CryingCanuck Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 The marriage is totally over, has been since February but I still tried as hard as possible not let it be. In my other thread, around the beginning of July I said that Iwent over to my EX's Apt. to help her with her computer and there was a guy sleeping over. She made all kinds of excuses andin the thread I indicated that I said some pretty terrible things. The truth is now out..... My wife has admitted to me only as a result of a sexual attack by one the the brothers of one of the guys she was sleeping with ( the one that I first thought ) both brothers TWINS are 26 she's 47. She also on her own admitted that she has also been having sex with a couple of their friends... I have to put this out in the open now because she was raped three weeks ago by the other "twin" who apparently he and his brother conspired to "do her" to see if she could tell the diffrence. When she realized that the guy she was having sex with wasn't who she thought, she fought tooth and nail and as a result substained injuries, and has now pressed formal sexual assault charges. She was here for the past 6 days and the first three were good, we talked and I showed as much emotional support to her as I could, however on Sunday she tells me that there is now a guy in the city she's living in who wants to "date" her. I told her she's nuts, she has severe emotional problems (read my previous thread to get the picture). We're not divorced and apparently do to the immence stress of her attack, and finding out she has tuned into the "village piece" I was able to hold it together until that last piece of info she gave me. She has now left to go back to her new home, I'm a fool for letting her stay here I know, I haven't closed the door but I know to re open it we would need months and possibly years of therapy for both of us, for which I don;t think is worth the effort. This is sick, maybe I'm as sick as her, NO I havne't gone after someone 21 years younger than me but maybe I'm sick for still tryingto help her. I just learned that a person who has had numerous problems with sex in childhood usually makes it much worse down the road...I'TS SO TRUE... Anyway opened this new thread because in the original I had hope at the beginning then got worse, this thread is to help me totally once and for all move on... I guess like an alcoholic or drug abbuser, you can only help so far then it's up to them.... I'm near the stage of finally getting the divorce papers done, held off due to her attack,but since her annoucement that she is interested in dating someone... I'm not going to be there for her. why should I? Forum now open.... Ladies? What do you think of what she has done and my reaction to it.... Please no sympathy for me, I could have bailed onthis whole sad, sick story in July when I first had the feeling she was with a child....I'm as much toblame as her in that regard. CC
anna13 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I haven't read any of your previous posts but it is amazing to me that you stood by her after all that she did . what a strong man you are. alot of men would bail for alot less. I think she needs alot of help obviously. I think you have done so much more than you needed to and it almost seems while reading your post that she kinda flung these relationships she was having in your face. I am sorry that she was raped but you did the right thing helping her sort through it , you still felt you had responsibility to take caree of her.. she seems scattered , confused and desperate. I definitly thinking that moving on is the right decision for you . divorce will help you start to heal from everything that has been happening this year. this doesnt mean that you have to stop talking to her or what not ( unless you dont want to which i wouldnt blame you ) this just means that you release the marriage. It takes 2 to save a marriage and she definitly sounds like she is already moving forward a little too quckly i think. it is good closure for you( divorce) , a new start for you . I usually would not say to end a marriage but she just sounds like she is oblivious to your pain and she doesnt seem to have a care in the world( exept for what happened to her. it just isnt fair to you at all , to suffer . just remember you did all that you could and more. sometimes it is just time to close the chapter .
Gunny376 Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Just about the time I think it can't get any worse? Gezzzz CC. I know your feeling "gutted" right now ~ but that to will pass, in time. The thing that helped me was getting busy getting busy about my life ~ and falling back into my life. Keep moving and sometimes just being still is still moving to me. You've done any man could do for his wife, children, family. You've done more than most men ~ to include this one ~ would have done. There is life after all this crap, and over the long run it does make you a lot stronger for the experience. Because of this you're going to appreciate a good woman who appreciates a good man when she finds one. You'll be more communicative and aware ~ more concsious of your chioces in the future.
dgiirl Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 CC, I never know what to say. I know you've been through a lot and I know you are angry. Maybe it's time to use that anger for something productive? Maybe it is time to file for a divorce, not to "punish" her but because you really want to move on. Sitting in limbo is the worst feeling in the world. Once I started taking proactive steps in my life, things start to feel a lot better.
Mz. Pixie Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Awful C. Just awful. I'm so sorry. I was abused growing up in every way possible. Often times a woman learns that she is only valuable for one thing from men- and she begins to use that as her means of obtaining what she wants which is love and total acceptance. If those issues are not resolved earlier in life then yes, they begin to rear their head in adulthood. Because you constantly cover them up. You cover them up rather than deal with them. Then, what you were using to cover it up doesn't work anymore, so you go to something else which works for a while, but then it doesn't and you take it to the next thing. Until you run out of things. Then, you are forced to seek counseling. She's obviously in pain but there is not much you can do to help her when she doesn't want to help herself. You've been a good friend and a good husband to her, but I think it's time to move on.
