OK enough of my thread "is it finally over.

[ilmw]

Yes being somewhat proactive does help, more importantly, is that I know where I stand legally with the situation and what my responsibilities are if this ever does go to court. The Sep agreement we originally signed had a few minor problems according to the Lawyer but generally she thought it would hold up in court if need be.

 

As far as the counsellor goes, it was a tough session, and he did make some very quick judgemental suggestions to me regarding my situation. Basically telling me to divorce her get on with my life and forget about it....

Oh yeah as if that's going to happen.

 

Wanna know something really weird, if possible, I would like to keep things the way they presently are in that we're separated, she lives away from here and eventually I get totally used to it and move on to the point where someday I decide I want the divorce simply because we have both totally 100% moved on. Is that realistic? I think so, but it will take a long time, but at least the aggrevation of the divorce might be a lot easier to swallow then. Not sure, right now it just doesns;t feel right, I know it will someday but not right now..

 

Again heart ruling over head.................

But I'll keep trying to get the head to win out.

 

CC

 

My mother and dad were seperated for over 12 years.. the "D" did not happen until my mom met my step dad... and they became serious.... (ie... wanting to get hitched.. )

 

All through that time... my father had a chain of (friends... ) I have a half sister and brother out in BC somewhere... ... so he kept himself busy...

 

That was back in 1990... They have been together ever since... and my mother is very happy now...

 

So... there is no real rush to get divorced... Which allot of people seem to do.... (fast food society and all)

 

I guess altimately its up to the individual...

 

Take care eh... and good to hear about the counselling.. (except what sounds like a little bit of a snap decision from your counseller)

 

BTW... when I went for some personal couselling... my counseller said nothing... about my relationship... he only talked about.....me. Which I felt was great.... as I was there to help myself.... and not feel judged or be given an opinion based on half the equation...(DW not being there)

 

ilmw

[Ladyjane14]

Wanna know something really weird, if possible, I would like to keep things the way they presently are in that we're separated, she lives away from here and eventually I get totally used to it and move on to the point where someday I decide I want the divorce simply because we have both totally 100% moved on.

 

I'm in agreement with Gunny. You'll be ready... when you're ready. And not a minute before.

 

That said, I don't disagree with your counselor either. Every day that you spend in limbo is a day that you could've been doing something else. I don't want you to ever look at this time in your life as "wasted time". Time's too precious for that.

 

So, while you're mulling things over.... make sure you recognize the value of Canuck's investment in TIME. Recognize it with the same level of importance that you attribute to every other aspect of the final decision.

 

In this way, you honor yourself as a priority... equal, and therefore just as important as all the other folks you care about. I'm not asking you to put your own agenda ahead of anybody else's.... I just want you to make sure you're allowing yourself 'equal billing'.

[dgiirl]

Yes being somewhat proactive does help, more importantly, is that I know where I stand legally with the situation and what my responsibilities are if this ever does go to court. The Sep agreement we originally signed had a few minor problems according to the Lawyer but generally she thought it would hold up in court if need be.

 

This is the main important thing. Just make sure you are protected in your rights, or atleast aware of the potential problems. Fincancially wise, you dont want to be held accountable for your wife's debt. This is probably the main important thing to take care of. Everything else is just technicalities. You are not going to fall out of love with your wife as soon as you sign the dotted lines. It's going to take effort on your part to move on. Sometimes, signing those papers can help you move on if you find yourself holding on too much to the past. I wore my ring for 3 months after he left. I was extremely confused about when and where to take it off. I didnt want to take it off when I was mad or angry. But I kept reaching for it throughout the day. It was my security blanket and I would pray on it and wish for things to be better. I think it held me hoping for the past. In therapy, my therapist asked me when will i take the ring off? I wasnt sure. She asked "Did i still feel married?" I replied yes. And that broke my heart. I was living alone for 3 months, barely spoke a word to my husband, and I still felt like nothing really changed, that I was still married. I realized right then that I was alone for most of my marriage, and that wasnt really what I believed a marriage should be. I then took the ring off, and I was happy because I took it off when I was sad, but not angry.

