ilmw Posted June 8, 2007 Posted June 8, 2007 The W called me last night & said she was going to stop by her "best" friends house, when she got home she told me her best friend found out she has cancer & the doctors said if she doesn't do anything about it she has maybe a month to live, if she does kemo then she might have up to a year, so the W was really down last night. We had a good talk & I can see this is going to be very hard on her. Last night in bed she started to cry so we just talked, I just listened & tried my best to comfort her. She is taking this really hard. Right now I'm working long hours but it sounds like we are ahead of schedule for the opening on Monday, we started yesterday with the final inventory count that we thought we would have to be doing Saturday so that is good. Hopefully then I'll get back to 40 or close hours & so we can start spending a little more time together. Seems like we have been so busy we haven't been able to work on our relationship. Still have thoughts going threw my head, some of those what if questions, but I know once we can both set down & talk about things that we will be able to work them out. Why is it that older you get the roller coaster of life just seems to get bigger? I guess when you are young you have no worries, not as many responsibilities. Hang in there PW.. you worked so hard to get where you are... your almost there..k When you guys have more time to share.. I'm sure you will conect even more.. Awesome job of being supportive of your W in her time of need..
Author PWSX3 Posted June 15, 2007 Author Posted June 15, 2007 Just a quick update, I know I'm kind of the odd duck here since we are actually trying to make things work, but I am learning just as much about getting back together as I did when I was trying to find myself when the W moved out. There isn't much information about people getting back together & that is probably because only like 1% ever get back together. As everyone knows we have been very busy & have had lot of things happening, but I'm trying to stay focussed on what I can do. Something I have learned is it is VERY EASY to fall back into some of the old habits. Maybe it is because I have only been working on things for a short time concedering how many years I was thinking the other way. I have learned that it is very easy to make excuses not to do things & you have to stay focused on your goals. I just need to keep telling myself that if something is bothering me to just do it myself & don't expect any help. I finally got my hours at work which will be 9:00-5:30 which I don't like at all because I would rather get my work done early but since I don't have any choice right now I plan on going to the gym before going to work so it might work out better for now. I really want to keep hitting the gym because I really like how I feel when I'm working out, plus I like seeing muscles on my legs. :D:laugh: The W is doing the walk for life in a week so we have been walking every evening when she gets home, its not far but it is better then what she was doing last week, which was nothing. It is also fun just talking and spending some time together...... The W doesn't think her friend will ever get better, she stopped & saw her today & she thinks they might be getting ready to move her to a nursing home. It has really been hard on my W since this was a friend she went to whenever she needed help. I still hang out and read the different threads because you never know I might learn something. :laugh: Just keep moving forward & remember if I do stumble that it is O.K. to pick myself up & start over.
Author PWSX3 Posted June 29, 2007 Author Posted June 29, 2007 Just thought I would give a quick update in case someone is interested. I've been getting pretty flustrated lately so I sat down with the W & talked. She said she could tell I have been flustered & the talk did help but I still just wonder if it is worth it? I know my spouse isn't there to make me happy, but I also don't feel like they should be there to make me sad. I have worked hard I feel to make myself a better person & to be a better person yet I don't see her making many possitive changes. She keeps telling me she needs to do this or I'm going to do that yet they never get done & the only thing that does is makes me respect her less. There are just things that I want to get in line such as money, having an organized house, etc but it just seems like we are on the opposite ends of the earth when it comes to these things. I have learned that if I want something done to just do it myself, but then it would be nice to be able to do some of those things together or as a team. Our son has gone to a private school for the last 10 years & it is expensive so we were thinking of sending him to public school but I just don't think it would be fair. The W doesn't think we can afford it because of; I don't make as much money right now because of the job change, we have to many bills, but part of it is she doesn't watch her money as close as I feel we need to & there is a lot that falls thru the cracks. The other evening I was on the phone to my friend for over 45 minutes & the next evening when I sat down and talked to the W she told me she thought I was going to tell her to move out & that I was done. I told her I'm not ready to do that just yet, but it has crossed my mind. I heard about another book called Happyness is an inside job so I'm going to check it out & see if that will help me out some.
