What do you think the longest the average person goes for without having sex, dates

[Ross_K]

i think it's more of an attitude than anything else. a woman doesn't "smell desperation a mile away" by being close enough to you see if you go too quickly, so she wouldn't know you even did that. it's like we sense it. taking things too far too quickly would be a result of desperation, yes. but how can you do this if you don't get anywhere?

 

 

You're talking about body language when you both first meet right? I thought you may have been at first.

 

Well, I think the only thing they will sense is nervousness, and not being that confident.

 

If I were to be confident with her, well, yes you may be right, but I really don't think they would be able to sense any desperation from me.

 

I mean, there's been a few times where I've been confident with a woman, and to me it really feels like I wasn't giving off any desperation vibes, I mean, I'm not really stood there thinking 'Man, I gotta have this woman. Man, I wish I could have sex with her, I really want her' (I usually feel like this when I'm checking out hot women in the supermarket or walking down the street). I'll be aware that i find her attractive and it would be nice if she shown interest in me or something happened between us, but that's it.

[SmoochieFace]

Well, out of all the places I've worked at, I've made about 3 friends who were girls. But no girl, has ever acted like she was attracted to me.

 

I'm gonna be candid with you, Ross, and this might sting a bit. I may be wrong about what I am about to tell you but this is just my thought on this.

 

I think you are deliberately limiting yourself (getting a job, moving out, etc.) because you are wanting certain things - such as friends, girlfriends, relationships, etc. - to be a 'part of the deal', so to speak. In other words, you are 'expecting' to be able to automatically get those things when you leave your house for work, etc. Just my theory here - and it's based on what I highlighted from your post.

 

So answer this please - are you not out looking for and getting a job because you are afraid that you won't be able to get a friend, GF, relationship, etc. as a 'side benefit'? Are those things more important to you than just having a job, making money, and basically taking care of yourself?

[alphamale]

sex and confidence go hand in hand. women can smell desparation a mile ahead, just as they can see confidence in a man.

man, that's the truth EVERLONG...

[Ross_K]

I'm gonna be candid with you, Ross, and this might sting a bit. I may be wrong about what I am about to tell you but this is just my thought on this.

 

I think you are deliberately limiting yourself (getting a job, moving out, etc.) because you are wanting certain things - such as friends, girlfriends, relationships, etc. - to be a 'part of the deal', so to speak. In other words, you are 'expecting' to be able to automatically get those things when you leave your house for work, etc. Just my theory here - and it's based on what I highlighted from your post.

 

So answer this please - are you not out looking for and getting a job because you are afraid that you won't be able to get a friend, GF, relationship, etc. as a 'side benefit'? Are those things more important to you than just having a job, making money, and basically taking care of yourself?

 

Not really, I'd still really like to have my own place in an area I feel happy in, have a job that I don't mind having, and car, getting out more, going to the pub with a few genuine nice friends a few times a week, etc.

 

But yeah, since I've obviously got issues, I don't think I'd have the strength to reach that goal if there weren't the side benefits of getting girlfriends and getting laid, etc.

[Noos]

Ross et al

I think the problem Ross has with the whole "act confident because confidence is attractive" thing (because I feel this way myself), is that he has experienced the rejection from people he's been attracted to and it has been reinforced by more rejection a lot over time.

 

How are you supposed to feel confident if yiou've never experienced validation from the opposite sex and you're in your 30s? If you've never someone of the opposite sex saying that they are attracted to you and want to be with you, even asking you out, or if your feelings for someone have never been requited, how can you feel confident?

 

How are you supposed to feel anything other than totally inadequate because that's the message you've received verbally and non-verbally all your life?

 

Sorry Ross - this probably isn't helping you. One step at a time - get out of home and gt a job - then you have a shot at the other things you want.

[dgiirl]

How are you supposed to feel confident if yiou've never experienced validation from the opposite sex and you're in your 30s? If you've never someone of the opposite sex saying that they are attracted to you and want to be with you, even asking you out, or if your feelings for someone have never been requited, how can you feel confident?

