How do you get your hubby to pay attention to you?

[Guest]

Sounds to me like he may be a workoholic. You are getting in the way of his pre-scheduled life, ruining his plans to clean or otherwise meet the goals that he probably spent all day at work thinking up for himself.

 

Now I don't mean thats a good thing and that you should back off, but I think its something he might want to realize for himself. Does he have problems relaxing? Ask him next time he gets angry if he is getting angry because you want time with him or if its just because you got in the way of his carefully planned cleaning/relaxing schedule.

 

People who have these full and carefully planned out heads usually have a hard time relaxing and feel that everything around them has to be in order for them to relax completely. Hence why he was doing the work in his 1 hour in between jobs, thats 1 more hour he can fit into "relax time" because he knows he can't relax if its not done and he wants to make sure he can relax to handle work tomorrow. If you offer to help him or do these things for him I would guess he thinks you wouldn't do them as meticulously as he would and hence he would rather take care of it himself.

 

This problem relaxing also introduces a low tolerance for any problems in the way (problems aren't planned and disturb the flow of schedule). He perceives your neediness as a problem that disturbs his relaxing and thats why he would gets mad, not because you need him too much - but because there is now a problem that he has to deal with before he can resume doing what he wanted to do.

 

This is assuming he shows any of those qualitys. If so, he may need to learn a few relaxing techniques or read up on how he can stop working so much and introduce more pleasant leisure activities into his life.

 

I hope I'm not way off, if I've read too much into it I wouldn't be surprised, I have a tendancy of doing just that.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Absolutely ridiculous. I don't care how great the guy is or what he does, if I don't feel appreciated, wanted, and LOVED. It doesn't matter.

 

Yeah, yeah, true for guys too. But Island Girl what does a guy have to do to make you feel appreciated, wanted and loved? Flowers? Gifts? Talk? Candle light dinners?

 

And could it be that the signals a man gives just aren't read by you as screaming "I love you", while that is exactly what the man is tyring to tell you?

 

In any communcations there are two parties. The sender of the message and the reciever. If you aren't both speaking the same language you aren't going to understand each other. Sometimes when one is thinking they are saying "I love you" the other receives the message as meaningless.

 

I also hate the notion that because a guy isn't a flaming alcoholic, criminal or pervert, he is automatically a prince.

I also hate the notion that just because a woman isn't a flaming alcoholic, criminal or slut, she is automatically a princess.

 

Perhaps meet him at the door and cover yourself with dust and leaves and hand him a rake and feather duster..... then he will spend some time with you

Unfortunately he's so dense he probably wouldn't get it... :lmao:

 

Sorry SadMonica but your guy has some serious problems. If I was working two jobs and my wife somehow got me an extra half hour between jobs no way I wouldn't be trying to get into her pants.

 

 

What a particularly female, "waiting for Prince Charming", point of view. If you are married to a "great guy", as measured by "what he does", don't you have a responsibility to derive some love, want and appreciation from that foundation? Happiness is not something your mate delivers to you like a take-out pizza, it also takes some work on your part to additionally find out what best serves your partners needs. I'm guessing that, like most stories, there's two sides to this one...

Good points. SadMonica have you told your H how much you appreciate all his hard work? And even more than loving him for that you want him for being a man?

 

 

Why is it when a man posts about how his wife had lots of sex with him before marriage, but the day after she decides no more for YEARS, everyone, including women, support that man in his frustration. But a woman posts that before marriage, her husband was caring and emotionally attentive- afterward he is distant and unresponsive, and now she is the whiny, needy b*tch?

Because after the woman has firmly clasped that old ball and chain on a guys ankle she no longer has to "perform" to keep him. He's trapped. See gunny's thread... what's in marriage for a guy? What does a guy get? And so the guy resents being trapped and forced to live with the witch...

 

Why is it a woman is allowed to refusing having sex with her husband, but a husband is never supposed to withhold emotional support from his wife? Double standard? yeah...

 

Forcing (manipulating, coercing) a guy to give emotonaly is kind of like forceing a woman to have sex isn't it?

Your H needs the shock of that wake up call,

So why when I suggested that I gave my wife a "wake up call" by saying "honey, we either get our sex life back on track or I have an affair or we divorce" was that tantamount to "forcing her"? Why is it OK for women to use this kind of blackmail - an actual affair or threat of one - to get their "emotional" needs meet, but if I guy tried the same arm twisting to get some sex he's an evil rapists? Double standard?

