mind says one thing heart says another

[leftone]

recently ended it with my GF of 5 years and its killing me. ever since February its been a challenge. long story short, she met somebody else and found the excitement with him that i guess for a long time she had been missing with me. we originally took a break in May because she didn't know what she wanted anymore. there was a lot of back and forth, getting close then pushing away and it was torturous. this was the worst summer of my life as i sat around waiting for her to make a decision. alot of stuff happened that should've made me leave but yet i stuck around because my mind would say to let go but my heart would tell me to hold on to the hope.

 

just recently i couldn't take it anymore and i told her its either him or me. you have to pick one. if you pick him then i'm gone, if you pick me then he's gone. i asked her who she'd rather lose in her life and she said that she'd rather lose him. that she wanted me in her life more. so i told her that her words mean nothing to me and that actions speak louder than words. so she said that knows that and that she'll show me.

 

i must say it didn't feel right because she looked miserable and seemed like she was forcing herself to be happy with me. And yes, i did make her decide and yes i was happy that she chose me but at the same time, i didn't want her to be miserable with me and without him. I'd rather her be happy with him and without me. If she's not happy then what would be the point. Anyways, this past weekend we went away on a mini vacation and i guess for her it was a test to see if there was something left. she was affectionate towards me, and for me it felt good again. I thought we were gonna get back together and actually be happy. when we got back home she had that look on her face like she wanted to say something. we were lying down on the bed and i was holding her and she said that this right now feels very comfortable, but i don't feel any excitement. she said that when i "touch" her she feels weird and she can't picture being intimate with me. she ended up saying that if i think it'll work then sure, lets get back together. so obviously, my heart does want to stay with her but more for the reasons of love not the fear that we'll no longer be in each others lives because that's what the reasons seems to be.

 

i love her with all my heart and wish i could change how she feels but i know that its impossible for me to do that. i asked her if this was it? is this finally the solution and the end to our seemingly endless cycle. she said yes. for now. now i'm in so much pain and i've started NC which i'm struggling with because i miss her in my life already. i guess it would've been much harder for us to be back together with her still having feelings for this guy. so here it is, my mind says letting her go is the best thing, but my heart says hold on to her any way you can, as a friend or as something. i've tried being just her friend and it was hard but just being able to talk to her somedays or being able to hold her somedays gave me comfort.

 

its real hard for me to focus on anything else in my life right now. i think of nothing but her when i'm at work and i'm doing everything i can to accept this and let go. its so hard!! it does get easier right? i keep thinking, maybe if its NC for a while she'll miss me and miss what we had. am i just setting myself up for disappointment by thinking this?

 

any feedback / advice / words of wisdom are appreciated

 

thanks

[Guest]

that just happened to me this past weekend, and i still dont know how to reover either, but my ex met this new guy when she was still with me. and when she called him over the fone, she broke up with me. and i tried hard to get back with her, telling her that i dont get what she did, just give me a chance, things will get better because she lost the feeling and shes stressed and doesnt wanna be in a relationship. i made her kick it wid me at a bar and restaurant, i got mad and drank, then i vented out in the front with a couple of my friends.

 

it felt better for me, so maybe u can try it. like my worries and everything went away. it still hurts me, when i think about her, but it doesnt hurt as severly. i got drunk last night.

 

also, keep the NC going. its her choice to get back with you ryte? maybe this way, she'll notice what you did and meant for her. if she doesnt, then she didnt love you as much as u did. but getting drunk, crying it out, worked for me. and working out too, ull look so much better for the next one. lol

[leftone]

yeah..i'm sticking to NC but its so damn hard. trying real hard to accept the reality that its over and that no matter what i do or say, it won't change a thing.

 

havin a hard time cause i know that she's happy with this other guy now and here i sit grieving over the loss of our relationship. i've tried to "keep busy" but no matter how many people i'm around or who i'm with, my mind is constantly on her and what we had and even worse...what she has with him now. i know it does no good and i'm trying real hard to focus on other things like ME but she was such a huge part of my life that thinking about her is second nature. Its only been 3 days of NC and my heart is dead. My head hurts so much and i've barely eaten. I guess this is just my grieving phase but does it get better? hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.

[Guest]

Hey man, I'm sorry you're going through this. Unfortunately, breakups happen all the time and you have to hurt over it or you wouldn't be human.

 

Don't chase a woman who's pulling away from you. Let her go and be a stronger man on your own.

 

She may be one of those people to learn what she lost in you, but only if you let her lose you. That whole "excitement" BS fades over time, in any relationship. It's impossible for an old car to have that "new car" smell after using it for years. She has to ask herself whether chasing that "excitement" is what will make her happy or if she thinks that long-term, committed, emotionally and sexually satisfying relationships can make her happy. Because if they don't, she will eventually leave the other guy too. And then the guy after that. And so on.

[Island Girl]

Unfortunately she has lost some repect for you because you were willing to stick around to let her make up her mind.

 

The ultimatum came too late. It should have come right when she said she had feelings for someone else. Right then -- as much as it would have hurt -- you should have said, "then go be with him. I am not going to sit around and wait for you nor do I want you with me when part of you is longing to be gone. So be gone."

 

Like a band-aid, it hurts more right at first but you are over it faster than suffering through what you have for an entire summer -- months of being unhappy while waiting and wondering.

 

Then NC. Absolute NC. She would miss what was keeping her on the fence with being with you in the first place and then when she came back you could do the "let's start over" thing but make her work a little bit to get you back. So that when she has you back she appreciates you again. Peachy.

