She came crying!

[Rooster_DAR]

She came back from working out of state for four months, and was a totally different person. She slept in other rooms, quit wearing my engagment ring, and dissapeared almost completely on an emotional level. Due to some of the evidence I was finding, and the gut instincts I was having I presumed she was falling into an affair/cheating. Things fell apart quickly and I wound up occupying the spare bedroom in the house while we were contemplating separation.

 

Some nights, in the middle of the night she would come to my room crying terribly, and I didn't understand this. During the day she was distant and saying things like we are not a couple anymore, and I'm not in love with you. But these crying episodes in the middle of the night were very confusing to me. She would lay by me in the bed at 3:00 in the morning and stare at me and just cry to no end. All I did was hold her, and comfort her without any questions.

 

She called from a business trip late one night crying saying, "I can't keep doing this to you", and she would never said what "this" was. Eventually the rollercoaster tooks it's toll and I moved out, things finally ended after lot's of miscommunication. I guess I never got to say goodbye or there was never any certainty as to why things fell apart.

 

I guess I took the crying as her way of letting some kind of guilt out, and possibly her letting go of the relationship.

 

Thanks for listening,

 

Regards,

 

P.S. My common sense tells me what really happened, but I guess sometimes I want to hear other peoples take on it.

[D-Lish]

Break ups are all so confusing. Perhaps, there were feelings of guilt involved. Perhaps she was cheating, or considering it. Sometimes I think it's best not to know for our own sake!

 

Most assuredly, she felt love for you- hence the confusing crying in the middle of the night when one is sleepy, and perhaps more vulnerable and prone to emoting.

 

Did you ask her what was going on in her head? Or was she guarded about those kinds of questions?

 

When my ex husband and I split after 7 years, we had many a night of just holding each other crying. We were dependant on one another- but just not in the same place anymore. Fortunately for us, we had the opportunity to talk things out thoroughly- so we both left the relationship with a feeling of closure.

 

My last relationship- there was no closure. Only one bout of hostility and lots of unanswered questions on my end- and then straight to NC. I think that is worse than having an understanding and the opportunity to work through things together.

 

Regardless of her motivations or possible indiscretions- it's obvious there was guilt and confusion involved. And what that means is that she still had fond feelings for you at the time of the break up. Nobody cries and comes to your arms if they 100% sure of their decision.

 

The only thing wondering if an ex cheated can do now is cause you further pain. You have been through enough already without contemplating if that was actually the case.

 

D

[Tormented]

Rooster...is it possible that she suffers from a chemical imbalance, like Bipolar Disorder, for instance?

 

I ask because the symptoms you describe fits criteria and disorders such as this peeks at night.

 

Just a thought?

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

Rooster...is it possible that she suffers from a chemical imbalance, like Bipolar Disorder, for instance?

 

I ask because the symptoms you describe fits criteria and disorders such as this peeks at night.

 

Just a thought?

 

~T~

 

Before she returned home from working out of state, she said she was going through depressions again. She would call me in the middle of the night crying, and saying things like "I want to drive my car off a cliff". I tried to get her to come back home so we get get her some help, but she wound up volunteering herself to stay longer. A lot of times I would call to check on her, and she would be out at a bar or the beach with her co-workers (the guy I found out she is text messaging with) which kind of bothered me. She has a history of severe depression and has been on medication for it.

 

She came to visit a month before she was supposed to return home, and one night I tried to intiate sex and she got very pissed off at me. She told me that I needed to back off, and I thought I should as well cause the depression thing. But when she did get back, she kept up the text messaging contantly, and I was left feeling out of the picure and neglected. When I would express my concern, I would be made ou to look like an assho**.

 

Also, when she returned we went shopping a few weekends and dropped a good amount of money for antiques for our new home. She also bought a book about how to read love signs in a relationship, I guess since there were so many problems. A couple of days later she would be distant again, text messaging and saying were not a couple anymore. The whole thing was ripping me apart and I just could not do it anymore.

