afraidof21 Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 i've been dating this wonderful man for a little over a year...we've been growing kind of distant lately but that's just because of his work and my school...well about 2 weeks ago an old male friend of mine called me up and we ended up talking for awhile...one thing led to another and well we didn't have phone sex because there was no talking but he did hear my climax...afterwards i felt terrible and told him that we couldn't talk to each other anymore cuz what we did was wrong since we're both in other relationships...plus i don't even like this guy..i just honestly don't know what came over me...it was a lapse of stupidity i guess...so about a week later i told my boyfriend because i didn't want to lie to him and if he would have me i wanted him to love me despite my faults...well now we're taking a break because he says he forgives me as a person but he just can't look at me anymore...he said he needs time to see if he can get over that and that maybe we'll be together but he's not sure...i'm really scared because i love him so much and i don't want to lose him..and i don't know why i did what i did..i just wasn't thinking and i know it sounds strange but after it happened it just made realize how much i truly loved my boyfriend and want to be with him and only him...but i understand that i betrayed his trust and by telling him i had to accept the consequences of my actions...i guess i'm just wondering what other people would do in his shoes?? i still want to be with him very much and told him that i would give him his space and whenever he was ready i would wait for him...but i'm very scared that he'll never be able to look at me or love me without thinking about what i did...what would you do if you were him?? or even me??
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 "about 2 weeks ago an old male friend of mine called me up and we ended up talking for awhile...one thing led to another and well we didn't have phone sex because there was no talking but he did hear my climax...afterwards i felt terrible and told him that we couldn't talk to each other anymore cuz what we did was wrong since we're both in other relationships...plus i don't even like this guy.." ok.i will try and help with some advice..but this is confusing. first of all, how long had it been since you spoke with this old male friend? and had you ever dated him before? and how did he get your number? did he know you were seeing someone? did you tell him? and if you don't like him, why did you talk with him in the first place? and, if you weren't having 'phone sex' - what does one thing leading to another mean? to me, if you had an orgasm talking with that guy, chances are you were not talking about politics! lol. as for betraying bf's trust - you actually betrayed your trust first. and, to be honest, if this was some stranger on a chat line, i would think the boyfriend would let it go, but, this was with an old male friend - that's different. i would suggest that you tell him everything honestly and put it in the past.
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 well i never dated the guy and we have been friends for about 3 years and talked sporadically every once in a while...i did tell him i had a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend..and we were just talking about friendly things...school, life, what not...and he was paying me lots of compliments and being very flirtatious and giving me lots of attention...i guess in my head i wasn't thinking this was a red flag because cheating on my bf never even entered into my head as something i would and i guess since he was in a relationship as well it was like a safeguard that nothing we happen. ..and so i guess the flirting just led to him saying things like he was looking at pictures of me online (myspace) and stuff like that...then we started doing stuff to ourselves but we were talking about what we were doing we were just on the phone..and the weirdest thing was i was picturing my boyfriend in my head..but u know when you get in like i guess a sexual mood and you say things you wouldn't normally say and then later on you think about it and are you why did i say that?? i guess it was like that..i was just in a certain mindset and thinking about my bf and wasn't thinking about what i was doing on the phone.. .i know it's a very strange situation and i feel terrible and would never do anything like it again...i would be super careful to not even put myself in that kind of situation again..and i was completely honest with my bf but now of course he's confused as to how to deal with it...he said that if i had physically done something with someone it would have been easier for him cuz he would have a clear cut answer to the situation...but what i did was so stranger he doesn't know how to comprehend it exactly...he says he still loves me and forgives me as a person and wants to just forget about it but it was a betrayal and i hurt him and now he can't look at me without feeling nauseated...this hurts me so badly and i know i should be hurting for what i did...i'm not trying to makes excuses for what i did cuz i know it was wrong...i'm just scared that he won't be able to ever look at me again...i mean does time really heal all wounds? could he ever look at me and want to be with me again??
Author afraidof21 Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 "then we started doing stuff to ourselves but we were talking about what we were doing we were just on the phone.." WHOA sorry i meant to say we were NOT talking about what we were doing
D-Lish Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 The best advice? Is to sometimes remain quiet about those kinds of indiscretions... Yep, don't fess up- keep it to yourself. Those kind of confessions never help a relationship. I have been with a man I love in bed and thought about someone else when we were having sex... but everyone does and he doesn't need to know those kinds of things. i have also touched myself and pretended I was with Matt Damon.... but the boyfriend never needed to know. So, sometimes, it's useful to keep quiet about those things. Keep dialogue open with your ex, apologize, then give him space. If he loves you- he'll forgive one thing like this. But keep it to yourself if you do something like this again. :-) D
Tim Dog Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I don't know you both so I could be wrong but I think your bf is keeping distant and saying he can't look at you for two reasons. 1. Because you hurt him and he wants you to be hurt as well. It's a a natural reaction. 2. He wants to send a message that he is taking this seriously and could leave you forever. My hunch is that he really wants things the way they were before, and eventually he'll take you back in the hopes of doing that. But he wants you to know if that does happen, you can't do it again.
Island Girl Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I don't know you both so I could be wrong but I think your bf is keeping distant and saying he can't look at you for two reasons. 1. Because you hurt him and he wants you to be hurt as well. It's a a natural reaction. 2. He wants to send a message that he is taking this seriously and could leave you forever. My hunch is that he really wants things the way they were before, and eventually he'll take you back in the hopes of doing that. But he wants you to know if that does happen, you can't do it again. Completely agree. And I also agree with D-lish - you shouldn't have told him. It is one thing if you actually kissed/touched/had sex with someone else. Then, you have to tell because something is seriously wrong with the realtionship and it needs to be fixed or over. What you did -- that was an indescretion for sure - don't do it again for multiple reasons but the most important being look how it made you feel about yourself. But you shouldn't have told him. Now that you have, it is like Tim Dog said. He wants you to think seriously about this and NOT do it again. As long as you don't get overly desperate and needy, remain apologetic and understanding of how he is feeling, you guys will be fine. You may have to do a lot of work so he can feel secure again. So if you are up for it, great, if not, just break up now and save yourselves the fighting..
simon_uk Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 "then we started doing stuff to ourselves but we were talking about what we were doing we were just on the phone.." WHOA sorry i meant to say we were NOT talking about what we were doing I dont understand this, sorry. You were just talking normally, you werent talking baout what you were doing but you were both masturbating????? Why? what would cause you to start masturbating if you were talking about general things and how did you both know that you were masturbating? He heard you climax and didnt think "hang on, we are here talking about general things and she has just had an orgasm" Ok, so you werent talking about doing things to each other perhaps but you must have mentioned sex or masturbation in some context, surely? why, why why did you tell your boyfriend this? and try and ask yoursefl what your reaction be had your boyfriend told you he done this with another girl. I dont think your bf is going to leave you for this, it doesnt seem that way anyway, surely he would have done it by now but I think you need to convince him of your fidelity. Good Luck
maoserr Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 If it was me that was your boyfriend, I honestly wouldn't care that much you did this as long as it does not mean anything (I would be slightly bothered, but hey, you were very apologetic). He seems to have taken it rather seriously though, so I think Tim Dog's probably right. It's a very strange situation though (your bf's probably thinking the same thing).
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