missmoo Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 I recently found out that my boyfriend of one year was involved in an online relationship with a fellow online gamer he had been friends with for a few years. I found out about the relationship purely through chance and dumb luck, and once I had the basics of what was going on, proceeded to investigate further from there. What the relationship consisted of was them sending pornographic pictures of each other back-and-forth, and, I guess, being in love and knowingly having this "affair" behind my back, and behind the back of her real-life boyfriend. I'm so confused. Some people tell me that because it was an online relationship, I shouldn't be as upset and feel as betrayed as I would if he was physically sleeping with her. Other people tell me that cheating is cheating, and that his sexual and emotional interests were with her, when they should have been reserved solely for me. All of that aside, I do feel incredibly betrayed, and hurt, and wonder how long it would have went on for had I not found out. He said that their love was "game" love, but he has told me half-truths since I found out, or manipulated the details of what went on to make himself appear better and less responsible. Each time he told me something (ie: They merely told each other they liked each other) I would find out more, and discover there was more to it (ie: They regularly told each other they loved each other, and admitted that what they were doing was an affair, but it felt right, even though it was probably wrong). I just dont know what to do, or to think. My family haven't been of any help to me and I don't have many friends to discuss this with. If anyone has any advice or thoughts on my situation, I'd be really grateful to hear it.
LakesideDream Posted October 11, 2006 Posted October 11, 2006 Very immature stuff. In your post you didn't mention where this "OG" (other girl) lived... is it Sweden, or Kajtigistan or the next town over? People who have the time to invest in marathon online gaming and "in game love affairs" don't live in the real world. How can you, (or us) take this stuff seriously? When you two are fully invested in jobs, family, and real life, or even in school, bring it back. Until that time you (or maybe just your BF) are living a life where online fantasy blurrs into reality. How about finding a guy who gets is more centered in this dimension? Currently, you are caught up in virtual reality...
Adora Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 It is a shame that your BF did this. You said he 'was' involved in the online relationship, does this mean that he no longer is? Or he is now just 'hiding' it from you? I would definitely feel betrayed and hurt, even if this was just online. An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical affair in my eyes. Even if you aren't allowing your full self to this person, you are allowing a part of you that is only meant for your true partner. That is wrong, and not tollerable under any circumstance. While this might be immature to some, it does happen, therefore it shouldn't be brushed off lightly. Do you and your BF live together? If you do, I would suggest packing up some of your things and separate for some time to figure things out. Let him know that this is uncalled for and you should not have to put up with this behavior any longer. It doesn't matter if this girl lives in the next town or across the world, he is still giving a part of himself to her which should only be available to you. Does he still play this game? Out of curiosity, what game is it? If he is still playing this game, chances are, he is still talking to this person. If he wants to fix things and only be with you, he needs to uninstall that game asap, if he has not already, and focus on repairing your relationship.
LakesideDream Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Isn't there enough tragity in society without elevating "virtual tragity" to reality status? Does anyone who has suffered through "reality based" infidelity give serious credibility to "in game affairs"? Do people with enough time to have "in game affairs" spend any time on old fashioned personal relationships? I am throughly amazed by the whole subject. I have heard of people having "online love affairs" complete with webcams and voice messaging. I knew a woman who played this way for a short time and walked away shaking my head in amazement. This is something new. Maybe I'm just to old to take it seriously.
Adora Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Isn't there enough tragity in society without elevating "virtual tragity" to reality status? Does anyone who has suffered through "reality based" infidelity give serious credibility to "in game affairs"? Do people with enough time to have "in game affairs" spend any time on old fashioned personal relationships? I am throughly amazed by the whole subject. I have heard of people having "online love affairs" complete with webcams and voice messaging. I knew a woman who played this way for a short time and walked away shaking my head in amazement. This is something new. Maybe I'm just to old to take it seriously. It's like the saying goes: You don't know what it's like until you experience it yourself. Not a knock towards you or anything, but yea, it can be amazingly unbelievable or not so serious to some, but to those affected, it can be their worse nightmare. If this person wasn't just a pixel on a screen, and someone they were talking to on the phone or meeting for coffee and flirting, playing footsies or whatever, it'd still be the same thing. He is dedicating his personal time to this other person. I can say, from personal experience with this sort of issue, that yes, virtual affairs do affect all those involved, be it the OM/OW or the BS. It is the act itself, not the way it is done. It is hard for people who don't frequent games online to understand. I have played games online for years now. The people you spend time with ingame, you can create relationships with them very easily, especially if you are spending several hours at a time with these people. You'd go insane if you didn't communicate. But it is the individual that controls how far they extend their friendship. It is silly to think that people flirt with pixels on a monitor, but you have to remember it is an actual human being controlling those pixels, typing out those lovey words, etc. Not everyone that plays a game online takes it to that extent, thankfully, but you'd be surprised at the amount of people who actually do. This is when it becomes a problem, because people start filling that void in their 'real' life with things in the virtual world... it is indeed sad when this happens. And this is usually what causes a rift in relationships. The partner will slowly fade away into the virtual world and forget what is most important; the real world. Sad, yes I agree, 100%. The OP will continue to have problems with her BF if he doesn't rip the cord out of the wall and walk away.. if he intends to keep their relationship alive and kicking. This is all of course, imho.