 

I finally found out she was renting expensive hotels, requesting a king size bed for two and lying to me about it. When I confronted her, she said she didn't want me to be upset and gave a really lame excuse that she didn't want to fight traffic to get to work in the morning so she booked the Marriot (This is absurd, our home is closer than the hotel).

 

Anyway, the story is far to long to keep going. Thanks for listening.

 

Cheers!

[db75]

Hey Rooster,

 

I can relate to some of what you're saying about your ex and depression. My ex had some unresolved issues from her past and had started going to therapy about a year before we parted ways. The depression would come in waves. A couple months good...a month or so bad. I know that the depression itself added to our break-up despite however supportive I was to her about it. It simply wasn't something I could fix....only she could.

 

I can understand to how you feel things are still sorta unresolved. I kinda feel the same. I accept the fact that she and I are over, but for the life of me, I'm still struggling to try to figure out exactly why. I don't think I'll ever really know.

 

I don't know if your ex was unfaithful to you or not. Probably best you never know at this point...but I know that pain all to well my friend. I'll give my most recent ex some credit...she never strayed. Can't say that for some of the others. It's hurts like mad and makes you sick.

 

I can also understand your just feeling tired of it all. That's the point I had come to with my ex. On two prior occasions she tried to go. The first time we talked it out and she decided to stay. The second time I told her I'd like her to stay, but I wouldn't stand in her way(this was back in March). She decided to stay. I made my mind up right then, "if this happens again, I have to let her go for my own happiness."

 

And of course it happend again. She simply said after returning from a month long trip to Spain..."I don't belong here." My reply "no...you don't...and neither do I."

 

I was just so tired. I loved her so much, but what could I do. I was miserable and lonely with her. There's a song that the group Sawyer Brown covered a few years back called "This Night Won't Last Forever" It's got a great line in it that basically sums it all up for me and many of us I feel. The line goes..."I'd rather be lonesome all alone."

 

So anyway Rooster, I don't know if any of this is helpful to you or not, but like I said, I can relate to some of what you're going through.

 

Hang in there brother. It will get better for us all eventually.

[Amour77]

Hi Rooster,

 

Sorry for saying it like this, but I think she cheated on you. That is only opinion, but with your description of the events, that is what I think (you know my background, so maybe I am not the best adviser).

 

However, you should not feel bad about it.

 

She seemed very confused and probably still loved you.... One does not act like she did if not in love.

 

The thing is, you can't go on like this and you need to let go. If she does not know what she wants, you can't reason her. She has to find the answer to her doubts and confusion within herself. You can't do anything about it. You have been supportive, you have tried to sort things out, but it did not work. You did all you could!

 

However, there might be one answer to all that (only my opinion and I am no expert): After cheating on you, she may have felt so bad that she thought that if she was letting you know, you would never take her back (fear of rejection). To make things worse, she kept cheating on you to "punish" herself, have a guy to help her cope, and to keep you away even more.

 

Keep your chin up!

[Ruff Ryder]

Ahhhhh mate what can I tell you? I wish it never happened that way. Same sort of thing happened to me for about 6 months. I know its confusing and hurts like hell...

 

Your mind races in every single direction ans paces up and down, I really dont know what top tell you mate. Some things are better left alone than to understand is all that I can say. Youve done the right thing here.

 

i cant judge her and say she was doing anything casue I dont know. But i can tell you keep strong and move foward and you will be all good.

 

All the best I know its not nice at all.

 

Take it easy

[Rooster_DAR]

Thanks for you responses, and I agree with all of you. I have been doing well lately, the first month was total hell. I know she crossed the line, you just know things like that and it hits you deep inside your gut. I also know she does love me. After I left she would text message me in the middle of the night say "Darwin I miss you so much". She would also send messages asking why we can't be friends, and "one never knows what the future will hold".

 

True, I think she knows she did something she told herself she would never do and felt terribly guilty about it. Perhaps she loved me enough to let me go cause she knows I deserve better than that. I still lover her, I hope she figures it all out someday and does not do this to the next love in her life.

I still have major resentment for not being honest, and ending the relationship without dragging me through tons of mud.

