Treadstone Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 My g/f dumped me about a month ago and moved out of our home nearly 3 weeks ago. I was devastated afterwards but managed to pick up the pieces with the support of friends and fellow forumers here. I've been great, managed to convince myself that there's not a chance in hell that I'll take her back should she want to later. I've been going on numerous dates, met some great girls and had fun. One of the girls I have been seeing more often. She's twice as beautiful than my ex and twice as brainy. She's compassionate, understand my current situation and she's been helping me quite a lot to get over my ex. Need I say that we've been romantic on a few occasions and its been great. Everything is being perfect getting over my ex up until last night. Wham! I'd a dream about her and today I'm a total wreck. I couldn't stop thinking about her all day at work. I MISS HER LIKE CRAZY! I just simply can't get her off my mind. I cannot resist the urge to trace her number down and call her. Where is all this sudden feelings coming from? Why do I feel the urge to want to be with her now? What's happening to my heart? Why couldn't things just stay like they were yesterday, and the day before and the day before. What is causing all this lapse? Does this mean anything? My ex has been persistently trying to contact me since she moved out but I've always managed to ignore her by not picking up her call or returning them. Tonight, I'm not so sure I can ignore her if she calls. Somebody grab my hair and pull it out. I'm so downspirited, weak and can't stop venting and i'm close to tears again. Its the first couple of days all over again. Treadstone
atm2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I totally understand what you are going through. I'm in the middle of a divorce and sometimes I'm fine, ready to move on, and postive. Then one little thing can kick me down. I know that as long as I stay busy I'm ok...so maybe if you just keep busy you won't think about her but if you definetly want her out of your life do not answer the phone, it just makes everything worse. I can't ignore the calls b/c we have two babies together, it makes it harder.... you truely have to take it step by step. I don't know why all of a sudden you are having these feelings, but before you talk to her you need to decide on what you want and how you really feel. I responded because I know how you feel and I don't know what to do about it except for take it day by day.
Kamille Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Treadstone, First, let me congratulate you on how well you've been doing and how strong you've been. I wasn't even in a relationship and I have bad days about the last guy I dated. I don't think, however, any of us escape the pain of the end of a relationship. So what you are feeling today is normal, but, more importantly, it will pass. Just be patient with yourself. And don't pick up that phone! You'll be that much prouder tomorow! best of luck
maoserr Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Hmm, why would she try to contact you right after she moved out? Why did she break up with you in the first place? Is she having depression or something?
Author Treadstone Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 Thank you all for your words of encouragement and your understanding. Timing is extermely critical here and it almost seem today as if my life is moving into reverse. I cannot fathom why this sudden intense feeling to want her back. I so do not wish to continue like this and I hope I feel better tomorrow if I make it through the night. Why now??? I'm suppose to be happier today than I was a few weeks ago but I'm worse. Doesn't make sense. How can you hate somebody so much for what they did to you and love them at the same time? Conventional wisdom dictates that love & hate are incompatible but in my case I've being experiencing both all day. Maoserr, she broke up with me because, according to her, she needed space to find herself. She's never lived alone before. We'd been living together for 2 yrs and prior to that she lived with her family. She didn't accept the premise that she was leaving me for another person even though she started going out with someone from her work right after she dumped me. To answer your second question, she started calling me a week after she moved out. Her reasons were that she wanted to get the rest of her stuff which she had, in my opinion, left here intentionally. I managed to allow her to have those stuff but she still call here - to what end I don't know because I don't respond to her calls or return them. Arrrrrrrgggggghhhhhh, I can't believe I feel this way but really I do and that's the scary pary. Treadstone
maoserr Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 From just what you said, if she's never lived by herself before, she might be feeling lonely and just wants some company. If you feel like you do have to talk to her, try limited form of communication, such as snail mail or e-mail. That way you have time to compose your thoughts and sort out your feelings. Heck, even writing a letter without sending it can be helpful.
