should i just settle?

[BlueEyedGirl]

Noos,

If we defend "not settling" so much that must mean we are just not ready to settle. I have worked that out.

 

And whoever said about low sex drive, mine is quite normal thank you very much. I just don't enjoy casual sex, or sex with someone I have no feelings for. I prefer to take care of my uhm needs myself.

 

And yes I have tried few dates thing so many times that I have lost count. Not once have I developed any sort of attraction towards a guy I had no attraction for in the first place. Few dates don't change anything. I cry myself to sleep after every date like that. Each one makes me feel emptier and emptier. Since working that out, I just don't bother with guys I'm not interested in.

 

Also I would happily settle for mild attraction, however there is noone I feel that for at the moment that is available or interested in me.

[Guest]

joise54 I think you are placing too much empathies on the 'IT' factor (maybe)..

 

What is the IT that you are looking for with this guy, the butterflies, the ache of missing him when he's not there, the always wanting to be near him/touch him? I think these things come and go, butterflies don't (unfortunately) last forever. If you live with someone the ache of them not being there can be replaced with relief for some space and time alone, though you still miss them. Relationships grow and change over 9 years, lust moves out replaced by something else stronger/with more depth - like loving your family even though sometimes you'd like to kill them and pretend you're not related.

 

Though i do think there are serveral questions you can ask yourself (someone else wrote something similar in a different thread). If you were lying in hospital who would you want around you? If you absolutely needed help with something is he the person you would turn to? If you were 10 years down the track sitting on the couch would you want him sitting next to you?

 

I have to say from the opposite side of the fence waiting for someone to make up their mind is like being in a continual hold pattern waiting for the plane to land. It's difficult to get your own life and feelings off the ground because you have no stable base to move from. I'm amazed that he has lasted 9 years with this. I got through 6 months - my long term BF wasn't sure he wanted to be with me or not and couldn't decide... I made the decision for him and left. (as he didn't chase me I guess i have my answer).

 

In terms of 2 lives being tangled together - true... but it aint really fair and 9 years is still less than 20.

 

In terms of settling - NO i don't think you should settle... even though it may be tempting (I'm 32 I know what you mean and hear the tick tick tick too but want to be with someone who I love and makes me want to be a better person etc).

 

However I don't think that people come with big neon signs attached saying 'THIS IS THE ONE' and you've got to at some stage take a chance a leap of faith and say.... 'with all my issues, baggage, concerns, worries and fears I want to give this a go, who knows if it will work out but hell I've got to try, I will give it my all' and if both people do this equally then welll you have a relationship that is going to last.

[josie54]

In terms of 2 lives being tangled together - true... but it aint really fair and 9 years is still less than 20.

 

A few years ago, I said to him, "Look I can't make up my mind. I know I'm just sucking up years of your life with my indecisiveness. I know you want kids. You really may need to move on." And he told me no, that he was happy with me and willing to wait. I said it a couple more times, but realized that he was seeing it through to the end.

 

I know, that was about as cowardly as it gets. But I AM a coward. I often hear people who criticize those who "don't have the guts" to end a relationship. But that's the problem--I DON'T have the guts to do it. I just imagine how he'd feel and how I'd feel, and I work myself into a crying fit of depression.

 

But you're right though--we're just coming up on the 9-year anniversary of our relationship this month, and I know I can't let it get to 10 without some sort of resolution. (Although last year, I said that I knew I couldn't let it get to 9, and here we are.)

 

I guess for me, "settling" means getting married and just not being sure it's the right thing to do, not being sure that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Everyone else says, "you just know, and if you don't know don't do it." So, then I think, "OK, that decides it. I have to break it off." But then I actually imagine breaking it off and not seeing him again, and I'm devastated for both of us, and I think, "Oh my goodness, I just can't do that."

 

Repeat that thought loop for about 7 years. That's where I've been.

 

So, Noos, that's where I came up with the criteria I had. I'm NOT strong enough to avoid those last three factors, and I'm stuck! I definitely don't want that for you.

[bella_girl]

Josie54 - I'm really interested in your thoughts/decision. Because well I was on the other side of it (guest before - forgot to log in) and it helps me work out my ex - I wasn't like your partner I didn't wait...