a4a Posted June 29, 2007 Posted June 29, 2007 P How much of the stress in your R is caused by money problems? If that portion of stress was removed then what other problems exist? This $ issue is a fixable problem. But it cannot be fixed if it is not confronted. You may have to put your foot down about a budget and coming to some sort of solution to either cut expenses or earn more. You have a right to state and confront matters in which your spouse does effect you. I can empathize with you as I am with a non confronting spouse.... honestly I have put my foot down and there is some improvement. Since I took over the entire business things are going great..... but I shoulder all responsibility and am responsible for all loss or gain.... that is stressful but price you pay if you are the leader and responsible one in a M. You may have to face the fact that you will be the responsible one in your M. If you do not want to shoulder that entire burden...... well only 2 choices left, she chips in and acts like a responsible adult or you become only responsible for yourself. Sounds like she needs a kick in the pants.... dilly dallying around is not going to make her or your life better..... saying and doing are 2 different things. And whatever her issues are - they are her's to fix. In the meantime you have to make it clear that her lack of action, behavior, and choices are effecting you in a way that you do not desire. Very soon it will be time to tell her clearly to "poop or get off the pot". But you need more income- so use some of that frustration energy and focus on that goal instead of brooding... alone or with her you need more income. Correct?
Gunny376 Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 To me? There are three key areas in which our parents and the educational system fails us in preparing us how to live in modern day life. The first is Personal Finance The second is Interpersonal Relations And the third is how to be organized None of these subjects are covered in the education system, from kindergarden through doctorate programs. I have purposely studied these subjects. I'm an advent reader of "Hints From Helosise" and highly recommend all of her and her daughter's books. They simply work. I'm also big on "Hellen Hunts" ~ "Debt Proof Living" as well as Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" The solution is not making more money. The solution is becoming financially secure with what you have to work with. The first of that is to become financially stable. We as a people in America have a problem with separating "wants" from "needs" Needs are simple ~ you need a place to live, a roof over your head, a place to sleep, etc. You need food. You need water. You need clothing! You need acess to health care (to include dental to some extent ~ one form or fashion) those are your need. And in America most of us need some form of transportation, for without it? It severly limits your optons. I have a lot of wants, but most of my needs I've meet. The solution is not more income ~ the solution is to minimmize your living expenses, maximize your income (to the best of your ability), eradicate debt as quickly as possible and to maximize savings. The solution is to get get just one weeks worth of net income in savings in the bank ~ and don't touch it! The two weeks, then three, then a months worth. Then two months, three months, ~ six months ~ a years worth of net income in the the bank. That is to say you can go one solid year and you still have a roof over your head, medical insurance etc. I know in about a year I've got to put $500 worth of tires on my car, the money's in the bank! I know that come Sept ~ I've got to re-new my tags! The money's in the bank I know that I've got to do the 20,000 mile tune up on my car come next March ~ the money's in the bank. I know my daughter's birthday is coming up in August ~ the money's in the bank I drive a loaded out Mazda Tribute, and people ask me? People use to ask me "What's your payment on that"? $1000 a month, I would say. They don't understand that I will have a dependable, low, low, low mileage vehicle paid off that I can drive for 10 years or more. I drive a 2003 Mazda Tribute with less than 20,000 miles on "her"
a4a Posted June 30, 2007 Posted June 30, 2007 Gunny I agree with your financial outlook to a degree. But what is the point of living if you do not set goals for yourself besides maintaining food, shelter, and medical? People are more apt to actually reach the goals that they want not what they need. P has discussed wanting a larger home I believe. This should be a goal to strive for. It is a given that you must live within your means IMHO.... but if I have to think about tearing off one single square sheet of TP to wipe my butt to cut expenses - I am going to shoot myself. - I will get a second job instead so I can used the whole damn roll in one sitting. People have got to quit simply relying on their paychecks where the earning potential has a ceiling. And P I know you get upset over your W's spending habits...... but don't you kinda have a car habit? - not picking on you, but I know car parts are not free either. Your wife could be using her crafts to make extra income and you could be using your car knowledge to make extra income. Your son needs to take on some responsibility with a summer job... mow lawns - whatever- pay for his own gas, clothing (the wanted ones not the needed ones), car insurance, and other things that do not involve food, shelter, and medical - basic needs. He is old enough and best he learns now. Hell my H is like freakin' McGyver...... can fix anything, told him to use that talent even if it is just bringing in an extra $200 a month to invest........ then we can spend the interest/profit from the investments. Buy some more land.... sell it later for a tidy profit.... and buy a few toys after reinvesting the majority of it.