Jodie Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Hello CC, Sorry to hear what happened to your wife. No good for anyone. 1. Do you want to be with a women who sleeps with little boys. Nice. 2. What kind of women tells the one person in her life who loves more than the little boys she is sleeping with that she is interested in someone else. 3. Is her mentallity of a little girl and you as a father that will protect her? Wow, it think that she gave you an answer. She is still married and sleeping with other people. Not good. I know alot of people do that. But I am not one that agrees with that behavior. Your married until your divorced and when that happens then one is free to sleep with whom ever they chose.
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 11, 2006 Author Posted October 11, 2006 was abused growing up in every way possible. Often times a woman learns that she is only valuable for one thing from men- and she begins to use that as her means of obtaining what she wants which is love and total acceptance. Yes that is what she told me a few days ago, that she feels that's all she's good for a good screw....( I asked her if she felt that way about me) DUMB right? Seh said no, but that I made her feel bad in other ways... ..Always someone else to blame..... Sorry to hear what happened to your wife. No good for anyone. 1. Do you want to be with a women who sleeps with little boys. Nice. They weren't little boys... it was a figure of speech.... they were 26 but that's not the point.... Anyway..... CC, I never know what to say. I know you've been through a lot and I know you are angry. Maybe it's time to use that anger for something productive? Maybe it is time to file for a divorce, not to "punish" her but because you really want to move on. I know what you;re saying D... I really do, but I'm not there yet, and I did promise her until after this is over I won;t due to the stress it's causing her... WHAT ABOUT ME.................... Guess I should at least get things ready to move..
dgiirl Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Yes, but if she's ready to "date" then clearly she's ready to finish what she's started. I think you need to sit with her and ask her calmly when will be an appropriate time to discuss divorce proceedings. Yes, you promised her you wouldnt pursue things so she can heal, but you also need to set a timeline so that you're not just sitting there idle and not having a plan.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 This has got to be one of the worst (depressing) threads I've seen. Sorry dude, you deserve better. Regards,
burning 4 revenge Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 This has got to be one of the worst (depressing) threads I've seen. Sorry dude, you deserve better. Regards, Holy sh*t ditto that This is your x of 23 years sleeping with guys who were toddlers when you were engaged. Why do you even want to help her with anything? Be angry, very, very angry, compassion has no place here. Aside from things related to your children, I don't know why you should have any contact with her at all. So she was raped. So what?
Buttaflyy Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I think you need to realize that your ex has problems that you can't resolve for her. Work on moving on. It's like you said, you can't help those who won't help themselves. I think she's being selfish by holding you to this. You can not be her savior, you should wish her the best and tell her that you can no longer be apart of this. Know that you owe it to yourself to take steps away from this mess. No guilt trips. I wish you the best!
burning 4 revenge Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 What gets me is she leans your shoulder for six days and then has the nerve to tell you about some guy she wants to date. OMG. She reminds me of people I know. What was she in the psyche ward for icidentally? BPD?
ilmw Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Oh Crap CC.... I'm so sorry for you bud.... I thought this crap only happened on TV and in the movies... but geeeezzz you are living in it... please take that the right way...k Its just that what you have... and are going through... is so Fu$k that it would seem it could only come from Hollyweird... It just goes to show the calibre of man that you are... to have been there... Also... you have endured more than anyone should have to put up with.. You truly have done all you can do... And... I know you know..you can't help a person who won't help themselves.... Geeeezz... Take care of yourself eh... keep us posted... cause .. you may need the postive support.... even more now...?? Geeezz.. I know I would.. ilmw
Sup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 CC, Procede with the Divorce process, make sure you and your children are protected, make sure your EX doesn't get you for your house, money, cars, anything! I suggest hitting her up for child support. Better go for SOLE custody concerning your children, to make sure their minds are not warped from this. Protect ANY and ALL assests you have. I hope that you have documented EVERYTHING! You'll need it! Contact you lawyer as soon as possible, do ALL of this while her head is still spinning, because she won't fight fair when it comes to you, that obvious. I know your head is spinning too, but if you have been preparing for this day, I think you have been, It's time to implament your plan NOW! Don't wait for her to get her bearings to start, as they say: Strike While The Iron is Hot!
Sup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Furthermore, If you show mercy NOW, she won't! Count on it! I really feel for ya MAN! But now is not the time to sulk, It's time to FIGHT! Shes dragged you through the mud, DON'T let her do it ANYMORE! She started this, YOU FINISH IT!
