Another trial separation chapter 2

[PWSX3]

I've been giving some long though about your PM, and this post. You might want to check out a book called, "Self Talk" sorry can't remember the author off the top of my head, but it would be a good read for you. I might still have my copy around here somewhere ~ but then again I can't find my "White Trash Cooking" (actual book) cookbook?!

Thanks Gunny I'll check it out, anything I can do to make myself a better person, that is my goal. Might even check out the White Trash Cooking book as well, I'm always up for new idea on food. :laugh:

[Gunny376]

Don't even try to understannd the snooze thing. That definitely falls into the don't sweat the small stuff category. I know I'm a snooze button monster. I even sometimes blindly set my clock a few minutes fast too. Pick your battles man.

 

True enough? I actually have three alarm clocks (from my days on the Drill field when I use to work sixteen ~ eighteen hour days ~ 80 hour weeks ~ for weeks on end) set on the otherside of the room.

 

I'm not a fun guy to be around when I first wake up. God pity the fool that gets between me the shower, coffee pot and my OJ!

[sumdude]

True enough? I actually have three alarm clocks (from my days on the Drill field when I use to work sixteen ~ eighteen hour days ~ 80 hour weeks ~ for weeks on end) set on the otherside of the room.

 

I'm not a fun guy to be around when I first wake up. God pity the fool that gets between me the shower, coffee pot and my OJ!

 

 

LOL

 

I have a freind who had a timer set on a guitar amplifier with a microphone stuck into the speaker. If you all know that awful squeal of a microphone feeding back at high volume you'll get the idea. I spent a couple nights there and the second morning I automatically woke up 2 minutes before that torture device went off and ran out of the house!

[PWSX3]

LOL

 

I have a freind who had a timer set on a guitar amplifier with a microphone stuck into the speaker. If you all know that awful squeal of a microphone feeding back at high volume you'll get the idea. I spent a couple nights there and the second morning I automatically woke up 2 minutes before that torture device went off and ran out of the house!

ROFLMAO!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

Thanks sumdude, you made my day!!!!:laugh:

 

You are so right, I need to pick my battles. I just see it as; if someone sets there alarm then they are doing it for a reason so do it...... :laugh:

That was just one example & like our MC told me that is how I feel I need to live in the world, seeing things in black & white. She thinks I would make good manager material.

 

Just like people being late, if you have an appointment then why should you be late?

 

NOTE TO SELF: Worry about yourself and not what others do!!!!!

[ilmw]

ROFLMAO!!!:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

Thanks sumdude, you made my day!!!!:laugh:

 

You are so right, I need to pick my battles. I just see it as; if someone sets there alarm then they are doing it for a reason so do it...... :laugh:

That was just one example & like our MC told me that is how I feel I need to live in the world, seeing things in black & white. She thinks I would make good manager material.

 

Just like people being late, if you have an appointment then why should you be late?

 

NOTE TO SELF: Worry about yourself and not what others do!!!!!

 

Hey PW,

 

Yeah your sweating the small stuff. I used to be like that... too. I also am one of those who sets the alarm 5 mins ahead.. to fool myself... I got to lay in.. (NOT a morning person either)

 

The advice you got from you MC was really good. BUT.. if you think about it... it is old advice. It is something you have been doing ... and working on for months already... Learning to change..or rewrite your internal dialogue.

 

 

People do things that bug us... and we do stuff that bugs others... I know both DW and I did things that did this... but in my mind... what she did... was really no big deal. But when you have a negative frame of mind... those small minor things... which you may have tried to help them with..... can become major things... blown out of proportion.

 

Get your mind set... like you had before your DW... and you were getting back together... Fight for this... don't let anything get in your way... You said it was worth it to you.... So do it... conquer these negative thoughts... you control you... SO DO IT!

 

and you will live happily ever after...

 

Seriously... what might be happening is self sabotage. Get a hold of those negative thoughts.. and flush them.

 

There... I said my piece for positive thinking...:bunny:

 

Go get'em Tiger..

ilmw

[sumdude]

NOTE TO SELF: Worry about yourself and not what others do!!!!!

 

You got it right on there. That's the key to life. The old serenity prayer works as a perfect mantra for life. Things I'm learning the hard way. Anyone who has control issues (like me) needs to get something out of this.

 

" Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot chage. The courage the change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

 

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change."