Author PWSX3 Posted June 30, 2007 Author Posted June 30, 2007 My dad has always said; it's not how much you make, but how much you spend. Yes I do like my cars but I have really cut back on that, I have cut back on how much I go 4-wheeling because of the price of gas. Next weekend will be the first time this year. I do all my own mechanical work on the vehicles unless it takes a special tool or needs computer work. When the W moved out I cut my cable bill down to the basic & the only reason I didn't get rid of it is so I can have my high speed on the internet, that is my entertainment & my education tool. Now that she is back we still have the basics, which I feel are plenty of channels, even though I don't get any of my gear head channels anymore. The W has told me she does better with her spending & I have to agree she has gotten better, but just like me there is always room for improvement. We had a talk yesterday & we are going to set down & crunch numbers again, & this was the W's idea which I was very proud of her to say & yes I told her I was proud of her. She said she will try & put in a few more hours at work since she can do the OT. As for our son we just don't know what to do. We told him he has to pay for his insurance or he can't drive & he hasn't driven for over 5 months. He is just as happy to just lay around the house & if he needs to go someplace he will ride his bike. He does mow the yard, do the laundry & dishes while we are work so that does help but he still needs to get a real job. a4a I know you have suggested to give him rewards to do things but that doesn't seem to work either. I feel he is a lot like his mom & they just don't have any motovation. Starting Thursday he starts English classes because he flunked second semister. I think it all comes down to I see things in black & white. When we go someplace I will make a list of what I need to take, I plan weeks in advance for appointments that are coming up. The W sees things in grey, she just goes day by day & if she has plans in two weeks she will start planning what she will do the day before. How does that saying go; why do something today when you can put it off until tomorrow. I feel that is her thinking. Just like meals I'm thinking of what I want for supper while I'm driving home from work, & then I get home & start fixing it. She has no idea until she walks into the kitchen & starts wondering what she is hungry for. I know this has a lot to do with that choice thinking, I'm not right & she isn't right, we just do things different. I have my way of doing it, & she has her way of doing it so what I need to learn is "how can we make two different ideas or the way we think work together without it being I do my thing & she does her thing because that way makes me feel like we are just roommates." Our MC told me living with the opposite person is very hard to do specially since I think & plan so much, but she said it can be done so that is what I'm trying to learn & yes it is very hard.
a4a Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 P I must be married to your wife. I know how you feel. Right now I have been up for 3 hours and waiting for him to decide to get up so we can be on time to head to a clients home for a quick appt. I have my plan all laid out. When we get ready to leave I will have to play mommy and ask him if he packed the right equip., has the proper items needed, and the question "do we need to stop for fuel?" During the travel time I will be planning how to acheive more when we return...... Now I could shut up and waste $30 in fuel to get there and back, piss off the client, and have to spend another day and money driving there....... or I can be the responsible one and make things go smooth.... I don't think there really is a way to get them to take on the responsibility... I have tried everything. I truly believe this is a passive aggressive manuever on the "just let it flow" spouse...... based on anger... not towards us perhaps.... but misplaced anger or fear. let me guess your wife has zero sense of urgency as well? I don't think they realize the anxiety they cause us with their 'just let it flow' attitudes. What does the W do to help motivate your son?
