should i just settle?

[Guest]

I have this problem that all the men I've ever been attracted to have been friends with me and used me for emotional support but then they meet a woman who looks like Pink Amulet - the hot blonde Aussie girl who was talking about fat people on the other thread - and date her, not me.

 

I have also been a "friend" to a guy I was really attracted to. He used me for emotional support and is now with some anorexic looking girl that is overly extroverted to the point where you just want to hit her over the head and shut her up. Needlesly to say, we don't talk anymore.

 

Yep. And your emotional support consists in listening to all the moaning and whining about how they've been done wrong by all these horrible women before. But let another one come along just like all the others who crushed them and off they'll go like a dogs after cars. And, like the dogs, they'll end up disappointed time and again.

 

So maybe if they're unable to figure out that they continually make bad choices when it comes to women, they're not that bright after all.

[Almost]

I

I alredy do far better than Supre - Alannah Hill, Veronika Maine, David Lawrence, Witchery and Country Road, pedicure, Chanel lipstick ...and they still choose the Supre girl.

 

Why is overt, blonde sexuality preferable to feminine, sultry elegance? Why?

 

If you are attracted to the guys who are attracted to the Supre girls then maybe those guys aren't so great after all?!

 

I guess my point is that these guys are attracted to a certain type; the blonde supre girls, just as you are attracted to a certain type.

 

Do you like the shy geeky computer nerd types at all? Many of them are overlooked and can't get a date and probably would appreciate a smart attractive gal like yourself.

 

 

I agree, it sounds like you are attracted to guys who aren't attracted to gals like you.

 

You're basically guilty of the very same thing you are complaining about!

 

You complain about the guys you like only liking blonde "Supre" girls. But I'm sure there are a lot of guys who find you attractive and are complaining that you only like the hot guys, whatever the guy equivalent to "supre" would be.

 

You should give guys in your own league a chance, they might surprise you. The problem is that everyone, both guys and gals, wants to date someone who is more attractive than they are, who is just a little bit out of their league.

 

I want that lustfull attraction and butterflies. I want to be swept off my feet.

 

This whole concept and idea about butterflies and being swept off your feet is only a few hundred years old at best.

 

In most countries and cultures, marriages were always arranged by the parents for political or buisiness purposes, or just because the parents thought it was best. No one felt lustful attraction and butterflies unless they were lucky. They either learned to love each other, or they didn't. But the point of marriage wasn't mainly about butterflies and lust and getting swept off your feet. Marriage was a business proposition in that in order to survive and prosper, you needed to have two people together to work well as a team, and have kids to help out with the farm work, and ensure the continued survival of the family, tribe, clan, whatever.

 

Even today in a lot of third world countries, kids are basically their version of social security, or old age pension. If you don't have kids and family to take care of you when you are old, you'll be out on the street begging. That's why they have so many kids, in order to assure that some of them live long enough and well enough to take care of them in their old age.

 

So this whole thing about marrying for love, lust, and butterflies is a relatively new and modern concept. Most people who have been married for a while will tell you that lust and butterflies fade away pretty quickly in any relationship and especailly after marriage, and then real love comes into the picture later on down the road.

 

A lot of people get divorced because the lust and butterflies go away and they think that means they're not in love anymore, when that isn't the case.

[Yamaha]

Should you settle?

 

 

I guess it depends on your concept of settling. What type of guy does it for you? If that concept of your ideal guy is a small percentage of the male population then you might have to "settle" in order to achieve your wishes ( or be alone and bitter ). Sooner or later you will want someone and you will bend your rules to get some of your dreams. It is just called life.

[Noos]

I agree, it sounds like you are attracted to guys who aren't attracted to gals like you.

 

You're basically guilty of the very same thing you are complaining about!

 

You complain about the guys you like only liking blonde "Supre" girls. But I'm sure there are a lot of guys who find you attractive and are complaining that you only like the hot guys, whatever the guy equivalent to "supre" would be.

 

 

You should give guys in your own league a chance, they might surprise you. The problem is that everyone, both guys and gals, wants to date someone who is more attractive than they are, who is just a little bit out of their league.

