I feel that is something I never have really had in my life.

But... with new insight comes a new... better.. more positive attitude!;)

 

Recognising what is the problem.. and flushing out ones own "demons" is also a positive step to change... If anyone on here knew me a year ago... even lets say 8-7 months ago... you would see a change..

My counselor told me that I need to start journaling and write down things that make me mad and what triggered it, she also said to use my boss as a example because he always wants to know what is going on, who calls, etc. etc.

I have been told that I don't frown anymore... no more permanent scowl... I was told... I look peacful... and I smile more...and this positive change is in the middle of the worst time of my life....??? Go figure..eh?

 

Point being..if you can figure out what is eating you up inside... and have the balls to make the changes in yourself for yourself...and you are not mentally ill...(not making fun of the mentally ill..K) You should be able to do it... Geesh... if I can so should you. Just dig real deep...real real deep.

 

Well thats my humble opinion anyway.

ilmw

Thanks ilmw for the pep talk, maybe I'm just trying to rush everything.

I take dognuts on Friday to the gals next to us at work and they have commented a couple times how much happier I look and I have a smile on my face so maybe I'm not seeing it but it is starting to come out a little.

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Posted

Today is a week from when we see each other again with the counselor and for some reason I am getting really nervous again just like I did the last time we were suppose to see each other.

I started out the day kind of down but was able to get in a good mood but then I'm down again this evening.

I guess there is a LOT I want to say but I'm just scared to say it in the wrong words, because I don't want to piss her off. I've re-written a fax that I was going to send to our counselor about five times but I still haven't sent it because I don't want to feel like I'm wanting to control what will be said.

 

I did get some good advice about the money she owes me for fixing her car; instead of asking her why she hasn't paid me and my dad to ask her when I can expect to be paid?

 

My neighbor was talking to me and she told me not to rush things and don't put a time limit on it that 6 months isn't that long compaired to the 25 years we have spent together and she also mentioned to me about the W being in that honeymoon stage (thats what I call it) that she can do what she wants, doesn't have to answer to anyone but maybe in a few more months that will go away and she will start thinking of me/us.

I was just wondering is there a time limit on how long you stay separated or work on a relationship????

 

PS off to the gym I go to walk off some stress, it's to damn cold outside to walk!! (I got a free 7 day pass) :D

Posted

To be honest with it was hard for me personally to go "single" but now that I've been doing it for awhile ~ I've gotten to where I like coming and going as I want, when I want, how I want. But, its taken me years to get to this point.

 

Its not a lifestyle for the weak minded nor faint hearted. I think I can do it because of the spartain lifestyle I've lived I was raised as an only child way back up in the woods. So, I've devloped some coping skills few others have ~ when it comes to living by yourself.

 

From the way that you described the wife, I don;t think she can tote the note in the long run. Especially if you completely withdraw any and all support. (Not a suggestion ~ just a comment)

 

As far as how long, well P its like Steve told Hellen ~ "There's just no way of tellin'!"

Posted
Today is a week from when we see each other again with the counselor and for some reason I am getting really nervous again just like I did the last time we were suppose to see each other.

I started out the day kind of down but was able to get in a good mood but then I'm down again this evening.

I guess there is a LOT I want to say but I'm just scared to say it in the wrong words, because I don't want to piss her off. I've re-written a fax that I was going to send to our counselor about five times but I still haven't sent it because I don't want to feel like I'm wanting to control what will be said.

 

I did get some good advice about the money she owes me for fixing her car; instead of asking her why she hasn't paid me and my dad to ask her when I can expect to be paid?

 

My neighbor was talking to me and she told me not to rush things and don't put a time limit on it that 6 months isn't that long compaired to the 25 years we have spent together and she also mentioned to me about the W being in that honeymoon stage (thats what I call it) that she can do what she wants, doesn't have to answer to anyone but maybe in a few more months that will go away and she will start thinking of me/us.

I was just wondering is there a time limit on how long you stay separated or work on a relationship????

 

PS off to the gym I go to walk off some stress, it's to damn cold outside to walk!! (I got a free 7 day pass) :D

 

 

okay let me get this straight and I am not playing the man woman BS thing here when I say this.