 

The GREAT husband part comes in the relationship with me - I don't care if he is Donald Trump - the money and "good on paper" things aren't what makes a woman stick around. It is the caring, love, and support. If that is missing it doesn't matter how good on paper he is. The FEELINGS make him a GREAT husband or not.

And just what makes a great WIFE? What makes a guy want to stick around? Here's a hint: It's the sex... The caring, love and support are nice but if the sex isn't there... forget it.

 

YES the same goes for her, he should feel loved, wanted and appreciated too.

Sorry those aren't enough. Those are "givens" (just like a guy has to not be a drunk, drug user, not abusive, stable ... etc). Men need sex. Well most normal men anyway. I just can't understand guys like OP's H...

 

What does get me though is there are so many lonely people - because the couples sexual and emotional needs seem to be so badly mismatched. Old Beatles song comes to mind. All the lonely people. Where do the all come from? So many women who's H isn't doing it for them and so many men who's W isn't doing it for them. Maybe a little mate swapping isn't such a bad idea. ...

 

it isn't going to work if she doesn't feel he even cares when she is around or not.

Can't argue with that.

 

My point is simply that relationships evolve and one is well served by understanding the changes that result.

True. The sex changes, why is it woman expect, neh, demand that the emotional side stay unchanged?

[SadMonica]

I think that each of you has an interesting take on the situation. Yes, I do believe my Husband is a workaholic. And I agree with the poster who said he is getting angry because I am interupting his schedule. I am just frustrated because he goes hot and cold on me. Sometimes he can be sweet and affectionate (although this is rare) and there are times that I feel that everything is going to be ok between us and then he rejects me out of the blue- whether I am trying to initiate cuddling/affection or I show up half naked in some sexy little outfit wanting sex- the rejection hurts either way.

 

I get angry because my own husband shouldn't act like I am bothering him because I want to have sex or give him a hug!! If he had always acted like this before marriage then I would have known what to expect (and would not have married him!) but he was totally different before we married. And its not like I am demanding everything I want- I woud love to spend all day saturday and sunday with him, I would love to have sex about six or 7 times a week and I would really enjoy spending a whole day of one on one time with him. But I try to make do with just seeing him on sundays (and its not all one on one time either) and having sex 2 or 4 times a week.

 

I don't complain about the time we do spend together- I try to praise him for that and I ask for more once in a while. My hubby will make time for things he feels are important (work, his family, his hobbies) so in essence he is teling me that I AM NOT IMPORTANT to him. I've brought this up to him and he just gets mad and says he does plenty for me nad that I expect him to quit his hobbies, adn abandon his family and quit his jobs just to spend time with me. WHen none of that is true, I just wish he would realize that he is going to lose me if things don't change. ANd if that doesn't matter to him then he needs to tell me so I can be the one to intiate a divorce and move on with my life!

[Pink_Tulip]

Why is it a woman is allowed to refusing having sex with her husband, but a husband is never supposed to withhold emotional support from his wife? Double standard? yeah...

 

Forcing (manipulating, coercing) a guy to give emotonaly is kind of like forceing a woman to have sex isn't it?

 

So why when I suggested that I gave my wife a "wake up call" by saying "honey, we either get our sex life back on track or I have an affair or we divorce" was that tantamount to "forcing her"? Why is it OK for women to use this kind of blackmail - an actual affair or threat of one - to get their "emotional" needs meet, but if I guy tried the same arm twisting to get some sex he's an evil rapists? Double standard?

 

Why is this directed at me? Please show me anywhere in this entire forum where I have said it is OK for a woman to withold sex. On the contrary, I have always encouraged men to be very clear and firm with their wives when this is going on, rather than pussyfoot around the issue and hope it gets better. In fact in that thread, I was one who said I agreed with the way you handled it. It seems to me like you have issues with your relationship, and you automatically assume every woman is like your wife who is/was withholding sex, and you see that as a purposeful manipulation. I am sorry if this is something you are experiencing, as it really sucks, but not every woman is like this. Not only that, but the OP specifially stated she is ready and willing, so I don't see why you are bringing this up? I am not sure I understood the point you were trying to make. It seems you are more interested in slamming women for past personal transgressions than helping the OP communicate with her husband.