 

That being anything not in your direct control which is just about everything and everyone. If you get lost in worrying about all those things you end up paralyzed and angry all the time. I ended up at some point paralyzed and lost in a bad place trying to use a drink to calm my ever worrying mind. The more you try to control someone else's actions the more they do the exact opposite, just human behavior.

 

"The courage to change the things I can."

 

The only things you can change are your own actions and reactions to things.

 

" and the wisdom to know the difference."

 

Knowing that you only have control over yourself.

[PWSX3]

Thanks everyone!!!!!!

 

I think right now the addition of not being employeed is adding stress, but it's all good. I know I wasn't happy where I was & now I have the chance to find something that I want to do.

 

As my Grandma used to tell me; IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD! and she wasn't to far off when she would say that. It's just going to take some time to change how I have been thinking for the last 40+ years, but Ilmw I won't give up & I'm not going to quit and that's the bottom line...

[a4a]

how is the job hunt?

[PWSX3]

how is the job hunt?

Haven't really started, just been checking things on line, paper, etc. I'm working on a resume as we speak. If anyone knows of a place on line you can make one it would be appreciated, I'm having trouble finding a free site.

 

I did do a test on line of what types of jobs I would be better suited for & it came up as clerical, systematic, & Industrial arts type jobs.

 

I did fill out an application for were the W works at and they are hiring right now. There are 3 different divisions so I wouldn't be in the same one as she is so it's not like I would be working with her, which is a good thing. :laugh: The building is huge so the only time we might see each other is at lunch.

 

There is another job that I would be interested in but that one would mean we would have to move to the western slope, which to me wouldn't be a bad thing.

[PWSX3]

The weather is finally getting nice here so I was able to get out and try my new shoes outdoors, walked from my folks to our place, which is 1.5 miles and it took me 22 minutes (15 minute miles) which is what I hope to do in the run/walk in May.

 

The W & I sat down yesterday & she said she is giving her month notice so it is official, the gang is getting back together!!!!:laugh:

 

Today we hope to clean out the garage so she can put some of her stuff there, & we also need to clean it out just so we can have room for the stuff we are re-aranging in the house.

 

I figure it this way; most of my issues I have with her are really things I don't have control over so if I just keep doing what I've been doing in the last 6 months (except getting sex now:eek:) and if something isn't done like I think it should be then I just need to do it myself.

 

She has told me that she is really going to work hard on money, she likes how clean I had the house so she wants to help keep it that way & like everyone says; I need to pick my battles......

 

I feel very good today, we have a busy day planned and it's doing things together even if its cleaning and yard work.

 

Gunny I still wake up every morning & tell myself; I WILL NOT BE THAT OLD PERSON EVER AGAIN"!!!!! and that's the bottom line.

 

I did pick up a day pack yesterday at a good price. I am looking forward to doing some hiking this summer & now I have something to put my junk in.

 

Things are looking good, but I feel we still have a couple tough months ahead of us, but at least we are working towards the same goal instead of against each other.

 

Have a AWESOME DAY!!!! and if not I'll have it for you...:bunny:

[sumdude]

WOOHOOO! Man it's great to hear good news. Keep it going. I wish you and the W all the best. If the two of you can keep learning to deal with problems well it going to get easier every day. If something really irks you deal with it later when the emotions calm down. Sorta like a business meeting maybe?

[Ladyjane14]

WOOHOOO! Man it's great to hear good news. Keep it going. I wish you and the W all the best. If the two of you can keep learning to deal with problems well it going to get easier every day. If something really irks you deal with it later when the emotions calm down. Sorta like a business meeting maybe?

 

 

Ditto!!! :bunny:

[Gunny376]

Glad to hear the good news? :bunny:

 

Sumdude makes a good point ~ handle things and approach them oh-so-matter-of-factly.

 

I suspect that part of the reason that you're with the DW is because you need to learn some of her ways ~ such as just chilling and not stressing about things ~ because in the end they will all work out one way or the other.

 

You've really only two things to worry (stress) about?

 

Whether your healthy or sick ~ if your healthy? You've nothing to worry about, but if your sick ~ you've still only two things to worry about ~ whether you're going to live or die? If you live? You've got nothing to worry about ~ but if you die? You've still only two things to worry about ~ whether you're going to Heaven or Hell. If you go to Heaven? You've got nothing to worry about,..........................................

