Guest Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Does a trial separation after an affair ever work? Does the WS ever realize what they are missing? Do they ever come back?
brainless twit Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I may be speaking prematurely, but so far it is working for me. I found out 2 months ago that my H had an EA with a coworker. When I found out, he was ready for a divorce. Since then, we have been through a lot and he finally decided he needed "time alone to think." Last Saturday I packed up clothes for myself and my son, and we headed to my parents' house. Less than 24 hours after we left, something clicked in his head and he realized what he was throwing away. He called and begged us to come home. Since I've been home, things have been absolutely wonderful. He no longer gets frustrated when I ask about the A, no longer tells me to "let it go" or "move on with our lives." He knows I'm going to need lots of time to heal and trust him again, and he's prepared to make it right. I definitely won't say that my situation is typical, but I think it's possible to work things out.
outofdarkness Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Does a trial separation after an affair ever work? Does the WS ever realize what they are missing? Do they ever come back? My H cheated on me for over 10 years with one main OW..D day was over 2 years ago...We were separated twice while we attended MC and IC and are now back together and have been for around 1 year...So far, things are working ok...He went through a time for around 6 months, where his behavior became irritable, distant and at times degrading, but this has ended and things are on the upswing again...I usually use his behavior to tell me whether or not I think something might be going on...I found out in late Aug that he had dinner with a young attractive 20 something and lied to me about it because he said that he knew how I would react...I talked to my IC and friends about it and finally decided to call her on the cell phone # I had jotted down when I discovered the call...I left a voice mail telling her that I knew of their dinner, thought it crossed the line and was inappropriate..She immediately called my H at work, or so he said, and questioned him about it. He told her that obviously there were trust issues between us...Embarassing for him AND me! Was it her business that we have trust issues? Anyway, some days I feel sad, lonely and depressed, but these are becoming fewer and father between...I have taken steps to strengthen myself so that I will be emotionally, physically and spirtitually fit with or without my H...I don't know yet if we will spend the rest of our lives together, but I am willing to try as long as he says that he loves me and attends MC...I do see many positive changes in him, and others say that when you look back 2 years ago, the transformation in him and our marriage is incredible..I can see that some, but it's harder to notice when you live with it every day...He travels alot, and this bothers me, but I have learned to do some things for myself and have gotten much support from IC, friends, family and these forums...I had no idea that there were actually women out there who were going through the same thing as me..I knew about cheating, but it never happens to ME!! My world has opened wide, and I am happy that some positives have come out of this whole mess...At first, I blamed myself completely, and thought that if I had been a different person, more attractive, bigger boobs, more career oriented, he might not have strayed..although I realize that there was room for improvement in our relationship and that there wer times when I was emotionaly unavailable due to personal issues, I no longer blame myself totaly...I realize now that there was a void, and although this does not excuse his cheating, I have learned so much about relationships, men, and myself...There is NEVER any excuse for cheating, and I do not condone it, but if you can get some positives out of a really bad situation, why not? I had to to keep going and feel optimistic about a future for myself and our children...Whether I stayed or not...The separations were very good for both of us. I was able to see how serious he was about his efforts to get some help and heal our marriage, and he had much private time to reflect on what he had done, why he had done it and what he could do to speed along the healing process. I heard alot of I'm sorry's and please forgive me's and crying and whining at first, but that has slowed down, and I now see actions more then words...This is a good thing..After all, actions DO speak louder then words! I love him dearly, and am feel more secure then I ever have in our relationship. So to answer your question, yes, I do think that trial separations work and yes, they DO come back...A NC letter is important to totally cut ties with the OW, and he must make his intentions crystal clear to BOTH of you... Hope this has helped...Every situation is different, but there are some common denominators in every A...Good luck and God Bless!
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