 

 

 

This whole concept and idea about butterflies and being swept off your feet is only a few hundred years old at best.

 

In most countries and cultures, marriages were always arranged by the parents for political or buisiness purposes, or just because the parents thought it was best. No one felt lustful attraction and butterflies unless they were lucky. They either learned to love each other, or they didn't. But the point of marriage wasn't mainly about butterflies and lust and getting swept off your feet. Marriage was a business proposition in that in order to survive and prosper, you needed to have two people together to work well as a team, and have kids to help out with the farm work, and ensure the continued survival of the family, tribe, clan, whatever.

 

Even today in a lot of third world countries, kids are basically their version of social security, or old age pension. If you don't have kids and family to take care of you when you are old, you'll be out on the street begging. That's why they have so many kids, in order to assure that some of them live long enough and well enough to take care of them in their old age.

 

So this whole thing about marrying for love, lust, and butterflies is a relatively new and modern concept. Most people who have been married for a while will tell you that lust and butterflies fade away pretty quickly in any relationship and especailly after marriage, and then real love comes into the picture later on down the road.

 

A lot of people get divorced because the lust and butterflies go away and they think that means they're not in love anymore, when that isn't the case.

 

I disagree. It's not like I'm going after Brad Pitt or Owen Wilson who I guess would be Supre girl equivalents. I don't find either of them attractive.

 

I'm batting in my own league - I'm not attracted to guys who I know are clearly out of my league because I know they woudl give me the time of day.

 

I'm talking about guys I know, studied with, worked with, socialised with, who have the same background and interests as I do.

 

I dunno. I give up.

 

My original point was, really - does that butterflies and romantic love thing actually exist and should I hold out for it or is it a myth that keeps me from recognising true love.

[stoopid_guy]

women are just too picky

Some are, and some men too.

 

I worked with a guy who would fall all over himself around any woman under 25 with big boobs. What did he look like? Put 40 lbs on Conan O'Brian (all in the belly,) make his skin a little pastier, recede his hairline, and "groom" him less and you have this guy.

 

A person should be selective, but they should also be realistic and set priorities.

[everlong]

not to sound harsh but what kind of subject line is that?

 

SHOULD I JUST SETTLE?

 

geee, you must be very important - settling is for boring old farts. why do that when you could own your own country! no that's entertainment!

[Guest]

"does that butterflies and romantic love thing actually exist and should I hold out for it or is it a myth that keeps me from recognising true love."

 

It's a myth built by people who believe that the initial infatuation stage IS true love. However, not having it is not 'settling'. I liken it to the difference between riding a roller coaster and having a luxury trip in the poshest of travelling vehicles. Sure, the roller coaster can be fun but you couldn't stand a lifetime of it - and it makes some people sick. It's certainly not the stuff of which lasting partnerships are made. SOME lasting partnerships start that way, but by no means all.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Talked to one of my closest guy friends today at work about this issue and he said something simple "Just give up". The simplicity of this statement really appeals to me. He says he did this years ago. He is also single (and no I have no attraction to him whatsoever, but we are good mates). He said, you are attractive succesfull woman with a good job and your own apartment. You don't need a man to fulfill you. He said that I have so many things going for me and that I should just let go of that inner struggle and find peace with what I have.

 

From this day forward, no more moping around for me due to my single status, no more looking at every half a decent single male and wondering if maybe he is my soulmate.

 

From this day forward, I'm not going to settle, I'm not going to hold out for true love. I simply give up.

[everlong]

i have a quick question...those of you out there that constantly wonder if they are 'settling' during a relationship, how many relationships have u been in where you think that way?

 

i ask because isn't just having those thoughts setting you up for failure? and when do those thoughts start happening? and what occurs to make you think you are settling? has anyone that ever thought that way, looked at what having those thoughts implies? you are basically saying you are better than the other person...they don't have everything I NEED OR WANT...kinda selfish outlook on life don't ya think? why don't you try using the word 'settle' in a different way, as in 'settling' your mind - having peace and enjoy what you have - often when you do that instead of focussing on yourself you can actually appreciate what is around you and being given to u. you will see things in a different way - trust me! [damn - used the trust word].