NoIDidn't Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 Isn't there enough tragity in society without elevating "virtual tragity" to reality status? Does anyone who has suffered through "reality based" infidelity give serious credibility to "in game affairs"? Do people with enough time to have "in game affairs" spend any time on old fashioned personal relationships? I am throughly amazed by the whole subject. I have heard of people having "online love affairs" complete with webcams and voice messaging. I knew a woman who played this way for a short time and walked away shaking my head in amazement. This is something new. Maybe I'm just to old to take it seriously. I am surprised at you. You usually come across .... differently. Seriously, I had a friend get D because her H refused to stop. And eventually he went to meet his online lover for a real life tryst. These things are more than virtual, they are very real. Just like kids can be afraid of the "boogey man" thats largely imaginary, so too can people in real life be enamoured by someone via their computer. If it was nothing, he would not feel the need to lie about. But he lied, so it is a very real threat to their relationship.
LakesideDream Posted October 12, 2006 Posted October 12, 2006 OK, I'm learning... I know I'm not so physically flexible, my mind still works though. I honestly don't know how I would react if I was in a committed relationship, and my "other" was into this stuff. I suppose it could happen. Personally, if it did happen, and I thought it was a serious thing at the time, I believe I would deal with it like I would any other betrayal. It's unfortunate that again "at my age" and experiance I don't deal lightly with "betrayal". I hope it works out for Moo. Pulling the internet connection seems like a good way to save their relationship.
Author missmoo Posted October 13, 2006 Author Posted October 13, 2006 Firstly ... thank-you so much to those who posted supportive and compassionate replies to my thread. Reading those was a huge relief to me - that my feelings were validated, and that there were other people who shared my opinion means the world to me, especially after so many people have dismissed my feelings the minute I said the word: "online". To add some background information that I probably should have put in my original post: I am 24 years old, working part-time and studying part-time. I have never, and will never, engage/engaged in online games. The whole world of online gaming is one that I find incredibly hard to understand, and quite frankly, I have always had a lot more to do with my time than sit infront of a computer for hours upon hours. But I understand the very real benefits and enjoyment that people get from these games. It's just not for me. I don't understand how this situation can be described as, or viewed as, immature. I'm not some 15 year old socially awkward loner who has no concept of the joys and benefits of having an active life. Nor, for that matter, was my BF. He was, until his addiction caused him to lose his job, a very successful carpenter. He is well spoken and interacts very well in social situations. Online gamers aren't neccessarily just like the generalized image that we are lead to believe they are. The game he was involved with is/was Final Fantasy. From what I know about the game, you could play non-stop for years, and still not progress very far, due to how detailed the stories are. He had been playing for a few years when we met, and I was warned to keep an eye on his playing habits. He was fine at first, then he'd spend more and more time online, call in sick from work, cancel plans with friends, ignore me, ignore his family, and how this. The woman he had the online affair with divorced the father of her children because he couldn't cope with her gaming anymore. After I found out about the affair, I pointed out how many aspects of his life he was screwing up because of this game, and now he had hurt me beyond belief by falling for someone in the game. He first dismissed their attraction as "game" love. I still shudder to think how long it would have went on had I not found out. It was obviously serious enough for him to lie about and cover up, and the sexual attraction was there because they frequently sent each other naked pictures. When I found out, I asked him to leave our apartment. He left. We see each other every few days now and he has sworn that he has quit the game, severed all contact with the OW and wants to try and make it up to me. But since we aren't living together, I have no way of knowing if any of this is true. And he has blatantly lied to my face about her, and the game, before. I don't understand how you tell someone you love them, then find it easy to say goodbye to them (ie: Him saying that they had said their goodbyes and that was it). If their love was worth risking our entire relationship, it sickens me to think that they could both just end it so easily. It trivializes everything I am feeling, somehow. He has said over and over again that she wasn't worth hurting me, but he knowingly engaged in this affair, even joked with her about it. He obviously thought it was worth it. I don't know anymore. I do just want to say thank you, especially to Adora, for being so understanding and compassionate. You're the first person to really show me compassion as I deal with this, and I'm so grateful for it.
LakesideDream Posted October 13, 2006 Posted October 13, 2006 Moo, I assume testing your BF/s resolve is pretty simple. Install a key checker on your computer, and invite him over for a holiday week, then stick to him like glue. If he is addicted to this lifestyle he won't be able to live without it. Better be sure to remove the battery from his portable too. I hope a "game addiction" isn't as difficult to throw off as a chemical one. Or... if you were an old fogey like me... blow the dude off and find someone else who likes to play "bedroom games" instead!
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