 

LV- I think that most reasonable people understand that in the beginning of a relationship, the sex is much higher in frequency than it will be when the newness wears off, kids come along, etc. Just from my personal experience, I'd say most people probably expect during the duration of the marriage that sex will be about 2-3x a week. If one partner has expectations of more or less sex, I'd say that is something that definately needs to be discussed before a marriage. If there is a situation where sex is occuring 1x a month or something, a very serious conversation needs to take place. Just as a very serious conversation needs to take place with the OP and her H over his lack of interest in fulfilling her emotionally.

 

And you are totally right on, so many times I read posts and wish I could hear the other side! But since all we have is the OP's side, it just seems odd that she is satisfied before marriage, then quickly afterward the H changes is attitude and behavior toward her. Of course there could be something else going on, but all I can do is comment on what I know.

[napoleandynamite]

I can empathize with you because I have a similar problem, except mine differs from yours in certain aspects...

 

For example, I ALWAYS go out with my girlfriends. I go out with them 3X a week and go out with my husband maybe 1X a week. Even my husband's friends think it's odd I spend so much time with my girlfriends and not with him. Also, I am very career-oriented, and I also have hobbies & activities. I would consider myself a very independant person.

 

However, my husband makes me feel like I am "smothering" even when I am away. Tonight for example, I came home from work, didn't come down stairs to say hello to him because I was so pre-occupied with something else, then I left for a few hours...the second I walk in the door he asks me, "could you please just give me some alone time tonight". I didn't even have the intention to be in the same room with him. Our relationship is like this most of the time. I could probably go away with my gf's for a 4 week vacation, never call him (which I rarely do~which i notice is different from most women), and he would still tell me to leave him alone when I set foot in the door. We hardly ever have sex (and in the begining it wasn't exactly frequent or even decent), of which he has told me I'm "too fat" and if I lost weight he'd maybe be more attracted to me (btw...just had a doc's appt, and he said I was 10 overweight at most).

 

I think in your situation...if you separated yourself, the desire for him to be with you would grow stronger. At least you guys have SEX! There is hope for you. Don't do anything to accomodate his interests in hopes he will build a stronger need to spend time with you...wont happen. I bet 'ya if you drifted away slightly, his interest would definetly be peaked. Don't feel bad, there are worse scenerios around and they are not fixable.

[napoleandynamite]

Originally Posted by kjl933

Show up naked, bring beer!

 

my husband wouldn't care either. even if it weren't me!

[IpAncA]

Sounds to me like the guy is married to work and the stress is right behind him. I'm also in a similar situation except I'm the one that works all the time while my husband wines to me on how I ignore him. I work hellish hours and my husband doesn't so he thinks that I should just put work on hold and pay attention to him. Well I can't just do that. When I get home from work I still work and I'm on call for my clients 24/7. I'm pretty much attached to my cell and you will never see me without it. Shoot I even sleep with it next to me. I have to in case they need to call me and my husband knows that. I don't mean to ignore him but it does get rather annoying when he wants me to drop what I'm doing just to see what he's doing. There is just so much to do and not enough time in the day to do it. I've told him lots of time that he can talk to me while I'm working on some stuff but he doesn't want to be part of my multi tasking. I would love to do what you would like to do with your husband but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Used to be like that before I got my job but I worked very hard to get it and I love my job.

 

Yeah you could say that I'm married to my work and yeah when he comes home I'm usually in my office upstairs and I don't just jump up run down there and such but I do try to sometimes. However yesterday he couldn't take it anymore because I was on phone and I kept on cutting him off. So while I was in the middle of talking to someone he just took my cell, turned it off, closed it, and put it in his pocket. I can't even begin to tell you how rude of him that was. All he had to do was just wait until I got off the phone and then talk to me. You can probably imagine what that night was like and today because I wasn't thrilled to get my phone back and see that I missed an important call that I had to take my time and call back before work. I am trying to figure out ways to cut my hours down and to find time to do the things that he wants to do with me and I knew something like this was going to happen I just knew it. I wasn't even going to take my job but I just couldn't refuse so now I'm paying for it big time.

 

Anyhow I just thought I would share my story with you. Probably doesn't make you feel any better but at least you know your on the only one that feels the way you do. Maybe he will realize what he's doing to you and will decide to change.