Author PWSX3 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 P I must be married to your wife. let me guess your wife has zero sense of urgency as well? I don't think she knows what the word means. You always have tomorrow to do something. I don't think they realize the anxiety they cause us with their 'just let it flow' attitudes. What does the W do to help motivate your son? Nothing! She will tell him to do something but she doesn't even follow thru to see if he does it. I was talking to someone at the gym that has a girl about the same age as our boy & you would think they are brother & sister. I think it is just the generation of the kids now. I remember when I was young you made up games to play because you didn't have video games, you kept yourself entertained. Now to rant; last night I told the W we were going to the folks to repair some shingles this morning at 8:00. My mom is making breakfast for us so I told the W she is invited to go with for breakfast. She said that sounded good & she wants to go. It is 7:30 & me & my son are up (because I woke him up) so I went in to remind the W & she looks at me & said; O.K. I'll be up in 5 minutes. You know who won't be going to breakfast this morning. I don't know why she says she wants to do something when she knows good & well that she won't wake up. I'll come home at 10:00 & she will still be in bed. (rant off) What I need to do is either learn to adjust & live with someone like that & don't let it bother me because that is just how she is, or my other option is to get a divorce & just be happy with myself. Since our separation I have learned that I did control what she did, but I really thought it was what was best for her, but now I know my way doesn't always have to be the only way, but what I need to work on now is to let her make her own mind up. The part I have trouble with is she used to blame me for this or that, but if I didn't tell her what to do then nothing would get done & I feel she blamed me instead of blaming herself & now I make sure to point it out that she can't blame me for those things. Our boy has to take second semister English over & we had a talk about it when he got out of school in May and he wanted to take it on line & then they talked about doing it thru the mail so I just left it up to them. It has been a month now & nothing has been done about it so my folks got into it because they are worried about him & so they came over & talked to us about it. That really made the W mad because they got involved but she wasn't doing anything about it. Anyway my mom called a few people & found out they are starting second sem. classes which is what he needs on Thursday here in town & he just goes to class in the morning so she is getting him signed up Monday & they are paying for it for him. I think that is where I get my black & white from because if something needs done they get it done, don't put it off. It is good to know I'm not the only one trying to figure all this out. It is hard to just let someone waste away there day as I see it but that is her choice & I just have to except that & do my own thing.
sumdude Posted July 1, 2007 Posted July 1, 2007 Hmmm.. i might have been the other side of the equation. I'm a bit more seat of the pants type.. I wouldn't sit on my butt or be irresponsible or expect her to take care of things. Heck I paid all the bills etc and managed to keep my job unlike her. However I know it drove my X nuts because she had to be on time to anything... I have a habit of being just a little late> for her everything had to be planned in advance... way in advance. I'm a good planner but not nearly that exacting. Tend to wait till the last minute and rush to get ready. She likes a set schedule where I was less structured... A pretty common abrasion in relationships.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 1, 2007 Author Posted July 1, 2007 I think I already posted once about it, but I was watching a show on TV & that was something the preacher was talking about. Opposites do attract because we like how they think or we like them because they are different but then after time it starts to drive us nuts.....:laugh: He used things like one person wanting to be on time & the other if they are 10 minutes late it doesn't really matter they made it. My W is a little like that so now I let her know what time we have to be someplace & if she isn't ready I just tell her I'll meet her there. It was an eye opener for me that is for sure. I might be to that point & that is what I'm having trouble with now. Just trying to live with someone that is opposite of me.
a4a Posted July 2, 2007 Posted July 2, 2007 P is she making you nuts with this lack of urgency and lack of follow through? Are you making her nuts with the constant need to have her do things asap? I have to wonder if she is really aware of how much stress and anxiety she causes you when she procrastinates on issues that effect you. So tell me if this is the formula: You mention something needs attention "this is an important issue to me" She says "I know, I will" or something along those lines She continues not to follow through or address the issue. You start asking her "did you take care of the issue, are you going to?" She says again "I will" Still nothing happens and by this point you are "heating" up with frustration that soon turns to anger? I really believe this is a control issue for her..... she takes control in a passive aggressive manner....... the more you try to control her the more she digs her heels in and refuses to go along with the plan? But on the exterior she will not disagree, instead she doesn't confront it, nor say "no I don't want to do it that way or now.".......... If she is not passive aggressive than I can only think she just is self centered and does not care how important an issue is to you. PA people will often not do things that also can have a negative affect on their own life... just a by product that I suppose they justify because the "win" even though they get hit with a loss as well. Now at this point....... just bang your head against the wall....... works for me. As a parent she needs to step up to the plate and deal with the issues involving your son ASAP.