 

Regards,

[burning 4 revenge]

Was Darwin her pet name for you? That sounds pretty cool.

 

I keep trying to convince the girls I date to call me Bertrand Russell, but it never sticks

[Rooster_DAR]

That's my real name, but it would be a good pet name too.

[Ruff Ryder]

hahahahah pet name....

 

Its all good mate just wish her best and look after you.

[Josalina]

u deserve better darwin.

[Guest]

Yeah Darwin, I don't think that that kind of dishonesty (because let's face it, she ABSOLUTELY cheated on you) ever leaves a person.

 

It's not even really whether the person is doing it or not, it's whether the person has the capacity to do it and to lie about it. She has already demonstrated this to you.

 

Although you may be giving her points for crying and feeling guilty about it, don't. It probably makes her feel much better to think that she has some sort of conscience and these crying episodes are a nice emotional release for her to convince herself she's not all that bad. Because if it were that big a deal to her, she'd stop schlonging the other guy.

 

Do you have a penis? Check.

A job? Check.

Emotional maturity and experience with relationships? Check.

A new understanding of what makes a relationship work? Check.

 

That's it, man. You're ready to hunt and bag a hotter, younger girl.

[Tormented]

Also, when she returned we went shopping a few weekends and dropped a good amount of money for antiques for our new home. She also bought a book about how to read love signs in a relationship, I guess since there were so many problems. A couple of days later she would be distant again, text messaging and saying were not a couple anymore. The whole thing was ripping me apart and I just could not do it anymore.

 

You know, Rooster, the more you describe her behavior, the more I'm leaning toward Borderline Personality. If you haven't researched this disorder, you should. Of course, discovering WHY she she did what she did doesn't prevent the pain you feel, but it DOES answer many of the "whys" and gives you some peace that it honestly wasn't YOU that caused her behavior(s). Not to mention that knowing the signs/symptoms of borderlines will arm you against getting involved with another one in the future, because there seems to be a lot of them out there! These women are like emotional vampires and should be avoided at all cost!

 

The depression you describe is common for borderlines. There is a good book on this disorder called..."I hate you, don't leave me." The title alone is an excellent description of the perpetual turmoil these women are in. They tend to have a poor impulse control which explains their bizarre behavior of pulling you near only to push you away just as quickly. It's a HORRIBLE experience for the victim who loves them. Lots of pain, lots of drama...nonstop.

 

I know you're already aware of this, but your breakup with her just may have saved your sanity and well-being in the long run.

 

God pity her next victim! And thank God it is no longer you!

 

Chin up, Rooster. You are now free to find a love that will ENHANCE your life instead of hampering it.

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

Yup, should I have stayed longer I would of wound up in a nuthouse. The whole thing had so many ups and downs that I was as confused as she was. I will look into the disorder and the book, at the very least I gain an understanding of BPO.

 

Cheers!

 

Thanks Josalina!

[Island Girl]

You do seem to have a very level head. Seriously - not many men could have handled what you did the way that you did.

 

I know you said it could've ended quicker without the mud-dragging but being that you were engaged to her and loved her - I don't think you could've ended it faster.

 

And as for her, well, I know she knew she had a "good one" and she found it hard to let go. Selfish - yes. But after reading posts you write and how you think about things, jiminy-Christmas she's never gonna find another one in a million.

 

You may have your own issues, etc. but finding someone who will hold you when you cry, be supportive of you, and try to be understanding without screaming, throwing things, -- and yet be so MANLY (my take anyway)

 

Well - men like you are few and far between. I snatched mine up and married him forever. But I was 32 when we met...so I had time to grow up, go out with lots that weren't like that, and appreciate him.

 

You'll meet yours.

[Tormented]

I will look into the disorder and the book, at the very least I gain an understanding of BPO.

 

 

I think you'll be amazed with what you find, Rooster. A light bulb will blink on and you'll find yourself saying....THAT'S WHY SHE DID THIS OR THAT!"

 

Again, I will say that it won't completely erase your pain, but becoming aware as to WHY she acted the way she did will put your "whys" at ease...which can only serve to help in your healing process.