 

Money for the car....... do you owe your dad for this or is it just you owed the money? It is just freakin' money, I honestly don't think coming up with schemes to get her to pay you is the way to go right now. This is supposed to be the person you care about still. Are you sure you are not using this she owes me money thing as control? If you are that much in need of the money then you need to communicate it honestly with her.....not attempt a manipulative scheme and game.

 

Listen T, I was wondering when you think you can work on paying me/dad back for the work on the car. Our current situation changes all our financial status and me putting the money out left me in a hole, I am not sure I can make up the difference, but I know you are not swimming in cash either so how do you think we should work this out?

 

and talk about communication issues..... wow, afraid to say anything. You should not be afraid to say....... I miss you, I wish it did not come to this, I am learning so much about myself, I can see where I was wrong in many aspects.

 

Why the fear of letting people/W see your mistakes? I honestly think your control issue was spawned from fear.......that is a pretty basic concept.

 

25 years together and the car money means that much to you...... I am not saying she should not pay you back but why do you feel that way? (there is no right or wrong answer to this but perhaps an exercise to uncover the source of other issues)

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Posted

Money for the car....... do you owe your dad for this or is it just you owed the money? It is just freakin' money, I honestly don't think coming up with schemes to get her to pay you is the way to go right now. This is supposed to be the person you care about still. Are you sure you are not using this she owes me money thing as control? If you are that much in need of the money then you need to communicate it honestly with her.....not attempt a manipulative scheme and game.

She owes my dad for the parts/labor and me for the labor. I was going to use that money to be able to see the counselor on my own more often. With our money situation the only extra money I have is if I cut back on my eating/groceries or happen to save by not needing so much gas for the vehicle.

 

Listen T, I was wondering when you think you can work on paying me/dad back for the work on the car. Our current situation changes all our financial status and me putting the money out left me in a hole, I am not sure I can make up the difference, but I know you are not swimming in cash either so how do you think we should work this out?

and talk about communication issues..... wow, afraid to say anything. You should not be afraid to say....... I miss you, I wish it did not come to this, I am learning so much about myself, I can see where I was wrong in many aspects.

 

Why the fear of letting people/W see your mistakes? I honestly think your control issue was spawned from fear.......that is a pretty basic concept.

This is the kind of stuff that I need to learn to be able to do. You know the communicating part isn't one of my best assits.

25 years together and the car money means that much to you...... I am not saying she should not pay you back but why do you feel that way? (there is no right or wrong answer to this but perhaps an exercise to uncover the source of other issues)

Again thanks for replying it really helps.

Posted

P does your financial situation in you M ..... or did it cause problems and arguments?

 

 

You are going to have to address your financial issues regardless if your marriage stays intact or not.

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Posted
P does your financial situation in you M ..... or did it cause problems and arguments?

 

 

You are going to have to address your financial issues regardless if your marriage stays intact or not.

 

Yes we had arguments about money but now that I look back part of it was me trying to be more controlling I think.

Again it wasn't good communication that lead to most of it because the W wouldn't let me know she bought something then wouldn't record it in the computer so I thought we had more then we did and I would pay a bill adn then you know the rest.

That is one of the things the W wrote down that she is going to work on is money. She is paying two of the CC bills and at first I wanted to check on line to make sure she was paying them but then I told myself I can not do that if I want to learn to trust her and I haven't looked!!!

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Posted

The last time I saw our counselor we talked about controlling and there is two types of controlling

1) Fear based

2) Pride based

While we were talking she thought mine was more of the fear based because one reason is I don't think others can do it as well as I can, so here are some of my question.

 

How can I learn to trust T?

What can I do to not be so impatiant? I need to just give things time before acting but I just have trouble with waiting.

 

Today T called my dad and told him she had some money to give him towards fixing her car, she didn't say how much but she did call.

 

Why did I asume she wasn't going to pay us? Here is what she wrote in our agreement before leaving..

I T will make monthly payments to P toward the money I owe for repair on the Escort and for 1/2 of the bills due in Aug. In the event of the separation ending in a divorce this debt will be null and void.

 

OK sure she didn't pay anything last month but maybe she just didn't have it because she was trying to get her place fixed to suite what she felt she needed.

 

What are ways that I can learn to build my trust with T? I don't think I ever have had trust in our relationship because of my controlling behavior. Even when she would buy cloths for herself I would look at it as she was spending money we didn't have even though she needed new ones because they didn't fit her anymore.