Author Treadstone Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 She actually did call. Took your advise. Resisted the impulse to answer the phone. Listened to her leave a msg on the answering machine yet again. Here's what she said "Hi, I was wondering if you still had my brother's phone number, please try to call me back" click. Treadstone
Jodie Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Did you grieve the loss of this relationship, or did you just decide whatever and went on. I think with any loss if you don't mourn it, it will come back at you 10 fold.
Amour77 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Wow, Treadstone, I can only understand where you are coming from. I know how hard it is. I hate my ex too for what she did (cheating too), yet I still love her.... Why? I don't know. How stupid! I don't know why we feel like this. I suppose we kinda forget what really happened lately and only remember happy times and all the good things done as a couple + the life project we had with the ex partner... You lose their physical and mental presence, but you also lose the fantasy of living with them for the rest of your life....The dream turns into a nightmare and you want to go back to the dream. Seriously, look at your situation closely.... I remember from previous threads you do not want to hear about her, but you have to admit you still think about her a lot. She seems to be contacting you a lot... Do you think you could sort out something with her?
Author Treadstone Posted October 14, 2006 Author Posted October 14, 2006 Yea, she's been contacting me quite persistently - almost every other day to be precise. i do not know what her intentions are neither do I wish to speculate. There'd been times when i wish she will miss me and want to come back so that I'll pay her back in her own coin. Other times I just want to wish her out of my life. Her reasons for calling or leaving a message are always flimsy. Yesterday for instance, she wanted to know her brother's phone number. She could've easily called her mum or sister instead to get it from them but she called my phone instead. If she miss me why wouldn't she call to say just that? She's the one who dumped me so I'll think it will be easier for her to let me know her feelings. What do you think? What goes through a "dumpers" mind if they miss the "dumpee" afterwards? How hard is it to say "sorry honey, i broke up with you but it was a lousy idea and now i miss you"? Treadstone
daphne Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 She's not going away because her ego is having a really hard time reconciling the fact that you let her go without a fight. Now she wants that reassurance. It's perfectly normal. However, her chasing after you and sedning you mixed messages is selfish bull****. You vacillating between missing her and never wanting to see her again is also normal. Ride it out. It'll go away in time. Whatever you do, don't mess with teh new girl's head if you think there's any chance of reconciliation. It's bad karma.
dr strangelove Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 First If dont wish to thing about her try siting on some ice cubes, while you are naked.. trust me she will be the last thing you think about. Now heres a fun thing to know. You are in an interesting position Because your ex cheated on you theoritically you can see her.. bang her brains out (which you know you want to do ) and see other women as well.. Well gee strangelove how does that work.. well see ahem "guilt complex factor" you can totally have fun with this.. next time she calls tell her something like "ya Ive got his number but I kind of misplaced it why dont you drop over and help me look... some bs like that. Yes her phone message was BS for sure.. I think line was used extensively back in the 70s.. Bon apetit or ap-e-TIT
InLimbo2 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I read the whole thread - and recall part of the story. Why are you feeling like this suddenly? It's a small relapse - plain and simple. You'll be fine - then relapse without warning. The good news is that it will be shorter lived and less painful - as long as you don't give in to the craving for contact. And they will become less intense and fewer and farther between. That you aren't over a 2 year relationship in a month says good things about you - not bad. Why is she doing this? Cuz it's all about HER - and she's not thinking about what's best for you. My most recent ex - the one that really brought me to LS in first place - did this for MONTHS after we split - and the whole relationship really - it was always very rocky - he pulled me/pushed me. I actually dumped him finally - tho we went back and forth - because he couldn't make a committment to me. But he wasn't willing to let me go for a long time - I was his anchor - the one person that was always there for him. He'd dress it up as "let's be friends, I don't want to lose our friendship" - blah blah blah - it was his way of keeping his hooks in me - while doing his own thing still. He was (and as far as I know still is) very emotionally unhealthy - and his life is guided by his terror of being alone. I spent some time alone recovering - built a life for ME that didn't include him - or any man. He's with someone else now - I know her - I *like* her - and he's her cross to bear in life now - and I hear