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 3, 2007 Author Posted July 3, 2007 P is she making you nuts with this lack of urgency and lack of follow through? In the past it would drive me nuts & yes the way you said it was about correct, but now I ask & if she doesn't do it in a time I feel is adequate then I just do it myself. Yes I have learned I can do anything I need to do, I just would like her to be part of what I'm doing or be a help. Are you making her nuts with the constant need to have her do things asap? I'm not sure she never says anything except; I was going to do that & I just say; I know but I needed it done a little sooner then that. I have to wonder if she is really aware of how much stress and anxiety she causes you when she procrastinates on issues that effect you. So tell me if this is the formula: You mention something needs attention "this is an important issue to me" She says "I know, I will" or something along those lines She continues not to follow through or address the issue. You start asking her "did you take care of the issue, are you going to?" She says again "I will" Still nothing happens and by this point you are "heating" up with frustration that soon turns to anger? I really believe this is a control issue for her..... she takes control in a passive aggressive manner....... the more you try to control her the more she digs her heels in and refuses to go along with the plan? But on the exterior she will not disagree, instead she doesn't confront it, nor say "no I don't want to do it that way or now.".......... If she is not passive aggressive than I can only think she just is self centered and does not care how important an issue is to you. PA people will often not do things that also can have a negative affect on their own life... just a by product that I suppose they justify because the "win" even though they get hit with a loss as well. Now at this point....... just bang your head against the wall....... works for me. As a parent she needs to step up to the plate and deal with the issues involving your son ASAP. Nope I don't bang my head on the wall for anyone, I don't care for pain. Today she called & sounded pretty down. I know she has a lot going thru her head, her friend with cancer, trying to spend time with family, trying to put in a few more hours, etc. & I feel since it has a lot to do with organization that makes it even that much harder for her.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 7, 2007 Author Posted July 7, 2007 We are off to do some 4-wheeling with our 4-wheeling group & I'm really looking forward to it. This is something that me & the W do have in common so to me it is the first time we will have done something together that we both really enjoy so we will see how it goes. This is our annual 4th of July run & we have done it for the last 3 years, Patrick is a little bummed because we didn't get his Sami going in time. Put a new battery in it, but it also needs a sylinoid on the starter, which I had to order & won't get until Monday so he will be a passenger. I also got my booked yesterday called Happiness is an inside job so I'm looking forward to reading it. The first couple of pages talks about how we use other people, other things to make us happy & that we need to be happy on the inside & I don't feel I am there yet & I need to work on that. It's time for me to get back on track, keep learning, keep trying to better myself & then see how I look at our relationship.
mammax3 Posted July 8, 2007 Posted July 8, 2007 I've been thinking about your last few posts about the 'urgency' thing. Everyone goes at different speeds, and there is a huge piece to the opposites attract mentality. In thinking about my own situation, his 'lack of urgency' was making me crazy, and eventually I'd have to do it on my own or get someone else to. It became a problem every time he was home since there was ALWAYS something that I'd need him to do. I didn't want to play mother, or nag him! I wanted a partner that stood beside me. And his by the seat of his pants approach was bigger than just getting somewhere 10 minutes late - major jobs around the house weren't getting done. So although I'd like someone more layed back than me, I need someone who'll actually be my partner. If it's that you're not feeling like you have a partner... then I think that should be addressed, all the accomodating in the world won't help if you feel that you're out front all alone.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 8, 2007 Author Posted July 8, 2007 I've been thinking about your last few posts about the 'urgency' thing. Everyone goes at different speeds, and there is a huge piece to the opposites attract mentality. In thinking about my own situation, his 'lack of urgency' was making me crazy, and eventually I'd have to do it on my own or get someone else to. It became a problem every time he was home since there was ALWAYS something that I'd need him to do. I didn't want to play mother, or nag him! I wanted a partner that stood beside me. And his by the seat of his pants approach was bigger than just getting somewhere 10 minutes late - major jobs around the house weren't getting done. So although I'd like someone more layed back than me, I need someone who'll actually be my partner. If it's that you're not feeling like you have a partner... then I think that should be addressed, all the accomodating in the world won't help if you feel that you're out front all alone. Thank you!! Like they say opposites do attract, but then you would think after 26 years that you would kind of start to blend just a little, but it just doesn't seem that way. I look at my Aunts & Uncles, mom & dad & see how they work together, do things together & maybe that is how I feel my marriage should be as well.... I don't know maybe in the past the W just did it because she felt she needed to or something, but it just seems