dgiirl Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 CC, please stop beating yourself up. You are definitely not nuts for trying to save your marriage. And as a newly single woman myself, I am looking at men with a huge magnify glass and try to see what they did in their past relationships, and I can honestly say that what you've done shows a lot of character. And although you might not be getting rewarded in your current relationship, I bet the next woman will love you for it. It's really hard to move on when you guys communicate as frequently as you do. If I was still communicating with my ex, I dont think I'd be where I am today. So please, keep that in mind, and be patient with yourself. I know you feel like you're giving up if you are the one who actually files, but cc, right now, you are not in a marriage. She broke your marriage and moved away. She's not acting like a married woman, and she flaunts it in front of you too. The divorce is just paper, it's not the actual marriage. Marriage is about two people who choose to share their lives together, who love each other and protect one another. And as much as you want to do that for her, she will not let you and will not return it. Maybe down the road she'll snap out of it. But right now, she has no reason to change if she's not losing you. And I bet you, it will take her a long time to file, and ONLY when it's useful for her, like a remarriage. At first, I had huge issues with my divorce. I felt that filing for a divorce meant that I had to stop loving my exh. And I couldnt fathom not loving him. But I realized that the divorce was meaningless compared to my love and nothing could force me to stop loving him. But I needed to file for a divorce so that I could bring some stability back into my life, so that I could have some peace, and so that I could be rest assured I'd be safe. My exh was here today, gone tomorrow. I had NO clue the state of mind he was in. And I needed to protect myself from that. Your wife is clearly not thinking straight. She's obviously hurting and angry and unfortunately ready to self destruct. You need to legally protect yourself from that, for you and the boys. It doesnt mean you dont love her. It doesnt mean you cannot be there for her when she needs you. All it means is you're not going down with the ship. I strongly believe you should file when you are ready. But it's also time to face the issue. You cannot just keep hoping it will go away. Things need to be done.
Lor Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 CC, I don't know your story.....haven't had time to read the "is it finally over" thread. The phsycological problems that your W has are too big for you to try and handle or deal with--she needs some serious help. Her jumping from bed to bed, being passed around by a bunch of younger guys, then coming to discuss it with you is a cry for help. She is looking for an audience to the drama in her life and as wrong as it may sound, she is enjoying the attention that it brings her. For her to have been raped then not even a month later be looking to "date" again shows her mindset......and its not good. Please don't get me wrong--she didn't ask for it and didn't enjoy it. But in its own way its like Munchausen syndrome.....the need to bring attention on oneself thru horrible means. Honestly, I could see why you would not want to give up on her. In some ways you probably feel like you've failed her, still need to be there for her, still need to try and protect her. Understandable reaction for someone with issues like this. But there is a time when you need to realize that there is nothing else that you can do other than let them drag you deeper into the hell that they are already in and subsequentially make your life part of their life. For your own sanity you would need to let her go. But only when you are truely ready. I am so sorry to read that you have had to go thru this, especially with this many years invested.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 It's only natural you'd want to help her- you were married to her for a long time and you have two children together. Could you rub off a little on my exhusband?? Because even when I recently had a cancer scare he was an unfeeling bastard towards me. Not that I cried on his shoulder, I just said- hey, I have to have this biopsy done and it may be cancer because he had to have the kids that day so I could get it done. You could hear crickets chirping on the phone line. Anyway- she put herself in a bad position. I'm not saying she asked to be raped. But, she put herself in a really bad position. Was it really rape?? I'm not saying it wasn't but she is not the most rational person in the world. She wants to hold onto you because you're comfortable to her. You're meeting some of her emotional needs. She can count on you and she knows this. But yet she still wants to screw around with other guys. See, this is where you need to draw the line. Because she wants to keep you around now while she endures this crisis, but you're not good enough to get back with. Tell her that you're sorry for what's she's been through but you're not going to put your life on hold while she figures out what she wants to do. Besides, although she'll be going through the other legal stuff while doing this- what difference should that make to her?? She's already moved on anyway. So, you'd like to ability to be able to do that yourself as well and you need to move forward in the divorce. That you're sure she understands. Then do it.