 

Noos, I understand your point. However, Ross is basing his rejection on experiences that happen to him as a child. And we all know kids can be cruel. He hasnt really taken any risks in the last 5 years because he is the one who is telling himself he'll be rejected because of his own fears and not by real life experience. On top of that, he does get plenty of validation from the opposite sex, but he constantly finds a way to discredit it. He constantly says that no woman shows any interest in him, but I have to question whether this is true. When he has a fear that the lady at the hair salon is going to call a complete stranger a loser, I dont believe he knows how to read people's body language, or even knows how to judge people. He is his OWN worst enemy. When you give him a compliment, he'll discredit it. When you give him advice, he'll discredit it. He's convinced he is right irregardless of how many people tell him contrary. You cannot give someone validation unless they are willing to accept it, and Ross is unwilling to accept it. I've just spent the last 8 years in depression, and the last year I went through a divorce and had the worst self-esteem I've ever experienced in my entire life. I just climbed out of the darkest hole and to get one's self-esteem back is to actually allow people to give you compliments, no matter how small they are, and to turn off your own negative internal dialogue, and compliment yourself. Dont discredit anything with a "Yah but". Give yourself permission to feel good and accept a compliment, and even give them to yourself. All of Ross' issues is his internal dialogue. Change that and his life will start to change.

[Ross_K]

dgiirl, you keep getting me all wrong, a lot of this stuff seems to just be made up by your own head.

 

I'll point out what things which are not accurate about me in your post later.

[dgiirl]

dgiirl, you keep getting me all wrong, a lot of this stuff seems to just be made up by your own head.

 

I'll point out what things which are not accurate about me in your post later.

 

Dont bother, I was responding to Noos, and I'm really not interested in hearing you discredit once again what people say to you.

[Ross_K]

See? You're taking an attitude with me again.

 

Oh, well, you obviously don't want to know the truth and would just rather keep on seeing things the way you see them in your make believe world.

 

Why are you so nasty?

[Ross_K]

Can anyone here see that it's not actually me and it's dgiirl who is in the wrong?

[IpAncA]

Ross I understand what you are saying and people on here have given you some good advice and you might want to consider using it. It's very irrating when people can go from bf to bf and vice versa. Personally I don't know how they do it myself. My brother is like that. He's only 28 and hes had about 20 something girlfriends in his life and is still going and I was lucky if I was able to get one. I will say that I think that some people are just natural daters and some are not and some are in the middle. Not saying that you are not so please don't read anything into it.

 

Me I'm the not natural dater and it took a lot of trust in myself and confidence to just start dating people and this was after I got out of college. I never dating in high school or college. It's sad I know but don't you don't know my reasons but I will say my number one reason was that I just had such pure hatred for myself. I was to the point where I was about to give up and then accept being alone. I decided that I would give the next guy a chance. If it didn't work then I was done and I was washing my hands of it. Of course I had to find someone that wanted to go out with me and personally I didn't think much about it because I fell into the self fullfill thing. Now this was just how I felt inside and it showed big time on the outside. According to other people, I came off as to cold and distant even though I wasn't trying. My body language was so messed up and I didn't even realize it. I will caution you when reading about body language because you will become self consious about it and it won't look natural and it will drive you crazy. It's such a bad habit to always be crossing your arms and not smiling. Sometimes I think people just do it without realizing it and I do that still. I'm trying to stop but it is hard. Anyhow the only way that I was able to as I put it "fix" myself was thru self therapy and I really got out of it what I needed and to tell you the truth I was messed up and I didn't even realize it. I tryed regular therapy and he kept trying to revert back to my childhood and kept asking me to dig deeper into my thoughts and to tell him what the real reason why I wasn't dating. Gez..what a loser he was. He even had the nerve to tell me that I have to "discover" the truths myself behind my issues and that the reason I was like this was because I had a bad experience with a guy. Yeah ok well I was only 13 at the time and it wasn't a bad experience. I never even dating him. Sorry for the rambling on here but I though that I would just share my experience with you. Probably isn't the same but maybe you can relate to some of it. Sounds to me like you just need to get out and have more confidence in yourself becuase it will show.

