How do you get your hubby to pay attention to you?

[SadMonica]

I have a problem with my husband of 3 years (we have been together a total of five) My husband makes me feel as though I am annoying him if I try to cuddle with him or hug him. We barely spend any time together as he works two jobs. So we see eachother for an hour a day Monday through friday (at night) and then we spend all day sunday together and half the day on saturday. I do have other friends and interests so its not like I depend on my husband entirely for companionship. But I feel neglected. He doesnt pay much attention to me.

 

I try to get him involved in activities he enjoys but he usually just wants to do work around the house or lay on the couch and watch tv. If I try to talk to him during this time he ignores me. We still have sex about 3 times a week but if I try to intiate it more often he just groans and acts like I am a nympo. I don't know any man who wouldn't want to sleep with their attractive wife (I work out and stay in shape) I try talking to him about all of this but he just gets defensive and starts yelling "I can't do anything right for you!!"

 

He says that when I suggest change or something that I need that I am selfish and it makes him feel like he is doing everything wrong and I am just picking out his faults. I will try to do nice things for him to make his life easier and it just backfires because after I do a ton of work to try to make him happy he will just ignore me and I get angry. It is like he is hot and cold. sometimes he is so distant. I just don't know what to do. He refuses to go to counseling saying that he is not "crazy" and if I want to go I am more than welcome to.

[luvstarved]

Wow. This sounds similar to my situation in some ways. See my thread on "The Blame Game". It sounds as though your H MIGHT be similar to mine in taking offense easily and not wanting to be held to "blame" for things...

 

But, here is what I am doing. I bought a bunch of books on relationships and I am reading them. My H is too but I have read more so far. They should give you a lot of insight into intimacy, needs and how better to communicate, which are my goals too.

 

Perhaps at first it would be better if you did some solo reading to get some ideas on how better to communicate your needs to your husband. It might also be a better approach to read them with a mindset of helping yourself identify HIS needs and work towards fulfilling those. It is possible that just doing this could open him up to listening to you and responding to your needs.

 

I have spent some time trying to just convey my needs and feelings to my H and am meeting with some resistance so I am trying to back off for a while and modify my communication behaviors and approach to him to see if that works better.

 

I suspect that you BOTH have needs that are not being met. I thought at first that these self-help type books were kind of trite and bogus, but they actually are helping me to sort out the nature of relationships and have good information on approaches to fixing things.

 

One thing that rings loud and clear in these books is that you have to have enough TIME together in order to achieve real intimacy, so if there is anything you could do to improve that, it would be a good start.

 

Good luck.

[quankanne]

sounds like stress, pure and simple. I wouldn't take it too personally, in that case, because at some point, the stress abates. If he's treating his time away from work as his time to decompress, then he probably feels that your "need for attention" doesn't let him decompress, even if you aren't actually being needy.

 

how is he when you make loving gestures toward him (blowing kisses, stroking his hair or his back, sweet smiles, etc)? Does he act as if you're invading personal territory, or is he okay with that? You may have to back off and treat him like a roommate until he gets his bearings. It doesn't mean that you love each other any less, but that you're mentally giving him the space he needs to go from working-two-jobs mode to husband mode.

 

would bribing him with food help? You know, getting his attention through the food you prepare? Sometimes a simple gesture like baked goodies helps them see that you took the time to do this for him, and he responds positively because he appreciates what you've done just for him.

[Cinnesyn]

I know EXACTLY how you feel. The only difference between me & you is that I'm not even married yet and he ignores me. It makes me seriously doubt whether I should marry him.

 

I've considered counseling to determine if my need for attention is something I can control because it's unreasonable or if there really is a problem between us.

 

One thing I did do is tell him that when he ignores me, it makes me sad and makes me doubt if he loves me. Of course, he was all upset by this and he thinks he doesn't ignore me. That's why I'm considering counseling since we don't see eye to eye on this.