[a4a]

Sounds to me like the guy is married to work and the stress is right behind him. I'm also in a similar situation except I'm the one that works all the time while my husband wines to me on how I ignore him. I work hellish hours and my husband doesn't so he thinks that I should just put work on hold and pay attention to him. Well I can't just do that. When I get home from work I still work and I'm on call for my clients 24/7. I'm pretty much attached to my cell and you will never see me without it. Shoot I even sleep with it next to me. I have to in case they need to call me and my husband knows that. I don't mean to ignore him but it does get rather annoying when he wants me to drop what I'm doing just to see what he's doing. There is just so much to do and not enough time in the day to do it. I've told him lots of time that he can talk to me while I'm working on some stuff but he doesn't want to be part of my multi tasking. I would love to do what you would like to do with your husband but sometimes it just doesn't work out that way. Used to be like that before I got my job but I worked very hard to get it and I love my job.

 

Yeah you could say that I'm married to my work and yeah when he comes home I'm usually in my office upstairs and I don't just jump up run down there and such but I do try to sometimes. However yesterday he couldn't take it anymore because I was on phone and I kept on cutting him off. So while I was in the middle of talking to someone he just took my cell, turned it off, closed it, and put it in his pocket. I can't even begin to tell you how rude of him that was. All he had to do was just wait until I got off the phone and then talk to me. You can probably imagine what that night was like and today because I wasn't thrilled to get my phone back and see that I missed an important call that I had to take my time and call back before work. I am trying to figure out ways to cut my hours down and to find time to do the things that he wants to do with me and I knew something like this was going to happen I just knew it. I wasn't even going to take my job but I just couldn't refuse so now I'm paying for it big time.

 

Anyhow I just thought I would share my story with you. Probably doesn't make you feel any better but at least you know your on the only one that feels the way you do. Maybe he will realize what he's doing to you and will decide to change.

 

 

Don't be shocked if he ends up in the arms of another woman very soon.

 

I wonder if your clients are going to come and take care of you in your old age? I wonder who comes first in your life clients or your H?

 

Your spouse should always come first. If you love your job more than your H, perhaps you need to leave him so he can find happiness and you stick with your beloved job alone?

 

Time for you to make a choice and stick with it.

[Flyin in Clouds]

Why is this directed at me?

 

Why do you think it is directed at you?

 

Please show me anywhere in this entire forum where I have said it is OK for a woman to withold sex.

I didn't say you said that. I am saying, generally, the view is woman can not and / or should not be "forced" to have sex, i.e. threatening an affair would be forcing a woman to have sex when she didn't want to otherwise. She'd only be doing it because of the threatened affair or divorce, not because she was a willing participant and thus that kind of "force" or blackmail is tantamount to rape. And yet I get the sense that using the same kind of "pressure" - threatening an affair, is OK if a woman isn't having her emotional or other needs met. Thinking of Mz. P's case here. And I'm not saying she was wrong in threatenging to have an affair if her exH didn't satisfy her needs.

 

I was bring that up as a general issue and only quoted you to give it some context as to what sparked my comments? OK? Nothing personal at all. It's a conversation.

 

I was trying to point out that there shouldn't be any difference between how one gets sexual needs and emotional needs met. And if you have to hit your spouse (figuratively speaking of course) over the head with a 2x4 to get what you want... or a4a's solution sticking a fork in his head... well it's OK to do that, for either sexual or emotional or any other thing in a relationship. But I would hope using the big gun would be a last resort.

 

 

... and you see that as a purposeful manipulation.

No I just caught a bunch of flak for "dealing with my situation firmly" and I think women should be just as firm or forceful or threatening or blackmailing about their needs. But I don't see a woman's needs as any more or less important than a man's needs. Both partners have needs. They aren' the same needs or statisified the same way and that's the cause of all the problem. The difference in how men and women view sexual relations. I see women that are emotionally starved trying to solve the problem by doing the things that would satisfy their needs for their husband - buy him gifts, notes, flowers, ... none of which a man wants. He'd ususally (unless he's like OP's H) want more sex.

 

I am sorry if this is something you are experiencing, as it really sucks, but not every woman is like this. Not only that, but the OP specifially stated she is ready and willing, so I don't see why you are bringing this up?

I don't know either. It was at the time just a reaction to what you said. I was thinking that men and women are similar in that they have needs they want met in a relationship but often those aren't the same and how they are met are different, yet we (men and women) tend to see things from our own POV without seeing the difference the other side is looking for. Does it relate to the OP's problem? Probably not. I can't really relate well to men that don't want to jump at the opportunity to have more sex with their woman.