[everlong]

I just cut and pasted this from another site because i thought it was an impoartnt link to this 'settling' issue...

 

 

"Me, I have to admit, I have a problem with a relationship once it's past "honeymoon stage" and the whole routine and "permanency" thing kicks in. Immature? Maybe.. but I am attracted to men who seem to be on the same level. I'm NOT looking for comments on me or my silly attitude, but I would love to hear your views on whether or not "you attract who you are". Do women/men who have particular issues attract, and find themselves attracted to, those with similar or the same issues. Put another way: Do you find yourself always attracted to someone who has particular kind of issues? If so, how do you think that relates to your own issues or your "needs"?"

 

does anyone see what the link is - the commonality? in both cases, the thought process of a person is simple focussed on themself - red flag! when you are in a relationship - there are two people [you don't inlcude the little voices in yer head] - i think this is one of the most things that people fail to recognize - when you are in a relationship, it can't be always about YOU. this skill, is a basic skill, that we are taught from the very first day we are taken away from our parents and plopppped in school - we learn to move on from being given unconditional care and love from our parents and getting that by almost doing nothing other than giving them cute little baby faces and the occassional goo-goo-gaa-gaa - to having to learn the basic skills of give and take that will have to face as we enter the dawg eat dawg world.

[BlueEyedGirl]

Me, I have to admit, I have a problem with a relationship once it's past "honeymoon stage" and the whole routine and "permanency" thing kicks in.

 

See with me, I never have a problem with a relationship that goes past the honeymoon stage. What I have a problem with is entering into a relationship where there is no chance of me feeling like I'm in the honeymoon stage - ever. What I mean is entering into a relationship with guys I feel no attraction towards, no lust, not even at very beginning - even though they are very nice and pleasant guys. That is what is truly meant by "settling". I fully understand that love evolves from passion at the start to more permanent type of affection that doesn't always feel like jumping each others bones.

 

I just think that entering into a relationship where there was never any passion has very little chance of working. Sooner or later one of you will meet someone who they will feel that chemistry with and will only only leave a trail of tears, broken marriages and shattered hearts behind.

[Noos]

I was talking about entering into a relationship too - not having those feelings after the honeymoon phase.

I'm talking about even finding someone I might possibly have a honeymoon phase with. I'm beginning to get scared about being alone for the rest of my life at a stage when all my friends will be paired up with families and my mum will be dead so I won't even have her to talk to about it.

[everlong]

good thing you know yourself well...and what you are talking about happens right at the beginbuibg of a relationship - so if you don't feel it right then - you know right away you can skip this one and save yer some time! thank gawd that 'stage' doesn't happen at another time in a relationship. the need to know you have feelings of lust and passion right away makes a big difference and making a judgement on someone using those illogical emotions that are centred within the pleasure principle [mmmmm....i feel so good] really helps when it comes time to do the heavy lifting, you know the tough stuff - because, you'll really need to look back on those lusty crusty days when life gets so boring..or you could just dump the loser and grab some exciting ass again...i love my life!

[everlong]

someone posted this in this thread...

 

"I'm not sure, IF you are a fan of experiments, but I suggest you test out a theory -that may very well work out for you; or rather guide you to paradise-like feelings. The main objective of the experiment, is to allow yourself to mutter enough courage to approach men who, you think would be an interesting catch from first glance. Act like you don't have a care in the world."

 

ahhhhhh.,..using real people for experiments...well done!

 

 

"IF it does fail -or you do not wish to engage in the activity. Then I think you should just settle."

 

OMG. you mean if people see thru what you are doing - using them?

 

"Because realistically speaking, you want to experience a little of the joy everyone else is experiencing."

 

Yes - so important that. If everyone else is jumping off the cliff, it must be fun. It is better to do what the majority is doing than try and understand what makes you unique.

 

"And, unless you risk; play it out; make a fool of yourself -you are least likely to engulf yourself in true bliss... love."