 

I've surfed the internet to find answers to my questions regarding this. I found www.marriagebuilders.com and found a questionnaire that a couple can take to determine what needs are important to the other person and how to better meet those needs. Of course, my fiance hasn't taken the time to fill out the questionnaire. Maybe your husband will. If anything, the marriage builders website had useful information to help me deal with this problem. I wish you luck.

[kjl933]

Show up naked, bring beer!

[whichwayisup]

933 stole the words out of my mouth, but seriously, start going around the house topless.

 

I understand how you feel, but the difference between your husband and mine is, when we go through our mini dry spells (either he's tired, stressed or just not up for sex due to long hours from working so much) he still makes me feel loved and needed.

 

This isn't just about sex, this is about him not meeting your needs that make you feel loved, secure and important to him.

 

Talk to him about this! And don't let him TELL you that you're acting selfish or demanding. Marriage is work too, you can't sit there and not put in any effort because then the relationship suffers, feelings shutdown and eventually shutoff. These are the types of situtations that leave the door open a crack for an affair. You're feeling alone and undesired, and your husband MUST make you feel that love, otherwise one day you will fall into the trap of another man who whispers sweet nothings in your ears, tells you how hot you are.

 

Good luck and don't give up. Go to counselling with him if you have to! this is your marriage, your life - SO fight for it!

[LVspecB]

We barely spend any time together as he works two jobs. So we see eachother for an hour a day Monday through friday (at night) and then we spend all day sunday together and half the day on saturday.

The reality is that, in an apparent effort to have your financial "cake and eat it too", you've structured your life in a way that almost guarantees the results you're complaining about. Who wouldn't be exhausted and stressed to the point that all they want to do is " lay on the couch and watch tv" if they were working 80 hours a week? Trust me, it takes a physical and mental toll on you, male or female.

 

In light of that, it seems curious that your post is all about YOUR unmet needs. You would make more progress by trying to understand (and addressing) what your husband is needing while he works (very) hard to support you. Sorry for the tough love...

 

LVspecB

[JamesM]

I would have to believe that it is stress and overwork. When he gets home, he doesn't want to keep "working." The more you require him to do things to please you, the harder time he will have meeting those needs. He spends most of his week working and "pleasing others. When he gets home, he wants to be himself. He just wants to relax and "zone out." I can understand. Maybe scheduling time every week for a night out or at home may work better because then he expects it on his schedule. If he is at work, looking forward to a certain football game, etc., then he gets home and finds that you have scheduled something else...poof! His night/day is shot. Scheduling works for me.

 

This I cannot understand...

If I try to talk to him during this time he ignores me. We still have sex about 3 times a week but if I try to intiate it more often he just groans and acts like I am a nympo.

 

Oh man, I wish I had a nympho! But then I am of the oppostie side. I am a man who gets very little sex.

[Flyin in Clouds]

...We still have sex about 3 times a week but if I try to intiate it more often he just groans and acts like I am a nympo.

 

Well are you??? :p:p:p

I don't know any man who wouldn't want to sleep with their attractive wife (I work out and stay in shape)

Yeah, I don't get guys like that either.

 

I try talking to him about all of this but he just gets defensive and starts yelling "I can't do anything right for you!!"

Stop being critical and bitchy... oh, you're not... well he feels that way for some reason. Let him know all the things he does right for you. Don't talk about anything he does wrong. Only the positive.

 

Try after a kiss or hug "hmm.... I really liked that honey, you made me feel good." and add very coyly " and what can I do for you..." Kiss him and run away. Let him chase you some.

 

He says that when I suggest change or something that I need that I am selfish and it makes him feel like he is doing everything wrong and I am just picking out his faults.

You think he's lying? Or do you think that is how he really feels?

 

I will try to do nice things for him to make his life easier and it just backfires because after I do a ton of work to try to make him happy he will just ignore me and I get angry.

Well stop doing that. It only makes you angry and doesn't get you what you want. Trying to bend over backwards to please someone in the hopes they will do what you want is probably counter productive.