Author CryingCanuck Posted October 12, 2006 Author Posted October 12, 2006 I know you all mean well, I really do, and you're giving me the strenght to go through with what I have to do. I decided today to AGAIN seek couselling for myself and the boys. BTW they are both young men one 18 the other older and in university so there is no custody issues to worry about, they know who they want and need to live with. I agree that this seems like a sad dirty 10 cent novel that must not be true but believe me it's so true and a living nightmare. I haven't been the best husband in some ways but I married someone who had a sheitload of baggage before I ever met her and I guess in my own way contributed to a lot of it. Love does crazy things to people, and so does anger and fear of being alone, and resentment. We can never come back from this, I know it, but for some sick reason I also haven't let go and neither has she. 15 years ago her Psychiatrist who she was seeing fo ra long time and believed her that I was the cause of her depressions to some extent eventually met with me, and after a number of psych ward visit by my X he realized that what his initial impression of me was false and actually told me so during a private discussion I had with him. I know I'm a good man but I also know that I'm a very F***ed up man these days and I freeze when making this type of decision knowing it will be the total end of our marriage. I was really just hoping to stay separated and eventually we would lose touch with each other but I just don'tknow anymore. A friend that I've been seeing thinks I was nuts to let her come to the house in the first place, and according to my wife she told me her friends said the same thing about us. I guess I'm a coward in not moving forward as fast as I should. I will but not just yet, I know a lot of you must think we derserve each other, me because I seem so gutless in breaking the ties and her for the rotten things she has done over the past 6 months, but as someone said earlier, 23 years, a lot of good ones and lot of great ones and some bad ones are really hard to let go of. I need help in the letting go part, I see her, at first I just want to hold her and comfort her, then after my talking to her she seems to want to simply stick a knife in me. Anyway I do have some very difficult decisions to go through in the next while, cutting my wife loose is one of them... I'll always love her, but you're all so right. It's just so damn hard to follow through, guess deep down I'm as nuts as she is, I should have done this a long time ago. CC
ilmw Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 You are not nuts brother... you have just been in love with the same woman.. longer than some people on LS have been alive.... I still can't imagine what you are going through... and I do not think you are gut less... in fact the oposite... you tried to save your marriage.... so many people just walk away.... no fight... just give up... you fought.. but alas.. you lost.... but as my thingy says at the bottom of my post (not comptetur literate... )... Cowards die many times before their deaths... the valiant taste of death but once.... You my friend are no coward... Get It!.... Be strong... you know you can.... ilmw
Sup Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Just to be sure to protect YOURSELF and YOUR assets, and we're here too. Please let us know if we can do anything. Please keep us posted ONLY if possible.
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 So she was raped. So what? I cannot even believe you said that! That's just so wrong for you to have said that.
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Nuts? Anyone who's been married as long as you have, who has children, who's had the history that you've had with the DW, would probally have done the same thing. I know that I would have. The thing is that you've done all that you can do ~ and continued contract is only making it harder on you and your sons. The fact of the matter is ~ she's moved on. Wheather you want to or not, you've no choice other than to do that same. You can't be married to someone that doesn't want to be married to you. You can't be in a marriage by yourself, and you can't fix a broken relationship by yourself. You just can't do it. I'm not saying go and file for divorce ~ do it when you're ready. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually. You'll know when that is. Aside from the history ~ I think she's having trouble adpating to the concept of getting older. My guess is that back in the day 23 years ago she was a bomb. The 26 year old is her trying to re-validate in her mind that she's as attractive at 47 as she was when she was 27. If such is the case ~ that has nothing to do with you ~ NOTHING! And as such there's noting that you could have nor can do about it! That's an issue that she and she alone can reconcile.
everlong Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 sounds like you did all you could simply because you cared about her but that you have reached a point where you realized that it is up to her to solve things. nothing to be ashamed about. and i don't think it is fair for people to speak poorly of this woman - she obviously has problems - the milk of human kindness goes a long way. don't kick someone when they are down. lift them up and try understanding what they are going through. we are only human after all.
burning 4 revenge Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 the milk of human kindness goes a long way oh, she's been swallowing the milk of human kindness alright
anna13 Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 What gets me is she leans your shoulder for six days and then has the nerve to tell you about some guy she wants to date. OMG. She reminds me of people I know. What was she in the psyche ward for icidentally? BPD? That totally burns me up too . She is just too heartless.
Amber81 Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 I agree with previous post......its time to close this chapter in your life. I can't believe you would even let her back into your home for even 3 hrs let alone what?! 3 days.......wow. that stuff would not and never will fly here. I have been cheated on in previous relationships beings I'm only 25 that isn't many relationships 2 serious to be exact. I have honestly in my life never "cheated" on anyone. I have "kissed" a different guy when I was 15...so come on 15 lets be real here. I say let the door be closed, it will be very hard to move on, I know this. Just a relationship I had for 5 years almost took me a year before I even talked to another man....let her go, you deserve so much better! I promise you one day you will realize you sat and thought about this way too much. What you need is people like us in here to console you when you "feel" the need to see her. Goodluck
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