JustKristine Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Background- 27 been with SO for 3 years. So he never physically cheated on me but I found out (he lied about this to me) that he cheated on his fiance' (his relationship before me) with a woman who was married and his fiance' found out and ended it. He had always told me that she was the one who cheated on HIM and he ended it. IF I had known he was a cheater or had cheating tendancies I would have never dated him (I found out this info after we dated for two years). Before current SO I was in a bad relationship where my SO lied and cheated twice and I finally ended it. I told my current SO about this and how much I"d been hurt and that I woudl never put up with anything of the sort again. Well everything was fine until about 6 months ago when SO started hanging out with this other woman quite frequently. We were living togehter, talking of marriage and my SO has always had female friends but this one was different. HE was secretive about this one and would lie to me about her (I found out later) she was very nice to my face so I didn't suspect she was after my SO. I had some suspicions that my SO just blamed on my past (that I was paranoid). He would pick the other woman over me though more than once (he would be late coming home because he "HAD" to talk to her because she had a bad day or something. I finally put my foot down after two months of this "Friendship" and told him its either me or its her. He "Picked" me and banished the other woman from his life, meanwhile beign angry at me the whole time because I didn't trust him and made him get rid of a friendship. He obviously got over that becasue things soon went back to normal and we started getting along again. Well about two months after he ended contact with her, one of our mutual friends came to me and told me that my SO had told the OW that he wanted to be with her adn that he was planning to end things with me so they could be together. this friend showed me a card (that OW gave her) that was from my SO. IT was a very sweet birthday card that made me ill. in this card my SO had written how he thought about OW all the time when he was with me adn when he was with me he wished it was her there. He wrote that he loved everything about her, called her beautiful and said he missed talking to her when she wasn't around. He told her happy birthday and that he hoped that on her next birthday she was celebrating it in his arms. So basically he was making plans to be with her and leave me (meanwhile he was still acting normal toward me, having sex, talkign with me etc like nothing was wrong). I guess the OW had told him that he had to leave me before they had sex so nothing physical happened but i guess you could call it an emotional fling becasue she had feelings for him too. Also he lied to me for two months straight saying that they were just friends and he'd never been interested in her and that he didn't even think she was that attractive (meanwhile in the card he praised her eyes, her hair, her smile, even her ears!) When I confronted my SO with the evidence first he lied then he confessed but says it was nothing and that he'd changed his mind about being with her. Well I foudn out from the mutual friend that actually OW had changed her mind about HIM because she met someone else (who was available). I want to trust my SO again because I love him but any time he even talks to another female I think this whole mess is going to start over again! I am going nuts worrying about if I can believe him or not. He hasnt' given me any other reasons not to trust him but I didn't expect him to do what he did either. He says since there was no sex its not cheating and nothing happened. So I shouldn't be so upset. But he betrayed me one way or the other. How do you ever trust again???
Guest Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 You have to let them earn your trust back slowly. Otherwise cut your losses and move on/
Chapter2 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Get out now...I'm assuming from your post you're not married and don't have children? If that's the case....RUN. He's proven through word and action that he is a liar and a cheater twice that you know of. Oh and yes, emotional affairs are cheating~~he's splitting hairs and hoping you'll buy it....don't. Background- 27 been with SO for 3 years. So he never physically cheated on me but I found out (he lied about this to me) that he cheated on his fiance' (his relationship before me) with a woman who was married and his fiance' found out and ended it. He had always told me that she was the one who cheated on HIM and he ended it. IF I had known he was a cheater or had cheating tendancies I would have never dated him (I found out this info after we dated for two years). Before current SO I was in a bad relationship where my SO lied and cheated twice and I finally ended it. I told my current SO about this and how much I"d been hurt and that I woudl never put up with anything of the sort again. Well everything was fine until about 6 months ago when SO started hanging out with this other woman quite frequently. We were living togehter, talking of marriage and my SO has always had female friends but this one was different. HE was secretive about this one and would lie to me about her (I found out later) she was very nice to my face so I didn't suspect she was after my SO. I had some suspicions that my SO just blamed on my past (that I was paranoid). He would pick the other woman over me though more than once (he would be late coming home because he "HAD" to talk to her because she had a bad day or something. I finally put my foot down after two months of this "Friendship" and told him its either me or its her. He "Picked" me and banished the other woman from his life, meanwhile beign angry at me the whole time because I didn't trust him and made him get rid of a friendship. He obviously got over that becasue things soon went back to normal and we started getting along again. Well about two months after he ended contact