 

Try backing off some and just relaxing with him without pressuring him to do anything. Don't try to make him talk to you when he doesn't want to. Oh, yeah, you can walk around naked but eventually that will get old and boring too. What you can do is try changing your look. Change your hair color. Become a "different" woman and see if that picks up his interest any.

 

It is like he is hot and cold. sometimes he is so distant.

Yeah, guys can get moody too.

[SadMonica]

I appreciate all of the ideas. Just to clear some things up-he is NOT working two jobs to support me. I work 40 hours a week too and my job pays more than his main jobs. He doesn't work 80 a week either even though he works two jobs. He works his 40 hours at his day job and then works at a farm at night. He works about 50-60 hours total a week. He doesn't really NEED to work there but he has done so for about 12 years part time and he says he enjoys the work and it relaxes him. He gets paid next to nothing ( a few hundred a week extra) for doing this. He does it because he loves the work. I have no problem with that. But I do have a problem that he does not spend quality time with me. I know I probably sound like "ME ME ME" but I have tried to figure out what his needs are and basically he wants someone to cook dinner every night (which I do even though I rarely eat anything that I cook for him- so basically I am doing this just for HIM) and he wants to come home to a nice clean house every day-which I try to keep up with as well. He does do dishes and occassionally some stuff around the house (I know I am lucky!)

 

We never lived together before we were married and when we lived apart and dated he spent a lot more time wtih me!! He would get off work early to see me and when we were together he ALWAYS wanted to have sex or be affectionate. Now if I want to take a vacation just to get a way he complains the whole time we are away. I've tried the show up naked with beer thing ha ha and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. I just don't feel consistently loved and cared for. I understand that he is tired but he makes it a point to make time for other things (his family, his hobbies) so I feel neglected. ANd the one poster is probably right, if some guy came along who paid attention to me even though I have what i think are good morals I would probably be vulnerable to having an affair- at least an emotional one. Ive gone to counseling and the therapist tells me to find my passion- to find a hobby or interest that I love and spend time focusing on that instead of on my husband. She also says i should make new friends and try to spend more time wtih them. That seems to defeat the purpose to feeling closer to my hubby. any thoughts?

[JamesM]

We never lived together before we were married and when we lived apart and dated he spent a lot more time wtih me!! He would get off work early to see me and when we were together he ALWAYS wanted to have sex or be affectionate.

 

He completed his goal...he married you. This is a typical male.

 

I just don't feel consistently loved and cared for. I understand that he is tired but he makes it a point to make time for other things (his family, his hobbies) so I feel neglected.

 

He has already told you that he loves you...how often do you need it? He makes room for other things because they are goals that have to be completed.

 

She also says i should make new friends and try to spend more time wtih them. That seems to defeat the purpose to feeling closer to my hubby. any thoughts?

 

She is right...if you do not have any close girlfriends. Women need conversation more than men, or at least in different ways. If you need him as your only confidant, then you may want to find another girlfriend...to avoid an emotional affair. My wife also was that way about ten years ago. She found some girls to go out with and that gave her another outlet for conversation..it helped us.

 

Yes, he needs to change...no doubt, but you cannot change him. By focusing your energy elsewhere, he may realize that he misses your attention. Then he may come running after you.

[LVspecB]

Sounds like what your therapist is pointing you towards is the concept of taking responsibility for your own happiness. As you describe your husband, he is a good man, works a job-and-a-half, helps with the house work, is close to his family, has healthy outside interests and has sex with you 3 times a week. Does he also have a big red "S" on his undershirt?

 

And your response to landing the kind of H many women would kill for? If he doesn't start meeting your emotional needs, you "would probably be vulnerable to having an affair".

 

Most of the time, marriage is about appreciating what you have. Your focus seems to be on what you're missing. There is a big difference between the two. Just my opinion...

 

LVspecB

[luvstarved]

 

Most of the time, marriage is about appreciating what you have. Your focus seems to be on what you're missing. There is a big difference between the two. Just my opinion...