In our younger years she would write checks to one place to get cash to pay for something else or cover the bank until our pay checks would hit the bank.

Yes I need to also blame myself because I didn't help with the bills but at the time she was the one that was better with money, or so I thought.

There are other things I can think of that I would do because I didn't think she would do it correctly (the way I would do it) which my way might not always be the correct way. (I am learning a little here and there)

I don't feel like I have built up trust throughout our hole relationship so I know this is one BIG area that I need to work on. With us not talking it even makes it harder but I need to work on the skills of trusting so when or if we do start talking I'll have a better understanding of what I need to do.

I do believe with trust we will be able to work on a lot of the other issues we have.

 

I would also like your opinions on another subject. Sunday there is a meet & greet with the 4x4 offroad web site we go wheeling with and I was wondering if it's to early to ask T if she would like to go with or just wait until we see our counselor or wait until she askes me to do something?

I thought of maybe just letting my son tell her I would like her to go with and leave it up to her to see if she would or not.

I know we haven't seen our counselor (that's the 25th) but it's also been almost 2 months since we have seen each other.

Posted

How do you know you can trust someone? I mean really trust someone? Fully, completely, absolutely, totally, un-conditionally, whole-heartly?

 

The answer? You can't! Not with absolute certainty. That's what trust is. Trust is trusting that the other person isn't going to screw you, stab you in the back, throw you under the bus as it passes by on the expressway, either intentionally or un-intentionally. Trust is trusting in another person that they're not going to screw up, or screw something up. Trust is the believe that the other person is going to do the right thing ~ are at least try damn hard at it.

 

You keep bringing up money issues, and I think that you both would greatly from looking into Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" and Mary Hunt's "Debt Free Living", because honestly that seems to be a big issue for the two of you, and I belive that a lot of your control issues stem from that alone ~ the simple day-to-day of trying to hold things together, and get the ends to meet in the middle.

 

And that's a big issue for women ~ is not having to worry and fret about the bills and living expenses to the extent that you are living from pay day to pay day. Its hard for a woman to be intimate and romantic when she's got money worries.

 

Both Dave and Mary, advocate about the same thing, although I like Mary's a little better, because she carries it a little further than Dave. But essentially, (I'll try to be breif with it) it entitles getting out of debt and essentially staying out of debt.

 

Most debt is stupid debt, that is to say credit card debt, new car debt, (as in trading cars every four years for a new car), student loan debt, payday loan debt, title loan debt, etc.

 

If it was within my power to do so, I would make personal finance and inter-personal relations classes mandatory from the middle school up through college. I would further change the laws, that two people could not get married, until they could prove that 1. Could pass a personal finance exam, 2. Could pass an inter-personal relationship exam, 3. Had attended a minimum of three months pre-marital counseling, 4. Had a mimium of one year's savings the equivalent of one years income in the bank.

 

Before you and Terri even think about getting back together ~ you need to sock away a minimum of $500 just for a rainy day ~ and as you know now its going to rain. Its not a question of if, but a question of when. Then you need to work on getting that up to $1000, and then work on getting that up to six month equivalent of income. Call this your "OMG Fund" as in "OMG! What are we going to do now?" And, if and when you have one of those OMG moments, and you have to dip into the fund, (such as to repair the Escort) the number one budget priority is to get the "OMG Fund" back up to par, which means no fish tanks, no LCD, flat screen TV's, nothing! Until the OMG fund is back up to par. Me? I say pump everything into eradicating any and all debt, and getting the OMG fund up to one year's equivalent of one years income ~ and that takes years to do for most!

 

You say, "But, Guns! If I had that kind of money...................." Let me give you my definition of the word "if" ~ "If grasshoppers had .45 caliber pistols ~ crows wouldn't **** with them!" But, they don't and so crows have grasshoppers for breakfast! I don't care if you're only putting $5 a week toward the OMG fund ~ $5 X 52 = something toward eventially getting there! If you and I had followed this advice back in the day, you'd be sitting on Easy Street NOW! Hell, we'd be millionaires, kicking back smoking Cuban cigars, and talking smack!