 

Hmmmmmmm...I think when one takes the view of picking and choosing people, like they do at a grocery store [this piece of fruit looks yummy] chances are you are too busy scanning all the many pretty faces to actually know if Love hit ya or not - too distracted.

[Guest]

What I mean is entering into a relationship with guys I feel no attraction towards, no lust, not even at very beginning - even though they are very nice and pleasant guys. That is what is truly meant by "settling". I fully understand that love evolves from passion at the start to more permanent type of affection that doesn't always feel like jumping each others bones.

 

Here is what has happened to me. A couple of times, I became friends with guys. The more I got to know them, the more I liked them, until eventually I loved them. While I had zero lust for them at the beginning, with the love came the lust. Those relationships were good - one I married, even.

 

A couple other times, 'chemistry' was very powerful at the beginning. And they seemed to be great guys. However, as I got to know them better, I found many unpleasant things and many things to dislike and those relationships turned out badly.

 

There's lust-passion and love-passion and while the first may be more immediate, the second is better by far.

 

'Chemistry' is the person's animal urge to continue the species. Passion that arises from love is a very different sort of experience. And it's a lasting one.

 

There's no need to 'give up'. But it's pointless to spend your life wistful over what you don't have. Go about your life and enjoy it and understand there's not all that many people that any person is going to be really compatible with so it might take some time to find a good one - a bit of knowledge that should never be the focus of your life.

[Kamille]

I'm beginning to get scared about being alone for the rest of my life at a stage when all my friends will be paired up with families and my mum will be dead so I won't even have her to talk to about it.

 

While I am sometimes confronted with thoughts about "being alone for the rest of my life", I find them easy to push away. First of all because you are not alone : you have friends and family and yourself. Second : because there is no age for falling in love and having those butterflies. My grandfather met his current girlfriend at 72 and he actually told the family how wonderful it was to have 'the butterflies' again.

 

And BlueEyedgirl your friend is right: give up! Don't organise your self-esteem around whether or not you're in a relationship. Again, notice and be thankful for all the wonderful things you have going for you (and in both your cases, hello, bright sultry women with a big heart!).

 

I also agree with a lot of the stuff Everlong said. And even if you don't think it applied to you, think about how your attitude actually influences how you go about setting up the initial infatuation stages. Infatuation and butterflies is not something that magically happens, it's something you co-create with someone. If you're approached by someone you don't feel it for, accept a date with them and let them know (by your actions not words) that if they are really interested in you they need to seduce you (I loooooove doing this). Maybe give them a few indications on how seduction works for you. (So perhaps step one is figuring out how seduction works for you - what it is certain men do that make you feel butterflies).

 

Actually, you should also do this with people you are interested in. Especially with them. After all, even if you feel attracted to them you still get to "show" them how you want them to treat you. Even before you start dating.

 

I am not advocating settling. Just a change in perspective. Besides, butterflies and commitment are two separate things. And as you've pointed out, the first step is working on butterflies.

[josie54]

Boy, is this ever the ultimate question--for SOME people. Given my own experience, I have become increasingly convinced that some people are designed to "fall in love" and others just aren't. Myself included. I'm 37 and have never experienced that "in love" feeling that others talk about.

 

Right now, I'm in the "should I settle" dilemma myself. I am with a 100 percent great guy, with none of the personality traits that would break a girl's heart. The first time I saw him I thought, "Now there's the guy for me...he's a bit nerdy, but I can tell on sight that he's kind, intelligent, funny, and everything I want in a partner." After a few dates, I knew he was a great person.

 

And I was 100 percent right--except for one thing. After just over a year, I realized that I didn't feel "IT." He's the sweetest thing on the planet and I don't feel "IT" and it's driving me crazy! Now, we've been together 9 years, because I can't find it in myself to either commit to marriage or break it up! It's easy to choose to break up a relationship when there's a big red flag, like cheating, violence, irresponsibility, disrespect, personality conflicts, anger, etc. But what do you do when there are none of these things? Just a guy who loves you and a good friendship and partnership, and you don't feel "IT"? And I know this one's all up to me--he'll wait forever for me to make up my mind. He's just that kind of guy.