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 I called a lawyer recomended to me from two different people, I'll see her and discuss the situation and ask her to prepare the papers. I'm not going to have them served just yet, I'll wait until I know what's happening with the assault case in court and what is happening to her regarding her treatments. A good friend of mine said that my X is taking up too much of my brain space, and that it's time I let a bit out for something else to take it's place. Good advice I think. Today wasn't a great day to say the least, but knowing I'm doing something proactive makes it a bit easier. To some of you who just think that my X is some kind of tramp or slut, read up on childhood sexual assaults and read on what the outcome is before you pass judgement on her actions. A child being abused and parents who knew aobut it and failed to do anything, grows feling worthless and feeling their body is the only thing that people might want out of them.... As far as her being sexually assaulted, there is no doubt in my mind that it happened, she is metally unstable yes but not certifyably crazy, she has made serious errors in judgement and for that she has to live with the outcome, but not having someone assault her she had bruising all over teh inner thighs, what causes that, close your legs tight and have someone try to pry them apart THAT CAUSES THAT. Anyway I appreciate most of the help I've gotten here these past few days. D I will have to do this, I didn't want to, in all my heat I wanted to see if we could work it out, but her self destruct mode kicked in worse than the last time and it won't end until she has hit total rock bottom where she has lost everything including the one maybe only person who loved her. Wart and all. Thanks all CC
Gunny376 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 I called a lawyer recomended to me from two different people, I'll see her and discuss the situation and ask her to prepare the papers. I'm not going to have them served just yet, I'll wait until I know what's happening with the assault case in court and what is happening to her regarding her treatments. A good friend of mine said that my X is taking up too much of my brain space, and that it's time I let a bit out for something else to take it's place. Good advice I think. Today wasn't a great day to say the least, but knowing I'm doing something proactive makes it a bit easier. To some of you who just think that my X is some kind of tramp or slut, read up on childhood sexual assaults and read on what the outcome is before you pass judgement on her actions. A child being abused and parents who knew aobut it and failed to do anything, grows feling worthless and feeling their body is the only thing that people might want out of them.... As far as her being sexually assaulted, there is no doubt in my mind that it happened, she is metally unstable yes but not certifyably crazy, she has made serious errors in judgement and for that she has to live with the outcome, but not having someone assault her she had bruising all over teh inner thighs, what causes that, close your legs tight and have someone try to pry them apart THAT CAUSES THAT. Anyway I appreciate most of the help I've gotten here these past few days. D I will have to do this, I didn't want to, in all my heat I wanted to see if we could work it out, but her self destruct mode kicked in worse than the last time and it won't end until she has hit total rock bottom where she has lost everything including the one maybe only person who loved her. Wart and all. Thanks all CC None of that matters,Bro! Matters not that you loved her, and you're in pain! You're hurting right now! When I went through it, I howled like a wolf, cried! I felt so gutted! I thought the heartache would never end! This to, will pass!
burning 4 revenge Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Yeah, it doesn't matter. And I wasn't passing judgement on your wife, or calling her names, just responding from my gut to the words you wrote. That's our only basis for analysis here. I don't know you or your wife. What I do know from what you tell me is that she wants her sexual independence. And by traditional definition that is not marriage. Now, if you want an open marriage where your wife doesn't respect you and takes off to spend a few months with college boys, because Uncle John had a slow hand....well that's your business. I couldn't handle it though.
ancestra 26 Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 sincerely, anyone here can tell that your wife is found guilty here but i say that you too you are guilty. Indeed when you saw one of the twins in bed, you should have cut any contact with her. this would have been protected you and helped you to heal at the same and taking care of your divorce. But then then no, even with her "rape" i sincerely think that your ex plays with your heart. you should just cut all link with her.
Lor Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 No, she isn't a tramp or a slut. In her mind that's all she thinks she's good for. And you having to stand back and watch her self-destruct is so painful to imagine. You are the good thing in her life but she can't deal with the issues she has so she pushes you away since she probably feels like she doesn't deserve your love or respect. and for you to still be holding on for her....you are truely one of a kind. It's too bad she can't see it. Hang in there.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 To some of you who just think that my X is some kind of tramp or slut, read up on childhood sexual assaults and read on what the outcome is before you pass judgement on her actions. A child being abused and parents who knew aobut it and failed to do anything, grows feling worthless and feeling their body is the only thing that people might want out of them.... Absolutely true. Because that's exactly what happened to me. My mother allowed her husband to sexually abuse me and then told me I was lying. The one person who was to protect me didn't. She even told me that because I had a private school education that he should have been allowed to do so. But yeah, she was mentally ill and abusive herself. The thing is, though CC, she had a man who loved her for more than her body. You, are an incredible man. I can tell by the way you're reacting to her during this that you are. I also never said she was a slut. I said she put herself in a bad position- which is true. I would chance though that you're wife is in a whole world of hurt and is doing everything she can to stop the pain that she's in. When you've gone through this, you have this hole. And you'll do anything to fill that up. It's almost like it never gets filled. Some people choose to fill it with positive things and some people choose to fill it with negative things like drugs and alcohol. But, the sufferer must attempt to keep it filled to keep being able to put one foot in front of the other. I'm so sorry C.