 

I don't know, nor am I too conivced that you're all that controlling ~ I think you're just being a husband, and a father ~ freaking ~ like I was back when I was up in not just the ****, but the hole it came from. When I was married ~ I was S T R E S S E D! Not because of the wife, but becuase of the guy that was trying to throw me under the bus, and build his life, his carrer, his retirement on me! There was this mentality that the more that I make look bad, the better I look. The Corps isn't for the "weak-minded"

 

You're not going to like the following.

 

The simple truth of the matter is that ~ if and you and "T" go through the Big "D" all that means is that you've got to go out and find yourself someone else that appreciates what you've got to offer. That is to say, you've got to go and find yourself another woman ~ DAMN! THE BAD LUCK!

 

And at some point, you've got to come to realize? What's "T" got that the other 150 million other women in America (not to mention the 3-1/2 BILLION women in the WORLD)have to offer that she's not got?

Posted

It simply blows my mind that every day I come on LS.. I read something that makes me go...hmmmmm.

 

In your last post Gunny you just did that... thx.. once again. Another piece of the puzzle just put into place....

 

The debt thing and the wife... (stressed over money = loss of intimacy) That made me think... and Yes.. I think that would have been another nail in the coffin of my marriage.... (plus because I was stressed about it... contributed to her being even more stressed) It is like Bank intrest... it compounds... getting bigger and bigger... (well for those with savings:p )

 

Its seeing these things that cause problems for what they are... makes them... well go away.

 

Its like when we were kids and were afraid there was something in the closet or under the bed... mom or dad would come in and put on the light and would show us there was nothing to be afraid of..... Seeing the problem... understanding it... makes it go away... (not the debt.. just how we deal with it:lmao: )

 

I am just speaking for myself... but for the longest time I was my self stressed out about money... the kids.. the house... work...etc. Now that I understand the route of my stress... It is easier to deal with... In fact... these days... it is very hard for me to even feel the slightest bit stressed out... or even realy get angry about different things... Because I see where it is coming from... (understanding is the key)

 

Hope that made sence....:p

 

BTW... that was a realy great post Gunns... Im gonna look into those books... (if anything about what you said... it gives a person a goal... something to strive for... if there appears to be nothing else).

 

ilmw

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Posted

Gunny the reason I use money as an example is because that is something I can see that was a problem. I know there are many others that I don't see so I have to use that to help relate how I feel.

 

Another one is I always have to drive. At first I thought it was because I get sick if I don't drive (motion sickness) which is true, because if I ride more then an hour with someone else driving I'll get sick. Once in a while I'll go to the store and T will drive and the whole time I'm thinking why did you do that, why are we going this way and I really didn't start thinking about it until my boy started to drive and I had to ride with him. Someone told me not to worry about how he drives or why he goes the way he does because you still get from point "A" to point "B" it just might be a different way then I would have choicen and that doesn't make it right or wrong just another option.

Then to give him some more hours we drove over to the western slopes of the mountains and I let him drive most of the way. T had found some motion pills that I had taken when we went on our cruise so I took them before we left and I didn't have any trouble with the motion so I was able to just set and watch everything around me. Sure I had to help him a few times like being more smooth driving thru the corners or tell him it is easier to drive in the slower lane then trying to keep up in the fast lane (less stress) but I let him decide after explaining these things to which lane he wanted to drive in and how fast he wanted to go, etc. I guess part of it is I just need to chill out with some things.

 

I did read or see a show on TV about a camp that people would go to and at the camp they would have to fall backwards and let there teamates catch them, they were learning to trust other people and that is the kind of stuff I need to learn.

Another example that I'm getting better at is when we go 4-wheeling sometimes you can't see where you are going so you need a spotter. Instead of trusting my spotter and knowing he won't put me in a situation that would hurt me or my vehicle a lot of times I"ll just not try a harder line and instead take an easier line so I don't have to rely or worry about rolling or doing damage to my vehicle when I should just trust my spotter and try the more challenging spot.

 

Hope this might give you some other ideas of how I look at trust.

 

Gunny I also agree with the money we should have saved up just $10.00 a week and look what we could have now. Even now with my situation I am working at saving just a little money each month. Sure at first it was to show T that I am better then her but then I sat down and thought about it. Just like exercising it is a small goal that I can do for myself and to prove to myself that I can do this so like you said in case things don't work out I have a head start after the divorce. I know I won't have anymore money after a divorce then I do now so if I can't save now I won't be able to save then. After I get thru my stack of books I want to read I'll check out the money ones as well.