 

As far as the counsellor goes, it was a tough session, and he did make some very quick judgemental suggestions to me regarding my situation. Basically telling me to divorce her get on with my life and forget about it....

Oh yeah as if that's going to happen.

 

Remember, if you are not comfortable with this therapist, you should look for another. I got lucky with the first person I tried, but I could see where you really need to find the right person you connect with. Of course you should give it a chance, but if they are trying to force ideas onto you that you are not ready to accept, it's time to find someone else.

 

Wanna know something really weird, if possible, I would like to keep things the way they presently are in that we're separated, she lives away from here and eventually I get totally used to it and move on to the point where someday I decide I want the divorce simply because we have both totally 100% moved on. Is that realistic? I think so, but it will take a long time, but at least the aggrevation of the divorce might be a lot easier to swallow then. Not sure, right now it just doesns;t feel right, I know it will someday but not right now..

 

CC, honestly, there is no right nor wrong, it's whatever _you_ need to do. You dont want to be made to feel like a sucker, so I strongly urge you to protect yourself legally, but after that, it's all your emotions. Just please dont let yourself hope that by her not filing it's some way to hope that she is not moving on either. I found myself hoping a lot when my exh wouldnt file. I was hurting myself a lot. So I needed to file. But I filed when I was ready. Before that tho, I made certain that my joint bank account was closed, and he no longer had access to my money. I also changed the locks on the house. He wasnt coming in or removing anything from the house unless I knew about it. Legally, you're not allowed to do that, but f*ck that My safety is a lot more important than the laws. However, I was extremely flexible too. If he wanted something, I gave it to him.

[Sup]

Hey MAN, can't you force commit your soon to be EX to a mental hospital, and as this happens, file for divorce. I don't know the laws on this, but if her safety or someone elses is in question why not? You could think of it as your LAST attempt to get her help as you're moving on. Even if she was to get better, DON'T take her back, You've suffered enough at her hands.

[CryingCanuck]

In an earlier post I mentioned that my XW's brother called me from New Zealand to talk to me about what she and I are going through. He mentioned that their other brother is in severe mental distress, well my XW called me yesterday to tell me she had to rush to our hometown to deal with her bro's problem, apparently he has totally gone out to lunch and they are trying to get him committed to a mental hospital.

 

I wondered " you sure just HIM?" well anyway I listened told her, gave the customary "I'm sorry" then left it at that, I haven't had contact in her for almost two weeks and then she calls me about this.

 

She mentions that looking at her bro's problems she wonders if maybe she needs more help than she realized? YOU THINK ????

I simply told her that I messed up big time and I'm sorry but it's over, and told her that if she thinks she needs additional help to get it and not putz around anymore.

 

A very weird conversation, my boys simply asked me the same question I'm asking myself, why the hell call me? as if I would care after all I've been through?

 

CC

 

Just a rant I guess.

[dgiirl]

Old habits. You were the one she went to when she was having trouble. She's going to continue to do so until you tell her you are no longer that person for her. It's about setting boundaries.

[CryingCanuck]

guess I should have been a bit more negative eh?

next time

[Gunny376]

In the "Ziggy" cartoon I read today in the papers, it said:

 

"Don't take it personal, it was just your name's turn!"

[dgiirl]

I dont understand why you need to be more negative? I'm just saying that if it hurts/confuses you to have her cry on your shoulder than you need to ask her to stop. Sorry if this sounds harsh but she needs to understand that either you're separated or you're not.

[CryingCanuck]

Since her call two nights ago I've been totally out of whack. Seems like for a while with no contact whatsoever, I start to feel better about myself and the decisions I'm making, then she calls for whatever reason and the doubt, hurt, anger and all the other stuff she has put me through come right back to the surface.

 

I'm obviously a major sucker for this and I bet she knows it and I'm her leaning board, hell I've been that for how many years now. Anyway, I'm back to getting stronger and moving forward and that's really what's important here.