Buttaflyy Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 sincerely, anyone here can tell that your wife is found guilty here but i say that you too you are guilty. Indeed when you saw one of the twins in bed, you should have cut any contact with her. this would have been protected you and helped you to heal at the same and taking care of your divorce. But then then no, even with her "rape" i sincerely think that your ex plays with your heart. you should just cut all link with her. Did you even read the original post? Please do so before adding your two cents.
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 Burning for revenge, maybe if you actually read what I wrote you wouldn't be saying the things you have said. Ancestra26 Right, you're so right.....Read the other posts before you say something as insensitive as that OK? Anna13 I'm maybe the only constant thing in her life that is somewhat normal she is bound to get comfort wherever she can, trust is another matter altogether. Now to those who have offered me support, Thanks, Ms. Pix if I gave you the impression that I thought you called her a slut I apologise, maybe I'm too sensitive... Hey wait I'm way to phuking sensitive... Always have been, maybe that's one of OUR problems...Thanks for your kind words. LOR thanks so much for your kind words.regardless of what my X has done, I'm not faultless in any of this, I did my best and under "normal" circumstances I know we would have fixed this but times are not normal.... I'll learn from this for whomever I love again... CC
ilmw Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 It looks like some of the prior posts have only just gotten the latest of your tail... I suppose if they had been following what you have been experiencing for months like some of us ... they may have been able to provide some useful insight... wow! I would love to give you some golden advise.... but alas... I am lost for words... I re read some of this tread and just had to shake my head... I can not imagine what you must be going through... but following you for the past few months.... all I can say is... you did your best... and for all appearances... are still doing that... Also... through all your W has put you/family through... you still stand by her... I think that is excellent;) .... you can say what you like about your wife... your there... but damn if anyone else will say something! I hope that made sence and you take it the way it was intended... only on few hours sleep.. but wanted to give my 2 cents:o Take care brother... ilmw
Gunny376 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 I for the life of me can't understand some of the posts on here. Its comes down to this: One man ~ dearly loving one woman, who's in crisis mode, who's putting that one man that dearly and truly loves her like nothing else on this Earth, the MOTHER of his children, who he's been with for 23 years through pure, living, never-ending, un-relentless Hell. And its not because she's an evil, malicoius, conieving, selfish bitch, but because some sick, preverted bastard sexually molested her thirty years ago, putting her self worth, her self-esteem, self value as a freaking human being in the sewer system, and she's been fighting against the current of the downward flush since. This is the story of a man whose having to do what he's being force to do for his sons, for his family, for himself ~ and he'd as soon as cut off his right arm himself with a rusty knife than divorce her! CC doesn't want to divorce her! He wants to save her, from herself. CC, You're a MAN! You're a GOOD man! A damn good man! A righteous man! You're putting her, and your Sons, and your family before your wants and needs! You're doing that which you don't want to do! Your doing that which you HATE to do! You're doing what you have to do! Its not pretty, and its damn sure not fun! I'm here for your Bro! PM me if you feel the need!
anna13 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 Burning for revenge, maybe if you actually read what I wrote you wouldn't be saying the things you have said. Ancestra26 Right, you're so right.....Read the other posts before you say something as insensitive as that OK? Anna13 I'm maybe the only constant thing in her life that is somewhat normal she is bound to get comfort wherever she can, trust is another matter altogether. Now to those who have offered me support, Thanks, Ms. Pix if I gave you the impression that I thought you called her a slut I apologise, maybe I'm too sensitive... Hey wait I'm way to phuking sensitive... Always have been, maybe that's one of OUR problems...Thanks for your kind words. LOR thanks so much for your kind words.regardless of what my X has done, I'm not faultless in any of this, I did my best and under "normal" circumstances I know we would have fixed this but times are not normal.... I'll learn from this for whomever I love again... CC She is a lucky woman to have a man like you . I wish you well.