 

So does settling for you sound like the end of life? That it will all get boring? Or is it more 'him' that is the issue? What is at the heart of the issue? him or the settling down? is it a case of thinking there might be someone better?

 

I know that everyone says 'you'll just know' but I don't really think that's true. (ie no neon signs and I don't think it hits you one day).

 

From speaking to friends and family about did they know they came back with 'no, but you've got to give it a go.' That's when I basically decided that hell I don't know if I'm going to be with this person for the rest of my life but I'm willing to give it a shot, I love them, enjoy their company, have similar values, I value their opinion etc etc... so what stops them/me? (in this case it was him, your case - you).

 

Yes I was (still am) devasted.. but I couldn't stay in the holding pattern for ever.

 

Don't they say that love is not the person you can imagine being with but the person you can't imagine being without? If you can't handle the idea of him not being in your life then perhaps this is you and you just haven't accepted the idea?

[josie54]

Ah, but "giving it a go" can so easily lead to divorce. And that's one thing I never want to be--divorced.

 

Bella, I'm not sure of your ex's exact motivations, but if he's anything like me, he simply didn't want to screw things up. Marriage is such a big deal--"For life" supposedly--that entering into it feeling so uncertain just seems too irresponsible. And while some may say marriage is reversible, children just aren't. And I don't know whether I want kids, biological, adopted or otherwise. And he knows he does. Once you have kids, there's no going back.

 

Then there's the other's heart (yours, my partner's) to think of. We should just be able to be honest with ourselves and let the other one go. I don't for a moment flatter myself that he "wouldn't be able to go on without me." He can and would. However, I do know that it would be so devastating to him, and the thought of doing that to another human being just makes me sick inside. And then there's the part of me that thinks that he IS so good to me, why can't I just be happy and marry him? And then I stay and stay and stay, but I don't clinch the deal.

 

I often find myself wishing that he weren't so good. If there were just some conflict or incompatibility that I could point to and say, "This is why it just won't work," I'd be able to see things more clearly and act more decisively. I want to be able to give him a REASON. As it is, I'm going to have to either marry him with misgivings that I cannot explain or leave him for no good reason that I can give him.

 

Heart and mind are definitely at war. "Listen to your gut," people say. The thought of either decision makes me sick to my stomach. I guess it's better to be sick to my stomach single than sick to my stomach divorced with kids, but that thought doesn't make it any easier.

 

I hope that helps give some possible insight to your ex's state of mind! I'm going to try to keep the "settle" word out of it, and just hope that clarity eventually comes. I think the answer is just to talk this out with my partner and see what he has to say (though we tried this once and it ended with us both in tears! But we need to try again.)

 

P.S. I think I've officially hijacked this thread. My apologies to Noos. If it continues, I'll start it up under another heading....

[rochskier]

Hi josie,

 

I'm reading your posts and I find myself in a situation very similar to yours. I've been with my better half about 2.5 years now, engaged for 1, and I am also feeling very deep uncertainties if this is really what I want to do with my life.

 

I know exactly what you mean about not crushing the other person. My mate is also very good and kind to me, and she seems able to tolerate most of my personality quirks. Sometimes I wonder if she could go on without me, but other times we argue and it seems like the reconciliation is too rapid to be natural.

 

I also know exactly what you mean when you wish you had a reason to point to end things. This will sound horribly shallow, but the closest I've been able to get is my partner's ankle and leg problems. I value my physical fitness and an active lifestyle, and I would really like to have a wife I can share these things with.

 

Her issues are chronic, and they affect her just walking around. This gives me pause because I would really like to spend my life with someone who can possibly go dancing, cycling, jogging, skiing, or climbing with me. She says she will generally let me "do my thing" when I want to, but that gives me pause.

 

I feel like it could be an eventual source of resentment, and I'm frightened that I'm more likely to falter if I meet a woman during one of these activities that I value. Someone who shares these passions is likely to be highly attractive to me.

