vanButterfly Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I wrote a post about No Contact and how it wont always be a good thing if you have been in a long relationship. (And mine was only 14 months long). http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t99801/ So I believed in what I thought and yes - my ex and I are trying again. I know for a fact 500% that if we did not have any contact, that we would not be willing to try again. It's not about 'they dont care' or 'they dont love you', it's about a human being accepting that it's over and moving on, even if they feel pain. If you have No contact, then both are able to move apart from each other successfully in the shortest time possible. Anyway, saying all this, I'm definately not jumping up with joy and telling everyone that we are back together. No. I havent told my family and I wont for some time. I only spoke about this to one close friend. I dont feel that I have 'achieved' anything, and I am not in a state of relief. This wasnt a game of NC for me. The feelings that both my ex and I felt the past 2 months apart were intense, extremely upseting, and caused quite a lot of pain and prompted us to think about things deeper. This doesnt change in a day, a week, nor the next month. "Getting your ex back" isnt a game. It involves two people with feelings and when you are spending time together again, it can still be a very confusing time. Confusing because you have had a break from each other and you need to give each other lots and LOTS of space and time to get close again. When I say I dont believe in NC, I dont say that you can call him every day and email him and blah blah blah. Give BOTh of you space to think. Let them do what they want. YOU do what you want, but leave them out of it. I even started spending time with another gentleman before this point. My ex started flirting and spending time with another woman. Neither of us jumped in bed with them. We didnt need this and it wouldnt have helped the situation but mess our heads. My ex was extremely angry at me when I initially mentioned that in order to move on I couldnt keep in touch right now. He couldnt believe that after all we had that I wanted to not speak to him. He felt rejected and a lot of other emotions. It would be quite easy for him to use that anger to walk in the other direction if I decided on no contact. At the end of the day I understood that I loved this man, and then it gave me the strength to back off and not feed my own emotional needs. I started my own hobbies and my own life. He did the same. We both realised that we were missing from our lives and that our feelings were still as intense about each other and that we both wanted it to work. He said that this space let the anger about our issues calm down. Remember this for your own case. So no sunny skies yet for a while, but I think everything will be ok. Understand WHO your ex is and how he works and what makes him tick. Then you will understand what he feels for you (actions are louder than words) and why he would want to keep contact with you. You dont want to be taken advantage of. Even if they tell you that they love you and care so much for you like my ex did (without me ever asking), they can be in a state of 'missing you and needing affection'. Look after yourself. If you are happy yourself, the world is attracted to you.
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 congrats. nice to hear good stories such as yers. all the best.
Guest Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Boy, good thing you avoided no contact. You might have missed out on true happiness with this gem of a catch.
Beee Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 vanbutterfly, I'm so glad I'm not alone in not believing in NC. I understand its purpose and the need for it under certain circumstances but what if you don't want someone completely out of your life.... I'm really glad that things are looking a little brighter for you. wish you all the very best
Josalina Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 i am pleased it worked out for you in the end, take care.
uncertainofwhoiam Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 Vanbutterfly: thank you - your message is the first one I have read on here that I feel like I can hold on to and just let this run it's course - to know I can call him and let him know I am not giving up - or turning my back on him during one of the most difficult times in our relationship is exactly what I have wanted to do - For some reason I allowed myself to get so caught up in what is right and what the rules are - only to learn from you - there is no one way - or right or wrong. I should (and usually always do) trust my own instinct - this is new for me - first BIG break up and I have faith that our 5 years together will be enough to get us through him needing this time to heal and figure things out. please know how much you helped me. I feel like you are a friend and appreciate you sharing your thoughts. My friends all have their own versions of what I should do - but yours feel right.
inde4544 Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 what about in my situation the ex tells me she loves me but she has a new bf. it seems she is confused. I decided I will be an adult about the situation and be friends with her but not on the same level obviously. I just dont ever see it working out again though. Any thoughts on that?
Art_Critic Posted October 15, 2006 Posted October 15, 2006 It involves two people with feelings and when you are spending time together again, There is the key.. in most breakups one of the two parties wants to move on and stay broken up and also they don't want to talk to the other party.. So nc is the only way to heal and move on. You are correct that the only way two people get back together is talk to one another and deal with the relationship but it only works when the 2 people actually speak to one another. Consider yourself lucky that your guy actually wanted to talk with you about your relationship and work on it.. that isn't the norm..at least that isn't the norm in my past..
D-Lish Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 I have to agree with Art critic on this one. It is usually one of the parties that initiates NC because they don't want to remain involved in any way shape or form with the other person. I have moved back into very light sporadic contact with my ex...sometimes he responds, sometimes he does not. His way of both punishing me and releasing me I feel. I'm not holding out for any miraculous outcome here. I used to dream of him knocking on my door with flowers and tears "take me back" kind of scenario. Now, I am just tired of working so hard to get a fleeting response. I've had some dates in the meantime- and it distracts me from my ex. I think that eventually I'll be completely over it- and I think it is the NC that will help with that. But good for you girl- glad that you are working through things with your ex- albeit slowly. I wish you the best! D
KNE10 Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 Every situation is different. The problem is that if you are doing no contact for the wrong reasons you are likely to get messed up instead of healing. I got on the bitter end of limited contact and this really affected my healing as it is almost 5 months and it still hurts like hell. My ex was willing to talk in the past 3 weeks but she was not genuine. She was just pretending so that she didn't feel bad. And at the end she hurt me again by telling me nasty things that i didn't need to hear. Others succeed. No contact is an advice for clearing your head and regaining self respect. I believe it shouldn't be used in all cases and i guess no one can give foolproof advise on whether to practice it in any given situation if you want your ex back. However if someone feels confused and weak, definitely no contact is the way to go.
Art_Critic Posted October 16, 2006 Posted October 16, 2006 but she was not genuine. that is normally the case.. They don't care how much they hurt you by not telling you the truth.. Remember that you are better off without someone like that.. it is their loss..
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