 

And if you go to Hell it won't matter because you'll be too busy saying hello and shaking hands with all you friends~ :p

[PWSX3]

Since I've been doing a lot of reading lately I have noticed the little words are getting a little fuzzy so I made an eye appointment (first one for me) and of course I need glasses so that is just something else to add to my list.

 

No job, working on relationship with me w, and now glasses that I don't have money for. I hope they are right and things come in just three because that is all I can take at this time. Yesterday was pretty hard & I really felt down so I told the W I'm going hiking in the mountains Friday (because it supposes to be nice) and I just want to think. I want to get a way for the day & just be by myself.

 

By the way as for the W & me, things are going O.K. I still wonder if things will work out, she keeps telling me she just wants to take it slow & see what is going to happen, no planning, just go with the flow type attitude. I guess I need to trust our MC because she said I have the best teacher (my wife) for learning patients so we will see.

[ilmw]

Since I've been doing a lot of reading lately I have noticed the little words are getting a little fuzzy so I made an eye appointment (first one for me) and of course I need glasses so that is just something else to add to my list.

 

No job, working on relationship with me w, and now glasses that I don't have money for. I hope they are right and things come in just three because that is all I can take at this time. Yesterday was pretty hard & I really felt down so I told the W I'm going hiking in the mountains Friday (because it supposes to be nice) and I just want to think. I want to get a way for the day & just be by myself.

 

By the way as for the W & me, things are going O.K. I still wonder if things will work out, she keeps telling me she just wants to take it slow & see what is going to happen, no planning, just go with the flow type attitude. I guess I need to trust our MC because she said I have the best teacher (my wife) for learning patients so we will see.

 

Sounds like you are getting a little long in the tooth... (kidding)

 

Yeah... crap does seem to come in threes... Strange eh?

 

The walk in the mountains sounds like a great idea. I kinda wish there was something like that around here... but.. sadly NO.

 

As for the W and you... maybe it is best to take one day at a time... It keeps the pressure down.. and you can relax with her... instead of having the added stress.. You are going through stressful times my friend.. and I know.. the job search.. can be very stressful... Be thankful.. she is still in your court... and this did not happen when you 2 were still separated... You might not be where you are today...???

 

Its times like this... I know it is hard to count our blessings... but my friend... you are blessed. Try to remember it... k...

 

Have fun on your walk bud...

ilmw

[Gunny376]

I've been where you're at Perry, and I'm on the otherside here to tale the tale.

 

Things will get better, you've just got some "storms of life" rolling over you, and like the rain, all this to will pass and the sun will shine again.

 

Got to agree with the DW though, one of the hardest lessons I had to learn was to just chill out, and take things one day at a time, and as the come. Just deal with it.

 

I've also learned to keep my life simple and un-complicated. When I retired from the Corps, I went to college with plans of going to law school.

 

But, it a struggle to climb that mountain ~ and then I got to questioning why I wanted to or needed to. And then I saw my older step-brother (a lawyer). Oh he's got the nice house, the expensive cars, the house on the lake, takes the exotic vacations etc. He also doesn't have any money ~ credit? Yes, money ~ no. He works most days from 4:30 AM until late at night. If he gets home in time to catch the 10:00 news ~ it was short day. Who wants that? Who needs that?

 

The guy I work for is one of the richest men in the state ~ self made millionaire ~ several times over. I've never meet a more miserable human being in my life. An ex-stripper gold digger for a wife. No friends (because he can't trust anyone, already had several friends rip him off)

 

I got a some kind of roof over my head, a decent dependable ride, three squares a day ~ my health? I'm all day good.

 

Some articles for your consideration:

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/soa6.htm

 

and

 

http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/blessed.htm

 

Hang in there my friend ~ all these storms are going to pass!

[sumdude]

LOL I took that stress test a couple times in the last 2 years. Scored well over 400 .... and still counting ...

 

It's no wonder all this **** happened

 

80% chance of becoming metally or physically illl

 

got that right, I see my drinkin' as a pretty big sign of that

[ilmw]

Hey... where is PW today...??

[Gunny376]

He went hiking in the mountains ~ rember ~ FRIDAY!

[ilmw]

He went hiking in the mountains ~ rember ~ FRIDAY!

 

Oh yeah......thought it was on the weekend... Geessh.. I so easily forget what day it is.... Tomorrow.. is my Monday...

[PWSX3]

Hey... where is PW today...??