 

My gut says 'move on' and find someone with similar passions, but my guilt over crushing her heart and my reason recalling that she is intelligent, educated, easy to get along with, has goals, is even-tempered, and would probably make a good mother always stop me.

 

So I just don't know what to do either. I guess it's mostly my fault for not being able to accept what I've got and constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I wish I could stop wanting to go find out if that is really true and love the one I'm with.

 

Ah, but "giving it a go" can so easily lead to divorce. And that's one thing I never want to be--divorced.

 

Bella, I'm not sure of your ex's exact motivations, but if he's anything like me, he simply didn't want to screw things up. Marriage is such a big deal--"For life" supposedly--that entering into it feeling so uncertain just seems too irresponsible. And while some may say marriage is reversible, children just aren't. And I don't know whether I want kids, biological, adopted or otherwise. And he knows he does. Once you have kids, there's no going back.

 

Then there's the other's heart (yours, my partner's) to think of. We should just be able to be honest with ourselves and let the other one go. I don't for a moment flatter myself that he "wouldn't be able to go on without me." He can and would. However, I do know that it would be so devastating to him, and the thought of doing that to another human being just makes me sick inside. And then there's the part of me that thinks that he IS so good to me, why can't I just be happy and marry him? And then I stay and stay and stay, but I don't clinch the deal.

 

I often find myself wishing that he weren't so good. If there were just some conflict or incompatibility that I could point to and say, "This is why it just won't work," I'd be able to see things more clearly and act more decisively. I want to be able to give him a REASON. As it is, I'm going to have to either marry him with misgivings that I cannot explain or leave him for no good reason that I can give him.

 

Heart and mind are definitely at war. "Listen to your gut," people say. The thought of either decision makes me sick to my stomach. I guess it's better to be sick to my stomach single than sick to my stomach divorced with kids, but that thought doesn't make it any easier.

 

I hope that helps give some possible insight to your ex's state of mind! I'm going to try to keep the "settle" word out of it, and just hope that clarity eventually comes. I think the answer is just to talk this out with my partner and see what he has to say (though we tried this once and it ended with us both in tears! But we need to try again.)

 

P.S. I think I've officially hijacked this thread. My apologies to Noos. If it continues, I'll start it up under another heading....

[josie54]

Well Josie, you solved it for me with your criteria. I can never settle - it's better for me to be alone.

And to peole who say, you have family and friends etc - yes, I do - but I will never be their first priority like I would be in an intimate relationship - they will always attend to their own family's needs first. Plus, I don't like leaning on people because I don't want to be a burden - they find it inconvenient.

 

 

Noos, I meant to comment on your last post--never think of yourself as a burden to anyone. If you develop the right relationships and create a support network of friends and family (where the support is give AND take), you'll be fine whether you're single or not. An active network of friends, and an active sense of self-worth, can be exactly what any single guy or girl needs to know they don't need a significant other to be "complete."

[josie54]

My gut says 'move on' and find someone with similar passions, but my guilt over crushing her heart and my reason recalling that she is intelligent, educated, easy to get along with, has goals, is even-tempered, and would probably make a good mother always stop me.

 

So I just don't know what to do either. I guess it's mostly my fault for not being able to accept what I've got and constantly thinking that the grass is greener on the other side. I wish I could stop wanting to go find out if that is really true and love the one I'm with.

 

Rochskier, I think we should start our own support group! I think there are more of us out there than the "love culture" would care to recognize.

 

Sometimes, I think it's not fair of me to stay with my fiance because I don't feel that "butterflies" love that Lynn&Troy describes above. Then I think, with all of the misery out there, why should I give up a good thing, even if it's not great, according to the dream of love that everyone has? Perhaps everyone doesn't get that certain happiness that so many people yearn for.

 

And it's not that I'm "scared to be alone." I actually don't mind being alone at all. It's just that I feel in my heart that if I was single, I would constantly be thinking of him, wondering if he's doing OK, and wishing I hadn't hurt him so much. And I think I WOULD miss him, even though I would also like being single. It's like, either way, we both lose.

