Is it weird NOT to fight?

[naolis1234]

My boyfriend and I will have been together for two years next month, and we've never had a real fight over anything. Is there something wrong with that?

 

We both like to avoid confrontation, but it still seems like something should have come up by now.

 

It's been a long distance thing for the past year, but we'll be in grad school at the same place in three months. I have no desire whatsoever to break up with him. I think what I want is for us to have a real argument and see what happens before I pack up and move.

 

My boyfriend is a really nice guy, and I'm very happy in our relationship. I think I just need some reassurance that things are as okay as they seem.

 

So I guess my question: What's crazier? Not arguing-- or wanting to argue?

[dgiirl]

I think it's important to look at the reasons why you do not argue. My exh and I barely fought, mainly because he avoided confrontation. After 8 years, he left me just out of the blue. Appartently, because he avoided confrontation, never spoke up for anything he wanted, he felt neglected and built up a lot of resentment towards me. Avoiding confrontation is not healthy.

 

You do not necessarily need to get into an arguement to have a healthy relationship either. You just need to both agree to speak up if something is bothering you. To promise not to let things fester and erode the love. You both need to learn to ask questions and listen to the response.

[riobikini]

re:

 

naolis1234: " So I guess my question: What's crazier? Not arguing-- or wanting to argue? "

 

Not being able to "put 'em up" when you have something worth defending/fighting for can turn you into so many feet of carpet that gets trampled on way too often. And it causes resentment to build towards your partner, and helps to etch away your self-respect.

 

None of that is ever good for a relationship.

 

As for the other side of the coin and "wanting" to argue -it depends on whether you truly have something that needs to be confronted, or whether you fall into a lesser compassionate or "non-thinking-quick to react" category of individual with a low tolerance for peace and quiet.

 

(Smile)

 

Some people just like to see what happens when they push somebody's buttons.

 

Some feed off the high drama of emotional argument.

 

Some are just downright cruel and love to bully others.

 

As for myself -I hate the drama. If there's something that's bothering me about someone, it usually falls under one of two headings: something that requires confrontation immediately, or something that I have to take a bit more time with to study to believe I'm seeing it right, before considering a confrontation over it.

 

I try to give all the benefit of the doubt that I can -even stretching out the time I take to ponder over it (sometimes, a little too long; one of my many, many faults).

 

Still, I don't like yelling, screaming, crying, sobbing, door-slamming arguments- and except for a few episodes of that when I was a hormonally-challenged teenager- I have conducted only a rare one or two of the circumstances in my adult life with that kind of behavior.

 

It simply doesn't "work" for me.

 

My dad was a quiet man and I learned a lot about how to deal with confrontation from him.

 

My mom -on the other hand- constantly challenged others in her behavior and with what she said, a good deal of the time.

 

My dad was a very calm, reserved kind of guy -intelligent, and always seemed to have a good grasp on nearly any situation the moment he approached it.

 

It took a lot to push *his* buttons. My mom seemed always intrigued by that -and was always looking for ways to cause him to lose his "cool".

 

And there were times he did.

 

Everyone has a "breaking point", but in regards to those who frequently find themselves embroiled in argumentive conflict with others, I personally think it's a problem that goes far beyond the problem you *think* you have with someone, if you just *have* to *have* a dramatic, emotional confrontation.

 

In your case, I think it's more about wanting to know how deeply your boyfriend cares for you -but there are other ways to know that without having a highly emotionally charged argument that could possibly cause more damage than good -and be more than you wanted to bite off, after all, in order to get your confirmation of his love for you.

 

Arguing is a form of communication -yes- and it's not always negative- but why not learn to confront and communicate your concerns to him without adopting the idea that it *must* be in argumentative form?

 

Just an idea -but maybe one that's worth rolling around.

 

(Smile)

 

Take care.

 

-Rio