like since we are back together that you can REALLY tell how different we really are. Yesterday when we went 4-wheeling I had a great time, I didn't worry if the W was out talking with the other people, or if she got enough food, etc. I just had a good time. We did take my friend (her first time ever 4-wheeling) so I spent some time chatting with her, but she is very outgoing so she was talking to everyone, helping set up the canopies, having a great time. I guess I still have a hard time understanding a person with no motovation (specially now that I'm more active) & like you & a4a have said; there isn't anything wrong with that, they are just different & that is how I'm trying to look at it. I have to agree & lack a little in motovation sometimes, but when things need done & I know if you don't do them something worse will happen I get it done. A good example is her car is starting to leak antifreeze a month ago, I did tell her it is leaking & that it needs to be fixed before it gets worse & does more damage but I didn't volunteer to fix it. She doesn't want me to boss her around, but then when things break or need fixed then she comes running. If she asked me I would help "her" fix it, but she hasn't asked. She knows it needs fixed, I told her that & I left it up to her, but it won't get fixed until the hose or whatever is wrong will break & she will be stranded then she will call me & say; my car broke down come help me!!! I see there is a problem, & I look at the big picture. If it runs out of water then you can freeze up the motor, or if it is a hose then you will be stranded along the side of the road when you run out of water. She looks at it as, it will still run today & get me to work so I can wait until tomorrow to fix it & she has been doing that for over a month. I would love to say, tough titties lady that is your responsibility when it does finally break down but if she takes it someplace to get it fixed then it costs me money in the long run because I still will be the one paying for it when I or even her for that matter could fix it & she won't learn a thing from it. She wants her cake & eat it to, she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do, but she isn't responsible enough to get on things before its to late.
a4a Posted July 9, 2007 Posted July 9, 2007 I would love to say, tough titties lady that is your responsibility when it does finally break down but if she takes it someplace to get it fixed then it costs me money in the long run because I still will be the one paying for it when I or even her for that matter could fix it & she won't learn a thing from it. She wants her cake & eat it to, she doesn't want anyone to tell her what to do, but she isn't responsible enough to get on things before its to late. She doesn't want responsibility. She doesn't confront issues until she does so on her own terms regardless of the outcome. You are living my life......... good golly lets just go out and have a beer.... NOW! I have been working from the wee hours of the morn until 11:30 at night every day this week to just make sure things are getting done that need to be done...... However I will admit to an experiment I tried over the weekend. I pulled the surrendered wife line on the H - "whatever you think".......:lmao: he got furious!! Gave no direction, no initiation, no to do lists....... he got angry. Interesting experiment. I am the elected leader. At times that suckith big time.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 9, 2007 Author Posted July 9, 2007 She doesn't want responsibility. She doesn't confront issues until she does so on her own terms regardless of the outcome. You are living my life......... good golly lets just go out and have a beer.... NOW! I don't drink but maybe now is a good time to start.:laugh: I did go to the gym in the morning & also went for a 3 mile walk last night & that helped. However I will admit to an experiment I tried over the weekend. I pulled the surrendered wife line on the H - "whatever you think".......:lmao: he got furious!! Gave no direction, no initiation, no to do lists....... he got angry. Interesting experiment. :lmao::lmao: They don't want you to tell them what to do, but then when things start falling apart around them or they need something fixed they come running!!!! Another good experiment would be put those two together for 6 months & see what that train wreck would look like.....:lmao: I am the elected leader. At times that suckith big time. I have a feeling this is also the roll I am going to have to play as well. I just have to learn to be more like a politician when I talk to the W so I don't piss her off. I know it is all in the way you talk to people but I can't help it, I'm one of those guys that tells you what I think & its not always in a good way.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 14, 2007 Author Posted July 14, 2007 I really believe this is a control issue for her..... she takes control in a passive aggressive manner....... the more you try to control her the more she digs her heels in and refuses to go along with the plan? But on the exterior she will not disagree, instead she doesn't confront it, nor say "no I don't want to do it that way or now.".......... You got me thinking & I have noticed when we go to the store & if I start walking to fast instead of her saying; hey you are walking to fast please slow down she will start slowing down herself. She slows down so then I have to stop & wait for her. Last night we went out & ate then went to a park about two blocks away to check out the hot rods in the park. I made sure & told her; if I'm walking to fast for you please let me know & then I held her hand. I noticed we did walk slow but I have seen her walk slower in the store when I get to far ahead of her. Now maybe this is just me, but I am starting to see where she will do things just in order to get her way. Just like her fish tank, it has cost her a lot of money in setting it up & keeping fish because she is always killing them but by God she is going to have a fish tank