 

It's the toughest situation I've ever been in and I can't seem to decide which way to go with it.

 

Okay, enough of the thread hijacking--on to your question. Should you settle? I'd say, yes and no. YES, if and only if ALL of the following four criteria in place:

 

1. You find a guy whom you LIKE, who treats you with respect and kindness, with whom you have some common interests, and whose friends and family you like. There should be no disrespect or coldness, and there should be some level of common intellectual and emotional interaction.

2. This guy should also be someone whom, by all reasonable and objective criteria, you COULD love (Hey, over time, it could happen)

3. You are honest with him about your feelings (I myself am having trouble with this one) so that he knows where you stand in the relationship with regards to his love for you.

4. You are able to calm your mind of doubts about your choice. You need to be happy with the decision

 

I'd say ABSOLUTELY NOT if any ONE the following criteria are in place:

 

1. You will always be longing for that "true love" that you don't have

2. You will always be wondering "what if"

3. You will be unhappy, which will make your partner unhappy

 

 

I'm saying this as someone who is already so far into a relationship (not marriage yet, but our lives are so intertwined at this point, I will cause mass emotional destruction to both of us if I choose to break up with him). If you're not strong enough to put those first four criteria in place and avoid the last three, don't do it. You won't be happy.

 

For me, I'm trying to do what several people have suggested in this post--calm my thoughts and try to change my perception of the whole situation. I'm with a man with whom I am compatible and whose faults are no better or worse than my own. (Sometimes I think that's the problem--our faults are too similar! Maybe what I'm looking for is a person with DIFFERENT faults! How screwed up is that? ) Since objectively, there is nothing wrong with our relationship, this lies with me and me alone.

 

It's a hard emotional mess to try to unravel--so only step into it if you think you can choose well and then avoid the "monkey mind" doubts about your relationship that can just drive you nuts.

 

As I said in the beginning, my theory is that some people just fall in love more easily than others. When "we who don't fall in love" see them, we think, "oh my goodness, look what we're missing." But what we don't realize is that those people are wired for it--that's why they're always falling in and out of love. A few people are made for it--that's why they can fall in love and STAY in love. And then there's the rest of us, who overthink and analyze things so much that we somehow shortcircuit our ability to fall in love at all.

 

It's just a theory anyway. It's a theory that I can't prove, though, unless I break up with my current significant other and just wait it out and see if some sudden, wonderful lifelong love affair proves my theory wrong--or if its absence proves my theory right.

 

There are two hearts and lives at stake here, so it's no easy decision. No wonder I'm stuck!

[BlueEyedGirl]

Also I wanted to mention that if I wanted to settle that friend I talked about above would be the perfect canditate. He has expressed his interest in me on number of occasions and even wrote me a couple of love letters when we first met. I gave him lets be friends line and he seems content enough with that. He says that he only wants to do what makes me happy. I know he would treat me well, love me and all BUT I just don't feel "IT" for him. He is pleasant company but the thought of kissing him makes me cringe, let alone going further. I can't do it to myself and I can't do it to him. I have considered starting a relationship with him so many times but it would be the ultimate "settling". I haven't ruled it out 100% but I know just like previous poster said that I would always be longing and looking for that one true love.

 

It's sad though at how happy I am when other people's relationships fail. My friends boss got divorced recently (her husband left her for a younger woman) and both me and my friend secretly high fived each other, it's like "Yes!! Another relationship failed!" It's not that we enjoy others misery it's just that every failure proves our point that we shouldn't bother with relationships anyway.

[Kamille]

It's not that we enjoy others misery it's just that every failure proves our point that we shouldn't bother with relationships anyway.

 

You definitly need to change your perspective. You are setting yourself up for failure.

 

Forget Cinderella and happily ever-after and looking at the Jones'. Relationships happen, they're complex, they bring joy, they bring pain, they evolve, we learn from them and eventually we meet people who make us realise just how beautiful we are. Hopefully we also meet people who can support us and who we can support us back. And sometimes things don't work out.

 

I personnaly don't think of any of my past relationships as a failure.