Gunny376 Posted October 14, 2006 Posted October 14, 2006 She is a lucky woman to have a man like you . I wish you well. And you're a good woman, Anna!
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 14, 2006 Author Posted October 14, 2006 Went out to dinner last night with a friend and spent the whole night ( I think) without thinking once about my situation, so yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, and NO it's not a freight train...... Trying something new, everytime I think of the situation I find myself in, I'm going to force myself to think of something else and something happier, and NO not sex...... Guns, you are truly a breath of fresh air, thanks for the invite to PM and I'll probably take you up on it sooner than later.... My X accused me of kicking her when she's down last weekend not even sure what the conversation was about, but one thing I do know, we have way too much contact for us to heal, so when she comes to town to either visit the boys or for her therapy for the assault, she's agreed to come the evening B4, later in the evening, go to her session then head right back out of town. As far as her thinking she wants to (casually date) I can't, won't don't want to stop her, she's a big girl she has already made monstrous mistakes and I tried all along to help her and she wouldn;t listen so I now say good luck with your life. As soon as this mess is done with in the courts, I think I'll be in a place to file. Hopefully I still have the strenght and the sanity. CC
Lor Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 And you're a good woman, Anna! Yes, you are, Anna. You too have a heart of gold and a good strong head on your shoulders. I don't think CC was lumping you in with the other.... ahem....idiot posters on here who have written some seriously stupid and callous comments.....my goodness some of you! Did your parents have any kids who lived?
Lor Posted October 17, 2006 Posted October 17, 2006 Went out to dinner last night with a friend and spent the whole night ( I think) without thinking once about my situation, so yes there is light at the end of the tunnel, and NO it's not a freight train...... Trying something new, everytime I think of the situation I find myself in, I'm going to force myself to think of something else and something happier, and NO not sex...... why not sex? its something else and its something happier! sorry, couldn't resist. When you start thinking of your situation, why don't you try reminding yourself of how you've been there for her, for your kids, how you've held up under incredible pain and suffering, yet still are a good, caring, kind, generous man? Not many men would be able to walk away from what you have without being seriously jaded. My X accused me of kicking her when she's down last weekend not even sure what the conversation was about, but one thing I do know, we have way too much contact for us to heal, so when she comes to town to either visit the boys or for her therapy for the assault, she's agreed to come the evening B4, later in the evening, go to her session then head right back out of town. As far as her thinking she wants to (casually date) I can't, won't don't want to stop her, she's a big girl she has already made monstrous mistakes and I tried all along to help her and she wouldn;t listen so I now say good luck with your life. As soon as this mess is done with in the courts, I think I'll be in a place to file. Hopefully I still have the strenght and the sanity. CC You yourself have had too much contact to try and heal. You are still trying to protect her at the expense of your own sanity, to try and save her. It's like having to knock a drowning person unconscious to bring them in to shore cuz otherwise they'll drown you, too, in their panic. Good luck, CC, and you'll have the strength to get thru this. You've already proven that.
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 17, 2006 Author Posted October 17, 2006 why not sex? its something else and its something happier! sorry, couldn't resist. Because dear lady I would only be using that person and why on earth would I do that, I've enough troubles right now.... You're right about a lot of what you said LOR, thanks. My X's girlfriend (whome she presently shares a house with) called me yesterday at the office, we talked about the problems, and she told me that she told my X that SHE IS CRAZY if she even considers dating someone else for at least a couple of years,,, especially with the things that my X has done recently not including the assault. What she said was obviously 100% different from what my X told me about what her friend said.... Her Friend also told me that she has noticed that my X uses her sex appeal for approval, simple as that, she thinks that my X is seriously troubled and that eventually she will not be able to keep looking out for her as my X listens to only what she wants to hear. It was good to hear someone who actually lives with her say the same things I've been saying... Maybe eventually my X will get help, but I doubt it and really, if I want to keep my sanity I can't care or know anymore.... Thanks again to all of you ( well most of you ) for your kind words and support. CC
Lor Posted October 18, 2006 Posted October 18, 2006 Because dear lady I would only be using that person and why on earth would I do that, I've enough troubles right now.... CC never said it had to be with a real woman..... :lmao: See, told you you're strong and have your head on straight, no matter what you think. As far as your X, sounds like she's the only one who can't see the destructive path she's on. You can't help someone like that who won't even try.