I'M BACK!!!!!:laugh::laugh:

So you go to the mountains hoping to get away from everything and guess what? I meet a chick on the trail...:eek:

She left just a little before I did but about a quarter mile up the trail I caught up with her so we just hung out and talked. She has a 26 yr. old daughter so I figured she was around my age, she hikes all the time by herself. It was good to hear her point of view on some things & it was nice to talk, but then we got at the half way point & I wanted to eat & get something to drink so she kept on going.

 

The trip back was nice because it was just me (except the couple people I met) but it did me some good to get fresh air in my head, just be able to think and enjoy my time by myself (or almost by myself)

 

Ilmw, I wished you could come out and go for a hike with me, it really does a person good & I plan on doing it more often this summer. I weighed my pack & it was 20 pounds, I wanted to see what it would be like since I know if my boy goes with I'll be caring his stuff. That is a little to much for just a day hike.

 

I also picked up a water bladder for my pack so now I don't have to carry bottles & I don't have to worry about taking the pack off.

 

The W last night said she was coming home early so we can visit. We are suppose to be doing that once a week & we haven't done it this week.

 

Maybe she will give me an idea of how she is feeling & what she would like to happen in the future. Someone told me I need to get back to the basics & worry about me & that is what I'm going to do.

 

As for her weight bothering me, I have just decided there is nothing I can do about it. (Doh!!!) It is going to take something bad to happen to her such as getting sick, having high blood preasure, etc. before she will maybe do something about it, but until then I will keep hiking (my time) I will keep going to the gym, and then find things we can do as a couple. (our time) even if it's just going to the movie or setting at home talking.

[PWSX3]

Last night we sat down and had our "talk" and it looks like I'm in waters that not to many people get to tread in since we are trying to work things out & most people here are moving on.

 

She started with saying she feels she might have moved back in to quick, she said; she still doesn't feel like she belongs at our place. She said she misses her place & just being there by herself with her dog.

 

I understand a little of what she feels like because it seems like we don't see each other, I explained to her that we haven't done much together because she is working extra hours (working today) & when she is getting home I'm about ready for bed. Sundays is the only day she has off & she sleeps until 10:00 then by the time she gets going you only have the afternoon & that time she uses to do things she hasn't done all week.

 

We live in a small duplex & she started to clean out half of the garage so she could start bringing her stuff back in but she quit doing that because most of the stuff was mine & she doesn't know what to do with it. I had started to help her with it but I felt I was just coming up with all the ideas and kinding of taking control so I decided to just leave it up to her, instead we should have sat down and figured out what we wanted to do together.

 

We thought of putting her stuff in storage so she could go thru it a little at a time, and we also thought of building a shed out back (get something out of your money instead of just renting a storage unit) but since I'm not working right now we don't have the extra money. She has a LOT of scrap booking material & she always talks about she wants to get back into scrap booking but that was one of the things she said when she moved out that I wouldn't let her do her scrap booking yet she never did any of it while she was on her own.

 

I said something to her about she has only cooked two meals since she has been back, she only washes her work cloths, I do the rest and it's been easy to keep the house clean because she is never around that much.

 

She also said she feels when she gets something to eat that I'm always watching her, but I told that wasn't true. That is just her mind playing with her because she knows it bothered me before. She also said she wants to join Weight Watchers because a girl she works with is going to join and that way she would know someone. If she does that is great, everyone has to find what works for them.

 

Our talk last night really got me down, I just felt like telling her to just go back to her place & we can forget trying to get back together. In some ways it would be a lot easier & then I would know what direction I would need to go. Right now I don't know what to do, I don't know how to fix it (it's a guy thing ) and I guess that will be something we can talk to the MC about next week.

 

She did say she loves me:love: and she still wants to work things out. She doesn't want to give up on us & she wants to work things out.

 

The other thing I don't understand is she has a stack of books she said she wants to read, and some of them are about relations, but those aren't the ones she is wanting to read.

 

I feel like we are roommates with benefits:eek: I do my thing, she does hers and then we have sex once in a while for the benefit and I'm not sure what we need to do to get out of that feeling. In the book I'm reading now it says you need to make time for each other just like anything else you do. I explained to the W also that when I have asked her to go for a walk it is so we can just spend some time together, it doesn't cost any money either. Be out by ourself and she said she would have to remember that. I feel she thinks I ask her so we can get her out to excerise but that is just a bonus.