 

LVspecB

 

While I agree that it is important to focus on the positive and appreciate what you have, you can't just describe a guy's outward behavior and say gee that sounds great! I'd kill for a husband like that!

 

That's kind of like saying rich people have no reason to be unhappy.

 

What's important to one person is not what is important to another. That little fact is the salient one in many relationships. The main problem with many marriages is that the partners fail to express, understand and/or earnestly attempt to fulfill each other's needs.

 

One hour a day together is not much. She wants more time with her H and more attention from him. She feels lonely. Makes sense to me.

 

It seems like one possible solution would be pretty simple, though. Express to him your heartfelt desire to be with him more and see whether you can find a compromise wherein he spent perhaps one less night at the farm and go out with you instead. Don't expect him to come up with date ideas, do that yourself. Just get him to cooperate. Try to make it like a real date, in which you talk about general subjects and just enjoy being together. If he sounds disinterested, then tell him how very important it is to you in a nice way, don't nag or complain.

 

If he just flatly refuses to bend AT ALL on this, assuming you have presented it well, then you have a bigger problem...

 

Sex ONLY 3x a week though is something you should learn to just tolerate.

[LVspecB]

While I agree that it is important to focus on the positive and appreciate what you have, you can't just describe a guy's outward behavior and say gee that sounds great! I'd kill for a husband like that!

I'm assuming that if he was a pedophile, drug addict or alcoholic she would have mentioned it in her posts. My point was simply that she desribes him as a pretty good guy.

 

The notion that any one person can fulfill all your social, emotional and sexual needs on a full time basis is inherently flawed. As stated, I think her therapist was suggesting that it would be a healthy step to take some of the pressure off her marriage by having some of those needs (the non-sexual ones ) met elsewhere. I think its good advice...

 

LVspecB

[justagirliegirl]

I agree with the therapist to hang out with some girl friends.

 

Sometimes the best way to get someone to notice you is to simply not be there.

[Island Girl]

And your response to landing the kind of H many women would kill for? If he doesn't start meeting your emotional needs, you "would probably be vulnerable to having an affair".

 

Absolutely ridiculous. I don't care how great the guy is or what he does, if I don't feel appreciated, wanted, and LOVED. It doesn't matter.

 

--- Girlfriend, get out out out and let him realize you are gone gone gone. I don't mean leave, I mean get busy yourself. Start a project you enjoy, take an art class, whatever.

 

He is just stuck - let him miss you being there. It sounds like you do A LOT for him. If you don't anymore he will definitely noticde and it will at least get a conversation going.

 

It just sounds like he is getting his needs met and he doesn't have to do any work at all to get it done.

 

You may try also praising his actions when he DOES do something because his comment about not doing anything right is coming from somewhere.

 

The only relationship book I'd read is Dr. Phil's. He has a book out about getting the one you want or fixing the one you got and you can do it on your side. He doesn't have to go to counseling, or read it, or anything. --Dr. Phil has been married 30 years. He and his wife have got to have some good ideas about communication, etc.

[luvstarved]

I'm assuming that if he was a pedophile, drug addict or alcoholic she would have mentioned it in her posts. My point was simply that she desribes him as a pretty good guy.

 

The notion that any one person can fulfill all your social, emotional and sexual needs on a full time basis is inherently flawed. As stated, I think her therapist was suggesting that it would be a healthy step to take some of the pressure off her marriage by having some of those needs (the non-sexual ones ) met elsewhere. I think its good advice...

 

LVspecB

 

With all due respect, I think it is inherently flawed to think that one hour a day during the week is enough to sustain a truly intimate relationship. The OP stated that she has other friends and interests and does do that, but I don't think that it is such great advice to tell her to just do more of that and "fill up her day" more or less.

 

I don't believe that any one person can or should do everything for you, but a marriage is a special relationship in which you are assumed to do some of that. I don't buy this idea that your spouse is just "gravy" in your life and that you are basically on your own happiness-wise. Otherwise, why go through all the commitment and vows? Of course, in the end, you have to take care of yourself and you are the only person over which you have real control, but there are expectations and responsibilities that come with marriage and if you want a good one, you'll each try to fulfill those.