Posted
"Its like when we were kids and were afraid there was something in the closet or under the bed... mom or dad would come in and put on the light and would show us there was nothing to be afraid of..... Seeing the problem... understanding it... makes it go away... (not the debt.. just how we deal with it:lmao: ) "

 

I prefer the "Major Payne"s (the movie) way where the little boy comes running and crying to him, and says there's a monster in his closet. He pulls out his 9 mill, and empties it into th closet door, and says to the little boy, "If he's still in there! He ain't happy!" :lmao:

Posted
I prefer the "Major Payne"s (the movie) way where the little boy comes running and crying to him, and says there's a monster in his closet. He pulls out his 9 mill, and empties it into th closet door, and says to the little boy, "If he's still in there! He ain't happy!" :lmao:

 

:lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: I like your's more... :p

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Posted

A friend of mine that has been very helpful sent me this email today and I just thought I would share it with everyone.

 

There was a response in an insert in Friday’s paper to two women who wrote in about their criticizing and controlling husbands. I’ll type his response because some of it might contain to you. Take from it what you will. I cut it out because I know that the men I have been in relationships with have put me down and this could very easily have been an answer to my question. Here goes:

 

“If he feels as if he doesn’t measure up and is not good enough, he will be in constant fear of you finding out about him and eventually leaving. One way for him to allay this fear is to act judgmental, critical and rejecting of you.

 

His goal will be to focus on your mistakes and shortcomings – and to tell you how you don’t measure up or how you could have done something better – so you don’t feel confident about yourself either. If he brings you down to his level, and plants doubt in you about how good, competent or appealing you are, you probably won’t feel strong enough to find fault with, criticize or reject him.

 

Deep down he thinks that he has to be critical, judgmental and controlling of you before you get critical, judgmental or controlling of him. If he makes you feel you don’t measure up, perhaps you won’t pay attention as to how well he measures up.

 

However, personal power doesn’t come from knocking others down, It comes from recognizing your own strengths and abilities, recognizing other people’s strengths, abilities and positive traits, trusting in your honesty, honor and integrity, expressing yourself and others, being in charge of your own emotions and reactions – and attempting to actualize goals, visions and dreams.”

 

To the women who asked the question he said “If you’d like to stop this pattern, quit accepting what’s unacceptable. Quit allowing yourself to be treated poorly or controlled. It will begin to free you”.

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Posted

Me and my son went to a meet & greet for the 4x4 website I belong to and it was really good to see old friends and meet new people especially when you have something in common such as 4-wheel drive trucks. (you can do your own Tim the tool-man grunt here) :laugh:

Afterwards I stopped at my folks to help them with there TV remote (just wonder what I'll be asking my son when I hit the 70's) and my mom said T had called to see if they wanted to buy a core of wood. I guess she went and bought 2 cords of wood today so it doesn't look like she is planning on coming back anytime soon since we don't have a fireplace. I really don't think she is planning on using all that wood for a romantic date for the two of us in front of the fireplace that's for sure.....:rolleyes:

I'm going to fax our counselor in the morning and set up an appointment for 1-1/2 to 2 weeks from when T & I go see her and I explained I'm not going to have the money to see her by myself and another time with T and at this time I feel I need to go myself and get myself straightened out first and if T doesn't like it oh well I'm tired of waiting game.

I also took the few things that were still in the drawers under her side of the bed out today and put my cloths that had been on the night stand away so the room looks a lot cleaner now. Sometime this week I'll start working on the two closets and get them straightened up. Slowly it is getting to be me & my sons place, one fine looking batchler pad!!!:cool::cool:

Posted

Sounds like a good plan P!

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Posted

My son just called me and said his mom's car broke down and he was trying to figure out what it was. I helped him over the phone check the atifreeze because he could smell it and he also said it was smoking when they shut it off. I told him sorry son but your mom is going to have to figure it out herself. He said; I think she hit a crisis because she was telling him she has spent to much money already on the car (oil change) and didn't have money to fix her car. Only thing I can say is;

it's not my problem. (that's hard to do)

Tomorrow will be the first time since Aug. 31st that we have seen each other. Going to the counselors tomorrow with a positive attitude!!!

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