[Ross_K]

Yeah I'm trying to work on my general confidence, but I still can't see myself getting a woman or even a woman acting like she's attracted to me out of it.

[Guest]

You might have kind of the same problem I had...and when I corrected it, I got laid. I see myself as a shy person and so do others. I used to be defensive about this, like 'this is just who I am, don't criticize me because I'm not outgoing.' However, I discovered one day that shyness is NEVER healthy. Especially since it is making you unhappy. Seriously. If it is 'just part of who you are'...then change it. It's making you unhappy. Don't be so stubborn about your identity. Good luck.

[Ross_K]

So come on dgiirl, reply to my post, or do you know you're in the wrong?

[SmoochieFace]

Can anyone here see that it's not actually me and it's dgiirl who is in the wrong?

 

This isn't a question of 'right' or 'wrong', Ross.

 

I will say that you do have issues with people who say things you don't want to hear and that you are quite argumentative with those people.

 

Just let it go, man.

[dgiirl]

So come on dgiirl, reply to my post, or do you know you're in the wrong?

 

I think you've just proved who's in the wrong. I was not going to respond, but since you have a tendancy to say things, then edit your posts, I decided to save this quote for proof.

 

Edited to add:

Not only have you called me a liar, and told me that I make things up, and that I'm not intelligent to understand your threads, but you've also bitched at me publicly AND privately via PM's. I never once tried to bring you out into the spotlight and try to ridicule you. All I've EVER tried to do was to help you. No wonder you have such difficulties in real life and I now truely do believe you have a logical fear of people thinking you are a loser. That is probably what they really are thinking.

[Ross_K]

Okay, we'll sort this out dgiirl, we'll get to the bottom of this in a civilised manner.

 

I think a topic will be needed to be made for this on the water cooler where everyone else can have their say as well.

 

I'm willing to have an open mind, and I'm willing to admit I'm in the wrong, hopefully you are too.

[dgiirl]

Dude, treat me with respect, and I'll treat you with respect. I have nothing else to say to you.

[Ross_K]

Dont bother, I was responding to Noos, and I'm really not interested in hearing you discredit once again what people say to you.

 

So, dgiirl, was you not actually trying to be rude here, was you just joking with me or something?

 

Because to me that post came off as having an attitude towards me and I didn't do anything to deserve it.

[Ross_K]

Dude, treat me with respect, and I'll treat you with respect. I have nothing else to say to you.

 

But some of your posts come off as though you're not treating me with respect, just like the one I quoted above for example. This is why I end up being 'off' with you.

[dgiirl]

So, dgiirl, was you not actually trying to be rude here, was you just joking with me or something?

 

Because to me that post came off as having an attitude towards me and I didn't do anything to deserve it.

 

And the post before that you came off having an attitude towards me. We can keep going around and around in circles pointing out who said what and why. I told you in PM that when you "think" i have an attitude, take a timeout and dont respond, cool down, think about the situation objectively then, if you still want to respond, do so in a polite manner and maybe you'll get polite response back.

 

This is the last post I am _ever_ responding to you. You are now on ignore.

[Ross_K]

Wow, I must be really getting to you. All we've been doing is discussing the issue, no need to act like a big baby.

[Ross_K]

And the post before that you came off having an attitude towards me.

 

Well, I didn't mean for it to come across that way, all I was doing was pointing out how some of the things you we're saying weren't true.

 

I think it's you who has the issues here.

 

What do other people think, is it me or her?

[SmoochieFace]

Well, I didn't mean for it to come across that way, all I was doing was pointing out how some of the things you we're saying weren't true.

 

I think it's you who has the issue here.

 

What do other people think, is it me or her?

 

Just stop, Ross. You're acting like a bully here with this constant jabbing. It's getting mightily old.

[a4a]

Wow, I must be really getting to you. All we've been doing is discussing the issue, no need to act like a big baby.

 

Now I see where it is much more than a confidence problem............