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 28, 2006 Author Posted October 28, 2006 WOW what a ****ing sopa opera. I spoke to my STXW's brother yesterday, he lives in New Zealand and we talked for over an hour about what has been happening. Informed me that he's in my corner but there is nothing either of us can do as she is obviously totally out of touch with reality and that she's severely mentally ill. He also told me that his other brother who is one year younger than my X is in serious mental state also. ( His marriage ended 4 years ago). He was telling me that the two of them have lost all touch with reality. Blaming everything that has gone wrong with them on their spouses and their parents... For my part, I've attempted to try to calm myself down over things but my X put a wrench in the gears this week and I'm now dealing with that also. I saw a lawyer this week and also started to go into therapy for myself. Not a pretty situation but at least I'm being a little proactive instead of siting here feelign sorry for myself. CC
Ladyjane14 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 For my part, I've attempted to try to calm myself down over things but my X put a wrench in the gears this week and I'm now dealing with that also. Sorry to hear that, Canuck. I think it's a good thing that you're getting legal advice as well as counseling. I'm hoping both will help you to feel a bit more emotional supported. I can understand why the idea that your wife is suffering a mental illness makes it difficult for you to set boundaries with her.... but I honestly think it's best for YOU if you do so. You'll do it when you're ready though. It's unfortunate, but there comes a time at which we just can't help our former partner anymore. They're too far gone, and all our "help" only enables them to continue their way down a destructive path. I can't blame you a bit for finding it difficult to let go. You've spent literally decades feeling responsible for her. And it's nearly impossible to be indifferent when you see the one you loved making such a mess of her life. The thing about you, Canuck... is that you ALWAYS seem to do the right thing. And in being "proactive" with legal and emotional counseling, I think you're doing the right thing again. Applause... as always.
dgiirl Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 CC, it sounds like your wife is still on self-destruct mode. You need to realize this and remove yourself from the situation as much as possible. You cannot save her, and the only way to actually save her is to let her fall. I'm glad to see you're going to therapy. I think it will help you a lot to let go of your guilt. And I'm also glad that you are being proactive now. Being in limbo is suffocating. Stay strong!
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 29, 2006 Author Posted October 29, 2006 Yes being somewhat proactive does help, more importantly, is that I know where I stand legally with the situation and what my responsibilities are if this ever does go to court. The Sep agreement we originally signed had a few minor problems according to the Lawyer but generally she thought it would hold up in court if need be. As far as the counsellor goes, it was a tough session, and he did make some very quick judgemental suggestions to me regarding my situation. Basically telling me to divorce her get on with my life and forget about it.... Oh yeah as if that's going to happen. Wanna know something really weird, if possible, I would like to keep things the way they presently are in that we're separated, she lives away from here and eventually I get totally used to it and move on to the point where someday I decide I want the divorce simply because we have both totally 100% moved on. Is that realistic? I think so, but it will take a long time, but at least the aggrevation of the divorce might be a lot easier to swallow then. Not sure, right now it just doesns;t feel right, I know it will someday but not right now.. Again heart ruling over head................. But I'll keep trying to get the head to win out.
Gunny376 Posted October 29, 2006 Posted October 29, 2006 Yes being somewhat proactive does help, more importantly, is that I know where I stand legally with the situation and what my responsibilities are if this ever does go to court. The Sep agreement we originally signed had a few minor problems according to the Lawyer but generally she thought it would hold up in court if need be. As far as the counsellor goes, it was a tough session, and he did make some very quick judgemental suggestions to me regarding my situation. Basically telling me to divorce her get on with my life and forget about it.... Oh yeah as if that's going to happen. Wanna know something really weird, if possible, I would like to keep things the way they presently are in that we're separated, she lives away from here and eventually I get totally used to it and move on to the point where someday I decide I want the divorce simply because we have both totally 100% moved on. Is that realistic? I think so, but it will take a long time, but at least the aggrevation of the divorce might be a lot easier to swallow then. Not sure, right now it just doesns;t feel right, I know it will someday but not right now.. Again heart ruling over head................. But I'll keep trying to get the head to win out. Dr. Phil McGraw says, and I agree that the time to divorce is when any and all issues have been resolved,.....................where your not sad, angry, mad, distraught, .............nothing. That is to say, when you're a peace with it as much as you can and ever will be with it.
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