 

It would be a little different if they were in a place where he NEEDED to work two jobs all the time,then it would make a lot more sense to say "buck up and deal, go amuse yourself elsewhere", but that ISN'T the case and her desire to spend more time with him should be something that he could compromise on and show he cares enough to try to accomodate her on. IMO.

 

I also hate the notion that because a guy isn't a flaming alcoholic, criminal or pervert, he is automatically a prince.

[a4a]

 

 

 

I also hate the notion that because a guy isn't a flaming alcoholic, criminal or pervert, he is automatically a prince.

 

:lmao: of course he is perfect! :lmao:

 

Don't forget he doesn't beat the OP to a pulp either.

 

That should be enough to satisfy her with their marriage.

 

You sound like you need quality time with him and it sounds like he is not aware of it or is telling you " I don't care"..... my guess is that you may be using sex as a way to get some quality time with him?

 

Go read Gunnies thread and "so if a guy............" I am too lazy to look up the link.

 

Now OP have you really communicated your thoughts to him?

[SadMonica]

Yes, I know I am lucky in many ways. I have a husband who helps out around the house, works hard and does not have any addictions, engage in criminal behavior or abuse me in anyway. So yes I do understand there are worse things that feeling ignored. I guess I just feel like I am a bother to him sometimes- for example yesterday I came home from work half an hour early (something I occassionaly do) and it was during the time my hubby is in between his two jobs (he comes home for about an hour).

 

I thought he would be happy to see me as we havent seen eachother hardly at all this week. I didnt' expect much for him just a "how was your day and a hug would have made me happy. Well I came home and he said hi and immediately told me that he was going to clean some furniture in the basement and then rake some leaves in the yard. I told him why don't you sit down and relax and talk to me, I'll do those things later. Well he became SO angry at me, eventually yelling at me because I"d interupted his "routine". He was angry that I didn't call and let him know I was coming home early and that since I am home he feels he has to "drop everthing" and pay attention to me. Well excuse me, I would think if you actually cared about someone it wouldnt' kill you to spend 5 minutes with them. I have no idea what to do.

 

As far as the making other friends thing I have 3 close girlfriends that I spend time with now. Two are getting married and the third is married longer than me and has a child. So I can't spend every free moment with them but we do get together often. I am also very close to my mom and my sister (who live 2 hrs and 6 hrs away) so its not like I am this horribly lonely friendless person but I feel lonely and unwanted in my marriage. my hubby will do nice things for other people (just the other day he made dinner for his dad (he never makes dinner for me) and he bought his boss a birthday cake and he has never done this for me. It is like he is a totally different person than the one I thought I married. Before marriage he was so sweet and attentive. AHH!!

[Spiderman]

Show up naked, bring beer!

 

The best advice I've read all week.

[a4a]

Well I came home and he said hi and immediately told me that he was going to clean some furniture in the basement !

 

 

Sorry to say this but you are just a piece of funiture to him.

 

Perhaps meet him at the door and cover yourself with dust and leaves and hand him a rake and feather duster..... then he will spend some time with you.

 

Sad....... no, not sad........ pathetic. The rejection you feel must be quite painful?

 

I am not into game playing but next time he asks you to do something with or for him....... just don't. Hey maybe you should just stay at one of your gf's houses for the weekend without telling him...... do you think he would notice if you were not even there?

 

IMHO this guy may be decent but he sure is acting like an azzhole.

[LVspecB]

Absolutely ridiculous. I don't care how great the guy is or what he does, if I don't feel appreciated, wanted, and LOVED. It doesn't matter.

What a particularly female, "waiting for Prince Charming", point of view. If you are married to a "great guy", as measured by "what he does", don't you have a responsibility to derive some love, want and appreciation from that foundation? Happiness is not something your mate delivers to you like a take-out pizza, it also takes some work on your part to additionally find out what best serves your partners needs. I'm guessing that, like most stories, there's two sides to this one...