 

I'm still thinking of my life without any contact with her or at most something quick fast and to the point then goodbye, and not feelings at all, but that will take time and maybe never come but I ahve to work towards that or I know I will drive myself nuts.

 

So D you're you say what you think I need to hear, it help and it does get me back on track a little faster with less hurt... So Thank YOU dear lady.

[dgiirl]

CC, I was on that rollercoaster for a really long time. Read my history and you'll see me going through the exact same ups and downs you're going through right now. I mean, just 4 months ago, before the house was sold, I still found myself with false hope. He would come over to mow the lawn and I'd be spying on him through the window. Hoping and praying. And I felt like an idiot for hoping. The only thing that kept me sane was NOT thinking about the future nor the past. Not thinking about "the end". Maybe she will come back, maybe she wont. At times I needed to have hope, because the alternative would take me down a _really_ dark hole. I knew that. So you do what you need to do to handle today. And let tomorrow take care of itself.

 

Just have faith that no matter what, you will be ok! Trust me on that one!

[CryingCanuck]

Either you are reading my mind or what I'm going through is so similar to most that I don't even know it.

 

Actually I really don't think about her coming home, really I don't I still think of her as my wife which is BAD, but not the way I should either. The stuff she has pulled I've even convinced myself that since we had signed the sep agreement she was within her rights but still married so it was wrong but that's nitpicking at this point.

 

I don't want her back, what I want is my marriage and that's wrong too.

Anyway I am slowly moving forward with some backward movement but I'm making priogress and that's what counts right?

 

Guys, I know I've said this before but I'll say it again, most of you here have or are going through what I am and I thank you all so very much.......

 

Have a wonderful weekend all..

CC

[dgiirl]

I don't want her back, what I want is my marriage and that's wrong too.

Anyway I am slowly moving forward with some backward movement but I'm making priogress and that's what counts right?

 

It absolutely counts!

 

And I'll even challenge you and ask do you really want what your marriage was, or do you want what you hoped your marriage would be? For me, I mourned more of what I wanted my marriage to be, than what it actually was. I wanted my h to love me, to want to share his day with me, to call me up to say he loved me. I mourned all of that, things that never did happen, as opposed to what really did happen, him locking himself in his room playing computer games till late at night, then coming to bed after me being asleep for hours. I did not mourn him telling me to be quiet if i was still awake by the time he came to bed. I did not mourn him telling me he hates me talking. I did not mourn all the times he bossed me around and told me to fetch things like I was his servant. I did not mourn the feeling of worthlessness i had only around him.

[CryingCanuck]

Not much to bring you to date on, no contact, just two calls in the past month, to talk about finances and the kids. Not that it matters much but I'm pretty sure she's spending her time somewhere else these days, the boys have been calling where she lives and no answer most times, and when there is an answer, she's out.

 

She doesn't check her email either ( kids have tried that too) so I assume (no surprise there) that she's hanging with someone on a regular basis.

 

For my part, I get lonely and sad a lot but hanging in. I think I'm slowly getting to the acceptance stage, no longer wishing for things to be better, things are the way they are and nothing I ever could have done to change

it.

 

Been reading a bit, trying to stay busy, the thing I really hate is that the stress has left somewhat but it's still there, wish it would go too.

With Christmas soon approaching I'm feeling even more uptight, last year was still somewhat normal, but this year will be the first year in 23 that were not together so that is making things a little tough too.

 

I hate this feeling so much, I'm trying to do what is necessary to keep my mind off things, but often it just catches me by surprise.. Driving is one of those times, I think about her and what we've been through and I have to concentrate on other things to stop those thoughts but eventually they go right back to it.

 

Anyway that's it for now...

 

CC

[Ladyjane14]

You're gonna get through it, Canuck. I've got confidance in you.

 

You were married to that woman for an awfully long time, and it's gonna take awhile, that's all. I do believe that you're going to have to give yourself a bit of a mental nudge from time to time in order to get it done though, just to keep yourself from getting bogged down.