 

I guess the only way I would reject sex with my wife was if it became routine or expected or demanded but I'm not even sure I'd turn it down then. So I don't understand men like the OPs H.

 

One other factor could be the Coolidge effect - that men prefer variety. I mean eating steak 5 days a week, every week for years gets really boring. You get to hate steak. You start dreaming of chicken. Or pork - the other white meat. Why would it be different with our sexual appetities? How can you have sex with the same woman over and over again without it getting boring? And yet open marriages or swinging is viewed with great hostility.

[Flyin in Clouds]

.... However yesterday he couldn't take it anymore because I was on phone and I kept on cutting him off. So while I was in the middle of talking to someone he just took my cell, turned it off, closed it, and put it in his pocket. I can't even begin to tell you how rude of him that was. All he had to do was just wait until I got off the phone and then talk to me.

 

Do not be surprised, nor even complain, when your husband has an affair.

 

If you are going to keep putting him on hold, making him wait, while you attend to anything or anyone else... eventually he'll just walk out and go see Sally down the street. Sally is always ready to pick up your H.

 

I am trying to figure out ways to cut my hours down and to find time to do the things that he wants to do with me and I knew something like this was going to happen I just knew it. I wasn't even going to take my job but I just couldn't refuse so now I'm paying for it big time.

So you live to work, not work to live.

 

No job can take over your life to the exclusion of the most important person in your life. If your husband did this to you, you'd be either pissed or you wouldn't care because he didn't mean anything to you. You should be thankful he wants you so much he's willing to be so "rude" to you or your client. Start to really worry when he doesn't bug you to put the phone away because that's when Sally will be polishing his knob.

 

I wonder if your clients are going to come and take care of you in your old age? I wonder who comes first in your life clients or your H?

Uh, gee a4a... I remember a certain incident on your anniv. with your clients... hmmm... and I was wondered the same thing...

[everlong]

How do you get your hubby to pay attention to you?

 

have an affair! that should get his attention

[Pink_Tulip]

Why do you think it is directed at you?

 

 

B/c you quoted me, so it felt like you were talking directly at me rather than making general conversation. I apologize.

 

I pretty much agree with everything you said. I am a strong believer in doing everything you can to make your spouse understand the importance of the issue, including the proverbial 2x4. Better they get it now while the marriage and family can be saved, than afterward, IMO.

 

I don't get the 'pressure' argument either. When I was ready to leave my H, he of course agreed to change. And he did- a total 180. I was very insecure at first, kept asking him, are you doing all this just so I won't leave? He kept saying no, he did'nt realize how bad he screwed up before, how imporant it was, how much better the relationship is now that he gets it, etc. I understand the concern of many men who are afraid women will only have sex out of obligation, and that may be true for a small few. But from my own experience, when the partner really gets it, they change b/c they want to, b/c they see the positive effects in the marriage.

 

And my H would have to agree with you also about not understanding any man who won't take it however, whenever, whereever, etc, their wife is willing to give.

[IpAncA]

 

So you live to work, not work to live.

 

No job can take over your life to the exclusion of the most important person in your life. If your husband did this to you, you'd be either pissed or you wouldn't care because he didn't mean anything to you. You should be thankful he wants you so much he's willing to be so "rude" to you or your client. Start to really worry when he doesn't bug you to put the phone away because that's when Sally will be polishing his knob.

 

 

I shouldn't post this here but I'm going to just this once.

 

Yeah that was some thanks I got out of that. Spent the whole evening trying to get that dang thing back with him screaming at me about it. You could say that night was pretty much recked. He wasn't in the greatest mood when I got home so thats why I think he did it. But anyhow I know that he should come first and I am trying to fix it.

[riobikini]

re:

 

SadMonica: " ...he usually just wants to do work around the house or lay on the couch and watch tv."

 

 

OK, the *first* question I want to ask you is: *why* is he working two jobs?? aren't you working to help pay the bills?

 

I don't mean to come across as being unsympathetic to my own gender, here -but really, I've worked like an adult ever since I was fourteen to support siblings, send money back home to my mom, and feed myself and provide a roof and a bed- and I kind of understand how working two jobs can suck the romance right out of you.

 

Besides the obvious, -you have to keep in mind that (generally speaking) guys aren't always thinking about intimacy (sex, perhaps -but not the romantic intimacy you're complaining about missing).