 

But that isn't what happened. Unfortunately because you were willing to wait around she has lost some of the respect for you as a man.

 

The only way you can get it back is to frankly tell her you aren't putting up with this. You don't want her in your life if she doesn't want to be there - WARNING: if she says "but I do want to" tell her "no you don't and since you can't make up your mind about it I'm doing it for you" - then tell her good-bye give her all of her stuff so she has no reason to contact you and go NC.

 

The reason you don't let her stay even if she says she wants to -- is because YOU KNOW she is still questioning, not feeling it, and lingering with constant doubts. This is a death sentence to the relationship if she is allowed to continue. Whatever is still there will just continue to wither away and die. Then, there will be nothing left to save so you might as well try salvaging what you can at this point. It is your only hope.

 

 

If she comes back, and she just might from the sound of this, then you make her work to be back with you. Meaning, you start slow and let HER gush about missing you, etc. You don't say any of that. Let her think it is taking time for you to get to that point again so she values the relationship more than she does now.

 

If she doesn't come back at least you are starting the getting over her part now and not later. That means it'll be over soonedr and you can get on with finding someone who appreciates you and ALL of you.

[leftone]

its true...i shouldn't be chasing a woman who's pulling away.

 

it is unfortunate and i do realize that she did lose some respect for me but im more disappointed that i lost respect for myself and allowed this **** to go on as long as it did.

 

i already did tell her that i ain't havin it. i told her last monday when it ended that this is it, you wanna be with him then be with him....i'm gone. i told her that i can't be her friend or be in her life in any way at all. she did say she wanted to but for sure there's no way i could.

 

some moments i feel strong and feel alright....and then other moments..i'm just breaking down. i dunno what'll happen in the future but i have to let go of the hope that she'll come back. i really want to believe that she will but this whole summer has been about holding on to hope only to get crushed.

 

i feel better letting it out here and also getting the support from all you beautiful ppl. makes me feel like i'm not alone....

[Rooster_DAR]

Why does this seem like it's happening everywhere in the U.S.? Not to sound biased, but it seems to be mostly women that don't know what they want. Everyday I see a new post from a guy going through this exact same torture, and I myself just recently had a woman do this to me.

 

Women seem to now get unhappy very quickly, and look in someone else's back yard for a quick solution. I really am quite scared to even consider commitment in light of this explosion of uncommitment and infedelity. I understand there are good women out there, alot of them are on this site but there are so many that are having these issues, and I mean a many. I have watched close friends and colleagues go through this, and it has nearly ruined them emotionally.

 

Also, I have had a couple of women want to date me recently, and later I find out they are married or have a boyfriend when they initially told me they don't. WTF is going on with this CR**?

 

Sorry, just don't get it.

 

Regards,

[Island Girl]

it is unfortunate and i do realize that she did lose some respect for me but im more disappointed that i lost respect for myself and allowed this **** to go on as long as it did.

 

But now you are getting it back.

 

i already did tell her that i ain't havin it. i told her last monday when it ended that this is it, you wanna be with him then be with him....i'm gone. i told her that i can't be her friend or be in her life in any way at all. she did say she wanted to but for sure there's no way i could.

 

Much smarter too. So all is not lost. You have regained some footing and are headed in the right direction - out the door. Good for you.

 

The whole being friends thing just doesn't work. You don't want to hear about her life and all aspects of that so don't subject yourself to it.

 

If the is any inkling of hope out there -- being friends kills it. She gets all the things she'd miss about you - so what she gonna miss and come back for?

 

i some moments i feel strong and feel alright....and then other moments..i'm just breaking down. i dunno what'll happen in the future but i have to let go of the hope that she'll come back. i really want to believe that she will but this whole summer has been about holding on to hope only to get crushed.

 

All of those feelings are what everyone feels when they've cared for someone and that person has messed with their heads. She shouldn't have kept you hanging. Selfish. Selfish. Thinking of herself not anyone else. So now you are thinking about yourself -- there'll be good days and bad days but the good days come more frequently and the bad days'll be fewer and farther between.

[Rooster_DAR]

She shouldn't have kept you hanging. Selfish. Selfish

 

Unfortunately, poeople are selfish and never own up to their behaviour. We had 2 recent threads on LS where several women were too afraid to tell their S/O's they wanted to break up, and there final decision was to wait to see if their new lover was going to pan out first, or they simply were just trying to put the S/O through hell so they would leave on their own.

 

What a bunch of B/S

[leftone]

island girl....thx for reminding me that i am on the right path. its rough right now i'll admit and ur right..i'm sure that as time goes on these bad trips'll be few and far between.

 

ur right, i don't want to hear about her life or know anything that's going on. its a little tough in a sense that i work with her sister. i see her everyday and they share clothes so sometimes i'll see her sister and be reminded of my ex.

 

i miss her guys.....but at least going through this makes me realize that yes i can live life without her or at least i'm getting there (i hope)

[Rooster_DAR]

island girl....thx for reminding me that i am on the right path. its rough right now i'll admit and ur right..i'm sure that as time goes on these bad trips'll be few and far between.

 

ur right, i don't want to hear about her life or know anything that's going on. its a little tough in a sense that i work with her sister. i see her everyday and they share clothes so sometimes i'll see her sister and be reminded of my ex.

 

i miss her guys.....but at least going through this makes me realize that yes i can live life without her or at least i'm getting there (i hope)

 

You will miss her for quite a while, I totally understand.

 

Keep you head up, things will get better.