just because she knows it is something I didn't want her to have. She just doesn't realize it wasn't the fish tank that I was against but I knew she wouldn't take care of it & it would cost a lot more money once it was set up, which is what it is doing but she doesn't care..... Something else she did that pissed me off was to buy plants for outside. I didn't mind the idea of the flowers but I knew she wouldn't take care of them & yes this week I had to throw away the two pots she had because the flowers are died, but I didn't say a thing when she bought them nor when I put them in the trash....Don't worry about the small ca-ca, pick your battles & this isn't one anymore for me!!! When I'm finished with the book I'm reading I will pick up a book on Passive Aggressive behavior. I am starting to learn/see why I was controlling, but I don't feel like the W is learning why she does the things she does so it will be interesting. Now I have a question; Her plates were due in June for her car. We get a grace month, which is this month. Now she is the one that took the card out of the mail & set it on the computer desk but I she has forgot about it & if I don't say anything then she won't get her plates. Now the old me would like to see her forget about it, then get a ticket because of it but then it costs me money, which will piss me off. If I say something then again I'm controlling & telling her what to do. I feel I'm between the rock & hard place because no matter what happens I'm the one that gets screwed because if I don't say anything she will say it was my fault for not reminding her & if I don't say anything then I will have to pay for the $10.00 late charge plus the ticket if she gets one. No matter how you look at it it is our money so even if she says she will pay for it the money comes out of our checking. I understand we are different but I'm trying to figure out how to live with such a person because they say if I dump this one the chances are I'll just meet another woman like her.
ilmw Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 I think opposites attract/work out.. when each person is willing to A) except the other person.. B) willing to try new things C) embrace the differences... and D) not get bent out of shape... when there partner... will not change to there way of thinking??
IfWishesWereHorses Posted July 14, 2007 Posted July 14, 2007 The book you need is on avoidant personality disorder, not passive aggressive disorder. Avoidants have passive aggressive tendancies, that's part of the disorder. Actually its believed to be the only PD that is easily corrected from what I've read. The experts have actually been in disagreement for years whether this is an actual PD. It does exist however and many spouses like you can attest to it. It would probably be a better use of your time to check this out.
a4a Posted July 17, 2007 Posted July 17, 2007 Now the old me would like to see her forget about it, then get a ticket because of it but then it costs me money, which will piss me off. If I say something then again I'm controlling & telling her what to do. I feel I'm between the rock & hard place because no matter what happens I'm the one that gets screwed because if I don't say anything she will say it was my fault for not reminding her & if I don't say anything then I will have to pay for the $10.00 late charge plus the ticket if she gets one. No matter how you look at it it is our money so even if she says she will pay for it the money comes out of our checking. I understand we are different but I'm trying to figure out how to live with such a person because they say if I dump this one the chances are I'll just meet another woman like her. When you figure out how to solve this type of situation please let me know. I have gotten to the point that I just go on a 5 day rant about it.... non stop. I remind him if he would like me to stop then he should not repeat this behavior. "pay the f-ing bill" comes out of my mouth from time to time. I am also getting to the point of not caring...... I am in "whatever" mode 50% of the time. I ask my H if he has clean underpants on, brushed his teeth, and remembers what bus to get on after school..(the short one)..... I am his mommy. Yes I tell him this. Amazing that just writing about this has enraged me. I cannot even get into how he killed his dog....... I am still amazed. Of course the responsibility of caring for the dog as it died was on me. The cremation was on me..... he is a azzhole. It took everything in me to keep from punching him in the face over this one....... his retardation, laziness, and not believing what I told him killed his dog. I don't think he gave a rip.....Mommy will fix it. (his stupidity and choices kill things)....... knew the possible outcome and neglected to prevent it.... so interesting..... dealing with this right now with another physical threat here.... I will have to open a can of azzwhip to get it solved....... does not believe it will happen. WTF causes this? Boils down to him being selfish and very stupid. When I ask him to do something he does the opposite...... ask him not to... he does it. He totally unwired my whole network in my office..... I asked him not to... 3 days to fix.... nor would he call a help desk to fix it.... 3 days..... took me 20 minutes to fix after a quick call to the help desk that he would not make...:rolleyes::rolleyes: Consistantly not believing what I tell him. I truly believe in my case - maybe yours as well- that they don't want to be wrong, control, competition, and ego come into play. Each time I am right it seems to piss him off more and more. Guess he thinks I am smarter than him.... and doesn't like it? So his way of "proving" himself is to stay on his own path to not feel controlled and lose his sense of freedom to be a tardo. Didn't mean to jack your thread but these are two similar people. I can see why you could have gotten to the point of screaming and being nasty to her...... perhaps it is their way of controlling us. I wonder if they derive pleasure from this in some way?