 

So how do you inspire him to *want* to spend that kind of time with you? I think you might have to provide a little more detail about how *you* are helping to take a bit of the pressure off him in regards to his (apparently) having to work all those hours, on both those jobs, before it makes sense to offer any reasonable-sounding suggestions.

 

As far as him "lying on the couch" -he's probably *exhausted*; as for doing things "around the house" -he's probably trying to catch up with the work around there to keep the place from falling apart (Bravo! for the effort!); and as for his taking you to spend time with your friends on the week-end -he probably thinks you're having a good time.

 

He actually sounds like a pretty caring, hardworking, and responsible guy.

 

You're a lucky girl.

 

-Rio

[SadMonica]

re:

 

 

 

 

OK, the *first* question I want to ask you is: *why* is he working two jobs?? aren't you working to help pay the bills?

 

I don't mean to come across as being unsympathetic to my own gender, here -but really, I've worked like an adult ever since I was fourteen to support siblings, send money back home to my mom, and feed myself and provide a roof and a bed- and I kind of understand how working two jobs can suck the romance right out of you.

 

 

 

As I stated before- I do work full time- I actually make more than my husband at my job(compared to either job he has, not both combined). He doesn't work because he NEEDS to, he works his 2nd job because he gets to work with his dad and also because he finds the work relaxing and enjoys it. What do i do to inspire him to spend "that kind of time" with me? Well I am his wife and he made a committment to me and in my opinion that includes spending time with me. Right now we only see eachohter maybe an hour every day during the week, a half day on saturday and all of sunday (the only day he doesn't work) I don't think that is a lot of time considering that this is just how often we are home together, its not necessarily QUALITY time together.

 

I think I do my part, I cook him dinner or make sure he has something to eat every night- even if I'm not eating what I cooked (so basically its JUST for him), I also keep the house neat, do the grocery shopping, feed the pets, mow the grass (we have 2 acres) and all I'm asking for is a little extra attention. I dont 'want flowers or love notes, just more sex and quality time. I want him to give me a hug when he sees me not get mad because I am home early. I feel like I am the cook/maid sometimes.

[riobikini]

Monica, your last post was very well-put.

 

So much so that -in fact- it might be worth taking the time away from your friends on Sunday and saying it all over again face-to-face to your husband.

 

You might share with him *all* the sentiments from your other posts in this thread, too -especially what you say in the one below:

 

" I don't complain about the time we do spend together- I try to praise him for that and I ask for more once in a while. My hubby will make time for things he feels are important (work, his family, his hobbies) so in essence he is teling me that I AM NOT IMPORTANT to him. I've brought this up to him and he just gets mad and says he does plenty for me nad that I expect him to quit his hobbies, adn abandon his family and quit his jobs just to spend time with me. WHen none of that is true, I just wish he would realize that he is going to lose me if things don't change. ANd if that doesn't matter to him then he needs to tell me so I can be the one to intiate a divorce and move on with my life!"

 

Maybe that's the size brick he needs to feel upside the head in order to realize where his marriage is at.

 

Good luck this Sunday.

 

-Rio

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I pretty much agree with everything you said. I am a strong believer in doing everything you can to make your spouse understand the importance of the issue, including the proverbial 2x4. Better they get it now while the marriage and family can be saved, than afterward, IMO.

 

What I get from a lot of these forums is that we (men and women) all tend to see things from our own POV and assume our mate also sees things as we do. It's hard for some women to see how a man views sex in their relationship and that leads to all kinds of problems and in the worst case an affair. Men tend not to see the importants of emotional or non-sexual needs that women have with similar bad results. I think it boils down to bad communications, leading to misunderstanding a lot of the time. Not always cause some times a guy is just a jerk.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...But anyhow I know that he should come first and I am trying to fix it.

 

 

There is no try. Do or do not... with apologies to yoda.

 

You were trying to get the phone back? huh... I would have given it to you and left - for Sally's house.

[Flyin in Clouds]

As I stated before- I do work full time- I actually make more than my husband at my job(compared to either job he has, not both combined). He doesn't work because he NEEDS to, he works his 2nd job because he gets to work with his dad and also because he finds the work relaxing and enjoys it. What do i do to inspire him to spend "that kind of time" with me?

