ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 So the basic jist is this. My ex wife leaves me for another guy for 1 year. I me the OW who I fall in love with. The ex wife and I get a divorce and I move in with the OW. We live together for 1 year and she is very young, needy and immature. She cant really tell her parents about us because I am older and things are good but there are issues. I do love her however. So after 1 year I tell her I need to move back to my ex wives house and revisit that and see what went wrong. Really it was an escape because I was afraid the OW was going to leave and hurt me being that she was younger. My ex wife and I never work on anything and I tell her I am still emotionally attached to the OW. This goes on for 2 or so years. The other woman asks to be FWB and I am OK with that. So I have only been with her sexually for the whole time. In Apr she has a death in the family and it devastates her and she goes into depression. I try to be there for her but cannot be all the time because I am afraid my ex will kick me out of her house. Around June the OW comes to me and says she needs a Title and would like a child. I say I cannot give that right now and I am sorry that I should leave her life. She cries and I cry and she takes me to her bed and makes love to me as we cry in each others arms. I do some serious soul searching over the next 2 weeks and realize she is the woman for me. I buy her a ring and ask her to marry me. She says no the timing isn't right. Then she says maybe and keeps the ring. I tell her I never want it back as it means too much to me and she should have it for ever. Then for the rest of the summer she goes back and forth over what she wants and I finally have to go with no contact as she was hurting me too much. I know the pain I caused her with the FWB and I have more than apologized. I have moved out on my own and I want to be with her. Last we spoke she said it was over she is done we are through. Then she emails me that she loves me and needs time to soul search and that she is not gone forever and she is extremely sorry. What do I make of this? I know she is confused but does anyone think she will come back. She knows I never slept with my ex wife while I lived there as I had my own bed and room and was with her most every eve as my ex wife worked second shift.
Freedom Now Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 She probably cannot rationalize why in the world you went BACK to your xwife! I would have a hard time wrapping my mind around that myself. She doesn't trust you. Why did you tell her that you "cannot give her" the title and child when she asked for it? What was stopping you? She sees inconsistencies in your behavior and you scared the crap out of her. She is running scared and is probably fed up with the yo yo relationship. The only thing you can do is wait. The ball is in her court.
Author ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Yes she is scared. I could not think straight when she asked and I was being selfish and safe I guess. I realized what I was missing and how much I loved her. She also told me that the only reason she stayed around here for the 3 years was for me. I do love her with all my heart and cannot make her pain go away. But I offered her my undying love and a child. I have lived in my new place for a month and 1/2 now and she doesn't call me anymore. She says she loves me and just needs to do some soul searching herself. Is it possible she will come back? It is so hard to know that she loves me so much but cannot get over the pain. She is running and told me she has a wall up. I will not contact her as I need to give her the space she needs. I just hope she knows how much I really care.
Freedom Now Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 She doesn't trust that you will not go back to your exwife. Only time will show her that you are really serious about having a relationship with ONLY her. Time. It is gonna take time.
Author ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Thanks freedom but I am afraid that by not talking to me and me not talking to her no matter how much she loves me she will move on. Like I have said before the only hope I have alive is that she still has the ring and told me it meant the world to her. I dont know whether to think out of sight out of mind or absence makes the heart grow fonder. My therapist said that is not that I cant have her because I have been an emotional mess for 4 months. How do I let her know I am still there without contact? I told her I will wait forever but people forget.
Freedom Now Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Hmmmmm.... Let me think about this for a moment.... I would think that she knows how you feel about her, right? So, if she loves you, she will make contact. She said she needed time and space, so give it to her. Perhaps a small gesture to let her know that you are thinking about her would be appropriate. How about mailing a card to her. A SIMPLE "Thinking of You" card. Don't put any mushy stuff in it. Just sign it and send it to her.
Author ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 I did a dozen roses after 2 weeks of NC on my part. I put a single silk rose in the middle and wrote thinking of you, here for you and loving you till the last rose dies. She called and was thankful but I asked her about this other guy that she spends all her time with and she got mad. I hung up on her and she txt'd me back that we were done we were through it was over. After several more txt's she said she just needed to be single for awhile. Then she emailed me with the note that she loves me and she is sorry but she needs to do some soul searching. That she is not leaving forever. What ever that means and I have not really heard from her since. Other than the calls to yell at me for crying to her best friend.
Freedom Now Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Just send her the card. Do nothing else. She knows how you feel.
Author ImInPain Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 Thanks for the help but I cried and chased and went crazy all summer. We would go to the beach and the mall and dinner and hold hands and be totally like a couple and then she just ended it. I will think about it but I just want to give her time. Maybe around my birthday or Xmas. Both are in December. I sure miss her and I wish I knew that she missed me. I am pretty sure she must. You cannot just shut out 5 years. She is a very mixed up and confused woman and for the first time in her life she is living on her own and able to enjoy being her own person I have to let her enjoy that. She will wake up and see that I am the stability she needs. I hope. Thanks again you are a big help.
yesmaybe Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I may be the dissenting voice here - but I don't think she'll come back on her own. You finally pushed her to her breaking point. If I were you, I would not only chase her and not let her "forget" about me...but I would also make it very clear that I've changed. If anything will bring her back, it will be her hope that you are indeed a stromger, better man. I would call her everyday, once in the morning and in the evening. Just a quick chat to askher how she is, if she needs anything, etc.. No big emotional stuff. But, I would do this consistently, everyday. This will go a long way in showing her you are reliable, steady. If she ever mentions, off-chance, that she's especially stressed, I would buy her a gift certificate for a local spa to get a massage. Or, if she mentions she has been craving a certain snack, buy a couple boxes and give it to her. These are thoughtful things that go a long way with women. Again, no laying on the mushy, romantic stuff. But most of all, I would always put on my most happiest, confident, friendliest face with her. Make it less about you and you wanting her back...and more about being her friend and her rock. Treat her with thoughtfulness, gentleness, and consistency, and even if she doesn't come back, at least you'll know you did your best.
Author ImInPain Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 YESMAYBE --- I really appreciate your input and I would love to do that but even my therapist said to leave her alone. Trust me I want to call and tell her I am here. I have done all that though and it just pushed her further away. I have written vast volumes of how much I love her and will be there for her. I have bought her gifts, helped pay her rent and given and given. I am soooooo sad about this and I just wish she would forgive the past (not forget) but let it go and let the walls down that she has up. Does anyone else think I should call her? She hasn't called me in 2 weeks other than a txt to tell me to stop crying to her friend (drunk @ bar 1 night) and then to yell at me for contacting her friends and family. I really don't know what else I can do. I just hope and pray that there is some other reason than me telling her I never wanted it back that she is keeping the ring.
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