Author PWSX3 Posted July 18, 2007 Author Posted July 18, 2007 I can see why you could have gotten to the point of screaming and being nasty to her...... perhaps it is their way of controlling us. I wonder if they derive pleasure from this in some way? To be honest with you I don't think they would even know if they were controlling us by there actions. Last night I reminded her again about her plates & she replied with; do we have the money? No I just told you they were due but you can't do anything about it because we don't have the money...... Yes you can get them..:love: Are you ready for that beer now?!?!?!?!? :laugh::lmao:
a4a Posted July 18, 2007 Posted July 18, 2007 To be honest with you I don't think they would even know if they were controlling us by there actions. Last night I reminded her again about her plates & she replied with; do we have the money? No I just told you they were due but you can't do anything about it because we don't have the money...... Yes you can get them..:love: Are you ready for that beer now?!?!?!?!? :laugh::lmao: Now would it not make you happy if she came to you and stated before you did. P, my plates are expired... we need to solve this problem. I often think if the house was on fire here my H would just sit down and grab the remote as it burned down around him. la la la la...... Must be nice to just be able to ignore issues. And yes I am ready for that Beer...... But no time to stop working... It is tough being a business owner and a mom. :lmao: I am planning a party at this moment with over 300 guests...... this is just as hard as planning a wedding...... if not worse. Working until the wee hours on it. H is in La la la la land. But the kicker is he will get the "credit" for it. And yeah that irritates me.
Author PWSX3 Posted July 23, 2007 Author Posted July 23, 2007 Friday I got off before the W & we have been carpooling this week then I ride my bicycle the 7 miles to my work from her work, so I just told her I would start riding the 25 miles home & she could pick me up when she saw me. Well the good news is she never saw me on the road, I made it all the way home in less then two hours, I was VERY HAPPY with myself & VERY TIRED!!! Those little hills that you drive on in a car seem to be a LOT bigger on a bike that's for sure...:laugh: It does make you feel good & it makes me look better I hope... I did get a compliment on my legs from a gal at work the other day... The W was nice enough to give me a little back rub, which I thought was very nice. It would have been nice if she would have done it without me asking but I'll take it. I do have to say the half hour commute we have together has been good for both of us, we get to visit & just have good talk time. Each day one of us would say; this sure is nice riding together, but the W does it more since she doesn't have to drive. Today we went shopping & I parked a little farther away, one reason because we could park under a tree & get some kind of shade (its freaking hot today!!!), plus it makes the W have to walk a little. After we got back into the car I thanked her for walking a little faster then she usually does. I said; I slowed down a little & she sped up a little which was a good compromise. She said she didn't even notice but when we hold hands it make it easier for us to go the same speed. We made lunch together & then when our son got home this evening we all three pitched in to make supper, it was fun. Now we are cutting up all the fruit that we bought so it is easier to get ready for lunches next week. The W also bought extra cherry's because she said she wants some in her lunch. I made sure & told her I thought that was awesome that she wanted fruit in her lunch & I'll make sure & cut up cucumbers for her as well Monday because she likes those as well. We are also working together somewhat on our budget & trying to get everything lined up before our son goes to school. He is also working half a day at school so that is helping & Friday a friend is going to help him go put in a couple applications for work since neither of us can help push him. Our friends wife is a teacher at the school & they really like Patrick & want to see him do good this year. I guess for now things are slowly starting to look better, I think she will always bug me because she doesn't follow through on anything, but if I can help without being controlling & she will start excepting she does put stuff off maybe we can work more as a team. a4a, as for the fork I hope I don't need it but I do have it handy just in case...:laugh::lmao:
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