 

Also, bear in mind that there are still MANY women out there who DO know what they want and won't flip-flop like a fish out of water with their emotions. So have faith...you'll find one!

 

~T~

[Rooster_DAR]

Thanks for the replies you guys.

 

I just want to come out of this thing without letting anger get the best of me so I don't wind up screwing up with the next woman that comes around. I've have had several dates since then, but mostly turn them down due to my wanting to be by myself for a while. Speaking of, I have been practicing doing everytyhing on my own, and crap it takes some getting used to. I am getting to the point now where I can do just about anything by myself, and be content with just that.

 

Regards,

[Josalina]

was she scared of commitment darwin? as she sound a little scared to me causing her to feel messed up.

as from a womans point of view, if you are scared to stay with the man you love, there is a problem, causing her to feel confused and acting in this way.

was she abused as a child or have unfinished business with her childhood, you don't have to answer this on here, just keep it in mind. as that could mess up a future relationship mentally.

 

she draws you in, because she either wants to or thinks she should, you get to close, she gets scared and then wame bame thanku mame she is backing of again because she doesn't know how to handle it.

 

causing her to:

a) be up in the night upset and confused with her feelings and a primary source for being up at night is worry, causing her to seek reasurance from the one person she trusts, then waking up in the morning even more confused because she has made an idiot out of herself messing you about, she apologises for treating you like it bcos she didn't know how to stop it, it scared her and without realising it she backed away more.

 

b) she gives mixed signals one minute she loves you the next she don't wanna know, all trades of being scared of commitment.

 

c) she don't wanna lose you but the damage is done and without communication noone knows where they stand, causing friction and reason to question a possible split.

 

d) the more she does it the more she can see it is upseting you, women like men hate to be upseting there partners for no reason, only she can see the reason but don't know how to control it.

 

e) she has lost you.

just in interest how did she act when u left?

[Rooster_DAR]

was she scared of commitment darwin? as she sound a little scared to me causing her to feel messed up.

as from a womans point of view, if you are scared to stay with the man you love, there is a problem, causing her to feel confused and acting in this way.

was she abused as a child or have unfinished business with her childhood, you don't have to answer this on here, just keep it in mind. as that could mess up a future relationship mentally.

 

she draws you in, because she either wants to or thinks she should, you get to close, she gets scared and then wame bame thanku mame she is backing of again because she doesn't know how to handle it.

 

causing her to:

a) be up in the night upset and confused with her feelings and a primary source for being up at night is worry, causing her to seek reasurance from the one person she trusts, then waking up in the morning even more confused because she has made an idiot out of herself messing you about, she apologises for treating you like it bcos she didn't know how to stop it, it scared her and without realising it she backed away more.

 

b) she gives mixed signals one minute she loves you the next she don't wanna know, all trades of being scared of commitment.

 

c) she don't wanna lose you but the damage is done and without communication noone knows where they stand, causing friction and reason to question a possible split.

 

d) the more she does it the more she can see it is upseting you, women like men hate to be upseting there partners for no reason, only she can see the reason but don't know how to control it.

 

e) she has lost you.

just in interest how did she act when u left?

 

She was sexually abused by her fathers friends when she was a child. I brought this up in counseling when we went a while back, but when the counselor asked her if she had any problems when she was a child, she told the counselor no. I don't understand why she didn't bring it up. When I finally moved out, I came home to get the rest of my stuff and she said she didn't understand why it had to be so permanent. She was on the couch crying watching the first movie we saw together and tried holding my hand (acting opposite of what she did the previous day). She kept sending me text messages saying, "I love you but I can't give you what you want right now" and "Why are we not able to be friends, we don't know what the future holds".

 

Very mixed up messages that I couldn't understand.

[Amour77]

I dated a girl who I think had been abused when she was a kid.....

 

She was very strong, would not show a single emotion, no tears, nothing.... She had an unbelievable hate for the man who had done it

 

However, she was very fragile inside if you were scraping under the surface.

 

Not easy to deal with, to say the least.... You need a lot of patience.