 

With Christmas soon approaching I'm feeling even more uptight, last year was still somewhat normal, but this year will be the first year in 23 that were not together so that is making things a little tough too.

 

Have you thought about doing something totally different this year? Maybe avoiding some of the old "traditions"? You could take the boys and do Christmas at Disney or something off-the-wall like that.

[blueberry]

or you could sign up to help out in a local homeless shelter for the day?

 

im thinking of doing that, albeit for selfish reasons! by surrounding myself with people really at rock bottom may help me climb out of my own pit for a while.

[Gunny376]

I've found that the best way to beat "those steadly drepressing, low-down mind mess going through a divorce blues" was to get and stay as busy as possible, especially when it comes to labor intensive the better. I tried to keep my day full and very active.

 

Lady Jane is right, its only a question of time. Its the old E = r equaiton. When you first start out its takes a tremendous amount of EFFORT which yields very little Result, but with the passage of time the equation flips, and looks more like e=RESULTS.

 

Its also one of those "chicken~egg? egg~chicken" type things, in which action must precede the emotion ~ and then with time the emotions will line themselves with the action. Such as when you first start going to the gym ~ you don't feel like it, however if you stick with it long enough the "feeling" will come along.

[ilmw]

Hi CC

 

Good to hear from you..

 

You have coped so far very well.. just do what you have been doing... if it works don't fix it..

 

I think we all have those moments when we freeze for a moment... like a deer in the head lights... (flash backs occur) Like Gunny said (Post Traumic Stress Disorder) Reliving events... reliving emotion.. and feeling.. Then the snap back to reality... can gut you.. (like having a vivid dream.. waking up and realising.... it was only a dream)...

 

Oh well.. gotta keep happy.... tra la la laa la la laaaaa:laugh:

 

Try and sing an old Ren and Stimpy song... "Happy happy joy joy" If that don't put a smile on your face... I don't know what else will... plus you get some compationate looks from coworkers or the general public who think you have sprung a bearing... :lmao:

 

Take care bud... you know you will be ok..

 

ilmw

[dgiirl]

I hate when it just sneaks up behind you and hits you in the face. Had that happen yesterday to me.

 

I was on the metro, having a really fantastic day, and then all of a sudden I started thinking about what I would have to say to the next guy I start dating. So far, I've been really upfront with the fact that I'm separated. But I dont think I have to be so upfront about being divorced. I mean, I dont want the divorce to "define" me, and it's not as important part of my life than what it use to be in the beginning. For me, it's slightly different since there's no kids involved, so my exh is pretty similar to an exbf, and if he was only an exbf then I wouldnt have to mention i had a bf once, atleast in the very beginning stages. lol, I dont know if i'm making any sense. Anyways, i played this whole scenario of when i'd have to tell my future mate and the tears started to fall. It still get's me. Then, of course, last night I had to dream a really intimate moment with my exh. It's weird CC. I remember talking to a guy on a divorce forum and he mentioned that he still gets hit with the reminders 5 years later, and he was already in another happy relationship. I dont think they ever go away completely, but they do deminish. And how we learn to manage these moments, and learn how to bounce back to normality is what is important and defines our strength.

 

CC, you really got to start living life and start challenging yourself. You have a chance to redefine your life and yourself and make _anything_ happen. You gotta fake ethusiam till you make it and you might need to get overly excited over little trivial things. But the more you get excited about trying even the smallest things, you'll start to enjoy life again. And with time, the more "good" moments you experience, the more happy memories you'll have, the more you'll be happy with the way things turned out! If you look at my life, some might not be so impressed with what I've done. I fake ethusiam a lot of time. But holding onto that ethusiam is what keeps me happy. Yah maybe life with a partner offered me things that I really wanted, and maybe I cant have that now. But on the other hand, if I was still with my ex, i would NEVER have moved. I would never have lived alone. I would never have learned to cook. I would probably not embrace photography as much as I have. I would never have gone to a meetup of 30 people entirely by myself. I would never have driven to Boston or flew to the states by myself. I would never have paid bills or bought my first tv. I simply wouldnt have done many of these things because I relied too much on my exh to do them.