 

How much more time on earth do you think his dad has? You know I was going to spend more time with my father - maybe work out some issues we had between us, ask more about his life. Thing is he had a stroke and died. Just before school started. I was waiting for my kids to be back in school and I'd stop by his place after dropping them in the morning and we could talk. But he died on labor day and I never got that chance for those talks. You think his dad will be around as long as you? How will you feel if you come between them?

 

 

My hubby will make time for things he feels are important (work, his family, his hobbies) so in essence he is teling me that I AM NOT IMPORTANT to him. I've brought this up to him and he just gets mad and says he does plenty for me nad that I expect him to quit his hobbies, adn abandon his family and quit his jobs just to spend time with me. WHen none of that is true, I just wish he would realize that he is going to lose me if things don't change.

I can related. Besides my wife's 60 hour a week job that takes her out of town 2 weeks out of the month, she's involved in so many church activities and other extracurricular stuff (she's on a couple charitable boards), well ... so when she is home she's editing the church news letter and blogging on a Christian blog. hmmm... and when I bitched about it I got the same response. Did I expect her to give up all her church activities? Yeah, the message is I'm not as important to her as her other activities.

[SadMonica]

How much more time on earth do you think his dad has? You know I was going to spend more time with my father - maybe work out some issues we had between us, ask more about his life. Thing is he had a stroke and died. Just before school started. I was waiting for my kids to be back in school and I'd stop by his place after dropping them in the morning and we could talk. But he died on labor day and I never got that chance for those talks. You think his dad will be around as long as you? How will you feel if you come between them?

 

First I'm sorry to hear about your dad, I can't fully understand what you are going thru but I lost my grandmother who practically raised me- in August. I kept saying that I would spend more time with her but always had other things that kept me busy. I regret that now. As for my husband and his dad- yes he works the 2nd job so he can spend a little time with his dad and because he enjoys the job. I am not trying to come between them in any way- my parents live 2 hours away and I could see them every weekend if I wanted to drive there but I choose to spend time with my husband. I hope to have a family of my own and that will be my priority.

 

As for my husband its not an issue between his dad and me because I'm not asking my husband to quit his 2nd job. I just want him to make more time with me and for that time to be QUALITY time. Meaning we spend one-on one time together- not me sitting next to him while he watches tv. I want him to pay attention to me and realize that I have needs beyond just seeing him walk thru the door every night. And as far as saying who is going to be around longer- me or his dad- who knows? Anything can happen. My husband had two close friends die in car accidents in high school (two years apart) so you just never know how long you have with anyone.

 

I was just looking for ideas on how to tell my husband he should start paying attention to me more. Like I said before I"ve tried doing a lot of things to make him happy (cooking favorite meals, keeping the house extra clean, doing some of his chores to take the stress off of him, doing activities that he enjoys) but none of it seems to make a difference and I just get angry for doing all those nice things and getting no positive response. If he was always this way (when we were dating) then I would accept it because I married him. But he wasn't like this at all- and yes he still worked two jobs at the time). He actually went out of his way to spend time with me and he was affectionate usually. The first year of marriage was normal but lately (as in at least a year on and off he just seems so distant. We are going to counseling tomorrow so hopefully that gives me some insight.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...

I just want him to make more time with me and for that time to be QUALITY time. Meaning we spend one-on one time together- not me sitting next to him while he watches tv. I want him to pay attention to me and realize that I have needs beyond just seeing him walk thru the door every night.

 

Just what is quality time? What does it mean to you - exactly? What do you want him to do? For me, quality is anything my wife and I share. If we both watch TV that's quality time because we can both discuss the show. We go to theater together and we talk about the play. We go to dinner together without the kids. We go on weekend vacations together. We play bridge with our friends. We go to church together. We entertain our friends - dinner parties for 20 and cooking for those is a team effort for us that we enjoy. Something we've done since we first met at my fraternity. We'd cook for the whole house. So what does your H think quality time for him would be?

I was just looking for ideas on how to tell my husband he should start paying attention to me more.

What does that mean? Pay more attention to you? How? In what way? What actions are you looking for? Should he look into your eyes and chit chat about the weather?

 

Like I said before I"ve tried doing a lot of things to make him happy ... but none of it seems to make a difference and I just get angry for doing all those nice things and getting no positive response.

Bummer.

 

I don't know what to tell you because if my wife danced around in a sexy nightie in front of the tv while I was trying to watch it, I think I'd get the message.... sex or tv, sex or tv, sex or .... seems like a no brainer to me.