 

I try and do special things for her such as last night fix something I know she likes but it seems like they all blow up in my face. Its a very flustrating time for us right now. Just got a lot on the table right now & it seems like I'm going to short circuit here pretty soon.

 

I am also throwing around the idea of getting my CDL since there seems to be a demand right now for truck drivers. I would like to stay local and not go over the road and a guy I work out with said he thought there were plenty of local jobs right now & some of them might even help pay for the schooling.

 

Thanks for letting me vent, it really helps to be able to share my thoughts. I just wished the answers were in black and white & there was a book you could just pick up and it would tell you what to do.

 

Its time to get this sore body off to the gym, that hike yesterday kicked my butt:D but I need to at least go lift weights if nothing else.

[sumdude]

Hmmm... sounds like some cracks are showing.. Is there any way the two of you could go on some sort of adventure together? Even just a road trip that's not going to cost you much? Obviously the day to day stuff is important to work out but maybe you're focusing too much on that for the moment. Need to have some fun together that you can both agree on and reconnect on that level. Let her suggest something and just go with it.

 

Sounds like she is very self conscious about her weight right now. You're pushing buttons you don't even know exist.

It's all about perception and communication. She thinks your suggestions are all about something else.

 

Some things are ringing familiar bells for me.. My STBX said she felt that I wouldn't allow her to do certain things and she's happy just living with her dog now. She said my 'body language' would tell her that I forbid her to go horseback ridingthough I never said it. I was slightly against it because she used to get hurt but she never fought for it. If she had just told me "This is important to me and I'm going to do it." I would have let it be...

 

Oh hindsight is 20 -20. Be patient

[PWSX3]

Hmmm... sounds like some cracks are showing.. Is there any way the two of you could go on some sort of adventure together? Even just a road trip that's not going to cost you much?

Matter of fact we are going to Moab next month to go four wheeling with our Ford Explorer web site group. Something we both enjoy & this year the W is going to drive some of the trails.

Obviously the day to day stuff is important to work out but maybe you're focusing too much on that for the moment. Need to have some fun together that you can both agree on and reconnect on that level. Let her suggest something and just go with it.

Be patient

There's those two words again....:laugh:

I'm getting better but I just want to get things back to a half way normal life. Things have been just way to hecktic and I'm getting tired.....

[Ladyjane14]

But I've got problems with the lying, cheating, self-serving, selfish, can't please, can't appease, can't satisify, can't pacify, narrcistic bitch like I was married to.

 

This is a clip from one of Gunny's posts on another thread... and you know what?... I think he's stumbled onto one of the BIGGEST problems facing married couples in crisis, and something that's facing YOU today.

 

The idea that 'there's nothing you can do to please your partner' is something that I believe flies under the radar way too often. I think in some ways, men are more susceptible to feeling that way. Men seem to have an almost innate desire to "provide" for the family, and providing happiness seems to be somewhat inclusive to that equation. Men often absorb their spouse's un-happiness like a sponge, like it was somehow all their fault, like a failure in upholding his responsibility to the family.

 

But women can go down that road too, particularly when dealing with issues related to self-esteem. We don't tend to blame ourselves for other people's unhappiness at the same rate men do. Now, that's not science... it's just my observation.

But, we do internalize quite a bit of self-loathing when we have negative body image and poor habits. If we can't love and approve of ourselves, we can't feel like our partner will love and approve of us either.

 

It's a difficult thing when we feel that there's NOTHING we can do to really please our partner... and that goes for both men and women.

 

Perception is the truth in alot of things. If her perception is that she can't overcome these personal deficits in a timely way.... she's going to try to stall for more time so she can resolve these issues. In her mind, her weight and her clutter are bound to cause the eventual destruction of the recovery effort, because she sees them as potentialy causing a fatal loss of love. She's going to want to resolve these things first believing she needs them to be OFF the slate in order to have a clean, fresh, start.

(In actuality, it will be the emotional distancing that her insecurities are breeding in YOU which will be causal if the recovery fails. )

 

It all boils down to KNOWING that you please your partner. So, until she BELIEVES that she can please you... fat or thin... neatnik or clutterbug... this isn't going to go away. She's got to KNOW that you love the woman on the inside, not just what she shows to the world.

 

Unfortunately, you can tell her than it's so until you both turn blue. But she won't buy it until she, herself, accepts it into her own perceptive TRUTH.