[Josalina]

well her watching your first movie together tells me she she wants you both to go back to how you were.

she has made herself unbearable to be with because she can't control her feelings and as she was abused i can kind of see y, but however she should issue her problems by addressing them and by blowing hot and cold with you is the worse thing she could of done.

so at least u know darwin there was nothing you can do and this experience was done for a reason, she knows what it it, she isn't stupid and i am positive that is y you split.

if the truth was known she knows she couldn't give you what u wanted, and by the sounds of it you have been the best bf you could be, she knows this because she wanted to stay friends with you in case she couldn't find anyone else to put up with her.

 

i can tell you know if you had stayed friends she wanted she would have left it a few months then got in contact again saying either she is sorry and wants another chance or she has changed. the saddest thing is when someone has been abused they can't change on there own, she should have spoke this through with a professional as if not this will haunt her.

take heart that without help she would not have changed so i think u have done the right thing, and the reason she never told the professional about it is because she doesn't want to bring it back, she thinks by not talking about it will make her forget it. its sad as she knows this has ruined a perfectly wonderful relationship with a man that truely cared and her being scared of the commitment through fears has led her to losing the one man she trusted.

u have done the right thing darwin, do not think for one min u are to blame because you are not. for you it was like living with someone who is polietly messed up. she can't help it but she can't go on treating you like that.

u don't need stress and worry in a relationship, move on and learn from the past.

hope this helps.

[db75]

Thanks for the replies you guys.

 

I just want to come out of this thing without letting anger get the best of me so I don't wind up screwing up with the next woman that comes around. I've have had several dates since then, but mostly turn them down due to my wanting to be by myself for a while. Speaking of, I have been practicing doing everytyhing on my own, and crap it takes some getting used to. I am getting to the point now where I can do just about anything by myself, and be content with just that.

 

Regards,

 

You and I are truly on the same page Rooster. Had an opportunity for a date recently as well. Just wasn't ready...need more me time. Yeah, and doing stuff alone can suck big time. I'm getting used to it as well. The few friends I have are all currently attached, so they don't have much time to give to their one single friend. Sometimes it gets to me though. For example, I went clothes shopping over the weekend and when I came out of the store and got in my car I just kinda broke down right there like a big ol' sobbin' baby. I was just overwhelmed. You can feel so damn lonely and lost sometimes without that person there. My ex was always by my side, wherever we went. So it's an enourmous adjustment doing even the simplest of things alone. Just feels so strange not having her with me. I'm getting used to flying solo. In time I'm hoping I might even come to actually like it.

 

Hang in there Rooster.

[Rooster_DAR]

You and I are truly on the same page Rooster. Had an opportunity for a date recently as well. Just wasn't ready...need more me time. Yeah, and doing stuff alone can suck big time. I'm getting used to it as well. The few friends I have are all currently attached, so they don't have much time to give to their one single friend. Sometimes it gets to me though. For example, I went clothes shopping over the weekend and when I came out of the store and got in my car I just kinda broke down right there like a big ol' sobbin' baby. I was just overwhelmed. You can feel so damn lonely and lost sometimes without that person there. My ex was always by my side, wherever we went. So it's an enourmous adjustment doing even the simplest of things alone. Just feels so strange not having her with me. I'm getting used to flying solo. In time I'm hoping I might even come to actually like it.

 

Hang in there Rooster.

 

Yup, me too. I have moments of terrible loneliness and missing her, but at least they are not as often. That's the feeling I want get over, I don't like that feeling when it takes me over, I feel out of control with my emotions.

 

Too sad.

[db75]

Yup, me too. I have moments of terrible loneliness and missing her, but at least they are not as often. That's the feeling I want get over, I don't like that feeling when it takes me over, I feel out of control with my emotions.

 

Too sad.

 

Amen to that. That's what I really need for myself as well. I've been through several break-ups, this one is so different, so damn consuming. I want to feel like I'm driving my life right now and not the ghosts of the past.

 

But yeah, it hurts like a MF'er when it comes over you. It'll pass eventually though. ****, I think I'd rather take a singapore cane to the back a few times instead of that feeling when the memories of the ex hit you.