 

LVspecB

[Pink_Tulip]

First off, LVspecB, I have to disagree with just about everything you have said. Why is it when a man posts about how his wife had lots of sex with him before marriage, but the day after she decides no more for YEARS, everyone, including women, support that man in his frustration. But a woman posts that before marriage, her husband was caring and emotionally attentive- afterward he is distant and unresponsive, and now she is the whiny, needy b*tch? Nice double standard.

 

Anyway, Monica, I was in an almost identical situation, lived it for four years before I finally broke and had an EA. Now, here is the tricky part. The EA saved my marriage, b/c it gave my H the wake up call he had needed. He ignored me for years, blew me off when I asked for counseling, etc. I bent over backwards to do everything for him, to make him love me, the more I did, the more he took advantage of it and the more resentful I became. I fell in love with someone else, b/c the other person fed all the needs I had. There is an old saying, pay attention to your partner, or someone else will.

 

Now, I am not advocating an affair at all. Although my H and I have an amazing relationship now, it took over a year of counseling and a LOT of pain to get here. I was crushed having to leave the OM, whom I loved very much, the OM was crushed, my H was hurt...

 

Your H needs the shock of that wake up call, and considering I spent four years trying to get my H to hear me, I don't know what that is, or how to do it. I have asked my H what I could have done to make him understand, and he says he honestly doesn't know. He simply didn't realize how big a deal it was for me until he found me in an EA with another man, ready to leave my marriage. That is what you are going to have to find out, before you end up divorced or in an EA too. You need to figure out a way to make your H understand BEFORE you meet someone else, which inevitably you will do.

 

This is why the whole 'go out and do your own thing' makes me nervous. When you go out and meet new people you like and have things in common with, while you are sad and lonely and miserable in your marriage, its not a big jump to developing feelings for one of these new people. You are very vulnerable. Please do something now, don't spend years like I did. I know how much it hurts.

[Island Girl]

What a particularly female, "waiting for Prince Charming", point of view. If you are married to a "great guy", as measured by "what he does", don't you have a responsibility to derive some love, want and appreciation from that foundation? Happiness is not something your mate delivers to you like a take-out pizza, it also takes some work on your part to additionally find out what best serves your partners needs. I'm guessing that, like most stories, there's two sides to this one...LVspecB

 

Absolutely wrong. It is not a "waiting for Prince Charming" point of view AT ALL.

 

As I originally stated -- the things YOU put down as a great husband wouldn't be in my book. That would be a financially stable - good on paper husband. The GREAT husband part comes in the relationship with me - I don't care if he is Donald Trump - the money and "good on paper" things aren't what makes a woman stick around. It is the caring, love, and support. If that is missing it doesn't matter how good on paper he is. The FEELINGS make him a GREAT husband or not.

 

Before you say it --- YES the same goes for her, he should feel loved, wanted and appreciated too.

 

In this case he gets a lot of effort extended to him so I'm sure he is just like the Cheshire Cat - smiling - but she isn't. So she has a problem HE is not addressing. Again I don't care how great he is with family or what a provider he is - it isn't going to work if she doesn't feel he even cares when she is around or not.

[LVspecB]

First off, LVspecB, I have to disagree with just about everything you have said. Why is it when a man posts about how his wife had lots of sex with him before marriage, but the day after she decides no more for YEARS, everyone, including women, support that man in his frustration. But a woman posts that before marriage, her husband was caring and emotionally attentive- afterward he is distant and unresponsive, and now she is the whiny, needy b*tch? Nice double standard.

It may suprise you, your Tulipness, but I do agree with you - to a certain extent. Let's go back to your sexual example. If you have sex 5 to 7 times a week during those romantic courtship times, should the husband feel neglected if the same frequency doesn't exist after 5 or 10 years? My point is simply that relationships evolve and one is well served by understanding the changes that result. This is one of those instances where it would truly be interesting to hear the husband's tale...

 

LVspecB