from mutual friends that he's 'sucking the life outta her" now like he did me. I was a total emotional wreck - when we split - and the months of back and forth. Save yourself - if you are able - the emotional wreckage of the back and forth. I tried to make it work - then I tried to be friends (we travel in some of the same circles) - finally I just cut off all contact. And yes - eventually - I could be in the same place at the same time as him and not even acknowlege his existence because he's not the kind of person I want anything to do with. After I healed about 6 months - I was healthy and complete - and I met a fantastic guy - he's not perfect, but he's perfect for me - and he's totally emotionally healthy. There IS life after a failed relationship - the pain and turmoil will pass - and you will be stronger and better out the other side - as long as during this time you look out for yourself first and foremost - do what's best for YOU. Good luck
Author Treadstone Posted October 15, 2006 Author Posted October 15, 2006 Dr. Strangelove, your ice cube idea wasn't bad at all. Gee whiz, how did you come up with that? Daphne said "She's not going away because her ego is having a really hard time reconciling the fact that I let her go without a fight. Now she wants that reassurance". Inlimbo also think "it's all about HER - and she's not thinking about what's best for me". I find these ideas quite interesting. Could she be deliberately doing this to hurt me i.e orchestrating this to fully knock me out? Or could it be something that's in the unconcious mind that allow "dumpers" to behave like this towards the "dumpee". Why in heavens name would you want someone to come fighting for your return if you left them? Wouldn't it rather be easier for the dumper to clear their conscience if the dumpee moved on right away? Is there a chance that she might be wanting to come back after only a month even though she's with someone else? I feel the more I know about these the better prepared I'll be to counteract her. All comments and ideas are welcome. Treadstone
Amour77 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 I find these ideas quite interesting. Treadstone As was said, she just might be thinking about herself and do things that suit her, totally ignoring your feelings. Keep on ignoring her if you feel that is what she is up to.
InLimbo2 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 You are looking for logical rational reasons for her behavior - and there aren't any - at least none that are going to make you feel better. Stop - because you will just twist yourself up. She may not be doing it conciously - who knows - the fact is she's doing it. With men - it's kinda like a dog (don't take offense guys) - he's peed in that corner of the yard, and even if he never goes there again - he doesn't want anyone else peeing there - his turf. With this woman - it's probably an ego bruise that you *appear* to have gotten over her and aren't begging her to take you back. Your question of 'maybe she wants to come back" - do not do this to yourself. Been there, done that - you'll analyze to death every word, every tiny move, every fart in the wind - don't. If she wants you back - she'll walk through fire to do so. If you are hearing anything other than "I'm sorry, I was stupid, I want you back and I'll do whatever it takes to accomplish that" then you will just tear yourself up. Go back to no contact and heal yourself. Rememeber - there is no alliance there anymore - you are not a team - you are a not a couple - make YOU your priority - to heal and be the best person you can be. Dr. Strangelove, your ice cube idea wasn't bad at all. Gee whiz, how did you come up with that? Daphne said "She's not going away because her ego is having a really hard time reconciling the fact that I let her go without a fight. Now she wants that reassurance". Inlimbo also think "it's all about HER - and she's not thinking about what's best for me". I find these ideas quite interesting. Could she be deliberately doing this to hurt me i.e orchestrating this to fully knock me out? Or could it be something that's in the unconcious mind that allow "dumpers" to behave like this towards the "dumpee". Why in heavens name would you want someone to come fighting for your return if you left them? Wouldn't it rather be easier for the dumper to clear their conscience if the dumpee moved on right away? Is there a chance that she might be wanting to come back after only a month even though she's with someone else? I feel the more I know about these the better prepared I'll be to counteract her. All comments and ideas are welcome. Treadstone
Author Treadstone Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 Hmm, I wonder how one escapes from the prison of his own mind? How does one control his/her mind when your mind is the one controlling your actions? Pretty tricky! Treadstone.
Kamille Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Hmm, I wonder how one escapes from the prison of his own mind? How does one control his/her mind when your mind is the one controlling your actions? Pretty tricky! Treadstone. Well said!
Author Treadstone Posted October 16, 2006 Author Posted October 16, 2006 I think someone ought to start a new thread on these questions? Anyone agree? Let's do it. What are your opinions?
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