with her, one of our mutual friends came to me and told me that my SO had told the OW that he wanted to be with her adn that he was planning to end things with me so they could be together. this friend showed me a card (that OW gave her) that was from my SO. IT was a very sweet birthday card that made me ill. in this card my SO had written how he thought about OW all the time when he was with me adn when he was with me he wished it was her there. He wrote that he loved everything about her, called her beautiful and said he missed talking to her when she wasn't around. He told her happy birthday and that he hoped that on her next birthday she was celebrating it in his arms. So basically he was making plans to be with her and leave me (meanwhile he was still acting normal toward me, having sex, talkign with me etc like nothing was wrong). I guess the OW had told him that he had to leave me before they had sex so nothing physical happened but i guess you could call it an emotional fling becasue she had feelings for him too. Also he lied to me for two months straight saying that they were just friends and he'd never been interested in her and that he didn't even think she was that attractive (meanwhile in the card he praised her eyes, her hair, her smile, even her ears!) When I confronted my SO with the evidence first he lied then he confessed but says it was nothing and that he'd changed his mind about being with her. Well I foudn out from the mutual friend that actually OW had changed her mind about HIM because she met someone else (who was available). I want to trust my SO again because I love him but any time he even talks to another female I think this whole mess is going to start over again! I am going nuts worrying about if I can believe him or not. He hasnt' given me any other reasons not to trust him but I didn't expect him to do what he did either. He says since there was no sex its not cheating and nothing happened. So I shouldn't be so upset. But he betrayed me one way or the other. How do you ever trust again???
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I'm sorry to have to tell you this: Your SO has already cheated on you. Are you going to put up with this? Even the OW doesn't want him...
Flyin in Clouds Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 cut your loses... as to how to turst a cheater... as Reagan would say, "trust, but verify". Frankly I wouldn't trust a cheater or get involved with one. Cheaters have a fundamental character flaw IMO. Maybe many will never repeat, but the risk is that many will repeat and how can one know which group a cheater falls into? Why take the risk?
FlyingHigh Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 You can forgive the first time. After all everyone is entitle to second chance. But after that, once your trust has been betrayed twice, the trust is impossible to rebuilt. So, move on. I think you know the answer deep down.
everlong Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 u trust them again by wearing them down by making them play sims2 36 hours straight and do that for 6 straight months...they will never touch a computer again The Sims 2 Nightlife Cheats http://planetthesims.gamespy.com/ http://tg.sims2techguide.net/article.php?http://thesims2.ea.com/update/getpatch.php?
Justkristine Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Just to clear a few things up- my SO did not cheat on me two times- he cheated on his ex- which I didn't find out about until we had dated two years. Also my ex was the one who cheated on me twice. I told my SO this and how hurt I was adn he promised never to do that to me. He came close to cheating or emotionally cheated on me. Which is lying and I consider a form of betrayal. He never slept with the OW. He did have plans to leave me for her though. I am just wondering how to ever trust him again? Just because we aren't married doesn't mean any less. My feelings are still the same as if he was my husband. It does make sense to leave but I am not looking for that at the moment. I am trying ot get over this and move on.
FlyingHigh Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Just to clear a few things up- my SO did not cheat on me two times- he cheated on his ex- which I didn't find out about until we had dated two years. Also my ex was the one who cheated on me twice. I told my SO this and how hurt I was adn he promised never to do that to me. He came close to cheating or emotionally cheated on me. Which is lying and I consider a form of betrayal. He never slept with the OW. He did have plans to leave me for her though. I am just wondering how to ever trust him again? Just because we aren't married doesn't mean any less. My feelings are still the same as if he was my husband. It does make sense to leave but I am not looking for that at the moment. I am trying ot get over this and move on. Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. You're not married yet. This is a BIG red flag. BIG! This guy has no respect for you or the relationship, much less for himself. He's downright selfish. A person who requires that much attention from different women speaks volume of his insecurity and immaturity. You seem like a great catch, honest with a good head on your shoulders, save yourself a lot of heartache by cutting your losses and move on. You deserve better. He certainly does not deserve you. But if you consider staying with him, both of you need to discuss why he ever considered leaving you for another woman? And why would you settle for someone who "thought" of leaving you for another woman? What changed his mind? He needs to understand why. Then you need to figure out whether or not he's being "honest" with you. And even if you feel he is being honest with you, you're going to have to either trust him or not. But, it there is even an ounce of doubt to his story, that dount will linger and cloud your relationship. He's already establish a trust issue. The question is what has he done lately to prove to you that he can be trusted?
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