 

When I look at my fiance, I see everything I think I SHOULD love. Like you, the things I don't love are so small as to be petty--he stays in a job he doesn't like and it frustrates me that he doesn't look for something better. He doesn't show his emotions as much as I would like (and what man does?). That's about it. Other than that, he supports me, loves me, and cherishes my independence. We also share a lot of interests, including biking and rollerblading (although he's not so much into jogging and hiking!) as well as sports, movies, etc. You'd just think it ought to work!

 

I've also received the advice (from a counselor, actually) that I should suggest a "break" from him--one month, maybe two--to see if I missed him or if I felt relief at being alone. But I can't even bring it up with him, because I know that he would be hurt beyond anything. However, I also cannot get married to him unless I know for certain. I simply don't want to be divorced, ever.

 

It's just so tough. Although I'm sad that you're in my same boat, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is stuck between two impulses like this!

[rochskier]

Rochskier, I think we should start our own support group! I think there are more of us out there than the "love culture" would care to recognize.

 

Hi josie, I agree! I think there are a lot of people out there in relationships that they are deeply ambivalent about. I tried to read "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" and it didn't help me!

 

Sometimes, I think it's not fair of me to stay with my fiance because I don't feel that "butterflies" love that Lynn&Troy describes above. Then I think, with all of the misery out there, why should I give up a good thing, even if it's not great, according to the dream of love that everyone has? Perhaps everyone doesn't get that certain happiness that so many people yearn for.

 

Again, I know exactly how you feel about this! I'm not in the dreamlike love that you mentioned, but at the end of the day I can't think of anything particularly horrible about my relationship.

 

And it's not that I'm "scared to be alone." I actually don't mind being alone at all. It's just that I feel in my heart that if I was single, I would constantly be thinking of him, wondering if he's doing OK, and wishing I hadn't hurt him so much. And I think I WOULD miss him, even though I would also like being single. It's like, either way, we both lose.

 

I am also unafraid to be by myself, but I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm an only child. I tend to be very independent, and my happiness is not too dependent on my partner. I am not certain I would miss my partner as much as you would miss yours. I think it would be painful initially, but I think it would pass.

 

When I look at my fiance, I see everything I think I SHOULD love. Like you, the things I don't love are so small as to be petty--he stays in a job he doesn't like and it frustrates me that he doesn't look for something better. He doesn't show his emotions as much as I would like (and what man does?). That's about it. Other than that, he supports me, loves me, and cherishes my independence. We also share a lot of interests, including biking and rollerblading (although he's not so much into jogging and hiking!) as well as sports, movies, etc. You'd just think it ought to work!

 

Here I think we have some differences. I think I have a few more issues in my relationship that I'm having trouble accepting. One of the big ones is a lack of shared interests or "Recreational Companionship" as Marriage Builders puts it. She wants to go on the Vermont Cheese Tour, and I would rather go on a Vermont ski tour. I'd also like to have a girl that would like to go on the ski tour with me. I worry that going by myself on these types of excursions will breed resentment and trust issues. Taking my current partner is likely to make her miserable because she hasn't shown much interest in my activities. Yeah, I could stay home, but why should I give up my dreams? Am I supposed to enter some kind of living death because I'm in a relationship? I don't think that's very fair to me.

 

I've also received the advice (from a counselor, actually) that I should suggest a "break" from him--one month, maybe two--to see if I missed him or if I felt relief at being alone. But I can't even bring it up with him, because I know that he would be hurt beyond anything. However, I also cannot get married to him unless I know for certain. I simply don't want to be divorced, ever.

 

One item that really gives me pause is that I just went home for my 10th HS reunion over 3 days and 7 days of vacation following that. I was completely removed from my job and had very little contact with my partner. I tell you, that was the best 10 days I've had in a long time!!! Part of me thinks there is a larger lesson here, and part of me thinks it was just silly nostalgia. I wish I could figure it out!

 

It's just so tough. Although I'm sad that you're in my same boat, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who is stuck between two impulses like this!

 

Yeah, all I can say is hang in there! I actually just made an attempt to part ways with my partner, but I caved after literally watching her heart break. We spent the weekend together, and it was pretty good. I'm still not excited about the idea of moving in together at the end of the year. Mainly, I wish I could just stop wondering if this is the life for me!