[josie54]

What I have a problem with is entering into a relationship where there is no chance of me feeling like I'm in the honeymoon stage - ever. What I mean is entering into a relationship with guys I feel no attraction towards, no lust, not even at very beginning - even though they are very nice and pleasant guys. .... I just think that entering into a relationship where there was never any passion has very little chance of working.

 

Not to seemingly contradict my first post, but BlueEyedGirl, you may be setting yourself up for continued failure! When you say "entering a relationship," do you mean going on a few dates, and THEN realizing there's nothing there? Or do you mean, eyeing a guy at the outset, thinking there's no potential, and then not even giving the guy a chance? If it's the latter, you may need to rethink your approach.

 

There should at least be a "three-date" rule before you rule a guy out. I don't know about whether or not "true love" exists for everyone but I do know that the whole "Love/lust at first sight" DEFINITELY doesn't happen to everyone. Sometimes you don't know until date number three or four that the guy with whom you thought that, at the beginning, you would feel "no attraction, no lust" for might just start to appeal to you after you've been with him, on an actual romantic date, a few times

 

After a few dates if there STILL isn't that attraction, by all means, let him go and move on. But not giving these guys a chance to grow on you does seem to be a bit self-defeating. Sometimes passion isn't a sudden bonfire, but something you can't even see until you've had a chance to let it develop.

 

You might even give your friend a shot. If you've never kissed him, you don't even know what such a kiss would be like! You might agree to an actual date (with the clear understanding that this was a trial run!) and see what happens. Again, if after a kiss or two, you still don't feel it, you can honestly say that there's no spark. But until then, you may be judging the situation without all the facts.

[Noos]

Well Josie, you solved it for me with your criteria. I can never settle - it's better for me to be alone.

And to peole who say, you have family and friends etc - yes, I do - but I will never be their first priority like I would be in an intimate relationship - they will always attend to their own family's needs first. Plus, I don't like leaning on people because I don't want to be a burden - they find it inconvenient.

[burning 4 revenge]

I think you just need to date more.

 

All you need at first is a mild attraction and then you get to know people. Some will click more than others. If you're waiting for love at first sight or something it may never happen.

 

I know you're in academia and writing and it's hard to meet a lot of guys ,but maybe try meeting guys online. I'm not saying finding a guy will be easy, but unless you're a hippopatumus or have a physical disability which makes it impossible for someone to ever love you I wouldn't start lining the nails up to the cofffin just yet.

[Lynn&Troy]

I think you should not settle, I have been keeping up intently with this posting because I initially settled. But now I have ended my engagement, because, after 2 1/2 years of going about my business thinking I was, at most satisfied, I meet Mr. Butterflies and everthing else. And I can tell you this, it was not sudden. It was not instantaneous. It happened the more I got to know him, and interact with him. He isn't even beautiful, which my ex-fiance' most definitely was. But as time went on his ways were wonderful, the way he treated me, was wonderful, and the way he started looking at me was awesome and he just grew on me. And now I think about him everyday, I am always so happy to see him and it has been crazy. We are now in our seventh month together. And I couldn't be any happier. You don't have to listen to me. But I am going to tell you. There is someone out there for you. That you will love and they will love you, with the same intensity. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SETTLE.

[josie54]

...his ways were wonderful, the way he treated me, was wonderful, and the way he started looking at me was awesome...

 

It sounds as if your ex-fiance did NOT treat you wonderfully? What if someone's ways are wonderful and he treats me wonderfully and he looks at me with true love in his eyes and I still don't feel it? What if the problem is with me, not him?

 

That's the question! Everytime I hear of someone "settling," they're settling for someone who's mean, cold, boring, or unloving. I'd like to hear more from people who "settled" for someone who met all the criteria of a wonderful, loving partner--and who just didn't feel the spark? Or only felt it sometimes, to a small degree? And if (and here's the one that just stops me every time) the thought of NOT having him in my life makes me just as sad as the idea of getting married to him?

 

I've never heard anyone else talk of this situation. If there are those stories out there, I'd like to hear them!

[one_cool_mofo]

is there low sex drive? if so that can be handled clinically.