I Finally did the right thing?

[Lost Girl Next Door]

After one month of NC, I casually asked my ex thru an instant message if everything was ok health wise. (I know - some of you are screaming - calm down). He answered he was fine and so I said "ok - just checking - I'll leave you alone". And I left it at that. Well, he proceeds to start talking to me about how I am doing, blah, blah. I told him that I was heading to LA in December to meet a new guy. (This new guy is a FRIEND, as I am in no position to be dating again.) I was just excited to let him know that I was traveling again (as this is something that I did with him a lot. Also, I wanted him to know that I was moving on in some way - if that makes sense). I didn't think my ex would even care as he is dating someone and has been for 6 months. I figured he would be like cool - good luck - since those are my same sentiments to him about his.

Well umm no. He begins to tell me that nothing has changed for him. That basically the only reason that we are not together is that I pressed the marriage issue (this is after 3 yrs together). He confessed realizing that he truly cares for my daughter more than he even realized. He also realizes what a good thing that we had and blah, blah, blah. He is like I am in a new relationship and who knows where that will go. But, I hope you will extend the ideal for me to see about us in the future if this new thing sizzles.

This obviously sent me into a downward spiral and now I realize the hidden blessings of TOTAL NC. After basically telling him that if he truly loves me and wants to be with me to fly out here and do something about it, I stopped talking to him. I also sent him a "final letter" as one of the guys on here recommended. He instant messaged me yesterday that he got it and will read it (supposedly last night). In the letter I pretty much laid everything on the line and told him how I felt. I explained that 3 yrs is a long time to date someone and I was tired of being an every 8 weeks girlfriend. I also told him that if he wants to explain his side and make his intentions known - than to email me. Otherwise, do not call, instant message, or even email if it is just to mess with me.

I start therapy today and think that will help me realize why I continue to date men for long periods of time. I have never been good at these 3 month things like most people. But, I handled this the right way?

 

Not Sure - Lost Girl

[KittenMoon]

1) Don't beat yourself up for talking to him in the first place. There are many far worse things you could have done.

 

2) Yes you handled it well- you laid out that if he wanted to fix it, then pony up. Otherwise, leave you alone. Bravo for having the guts to do this.

[Lost Girl Next Door]

Kitten - Thank you for answering me. I guess he finally was at a moment to share because this morning he explained things to me more clearly. Basically, I found out that he was suicidial after his ex wife left several years ago. He never told me that before. He tried to explain that it takes a long time to earn his trust and he basically wants someone to "show him" that they love him --- while at the same time of him not fully committing himself I guess.

Well Kitten, I dated him for 3 years and have basically continued to hold on for this past year -which makes 4. I don't know what else I could do. He can either believe that I truly love him and do something about it OR he can continue to date women who essentially leave him because he doesn't know how to completely commit. I mean what other option do I have? As much as I truly love him, I will never be happy seeing him every 8 weeks and surely not now - knowing that he never really loved me.

So honestly, I am not going to beat myself up over this NC thing. I needed to understand why he does the things he does and now I know. He has moved on and I will start even more now to do so myself. I know that my therapy session this afternoon is a good starting point. And I will continue some NC for a time to truly heal. I want to be his friend at least sometimes in the near future.

 

Not as Lost Girl...

[johnnytable]

Don't beat yourself up, but learn from this mistake. Learn that you might have to do what needs to get done. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better with TOTAL NC, but it will get better.