 

For every positive of your old life, replace it with a positive of your new life. Start embracing life like a child again! So many new things to try As for xmas, do something totally out of the norm. Like LJ suggested, go to Disney or Europe or Detroit No matter where you go, you can get overly excited about it.

[CryingCanuck]

DG go to detroit? ARE YOU NUTS ? ? ? Only those who have either a death wish or are REALLY sick go there, unless its on the expressways to get out to the burbs.....

 

Thanks LJ Guns and ILMW, I do have to get out of this rut, my Ex sure has been doing well from what I gather so should I.

 

I'm still so unsure about the dating scene, it's not at all comfortable yet and maybe never will be.

 

I did speak to my Ex today,( finances originally then we got on us.) She told me she is seeing someone casually for now... go figure eh? I expected it so it's no surprise.

 

I've spoken to the kids about my feelings, I've been in the dumps since last week when I was in NYC, I love the city and kept remembering a promise I made to my EX about taking her there last year which obviously never happened. I guess the thoughts of things that are not going to be just brought me down.

 

My oldest wrote me the absolutely nicest letter today to tell me just how much he admires me and loves me and that I show such strenght, guess he could tell I've been pretty blue recently...

 

Thanks again guys...

[CryingCanuck]

Hi all, just to give you a quick update on what's been happening in my life.

I'm definitely moving on, my X was here two weeks ago, the visit was stressful but I avoided talking to her like the plague and it went off without any major confromtations. She is here starting this weekend also for Christmas to be with the boys and again I will do whatever I can to make it stress free.

 

On another note, I have met a very lovely lady, yeah me, the guy who said that's the last thing he wants. We have been seeing each other for a little while now and we both enjoy each others company so much. The boys have met her and think she's so sweet. Not sure where or if this will go anywhere, I still ahve a lot of baggage to work through but it's so nice to feel important to someone again and it's been well over a yar since the separation so it is time I really work on myself and stop trying to save something that is dead and will never be.

 

Anyway, to all you guys, I sincerely hope you all have a wonderful Christmas, ( those that celebrate) and have a very safe, and happy holiday season.

 

I'm not leaving here, I do come in but not much to say, I will contribute when I feel I can.

 

C.C.

[Guest]

CC, I was on that rollercoaster for a really long time. Read my history and you'll see me going through the exact same ups and downs you're going through right now. I mean, just 4 months ago, before the house was sold, I still found myself with false hope. He would come over to mow the lawn and I'd be spying on him through the window. Hoping and praying. And I felt like an idiot for hoping. The only thing that kept me sane was NOT thinking about the future nor the past. Not thinking about "the end". Maybe she will come back, maybe she wont. At times I needed to have hope, because the alternative would take me down a _really_ dark hole. I knew that. So you do what you need to do to handle today. And let tomorrow take care of itself.

 

Just have faith that no matter what, you will be ok! Trust me on that one!

 

OMG - I JUST SAID THE SAME THING IN ENOT! LOL

[Guest]

nice to be on the same page again

 

good nite / morning all

 

to the queensway to the tonka santa sprang with his sex kittens

 

lol

 

merry christmas

[Ladyjane14]

What a nice post to read over my morning coffee.

I'm so glad to hear you're doing well, Canuck.

 

I think you're gonna do just fine in this new relationship. You've got alot of new skills at your disposal. As long as you take your time... I don't think you'll have any problems.

 

I'm curious what your STBX wife's reaction has been though. Does she know you've met someone?

 

More often than not, a WS will go nuts trying to elicit new interest once they realize the betrayed spouse has given up and is moving on. I think I'd be careful how much information I let out if I were you.

[dgiirl]

CC, I'm really happy for you! I know you already know this, go slow, but at the same time, enjoy the present moment. Enjoy the time you do have with your boys and this new lady. Let tomorrow work itself out and focus on today. Just for a little while.

 

Merry Christmas!!